Wednesday, June 8, 2011

O Wise One Wednesday - Summer Wisdom

So, if Facebook, blogland, and my Valium stock are any indication, most of your kids are out of school by now.  In our district, we like to see students stay in school as long as possible.  The average is sixth grade.  After that, they can get paid $40k as a bellhop down on the strip, so who needs all that extra fancy larnin'?

Certainly not Nevada students, who - and oh, how I wish I were kidding - are required to turn in their textbooks on the Thursday before finals week.  Don't want to jeopardize our Number 50 ranking in state test scores by letting kids study over that last weekend, now, do we?

But that's not the wisdom I'm here to dump on impart to you.

I don't know if I've mentioned it in the last eleven minutes, but prior to our move to Las Vegas ten years ago, we spent four years living in the Caribbean.

Here, I'll add a picture, to jog your memories:

That's me, circa 1998.  I'm the one holding her breath at the bottom of the pool, hoping the photographer realizes I didn't come equipped with a blowhole.  Puerto Rico is the world's chief exporter of beauty queens.  You can see from this picture that it's because those lovely Puerto Rican women have really big, you know, crowns.

So fourteen years living in sun-drenched climes with scantily clad, tiara wearing neighbors has made me
  • bitter
  • an expert on all things summer
  • did I say bitter already?
And while I've turned the bitterness problem over to Dr. Baskin and Nurse Robbins, I am opting to offload my summer related wisdom onto you, my loyal, non-tiara wearing friends.

Really.  You are SO welcome.

  • This summer, your kids will remain self-entertaining for exactly as long as it takes for the AC to go out in your mini-van.  From then until Labor Day, it's all you, baby.
  • I recommend a blowgun and darts tipped with Benadryl.
  • Video game marketers pay your children a dividend every time they say the words, "I'm bored."
  • Your grocery bill is going to increase one hillion, jillion percent.  That's what you get for fooling around fifteen years ago. 
  • And then three years later. 
  • And two years after that. 
  • Sheesh, someone needs to turn a hose on you already.
  • Picnics are the dumbest, stupidest, most ignorant-est way to serve a meal.  Under what other circumstances would you eat with a cup in one hand, a steak knife in the other, and your plate balanced on your knees?
  • Grab a bite to eat on your way to the picnic.
  • McDonald's has the best fries, the best Diet Coke and, conveniently, the best straws.
  • Everything else on the McDonald's menu is essentially masking tape covered in ketchup.
  • That is the correct spelling of "ketchup."   
  • If you don't have a pool in your backyard, you need to double the Benadryl.  I did the math.  The ratio is exactly two-to-one.  Backyard pool, one blowdart.  No pool, two blowdarts.
  • No cable, seventeen blowdarts. 
  • Each.
  • And of course, if you run out of Benadryl, or for some crazy reason there are laws in your state governing the wholesale neutralizing of grade schoolers with over-the-counter anti-histamines, you can always pick up a prescription.
  • I hear there's no waiting at Dr. Baskin's office. 
  • Tell Nurse R DeNae sent you.


Dina said...

O wise one... it's all so true!

Dixie Mom said...

You are going to SAVE me big time this summer. Off to pick up some Benadryl...and darts, I think.

Wendys Hat said...

You should have stayed in that Caribbean dream and you too could have been Mrs. America! Just think of the speaking engagements!

Yes Summer! In the "olden days" my Mother sent us to every kind of Camp she could. Why wasn't I ever that smart? I like to be tortured by my kids I suppose. Wish ME {all of us} luck!

P.S. What school makes your kids turn in books early? Over here in Green Valley {the promised land} they hand them in at the final test.

Scooby and Jon said...

You are so very very wise. Except it might have been more wise to stay in the Caribbean. (I may only be saying that because visiting there sounds fabulous right now).

Kristina P. said...

I am a big proponent of Benadryl. And bourbon.

I miss you! I was just thinking about you last night, when your comment popped up in my email. It was like I willed it there.

Kazzy said...

What will you do if you ever live in a place with clouds and snow and rain? Will you still be funny?

I miss you.

Beka said...

That's so cool! That's how I spell ketchup, too! ;)

Kristy said...

Can I have some Valium? :)

Melanie Jacobson said...

This is my kind of parenting.

Brittany said...

I assumeed the darts and Benadryl were for myself. Made it to the end of your post-- loling the whole time-- before the Bendadryl kicked in. said...

Freakin' hilarious! All I can think of though, is how bad I want to put my tiara back on...

M-Cat said...

My boys were raised on Benadryl.
Okay, that's a lie -I'm too cheap and we used the generic brand.
They survived not in spite of it, but BECAUSE of it.

And you speak the truth about McDonalds. Hand on the bible truth

veronica said...

Thank you for ever so adequately describing the hellish conditions under which I am currently living. Not for long though. I'm running off to Puerto Rico with my friends Ben & Jerry.

Garden of Egan said...

I'm coming over to your place to get warm.

Sorry you were fooling around 15 years ago. We finally learnt our lesson 20 years ago.

I am SO damn glad I don't have kids in school anymore. I did say damn.
I don't feel bad about it either.

V is probably freezing to death and wondering why you have a pool.

I can hook you up with benadryl if you need it. I am a drug pusher, but I'm not Nurse Robbins, however would probably marry her if it wasn't illegal.

InkMom said...

Those are not big . . . tiaras.

TisforTonya said...

Shopping List: Benadryl and Valium... that should get us through June.

Myrnie said...

So...if this "pool" is a galvanized metal tub, let's many blowdarts per child again?

MarieC said...

Summer?? What's that? you mean those 10 days in late July/early August when my heat doesn't run at least once a day?

Becca said...

I just totally forgot what I was going to say, because I KID YOU NOT, my word-veri is "Sundae."

Is 7:45 a.m. too early to go see Dr. Baskin?

Kim Bee said...

well I was nervous about summer kids but now OWO, I have a game plan......
1. Don my stillettos
2. IM taking the Benadryl
3. Give the kids whatever they want, mcdonalds, darts, videogames, they can have it all....
4. Fly to Puerto Rico and get some.....(ahem) current ones are both gone south (literally)from fooling around 11 years ago!!!
YOU ARE SOOO WISE! Gracias Senorita!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I wish I would have read this before I made my educational and productive summer plan. I'm such an idiot.

Jessica said...


Pianamama said...

Thank you, O Wise One, for validating my summer plans. Very proud of the ketchup spelling shoutout...keep up the impeccable grammar. :)

Rebecca said...

Thanks for the list of what to do this summer to survive. I have plenty of darts due to plenty of boys in the house, just need to stock up on benadryl...
Of course, another way to cure boredom is to move to another state in the middle of the summer. Stuff them all in a car for 3 days and threaten to drop one in each state on the way if they say "Are we there yet?" one more time. Which is what I will be doing in one month. Wish me luck!! (don't know how my aim will be with the dart guns while driving!)

Baltzers said...

Crap. The air conditioning already went out in my mini van!

wendy said...

Well, It's a good thing I don't have kids at home anymore....cause that would be a lot of blowdarts.

nice tiara

Christy said...

I'm so glad to see you have an appreciation of Ronald's straws. They are THE BEST! I keep a stash in my car.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, man! I thought Benadryl blow darts were MY invention! I'll see you in court, chica! I think you are hysterical!