Wednesday, August 10, 2011

On the Lam

Hello, one and all!  I realize, of course, that between its being summer and the fact that I haven't blogged since the Bronze Age, the more appropriate greeting might be "Hello, one and ... the other one."

But hope springs eternal, and right now I hope that you've given up on that "meaningful enrichment" summer plan for your kids, and have turned them over to the professionals - Phineas and Ferb - so you might have a few minutes to catch up on your blog reading.

Our march toward the Big Move soldiers on.  We expect to have large, stinky men here on Monday the 15th, tossing all our precious belongings into boxes and hurling them onto their large, stinky truck.  I'm especially looking forward to seeing just how they fold and stuff my six foot grand piano into a 4x4 cardboard box and then mark it "misc yard tools."

I'll be tossing an unarmed grenade into the air and catching it during that process, you can be assured.  One "twang" or "plink" and the pin comes out, boys.

Close on the house (see above, and envy the golf course directly behind it, please) on Friday the 19th, take delivery on the boxes of multi-colored dust once known as our "household goods" on Monday the 22nd, et voila!  We'll be official Utahns again.

My sisters and me, standing on my new Utah porch. 
I'm the one with the Diet Coke can wrapped up in her sausage roll bangs.

Not that moving has been all stress and hair appointments in Colorado City.  There's been our new favorite game, "Explaining why we only show up as 'taxpayer' on the county rolls."

When the first appraiser called last week to schedule a visit, she asked quite primly if I could tell her just why, exactly, our names and even our house and plat number have been wiped off all official rosters.  Hmm?  Why is that, Mrs. Backorder?  What possible explanation could there be?  I've been in this business a long time, Mrs. Backorder, and this just looks fishy to me.  Fishy, fishy, fishy.

It was so clear she needed a little intrigue in her life, I told her we were fugitives from the law because of our long association with Mexican drug cartels.

My new favorite song is "Stunned Real Estate Appraiser."  These are the lyrics:

"Silence.  Silence.  Loooooong, drawn out silence.
"Erm ... could you repeat that, please?"

That's all.  It's a very short song.  But it's got a really great beat, and you can dance to it.

(Of course, she'll get the last laugh when she values our house at $6.97.  But it was totally worth it.)

So now you're updated. 

OH, and by the way, now that I'm a Utahn, I'm officially offended by any Utah jokes not perpetrated by me. 

Like, the fact that Salt Lake City was just ranked #8 of the top 15 most dangerous U.S. cities in which to drive?  That's not funny, people.  Until you've seen a twenty handcart pileup on the interstate, you don't know what traffic congestion is. 

At seventeen pounds of personal items per cart, you're looking at 340 pounds of flour, buffalo chips, and sausage rollers, just scattered higglety-pigglety all over the highway.

No laughing matter, folks.

Anyway, the next few weeks are going to continue to be crazy, so the blogging will remain sporadic.  I know, I know, it's a hardship.

Tell you what:  To keep yourselves entertained, try finding my house on the Las Vegas plat maps. 

Just don't mention my name.  That drug cartel is seriously frosted that I ran off with all the Diet Coke stuck in my hair.


Brittany said...

I can't even think of a witty comment because I'm laughing so hard about the Diet Coke rolled up in your hair. That, and I've been in Utah for a few weeks now so my brain is set on "stupor of thought."

Thursday said...

I will forever think of diet coke when I see that sister wives hairdo. Thanks for the laugh!

Garden of Egan said...

Well, I'm pretty sure Utah is about to get more dangerous to drive in.
You and your Vegas handcarts. I can't even fathom what type of "miscellaneous" stuff you'll bring.
Thankfully, I don't live in Utah.
You're close enough girlfriend.
No false moves.

Seriously though!
It's cool that you are going to be closer to the action. Ya, know. Vegas must be boring.

You totally rock the hairdo.

tammy said...

I hope you've been practicing your middle finger wave. It will come in handy while you're driving there. Just make sure to memorize your bishop's car first. Not that I would know anything about that.

I'll pray for your piano.

Melanie said...

I was SO excited to see you post that I almost wet myself!! Of course that could also be blamed on the baby karate kicking inside, but whatever, glad to hear from you:) said...

You make me are a master chef of words..that is all..

Becca said...

I was going to say something witty about how you'll fit right in as soon as you make it to your new neighborhood, but you know... I want us still to be friends, and there is some serious Utah bashing going on here in the internets. So I'll just say I'm glad you're closer. :)

Lara said...

Is that how they do their hair like that? I never could figure it out.

Melanie Jacobson said...

Don't stress about the cartels. You can just hide your family under your new voluminous Utah skirts. No more pants for you, young lady.

Rebecca said...

The hand grenade thing really does work for piano haulers. Ours made it safe and sound out here to MO. Not sure about our other stuff, I haven't finished unpacking yet, and some of the boxes look a little lopsided. But good luck to you and your stuff!!

Dorothy Rumsey said...

I am really going to miss you!! I really appreciate your talents, as in music, teaching, and making me laugh so hard I fall off my chair!! Good luck living in Utah. I lived there 46 years ago. AWK! Did I just say 46 years ago? Wash my mouth out with soap!

Lindzena said...

LOL!! Oh that made me laugh!! WELCOME to Utah! I wish blessings on the transportation of your Grand Piano.

PS, "Hello one and... the other one." That really made me laugh.

Kazzy said...

You and your sisters look so sad in that photo. Is it Warren?

Utah needs you, so hurry up and get here!

Andrea said...

Good luck with the move! And the new hair do.

Karen Peterson said...

I hope the move is going well. We miss you around here!

Eternally Distracted said...

Hope all is going well... I'm off to buy a diet coke! :)

Donna said...

my blog today is for you!!

AS Amber said...

Look how cute we are on your porch!! I really love that one of you. I just got the text from your youngest that you're on your way!!


Cheerkicks all around! Herkie! Toe-touch! Handspring!! Spirit fing....d'oh! I peed my pants.

Can't wait to have you here!

Kristy said...

Good luck to you!!!

Jillybean said...

I always wondered how they got their hair to do that!
My daughter has school pictures tomorrow and wanted to do something fun with her hair. Do you think that a Diet Dr Pepper can would work as well as the Diet Coke? Her hair is really long, do you think I shoulc use several cans?

wendy said...

I am soooooo laughing at this post.
diet coke hid up in your sausage roll bangs!!!!!
(even the comments have me giggling)

so where DO you live in Utah actually???
oh yeah,
I don't think you can really say, due to the Drug Cartel and all.
dangerous stuff.

I guess I moved OUT of Utah just in time missy.
due to the drug cartel thing
and all you sistas's look VERY suspicious.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ARe you here? ARe you here? WELCOME WELCOME! I bet you're all in a whirl right about now. Or maybe you're all unpacked already. Plus you've finished your novel and edited Melanie J's next book. That's how we roll in Utah. ;)

Scooby and Jon said...

Here's hoping you and your piano made it here in the same condition that you left Vegas! And while I'm currently no good for helping unpack, (unless sitting on my incubating tush pointing counts) I can make fudge if the sight of all your boxes makes you want it...