Monday, April 9, 2012

Novel Ideas


So, how are things? 

Hum de dum dum...

Okay, that's enough small talk.  I've made it all the way through the FIRST revision of my novel, and you'll be happy to know that, aside from a few teensy fixes, it is ready to roll!  Bring on the royalty checks!!

Actually, maybe you can help me with the teensy fixes.  Seriously, this will just take a minute.  The book poses some deep, philosophically challenging questions, and frankly, I'm not sure how to answer them during the second revision.
  • If you are a girl, and you think of your car as a girl, and you're totally in love with your car, does that make you a lesbian?
  • How many times can a cat mug a goat before the cat should go to prison?
  • What if the goat wears a stupid pink kerchief that just annoys the heck out of the cat?  Would that be a mitigating circumstance?
  • Is it really possible to remove all of your own teeth? 
  • Should acrobats be allowed near banisters if all they're going to do is scamper up and down them like chimpanzees? 
  • What if the acrobat is from New Jersey?  Would that be a mitigating circumstance?
  • What do you do when you're being held hostage by an unhinged white tiger trainer and suddenly he starts into the 'ugly' cry and he wipes his nose on his sleeve?
  • The trainer is unhinged.  As far as we know, the tigers are very well adjusted.
  • Do you say, "Snap out of it, man! This is the dumbest hostage situation I've ever been in!"?
  • Or do you just hand him a Kleenex?
  • List the pros and cons of siphoning gas out of a tractor while smoking a joint.  Cite examples.
  • If every time an FBI agent kisses you, someone shoots at you or runs you off the road or burns a house down around you, should you continue kissing the FBI agent?
  • What if the FBI agent is really cute?  Would that be a mitigating circumstance?
Finally, if your book is 365 pages long and still doesn't have a credible ending, should you eat bags of Cadbury mini eggs -- purchased at a fantastic discount the day after Easter -- while waiting for the book to magically revise and finish itself?

What if that's already happened? 

Would that be a mitigating circumstance?


L.T. Elliot said...

Oh, I'm pretty sure the ugly cry deserves a well yelled "Snap out of it!" Because there are tigers, man! Pull yourself together!

And as for the FBI agent and kissing--the REAL question is if he is a GOOD kisser. If he's good, mack on. ;)

Unknown said...

mom! you actually listened to me and bought my lovely cadburry mini-eggs! on clearance! the day after easter! i have never been so proud of you!! :D

...also you wrote a book, which is cool i guess. love you! <3

Becca said...

Way to get many pages down. :) It will come. And is the unhinged trainer white, or are the tigers white? That's what I need to know.

Kazzy said...

I think YOU are a mitigating circumstance, and I love you for it!

Melanie Jacobson said...

Okay, so what you need to do is play up the lesbian angle with the car love affair because that whole LGBT stories thing is uber hot in publishing right now.

You're welcome.

Brittany said...

pros of ciphoning gas out of a tractor while smoking a joint: double high man, double high.
I can't think of any cons to that situation.
And I was raised in rural Idaho, so I'm pretty much an expert in gas ciphoning, tractors and joints.
Not from personal experience of course.

Karen Peterson said...

Cadbury mini eggs are always a good idea, regardless of the circumstances.

Ken Craig said...

I don't want to start throwing around accusations...but after reading your list of questions, I can't help but feel you are blatantly plagiarizing from MY novel, that I have not yet started.