Today I'm annoyed. With that guy in the middle there. Him. Right. There.
So to Utah he came, at his newspaper's expense. All to get to the bottom of this Mormon business.
Now, let me tell you about Mr. Farfegnugen. First, his real last name is Ross.
Second, he came from a little town in Germany called Frankfurt. And by little I mean not little at all. In fact, the Mormons have very conveniently placed a temple right there, where anyone who wished to know anything at all about the LDS faith could go and just collect info like ca-razy.
And young Master Andreas had no idea it was even there. A 20-minute train ride from his home, and this guy who hopes to be the political correspondent for his newspaper, stationed in Washington D.C., couldn't be bothered to Google "Hey, is there any Mormon stuff in my hometown?" For that lack of basic research alone, I hope his editor takes away his key to the staff latrine.
Andreas interviewed Elisa Scharton and me a few weeks ago, something I think he did primarily to get a free bottle of water and a peek down Elisa's shirt. Its 'tightness' is the first thing he mentions in his article, which is a good thing, because now Germans are that much better informed on Mitt Romney's foreign policy and economic recovery plans.
Meister Ross -- who admitted to having been raised Catholic but given up on all organized religion -- had evidently written his article before arriving in the states. We concluded this when he asked us the same three questions seventy-two thousand times, and we (in our bleached blond obtuseness, something else he referenced for reasons attributable to a mini bar and an expense account) kept giving him the wrong answers.
Bleached blonde, tight bloused Elisa.
She was also wearing the cutest yellow top siders you ever saw,
but of course Andreas didn't mention that!
Poor guy. He really, really wanted us to say that the Church dictates what we Mormon bloggers say, and what we Mormon women think, and how we all feel about ourselves on any given day.
And dingbats that we were, we just kept telling him the truth. Nope, the Church doesn't have anything to do with our blogs, nor with Mormon Mommy Blogs, which Elisa owns and runs. One quick read of my blog and and even the most suspicious reporter would have to admit that the Church could not POSSIBLY be overseeing the nonsense that shows up here every week or so. And we're happy, or sad, or grumpy, or kinda nauseated, all due to circumstances that almost never involve the Church. Summer television schedules -- yes. Church micro-management -- not so much.
So, then he was all "well, how come you never talk about your temples?" at which point I texted his editor and suggested he confiscate his parking permit and roll-ey chair. I mean, for heaven's sake, what more is there to say? I spent a good 15 minutes telling him everything I could about the temple, and do you think I'm even mentioned in the article? Pfft. Don't make me snort.
Then he wanted to know about our history. Polygamy. Blacks and the priesthood. The current issues about gays and the Church. We were frank. We admitted that we didn't have all the answers, and that sometimes we're not entirely comfortable with the answers we're given.
Think that made the article? (See "snort" above.)
He interviewed a guy who has joined the Church of Not Being a Mormon Any More, and his stuff was all over the place. You know, that's fine. I have no problem with opposing viewpoints. But given that we spoke with this guy for an hour, you'd think we'd get as much play as the other people he interviewed.
But the worst thing about all of it was, there was nothing in the article that would help Germans understand Mitt Romney any better. If they were looking for salient information about the possible future leader of the free world, they weren't going to get it from Andreas Ross.
Thank you so much for the chance to sit across a table from you and absorb all of your very strange little tics, your flagrant rudeness as you gazed out the window while we were speaking, and your obvious disinterest in really getting to know anything worth knowing about the Mormons. I'm sure your readers appreciate the thousand words o' drivel you provided. Even now pet birds all over Frankfurt are putting your article to good use.
And I'll tell you something else, Mr. Ross: You want to go head-to-head with unusual belief systems, questionable historical human rights issues, and bizarre attitudes towards minorities?
We'll gladly put Mormons' bad behavior regarding polygamy, blacks, and gays up against annexing most of Europe and massacring six million people for practicing an unpopular religion -- any day of the week.
Until you're ready for that fight, stay home and pray that your editor doesn't take my suggestion that you be demoted to car wash attendant.
Or better yet, peel your arse off the couch, hop a train, and learn how to do your job.