Wednesday, November 16, 2011

O Wise One Wednesday: The Home Decorating Edition

This little owl is as surprised as you are that,
like wearing stretchy pants in your room, I'm blogging jus' for fun.

Hello, my friends!  I've missed you! Missed your blogs!  Missed your comments!  Missed your anonymous cash donations to the "DeNae Really Needs a Vacation" fund!

Ha!  I totally kid on that last one!  Really, there will be no pitches to contribute to worthy causes, like the one on my sidebar with the little video and sporting the buttons that say "give" and "share" and "Are you sure you don't want to send DeNae to a spa or something?"

I have been given a lot of wonderful opportunities to use this silly old Seinfeld of a blog -- truly, the blog about nothing -- to do some good.  I'm fairly certain these delightful people clicked the wrong e-mail address and then, when it was too late to back out gracefully, they heaved the Sigh of Inevitability and included me in their philanthropic activities.  Nevertheless, I soldier on, like the good little Doo-Bee that I am.  (If you think I'm referring to a joint or a band, then lord have mercy, I'm even older than YOU.)

TODAY'S WISDOM has to do with the upcoming holiday decorating season.  This wisdom was recently acquired by my 16-year old son while stringing artificial cobwebs all over our porch.  Despite our owning two ladders and a perfectly good step stool, Jake -- certain that he knew best, because all 16-year olds do, don't you know -- chose a different method to reach those higher, out of the way spots.


A white resin chair, rigid and cracked from the cold, does not make a very good step ladder.  Stand on it long enough, however, and it becomes a terribly fetching skirt.  Be warned:  This surprising addition to your ensemble may cause you to lose your balance and topple tutu over teakettle into the dead and leafless shrubbery beneath the porch.  On your back, six legs flailing -- two of them human --  and irrecoverably stuck, you will give the appearance of an upended turtle.  Help will come, after your sister deals with the bladder control issues brought on by your feat of acrobatic and balletic tumbling.

Your mother's biggest regret that day will be that she was cleaning out the car when it happened, and didn't turn around until you were de-frocked and being hauled out of the bushes by your cross-legged sister.  


Kristina P. said...

I like to use the 5 year olds from my sweatshop as stools. It's a win/win.

DeNae said...

Kristina, I've always said you were the wind beneath my skirt. I guess I was wrong. It's kindergarteners, oofing and grunting to support your changing a light bulb.

AS Amber said...

Ba ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh man, you said the story about that chair breaking was a good one and you delivered!!! Oh how I wish I could've seen that.

I have a deep scar on the back of my ankle (I was going to try to spell Achil....tendon but my phone couldn't figure it out and I sure in the hell don't know how to spell it so...back of the ankle it is.) from falling through a plastic chair while standing on it to get Hayden on mom and dad's trampoline. Of course knowing them, it probably WAS the only ladder they had.

myimaginaryblog said...

Tutu over teakettle was my favorite part. I, too, really wish I could have seen this.

Jillybean said...

Reason #87 of why you should have a camera with you AT ALL TIMES! Just think of the potential blackmail material this could have been.
Or better yet, if you had a video, you could win some serious cash on America's funniest home videos.
Perhaps you should talk him into recreating the event so it can be properly documented on film?

Kazzy said...

I can fall off of a step ladder as easily as I can fall off of a resin, cracked chair, I tell you what.

Becca said...

Poor Jake. Poor cheap plastic patio furniture. Poor you to miss all the fun. (And poor whomever had to do the laundry related to the bladder issues).

I love a sad story.

Lara said...

Oh man! So sorry you missed it! Even sorrier you weren't standing at the ready with your camera when it happened.

As for me, I try hard not to ever be above ground level. I'm quite a talented faller.

Brittany said...

So glad WOW is back. I've been sorely in need.
Also, please enter me in your Christmas letter contest. Blogged about the scholarship here:
(Not my best work, but it's 6 a.m.) and will donate later today. When it's not in the 6 a.m.'s anymore and I should have been in the shower many half hours ago.

LKP said...

hehehehehehe... the mental imagery makes me need to take care of MY bladder issue! :D

wendy said...

Ha that I would have loved to see. I am sick and wrong (so I have been told) when I laugh at others embarassing, clumsy, and little accidents.
That's what I do.

another good reason I do NOT decorate, any higher then I can reach (from a sitting position in a chair)

Stephanie said...

I've never commented here before, but I just had to mention that BYU has blocked your blog from their on-campus internet XD Kinda made my day, except now I can't read it during lectures anymore. Darn it all.

Melanie Jacobson said...

Sometimes I toy with the idea of never telling my children what to do, because it's way more hilarious when the run around acting without any common sense at all.

Karen Peterson said...

The other day I had to reach something from a high shelf. We have a broken folding chair in the garage that needs to be thrown away but, of course, no one has gotten around to it. For just a moment I wondered if it was really THAT broken.