So, if Facebook, blogland, and my Valium stock are any indication, most of your kids are out of school by now. In our district, we like to see students stay in school as long as possible. The average is sixth grade. After that, they can get paid $40k as a bellhop down on the strip, so who needs all that extra fancy larnin'?
Certainly not Nevada students, who - and oh, how I wish I were kidding - are required to turn in their textbooks on the Thursday before finals week. Don't want to jeopardize our Number 50 ranking in state test scores by letting kids study over that last weekend, now, do we?
But that's not the wisdom I'm here to
dump on impart to you.
I don't know if I've mentioned it in the last eleven minutes, but prior to our move to Las Vegas ten years ago, we spent four years living in the Caribbean.
Here, I'll add a picture, to jog your memories:
That's me, circa 1998. I'm the one holding her breath at the bottom of the pool, hoping the photographer realizes I didn't come equipped with a blowhole. Puerto Rico is the world's chief exporter of beauty queens. You can see from this picture that it's because those lovely Puerto Rican women have really big, you know, crowns.
So fourteen years living in sun-drenched climes with scantily clad, tiara wearing neighbors has made me
- an expert on all things summer
- did I say bitter already?
Really. You are SO welcome.
- This summer, your kids will remain self-entertaining for exactly as long as it takes for the AC to go out in your mini-van. From then until Labor Day, it's all you, baby.
- I recommend a blowgun and darts tipped with Benadryl.
- Video game marketers pay your children a dividend every time they say the words, "I'm bored."
- Your grocery bill is going to increase one hillion, jillion percent. That's what you get for fooling around fifteen years ago.
- And then three years later.
- And two years after that.
- Sheesh, someone needs to turn a hose on you already.
- Picnics are the dumbest, stupidest, most ignorant-est way to serve a meal. Under what other circumstances would you eat with a cup in one hand, a steak knife in the other, and your plate balanced on your knees?
- Grab a bite to eat on your way to the picnic.
- McDonald's has the best fries, the best Diet Coke and, conveniently, the best straws.
- Everything else on the McDonald's menu is essentially masking tape covered in ketchup.
- That is the correct spelling of "ketchup."
- If you don't have a pool in your backyard, you need to double the Benadryl. I did the math. The ratio is exactly two-to-one. Backyard pool, one blowdart. No pool, two blowdarts.
- No cable, seventeen blowdarts.
- And of course, if you run out of Benadryl, or for some crazy reason there are laws in your state governing the wholesale neutralizing of grade schoolers with over-the-counter anti-histamines, you can always pick up a prescription.
- I hear there's no waiting at Dr. Baskin's office.
- Tell Nurse R DeNae sent you.