Monday, November 21, 2011

This Just In!

Who is this exceptionally attractive newscaster? 
No, it's not Tom Brokaw. 

Holy Frijoles, Nacho!  Just two days 'til we break out the stretchy pants and wear them in our rooms - just for fun - or to Walmart, just to fit in.

And with Thanksgiving comes the opportunity to pause and, you know, give thanks.  For stuff. 

Like my blog, for instance.  I hope you remember to be thankful for the minutes and minutes I pour into making this bastion of light and knowledge of light and knowledge - er, into which I

This!  This is why exceptionally attractive newscasters use teleprompters.

I have been busier than a cat nine miles from dirt, as my somewhat demented mother always says.  I'm not sure what the cat is doing, exactly - hitchhiking? please! cats don't even have banjos! - but clearly any cat that is nine miles from dirt is CRAZY busy.

A couple of weeks ago I visited LDS Business College as part of the LDS Bloggers Give Back initiative I've been part of all month.  Yes, I am an LDS blogger, which evidently comes as a surprise to the good folks running BYU's on-campus Internet whatchamahoozie.  Evidently this blog is blocked -- you heard me, B-L-O-C-K-E-D -- from the BYU campus.


I bet they haven't blocked Sheri Dew's blog, even though I know for a FACT that she didn't once get 85 comments on a post about falling down in public.

On the other hand, I was voted Most Popular LDS Blogger of the Millennium by the American Heathens and Heretics Association -- aha-HA for short -- a stunning bit of news I just now this minute totally made up.

(Try fabricating on the fly like that, Sheri!)

Where was I?

Oh, yes.  At LDS Business College.

While there, I met Sarah, who is one of the single moms on the scholarship we're raising money for.

This is me with Sarah. 
Sarah's the one with the Australian accent.

Sarah has not been dealt an easy hand, starting with having once been married to -- and I say this with all the kindness of my spleen -- a complete chowderhead.  She has four little kids, and without this scholarship and the opportunities it is providing for her, they would likely spend the rest of their childhoods living at or below the poverty level.

If you haven't yet felt the nudge to give even a dollar to this incredibly worthwhile project, consider yourself nudged right now.  Also, if you donate and come back and tell me about it, you could win my annual "I'll Write Your Family Christmas Letter" contest.  

I say this blushingly:  My Family Christmas Letters are works of art.  Seriously.  "How The Handys Did 2007" is hanging in the Louvre.

(Ha!  Would you have ever come up with a whopper like that one, Dew?  I thought not.) 

Anyway, as I was driving home from LDSBC - where I took a bunch of pictures and also had a great sit-down with President Larry Richards, who is quite possibly the most serene man I ever met who wasn't an oil painting - I got a text message from Barett Christensen.

I know!  Can you believe it??  Barett Christensen texted me!!  Eeee!

For the five of you still living in caves, he's the second most serene man on earth after President Richards, and is the guy who invited me to be a part of this project to begin with. 

Anyway, I certainly did NOT read his text while doing Warp 6 down I-80, because that would have been foolhardy.  Warp 4, maybe.  But at Warp 6 my iPhone starts to dissolve and the screen is too fuzzy to read.  So I waited until I had pulled into McDonald's and ordered my hot fudge sundae and Diet Coke to read my message.

Barett asked if I would like to be interviewed on KSL radio, to which I responded, "Goodness no. I'm such a shrinking violet I would simply keel over from an excess of modesty."

Wow!  That was a good one, huh?  Of course I didn't say even one of those words.  Pssh.  Don't make me laugh.

I think I said, "Yes." 

So a couple of days later, I was interviewed by Mary Richards, who didn't look at all like she did on the Mary Tyler Moore show.  And if you got that joke, man, you're old.

This is Mary and me. 
Mary's the one who was celebrating her wedding anniversary by interviewing me. 
I'm telling you, those folks at KSL know how to par-TAY.

Anyway, Mary asked me something like, "So, DeNae -- may I call you DeNae?" after which I talked non-stop for two days.

And the next morning, the interview was on the radio, like, FIVE TIMES!! 

How was it on there so often in a single day when I recorded a full 48 hours of material, you ask?  Beats me.  Magic, I guess.  There had to be something supernatural at work, because all of that talking came out sounding like maybe nine seconds.

But they were nine, action-packed seconds.  Somewhere around the eleventh second, I had so totally wowed the story editor that he felt the need to change my last name to "Hansen" in case I became so famous right there on the spot that my fans rushed the studio, as heathens and heretics are wont to do.

