Friday, September 7, 2012

It's This or Cold Pizza


I know, it's been a while, huh? And I'm sure you've missed me something fierce. You've probably wandered through your life, achieving things and stuff like that, and all the time you were thinking, "Something's not right. I can't put my finger on it, but the world is just off."

And then you went on to think, "What is this giant gaping hole in my pants?" at which point you remembered that you'd caught them on a fence at the fair last weekend -- a fair you wouldn't have gone to if you'd had something interesting to read on the Internet -- and BAM! It hit you like a mallet on the stun line:

DeNae hasn't blogged for a couple of weeks.

My question is, did you get dressed in the dark or just what?

Anyway, your sartorial dilemmas aside, I'm back to help you waste seven minutes, so you can stop accomplishing things for a while. You. Are. Welcome.

What's been going on in DeNae land? Well, since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you:

A lot.

First, I finished the ninth version of the first draft of my novel, and this time I just flung it across the Internet to three very patient, very willing, very in need of shock treatments beta readers, who I'm certain will send super helpful suggestions like, "DeNae, have you considered a career that doesn't involve typing or even the most fundamental grasp of the English language? Like, is 'Mimes R Us' hiring?"

And I'll appreciate their feedback, because as I have observed here before, the only self-esteem problem I suffer from is that I have too much of it.

Second, I landed a gig as a regular contributor to Meridian Magazine, something that I'm very excited about but have a hard time announcing to people. Like my high schoolers' relationship with gainful employment, I have always assumed that my sheer awesomeness will just radiate out the windows of my house, and acknowledgement and recognition will start pounding on the door, demanding to be let in so they could offer me a Pulitzer or at least a lifetime supply of Leatherby's caramel.

In short, I just don't like self-promotion. I'm completely serious here. Really, you should see me. I'm practically frowning, that's how serious I am.

But it does occur to me -- often in fever dreams --  that if I write something and no one reads it, eventually it will lead to a career in the pizza delivery industry. This is terrible news, especially for people expecting to receive their pizzas. I get lost in my driveway. Heavens, I get lost in my garage. Finding your house in 30 minutes or less is simply not going to happen.

So, yay for me and my new opportunity! And if you click on the link up there, where I say regular contributor to Meridian Magazine, it will take you to my first column. THEN, if you enjoy it, or you're just happy that someone with an ounce of sense is working for Domino's and you'd like to keep it that way, click the little Facebook 'share' button. You may have to push the ctrl key on your keyboard, or in lieu of that, hit your computer with a mallet.

By the way, when you went to the fair, did it occur to you that the stun line was next on those cows' agenda? No?

You. Are. Welcome.


wendy said...

YES....I totally was aware of the fact that you hadn't blogged in awhile. Should you really leave us hanging like the seat of our pants....the pants that got tore at the fair.
I think is WONDERFUl that you landed this writing gig.
You'll do great.
You'll be so busy writing for THEM, and writing your books...and then you'll be on Good Morning America and David Letterman, that we'll never hear from you again.

Dixie Mom said...

Hey...if it makes you feel any better...I did wonder where you
Go you!

Becca said...

About that fair. Two words: Butter Sculpture.

(You're welcome, back.)

Beka said...

I, for one, missed you! Congrats on your new gig, and FYI, if you write it, I will read it. (Whew for Domino's!)

AS Amber said...

Yay!!! I've missed you!! I'm so pant-peeing excited for all of the exciting stuff happening to you lately!!! Couldn't happen to a nicer gal!

And going to the State Fair was one of dad's most favorite things to do so you best gear yourself up and GO. With us next week, of course.

Love you so much, sister!! Congratulations on everything that's going on. You deserve it!

Mary said...

This line made me snort:

I ate chocolate chips in the living room instead of the linen closet.

Hi-lar-ious! Because it's true. Good luck and congrats on the gig.

Kazzy said...

So stinkin' proud.

Jami said...

I'm sure you will do marvelously. Love your first post over there.

Braden said...

The sheer brilliance of this line is amazing "Nothing like raising a frosty, frothy Ebenezer in defiance of zealotry everywhere."

My goodness, how do you just do that? Truly amazing.

Shari said...

DeNae, I have missed reading your posts. Not so much because you have been holding out on us but more because i haven't checked in for way too long. Its amazing, I brag to everyone about your blog and how they need to read it. What a hypocrite. I apologize. I thoroughly enjoyed your article in Meridian Mag. Great as always. Thank you again for bring a smile to my day.