Thursday, May 26, 2011

Blogging on Lortab: Not That I've Ever Done That

Yes, I know.  Wednesday's wisdom wasn't all that wise.  I mean, it was mostly about multitasking and typos and 'Chuck.'  By the way, anyone who knows Ken Craig has no doubt asked themselves, "Why is it that Ken Craig and 'Chuck' are never seen in the same room at the same time, like Bruce Wayne and Batman, or Michael Jackson and Diana Ross?  Is it because one of the guys is a famous actor and comic genius and the other one is 'Chuck'?"

So, which guy and his hot tamale wife is Ken, and which is Chuck? 
You understand the quandary, don't you?

The explanation for the wussy O-WOW is I was under the weather.  I had MAJOR surgery on Tuesday - and by "major" I mean outpatient with no incisions or the removal of any innards or outards or anything - but where I still could have died multiple times on the operating table and probably did, now that I think about it, only to be yyyyaaaannnked back to life at the last second by means of the anesthesiologist's tech confiscating his cell phone so he'd stop playing "Words With Friends" long enough to notice that I was hovering over the bed in a beam of light.

Because how else would you explain all those canceled funerals?

If I had finished dying on the operating table, I would have had to send my wisdom through ouija boards and appearances as an image in righteous people's oatmeal and stuff like that.  And that would have been terrible, because honestly, I'm not that wild about oatmeal.  So all my appearances would have been with me scowling and offering grumpy wisdom, like, "Hey!  That underwear isn't going to put itself in the hamper!"

When put in that context, suddenly it's all right that all I had to say on Wednesday was "pay attention while you type," huh?

No more whining, then.


On to other subjects, namely, what surgery did I have, exactly?

None of your business.  Sheesh.


Next on the update agenda, then, is I'm getting ready for the SITS conference in Seattle on June 4.  I love speaking at these conferences, because I love the subject:  "How Blogging Has Transformed the Global Laundry Industry."

Who says Blogging hasn't Transformed the Global Laundry Industry?  Laundry gets done because it allows bloggers to feel productive while sitting at their computers for 40 minutes at a time.  It used to be we had to pretend we were checking our bank balances or looking into changing cell phone plans while we spent 40 minute stretches at our computers.  But then one lone voice - I think it was my mother's - said, "Look. At least put in a load of whites while you monkey around on the internet."

And the global laundry industry was transformed forever.


So I talk about that, and about telling stories on your blog, and about how if you tell enough stories on your blog you can actually get all of your towels washed, dried, folded, and put away, which always leads to the suprising revelation that you have too many towels.

You can't tell me that's not, like, crazy inspirational.

See?  I'm a giver.


The EVO people didn't invite me to speak at their July conference this year, so guess what?  They can fold their own damn towels.  Although don't tell them I said that, especially since the gal in charge is also speaking in Seattle, and it could get awkward if she suddenly and entirely without provocation (except for the towel thing) smushed cheesecake in my face during a breakout session.

It is really hard to bring a conversation back around to the weather after that.  I tell you these things from experience.


And then in September I get to go to North Carolina to speak at a women's conference about other subjects I love - specifically, Scriptural Tributes to Cupcakes.

I know, right?


My daughter turns 21 on June 5. 

This is 21 in Vanessa-land:  One minute she is suggesting that, for her gift, we could fly her to Florida in August so she can cruise to the Bahamas for two weeks on her roommate's family sailboat. 

And the next minute she is texting me with the announcement that, like Daisy Mae in the ridiculous musical "Li'l Abner" (in which I played "wife number two" in the ninth grade) she is - at the ripe old age of 21 - past her prime, and really has nothing left to expect from life except collecting and labeling disposable serving containers in hopes of a starring role on "Hoarders: The Past Your Prime Edition."

I wonder if she realizes that, if she were married right now, the very last thing she would be doing in August would be sailing to the Bahamas.

I was married at 21, and we were more in the 'collecting and labeling disposable serving containers' club.