But here's what I told them during those nine seconds:

90% of single parent homes are headed by a mother.  And that mother is likely to earn 25% of what a couple would earn. 

That's bad math, my darling bloggy friends.  And make no mistake, at some point our communities are handed a bill for the difference.

If you have anything -- anything at all -- to be thankful for this week, then please, in behalf of those who can not do for themselves what we can do for them, give what you can to help save a mom.

And anyone in the vicinity of BYU?  Could you pass this message along to those guys?  For some reason, I keep getting a busy signal.



Kristina P. said...

Wait, YOU have been blocked?!? You know that was one of my New Year's Resolutions, right? To be blocked by BYU's filter.

And not only that, but my own FATHER is a major head honcho in the IT department that does the blocking/bannings. His BFF is *the* guy who is in charge of that stuff. And I still can't get blocked. Even though they all read my blog, religiously, if you will.

I am blocked at BYU Jerusalem, so it's a small win for me, I guess.

Oh, and congrats on being on the radio and all that crap.

seashmore said...

You've inspired me to share this again. So I have. I even put it on the blog hardly anyone reads AND am letting my own fundraiser (selling scarves to benefit Multiple Sclerosis research) take the back seat for a bit.

Nicole said...

Barrett texted you??? LUCKY!

I appreciate all the support you've done for the campaign. I've barely had my blog post up about it for 2 hours....

Brooke said...

AMEN to the rockin' Denae-written family Christmas letter!! In fact, I'm not even bothering to write one this year, since there is no way it can remotely compare to the masterpiece that was last year's letter.

Here's a thought: You should write a mad-lib style generic Christmas letter, and we can all just plug in our family names, events, etc. and Voila! The perfect solution to the drudgery that is writing the #@$! annual end-of-the-year epistle.

I'd happily contribute some more dough to the LDSBC for something like that . . . :)

Heidi G. said...

Okay, so I had to read it three times to get the full jist - but...only needed to read it once to remember how funny and clever and remarkable you are!!!!
How did you get to be so creative? You are the Erma Bombeck of the 10's (is that how we say it nowdays?) Anyway, thank you for all the good that you are doing. Not only do you inspire and uplift and....'happify' (MaryEllenEdmunds) make me feel better even when I have a bad cold!
You're so right about all you wrote. These single moms really do need our help and outreach. I've been amongst 'em and it's very, very hard to raise children alone and on such a limited income. Life is hard enough without all those additional things stacked-against you!
Thanks for being so caring. I've tried to see you on KSL but the thing won't load. I'm going to try again as I know I'm gonna feel really bad if I don't get to see you!!!
spotlightin' you on MormonMomsWhoBlog today! :)

Brittany said...

I get texts from Barrett all the time. Except his last name is Nelson. And he's my brother. So maybe not the same thing. Thanks for making me laugh and reminding me that while I did blog about your campaign, I haven't yet taken the 30 seconds to donate. Doing that now.
Congrats on your new found fame too.

Stef said...

Okay, so I just found you on Mormon Moms Who Blog and you are hilarious. I love it! And Sheri Dew is I going to get excommunicated for saying that. Really I love her...I do...really. Gulp. I will be back...oh yes.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Nobody bothered to inform me about your blog until today. I mean, what kind of minions do you have working for you?

I am glad I found your wondrous blog. Yes, wondrous. Newest item on my "Gratitude List".

Barett said...

Serene huh? My wife Heidi laughed when she heard that. I am pretty serene though, I mean I can sit still all through sacrament meeting without fidgeting, though I do need my snack baggy.

Congrats on the BYU block, that is hard to do. Mormon Messages was blocked for a long time as well.

Karen Peterson said...

I bow to your greatness. What an honor to be blocked by BYU!

I think this is such an awesome, worthwhile scholarship. I was raised by a single mom who went back to school while still raising me and my younger brother and it took years for her to pay off the student loans for that 2-year degree. But it changed our lives.

(Oh, and did you know that you were nominated for two real-life actual awards? Cuz you were...)

Kazzy said...

You look completely at home behind that desk (by the way, I forgot to tell you last week how key-ute your haircut is)!

Leave BYU to me. I gots connections.

melissa@joyineveryseason said...

You really got me with the “most serene man not in an oil painting” …and then speaking of the MTM show, which I have for some reason been thinking about for two days. However, I refuse to do the math, and this makes me not old, just stubborn. You are terribly funny in a good and grand way!