Monday, July 2, 2012

Happily Blacklisted

Yep. Those are my legs on that cover. Also my shoes.
Also the shopping cart I stole from the Piggly Wiggly.
Also, I have really long hair, and I can do the splits.
Also, some people have called me a shameless liar,
but they're just jealous about the whole 'splits' thing.

So, hey! How's yer summer? I never know how to answer that question myself -- 'senile?' 'flaccid?' No adjective seems appropriate beyond the obvious ones, and you say things like 'homicidal' to the wrong people and suddenly you're getting all sorts of unwelcome attention.

So instead of thinking about how much I loathe -- that's right, I went there -- summer, I'm going to reminisce a little.

When we lived in Puerto Rico (see 'loathe summer,' above) my friends and I staged a major coup. We completely hijacked the PTO at our kids' school, Antilles Intermediate, at Fort Buchanan in the heart of San Juan.  Our reasons were simple: We were bored, and we wanted an excuse to boss people around.  Nations have fallen for less.

So we did epic things like stock the school store with massive amounts of junk food -- intended to keep the shopkeepers, namely 'us' -- so hepped up on Sour Patch Kids we didn't notice that it was eleventy billion degrees with twice the humidity and we were sitting outside in a concrete box selling Sour Patch Kids.

We also hosted a talent show, securing for ourselves the coveted "Most Neurotic Talent Show Directors" award when we insisted that third graders wear actual human clothes to perform their Spice Girls numbers. Moms hate it when you point out the "made by Mattel" label on their eight-year-old's belly shirt.

One of our major triumphs was the time we made gigantic nativity scene pieces out of poster board for the Christmas program. The artwork wasn't the triumph. We'd been sitting in the heat for so long we led ourselves to believe that painting the scenery with fingernail polish was a good plan. Oh, how I wish I was kidding. I mean, we were talking ACRES of poster board here. Fingernail polish? Really?

Thank goodness one of our friends -- fresh from her air-conditioned car and therefore still lucid -- walked past in time to say, "Crayons."  Don't know why she said that; maybe she was speaking in tongues and just wasn't very good at it.  Whatever the case, it led to the aforementioned Major Triumph.

So needless to say, when my darling friend Lela Davidson published Blacklisted From the PTA last year I ordered one, like, immediately. I have since ordered at least one more, and given it to my sister, who claims it is the only book she's read in 25 years.  OH, and you can win a copy, just by commenting here!

I love Lela. She once Tweeted the question, "Hey, @DeNae, why are Mormons such lousy bartenders?"  You know, in 48 years of being a card-carrying Mormon, no one had ever asked me that question. I found it brave and incisive, and gave it the thoughtful answer it deserved: "@Lela, it's because it's difficult to pour booze and flog yourself at the same time."

We talk polygamy ("opposed, unless the other wife is ugly and loves to scrub toilets"), push-up bikinis for children ("opposed, and now everyone at Abercrombie and Fitch is grounded until further notice"), blogging ("in favor, especially each other's"), kids ("in favor / opposed / grounded until further notice" -- essentially all of the above) and generally dig one another's vibe.

So Happy Birthday, Blacklisted. And congratulations, smart, sassy Lela, on your success.

You can borrow my legs any time.


Diana said...

Sounds like an awesome book. As the 46 year old mother of an entering K and also 2nd grader, it sounds like it would be close to perfect.

Lara said...

Always looking for a fun read. Especially one with great legs on the cover. :)

veronica said...

I'd love to read it. Maybe she could also write a sequel, "Kicked off of Community Council". I'm working on some material for her to use.

Mary Grigg said...

I think it is a brilliant topic - I boycotted the PTA after my first child :)

Lela said...

Hi ladies, thank you for your comments! I hope you'll check it out :)

Kristi said...

Great title! Sounds like the perfect summer read.

thecoolmom said...

This sounds like a fun read!

L.T. Elliot said...

"Nations have fallen for lesser reasons."

Seriously! You freaking kill me, DeNae. And why haven't we done lunch yet? Because seriously, we're in the same place now!!!

Brittany said...

Man, I WISH I could get blacklisted from the PTA. I so need this book.
Also, I'm so glad someone has finally grounded A & F, because I have been boycotting them and their child porn for years and they still are not getting the message that they should go back to making garden implements and other things people actually need. No five year old needs to look like she has boobs.

Becca said...

Awesome. Love your legs. (Um, you know what I mean.)

seashmore said...

So you're the reason they started putting numbers on the carts in Piggly Wiggly's.
Sounds like a great book, and by that I mean I want to win it.

Lynn Kellen said...

Love the blog.. will come back. Just came over because Lela mentioned it. Love her book ... would love a free one for a gift.!

Kasia Cook said...

I might could win a book just for commenting? Sweet. Consider yourself commented at (and yes, I am from the rocky mounTUNS and do use words like might could together). Thanks for making a random and unknown blog reader laugh.

J said...

Haha you are hilarious. Will you be my mom? You're not old enough, but I'm willing to overlook that. That way I could have endless access to your wisdom :)

Donna said...

Could I just win one thing before I die?

Lela said...

Thank you all so much for your comments! I AM working on a sequel and I'll be sure and let you know all about it. If you don't win, you can still get the book. It only costs about 3 lattes :)

Heidi Clark said...

Yay! exciting! can't wait to read more-

Kazzy said...

I remember the year I got out of being the PTA president because I was just called as the RS president. Blessings of living in UT.

I would love to check this book out!