Yep. Those are my legs on that cover. Also my shoes.
Also the shopping cart I stole from the Piggly Wiggly.
Also, I have really long hair, and I can do the splits.
Also, some people have called me a shameless liar,
but they're just jealous about the whole 'splits' thing.
So, hey! How's yer summer? I never know how to answer that question myself -- 'senile?' 'flaccid?' No adjective seems appropriate beyond the obvious ones, and you say things like 'homicidal' to the wrong people and suddenly you're getting all sorts of unwelcome attention.
So instead of thinking about how much I loathe -- that's right, I went there -- summer, I'm going to reminisce a little.
When we lived in Puerto Rico (see 'loathe summer,' above) my friends and I staged a major coup. We completely hijacked the PTO at our kids' school, Antilles Intermediate, at Fort Buchanan in the heart of San Juan. Our reasons were simple: We were bored, and we wanted an excuse to boss people around. Nations have fallen for less.
So we did epic things like stock the school store with massive amounts of junk food -- intended to keep the shopkeepers, namely 'us' -- so hepped up on Sour Patch Kids we didn't notice that it was eleventy billion degrees with twice the humidity and we were sitting outside in a concrete box selling Sour Patch Kids.
We also hosted a talent show, securing for ourselves the coveted "Most Neurotic Talent Show Directors" award when we insisted that third graders wear actual human clothes to perform their Spice Girls numbers. Moms hate it when you point out the "made by Mattel" label on their eight-year-old's belly shirt.
One of our major triumphs was the time we made gigantic nativity scene pieces out of poster board for the Christmas program. The artwork wasn't the triumph. We'd been sitting in the heat for so long we led ourselves to believe that painting the scenery with fingernail polish was a good plan. Oh, how I wish I was kidding. I mean, we were talking ACRES of poster board here. Fingernail polish? Really?
Thank goodness one of our friends -- fresh from her air-conditioned car and therefore still lucid -- walked past in time to say, "Crayons." Don't know why she said that; maybe she was speaking in tongues and just wasn't very good at it. Whatever the case, it led to the aforementioned Major Triumph.
So needless to say, when my darling friend Lela Davidson published Blacklisted From the PTA last year I ordered one, like, immediately. I have since ordered at least one more, and given it to my sister, who claims it is the only book she's read in 25 years. OH, and you can win a copy, just by commenting here!
I love Lela. She once Tweeted the question, "Hey, @DeNae, why are Mormons such lousy bartenders?" You know, in 48 years of being a card-carrying Mormon, no one had ever asked me that question. I found it brave and incisive, and gave it the thoughtful answer it deserved: "@Lela, it's because it's difficult to pour booze and flog yourself at the same time."
We talk polygamy ("opposed, unless the other wife is ugly and loves to scrub toilets"), push-up bikinis for children ("opposed, and now everyone at Abercrombie and Fitch is grounded until further notice"), blogging ("in favor, especially each other's"), kids ("in favor / opposed / grounded until further notice" -- essentially all of the above) and generally dig one another's vibe.
So Happy Birthday, Blacklisted. And congratulations, smart, sassy Lela, on your success.
You can borrow my legs any time.