Thursday, September 20, 2012
Supply and Demand
One of life's tragedies is when something monumental occurs, something that is so huge and dramatic and staggering that the earth actually tilts even more on its so-called axis than it already does. I say 'so-called' so I can have plausible deniability when so-called scientists revert back to their original flat earth theory, which you know perfectly well they'll do if it means a government grant to study just who was responsible for that nonsense about globes.
And then the monumental, staggering thing is overshadowed by smaller, less significant events -- in this case, the Republican and Democratic conventions.
Because of all that political stuff, the universe nearly missed the earth / axis thing mentioned in the opening paragraph, namely, the LDS church finally admitted in print that Joseph Smith never -- no, not once -- said anything about Diet Coke. Not in speeches, not in writings, not in a boat, not with a goat, and certainly not in the presence of green eggs and ham.
As you well know, this came as no surprise to me and my wired band of rebels, although we're happy to no longer have to drink our Diet Coke in caves or behind the water heater.
But here's what else you missed when you were watching the Democrats party (had a nice beat and I could dance to it) and / or the Republicans hold Stake Conference (allowing dear Mitt to practice his 'passing a kidney stone' face, which I think was supposed to be his 'looking very loving and caring and not richer than Australia' face):
There was a full-on RIOT at BYU following the announcement!
I'm not talking about the announcement that the University of Utah football team had defeated the Cougars 24-21 after a questionable episode wherein all the BYU fans rushed the field and dragged their players to safety before they inadvertently kicked a successful field goal one minute before Sunday, which would have forced the game into overtime and created a real conundrum for the Gnat Strainers Booster Club.
No, this riot had to do with BYU declaring that the reason caffeinated soda hadn't been sold on campus until now was that -- you need to sit down, because this declaration will make you want to jump right back up again and holler, "Seriously?" -- there had never been a demand for it.
I know, right??
I personally myself am acquainted with just scads of BYU faculty members -- and by 'scads' I mean 'two' -- and I know for a fact -- and by 'fact' I mean 'I'm just making this up as I go along' -- that contraband Diet Coke has been spirited onto that campus in blue tote bags and giant purses for years!
No demand? What were those poor, deprived BYU students and teachers supposed to do -- stand at the cafeteria soda dispenser and demand that Diet Coke squirt out of it immediately or there would be heck to pay? Goodness, they're all so wan from lack of caffeine they barely have the energy to ignore the fact that "Cougar Eats" is a silly name for a food court.
(Note: I don't know if it's actually called 'Cougar Eats' any more on accounta I've only been on the BYU campus a handful of times and I never ate there because -- wait for it -- they didn't sell Diet Coke.)
One year Elisa Scharton and I were at a conference at BYU, and we stopped at a Chevron station on our way to the campus to purchase junk food and Diet Coke (which, no, is not in the junk food category, thankyouverymuch. It has diet right in the description).
When we got to the conference, another conference attendee caught us with our drinks. I was astonished at her powers of observation, as I had cunningly hidden my bottle in plain sight on the counter where they were handing out name badges and (evidently) 'judging other people' day-passes. And she asked the poor kid working the registration desk whether we were permitted to have that on the premises (she said it in italics and everything). For what it's worth, I hadn't given it a moment's thought. But then I'd driven up from Vegas and was just happy to see that everybody involved was dressed. It was therefore entirely likely that my moral compass required a bit of recalibration.
But back to the hapless undergrad at the registration desk, who said -- and while this is a direct quote it is not necessarily a comment on the quality of education at BYU, though it does cause one to raise an eyebrow -- "We are not affiliated with caffeine."
I had heard that BYU did not affiliate with terrorist groups or human traffickers. But I was shocked to learn that they had severed all negotiations with caffeine.
Anyway, back to the riot. Sit down again, this gets hairy.
A young man who can not be identified because I don't feel like searching Google this late at night, took 200 cans of Coke and Pepsi to the BYU campus, and began handing them out for free.
He was only able to distribute 50 of the cans before campus police brutally -- and by 'brutally' I mean 'quite pleasantly, all things considered' -- requested he vacate the premises before they called down fire and brimstone upon his head as per university policy.
So, like ancient messengers bearing unpopular news before him -- Jonah and Elijah spring to mind -- that brave boy scooped up his caffeinated beverages and wheeled his little cooler off the campus as fast as anyone can travel when dragging those stupid wheeled coolers behind them.
That was it. That was the riot. Hey, I never said it was Kent State.
But though he'd been banished, he'd made his point: Despite the efforts of the BYU propaganda machine, there was obviously an incredible demand for free soda on the BYU campus. Boy, were campus officials' faces red, which was even more annoying because they were caught at BYU sporting the University of Utah's colors right there on their foreheads.
I for one am proud of Mormons in the News these days. Mitt has learned to look earnest, Brandon Flowers said, "Oh, yeah?" to a stuffy Norwegian atheist before performing with his band The Killers of Anyone Who Mouths Off About Mormons, and Glenn Beck ... well, give me a minute on that one.
But I'm mostly proud of that young Cougar and his Cooler of Righteous Indignation. Nothing like raising a frosty, frothy Ebenezer in defiance of zealotry everywhere.
And I am so relieved we have the official go-ahead to affiliate with caffeine again. I always enjoyed their peppy little meetings.
And by 'peppy' I mean 'buzzed.'
Posted by DeNae Handy at 12:04 AM