Wednesday, November 14, 2012

What the What the What?

This is a picture of my house in happier times. Specifically, the times when someone who wasn't a lunatic lived in it.

Then we moved in, and the crazy began.

A little backstory:

My mother usually hosts Thanksgiving at her home, which is just around the corner, down the street, over the river and through the woods from my place. She has a big finished basement that is just the right size for the umpteen gazillion of us.

But two weeks ago -- with no consideration for anyone else's feelings -- she went and had a double knee replacement.

That's right. Double. As in both knees. She's an animal.

So, yesterday, I was with her at the rehab center where, if she doesn't stop mouthing off, she will live out her days, and as she lifted weights, she told her Occupational Therapist that I'm not a very organized person.

The evidence of this, she posited, was the fact that I own roughly nine thousand Rubbermaid bins, into which I attempt to file and categorize my life, only to become frustrated when I can't get my kids to stop eating in my kitchen and dirtying their clothes, and just stay in the garage like they've been ordered.

When I suggested a change of subject (I believe my actual words were, "Zip it, old lady, or you're walking home from this joint") she just laughed and went right on not zipping it.

First my kids, and now my mother. Is there anyone my threats actually work on?

As if that weren't enough, she continued by comparing me to my sister, Jill.

Jill, the sister who never sits down.

Jill, the sister whose house is so immaculate all the time you could perform a kidney transplant on her coffee table.

Jill, the sister who was born with a glue gun in one hand and Martha Stewart Living in the other. (It was a tricky delivery.)

Jill, who lives a mere 50 yards across the golf course from me, and who has an awesome finished basement, because she and her husband can go to the Parade of Homes armed with nothing more than a camera phone and a ruler, and then come home and replicate all the cool stuff they saw without any plans or contractors or marriage counselors. They are both just ridiculous.

So. Back to Thanksgiving.

This year, Mom can't host the dinner because (she whines) "I can't go up and down that staircase with these bum knees." Honestly, it is always something with that woman.

So Jill suggested we find someplace else. Someplace where everyone could fit comfortably. Someplace close to Mom's house so she doesn't have to travel far for dinner.

Someplace ... like MY house!

MY unorganized house!

MY house with the unfinished basement and the nine thousand Rubbermaid bins scattered helter-skelter!

MY house where the largest room is the broom closet!

We'll be bunking the chairs, for crying out loud! Seating people in an 'eight around and three high' formation.

And do you know what's even worse?

We're eating here because Jill nailed me on a technicality, in the sense that "technically" I volunteered.

I am so sick of people reading texts that say, "Well, I suppose we could have Thanksgiving at my house" and assuming that what I meant was, "Well, I suppose we could have Thanksgiving at my house."

So now I have to move furniture and scrub toilets and lock the dog in the attic. I have to measure rooms and round up card tables and make food assignments.

But the good news is that this will finally motivate me to get organized. This time, I mean business. Of course, I'll have to make a quick trip to Target for one more bin, five feet, nine inches long.

With extra knee room.


Karen Peterson said...

I just hate it when people expect me to follow through on empty offers.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm FIRST! Look at me. How crazy is it that I'm actually on my blog to see your blog post pop up.

Wow. It feels like old times. Makes me nostalgic.

This was hysterial. LOVE yer GUTS.

So, is Friday going to be hard to meet? Between scrubbing toilets and checking your mom out of her "situation" it sounds like a trip to Utah County might be be a stretch.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Shoots, someone beat me to the punch at the last second.

wendy said...

I laughed all the way through this. Jill can have a transplant done on her coffee table...awesome.
Why is there always THAT sister who can do it all..ha ha.
Next time you suggest "we could have Thanksgiving at my house"....MAKE SURE it is NOT confused with
"we could have Thanksgiving at my house"

Lisa said...

Everything about this post is hilarious, and I share your unorganized pain, as I, too, am host to this year's festivities. All I can say is I hope somebody washes the urine off the bathroom ceiling before the guests arrive.

Kristina P. said...

I know who can host Thanksgiving this year! Chuck-A-Rama!! You've never experienced true awesomeness and despair, rolled into one.

L.T. Elliot said...

Your home looks so lovely! I'm really sorry about your mom's knees. I hope she recovers quick. I have one of those sisters too. Actually, I have four of those sisters. Thanks for the laughs! I needed them!

Dixie Mom said...

How about you move the party over to Cracker Barrel instead.
Sounds like Thanksgiving is gonna be a real pain in the knee. ;)
Just make 'em all eat outside. :)

Brittany said...

Oh, how I don't envy you. I'm actually going to LAS VEGAS for Thanksgiving so I can procrastinate cleaning my house for one more week. YOu know things are bad when I'm willing to make that trip.

Becca said...

I'm so with you on the "I'm getting organized RIGHT THIS MINUTE" plan.

After I have a nap.

Jillybean said...

You should do what we do and go have the family gather for Thanksgiving dinner in the Primary room at the church. There is an abundance of tables and chairs, you can leave the dog home and won't need to scrub the toilets.

I'm not sure it's even legal for your sister to be performing a kidney transplant on her coffee table, you may want to check the zoning laws in her area.

Kasia Cook said...

you're hilarious. good luck with the fam!

Qait said...

The bad thing is that I can relate with you AND with Jill... yeah, weird! I never sit down (except now that it's almost 3am), I'm cleaning all the time...but then why isn't my house immaculate too?
Oh yeah, cause I have kids that never sit down either.

JoLynne Lyon said...

DaNae, you always make me laugh. But count your blessings--your family wants to come to your house! That must mean there's something to attract them besides the spacious broom closet.

Melanie Jacobson said...

I host Thanksgiving so I don't have to do Christmas. I am becoming more and more apathetic about hosting with each passing year and guess what? It still works out.

Rebecca said...

Kristina, my brother in law calls it Upchuck-a-Rama...Hope the Thanksgiving feast/counting your bins day went well! I had the best day, no one came to my house and someone else had dishes! And I still have leftovers so I don't have to cook for 2 days! Woohoo!

Qait said...

:) Hey, thanks for your friendly little note on my blog! :)

JoeinVegas said...

Send everybody a text saying it has been moved to Jill's, then on the day lock the door, put a note out front pointing over to her house, and just go there with a bottle of wine and sit.

Gloria Thacker said...

Thanks for making me laugh. I needed that today!. I hosted Thanksgiving this year and we hung people from the rafters! We definitely reached our max at 30 people. :) Christmas dinner was much less stressful! Now we are all sick though! Go figure!