Wednesday, June 1, 2011

O Wise One Wednesday


Oh, for heaven's sake.  Is it Wednesday already?  Honestly, I no more than get a pile of wisdom scooped into a paper bag and set afire on your porch than it's time to scoop and light again!

Fortunately, I'm heading out of town later this week, so I have all sorts of travel wisdom to share.  This comes from years of living where all the relatives don't, so I'm, like, the Confucius of airplane wisdom.  Seriously.  I'm published in a number of your better quality fortune cookies and everything. 

*ahem*

  • Prayer is the only thing that keeps airplanes up.
  • All the popular girls from your high school have an app on their phones that pings them whenever security searches your luggage and confiscates your tampons.
  • Children turn into sociopaths at 30,000 feet.
  • Every twelfth passenger to use an airplane lavatory gets sucked through the hole. 
  • It pays to count the passengers as they enter the airplane lavatory.
  • Travelers to Las Vegas start their wild weekends the minute they board the plane in Duluth.  They will arrive at their destination so stupid drunk they could be used as a floatation device in the event of a water landing.
  • Las Vegans pray that travelers from Duluth use the airplane lavatory in rotations of twelve.
  • Over the Grand Canyon.




Owl image by Danilo Rizzuti






14 comments:

Momza said...

I've been to LV once. In an airplane, even. I didn't use the lavatory thank goodness! But your observation about tourists' prep for flying into LV is spot-on...just a buncha drunks trying to live up to the "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" theme song. I just have never wanted to go back. So many people, cars, lights, and people. Sheesh. I know I said "people" twice. My dramatic flair called for it.

Stacy said...

Ha ha! Very timely post for me as we're boarding a plane on Monday, with our six month old baby, to fly to Hawaii. Yes, we're not going to be the crazy drunk ones, we'll be the ones with the crying baby that everyone wants to kill.

Donna said...

I used to deal to all of those crazy drunks...and they are crazy!
my blog is dedicated to women like you today....enjoy

Jenny P. said...

Confiscated tampons? That's just wrong. I hate traveling with a fiery purple passion... I hope your travels go smoothly.

Kazzy said...

Love the flotation device reference. You know, I always chuckle when we are flying out here in the dry west and they do the whole thing about water landings? Great Salt Lake? Lake Havasu?

HalfAsstic.com said...

SO MUCH TO REMEMBER! *copying, pasting and printing*
Too funny!

Melanie Jacobson said...

Aw, man. Why you gotta hate on Duluthians?

myimaginaryblog said...

Wait, drunk people are buoyant?

(I just realized I've never written the word "buoyant," and also that it starts with the word "buoy," which will make me say "boo-oye" to myself for the next half hour, as that word always does. Although according to Dictionary.com I should actually be saying "[boo-ee, boi]."

Jenny: I hate traveling with my Fiery Purple Passion, too--he's not very well-trained, so I try to leave him at home.

Piana Mama said...

I once was on a Southwest flight all day with my 4 month old. There were 3 stops and I didn't change planes once. By the end of the day the flight attendants got on to say drinks and peanuts would be coming, but instead this time they said in a hypnotic voice, "You're getting sleeeeppy, very sleeeeepppy. You have no thirst or desire to eat. All you want to do is sleeeep." It was really funny. As always, love the post. :)

wendy said...

GOOD TO KNOW.
I pray a lot when I get on an airplane, and rub rosary beads and whatever else I think might get me through.
maybe I should try drunk (tee,hee)

I have a great fear of airplane bathrooms...now for sure I'll be counting.
thanks wise one.

wendy said...

and WHY do they go over the whole flotation device thing when you are flying over a dessert.
and besides...IF YOU DID land in the ocean, those devices would merely be a serving tray for the sharks.

LKP said...

hehehehehehehehehehe!!! thanks for this. :D

L.T. Elliot said...

Damn, woman. I'm so grateful for you.
I'm counting the lavatory occupants the next time I fly.

Grammy Goodwill said...

I've just found your blog and become a follower. I am laughing at this one and the past ones I've gone back to read. I know I'll enjoy reading your posts.