Dan Rizzoli is responsible for this owl picture.
You don't like it? Call him.
For goodness' sake, where have you all been? It's been days, nay, weeks, since you were here!
Oh, wait. I'm the one who was missing. Stop keening already, the professional mourning period has been temporarily suspended!
Why? Because I'm BACK, BABY!
But only briefly. So grab the popcorn, gather the family around the computer, and brace yourselves for some major wisdom. It's been building up in me over these last two weeks like goo in a zit, and it's time to pop this bad boy all over your monitors.
I know! Very exciting! And good for you, too!
So, my first batch of wisdom is moving related, on accounta that's kind of what I'm doing right now. We're being transferred to a super-secret FBI lair deep under Gotham. I can't tell you its name, but it rhymes with the "Shmat Shmave." The lighting isn't great but you CAN park your car in the living room, which I for one count as a major selling point. Oh, and you can shoot rockets at the HOA president's house. Seriously, who wouldn't want to live there??
So here's my moving wisdom:
Don't bother packing. I can't actually advise you to burn your house to the ground in a questionable insurance fire. I can only say that, if you live in Las Vegas - where houses are worth less than the dog doo on their lawns - you are money ahead if you accidentally and totally not on purpose sleep-torch the place. Make sure the kids and the Diet Coke are out of harm's way first.
WHEW! That was some amazing wisdom, huh?
And, hey, JayKay all you Patriot Actors who are absolutely NOT monitoring everything I put on my blog. (Really, who would even suggest something so preposterous? Not yours truly, who has absolutely nothing to hide no matter what my pinko commie neighbors say.) The fact that I get regular, mysterious e-mails telling me that my kids left the mayo on the counter overnight should not in any way suggest that someone was working graveyards over at Patriot Act Central and used my webcam to check out the pantry.
Anyway, I have BONUS wisdom to share, and it's here on this post that you didn't even know I posted because I used my magic Way Back Machine to reverse time so I could post this post before I posted the post that comes before the post you're now reading.
So click the link for even MORE exciting wisdom, and if you live anywhere in NW Las Vegas and hear sirens in the next couple of days, please don't worry.
The Diet Coke is safe.