My other daughter has senior-itis so bad I am seriously considering having her whacked.  I live in Vegas and my husband's a Fed.  He's bound to have the connections.


I think my 15-year old asked Santa if he could take Algebra as a summer school activity.  I don't know why he would do that, but there's no arguing with the evidence.


Hmm... I think that's all I have to report.  Let's see:  Lame O-WOW; didn't die on the operating table; oatmeal; Seattle; cheesecake; scriptures; cupcakes; my poor unmarried daughter; sitting in the 'I gave up at the semester' section at graduation; Algebra as a spectator sport.

Yep.  That's it.

 Please get back to me if any of you see Ken and Chuck together, so I can get that one off my plate.



THANKS FOR THE LAUGH. ALWAYS CRACK ME UP. I too had surgery this week and believe I died a couple of times too, but what I remember is the fun of coming off the loopy juice.

LA Adams said...

Thanks! I love laughing so hard my chair slides sideways. Now with 7 kids - one of them has to have seen "Chuck" and Ken together! They probably know where the batmoble button is located - or was that the grenn hornet? Anyway kids know everything and ralways reveal it at the most inconvient time. We just have never seen the episodes after kids............
So sorry about the surgery - actually I can't wait to hear your take on hospitals, labs, doctors - I'm starting to laugh just thinking what you'll say.

MarieC said...

Remember when you come to Seattle that it will be JUNUARY. Sigh...

Wendys Hat said...

Perfectly funny post! Glad you didn't die. Oh and I'm jealous of your new boobs! :)

katie the greatie said...

(Hi. It's me, Becca. Blogger hates me. So it won't let me in. Or my Kid out.)

Thank you for a happy start to my day. I'm going to take the fourth grade by storm after this, I assure you. XOXO

Jillybean said...

My 15 year old son is also taking Algebra during the summer (Algebra 2, actually) and it was his idea! I think it's great, except for the fact that I have to get up early every day to take him there.
So much for my summer sleep in days.....

I enjoyed your post written on Lortab, what does it say about me that I understood it?

Kristina P. said...

I assume that your surgery to "fix a deviated septum" now makes you look like Michael Jackson or Gwyneth Paltrow. Have you ever noticed they kind of look alike?

I'm sure after Seattle, they will beg you to come speak. Or at least serve dinner rolls at the fancy dinner.

Kazzy said...

OMGoodness. I just love you.

Beam of light hovering above the table. I bet your beam is brighter than anyone else's.

Cheeseboy said...

I've learned that no good EVER comes out of asking a woman about what kind of surgery they had.

Piana Mama said...

My favorite lines? "Well guess what? They can fold their own damn towels.". That was way funny. And I have no clue why!!!

Garden of Egan said...

Your surgery was probably an "enhancement" being that ya'll live in Vegas and stuff.

I was wondering if you were STILL on lortab. But THAT'S probably not my business.

When is V's bday? She may need a cake or some hugely embarassing event.

Motherboard said...

Texting with you while you're on said Loratab is even funnier.

I really wish I could fly to Seattle to see you this next weekend. That would be way more fun than what I'm going to do. Which is... umm... nothing.

M-Cat said...

You say that like blogging on Lortab is a bad thing....

And I am kinda thinking you are still on some. are this funny ALL the time Stone cold sober.

Melanie Jacobson said...

You should have drawn a cat face on your butt before the surgery like my father-in-law did to his once to make the doctor laugh. (Don't act like you're above it.) Unless it was dental surgery. Then it would be sort of pointless.

Ken Craig said...

Ken/Chuck, here. You know, now that you mention it...I'VE NEVER SEEN US IN THE SAME ROOM EITHER! Uncanny. DeNae, I am of course flattered that you would make the connection. It reminds me of a surgery I once had - wherein the Intersect 2.0 was removed from my brain. And also, while I was under, I had new butt-implants put in. Where my old derrière was. Not on my shoulders. Just thought I'd clarify.

Ken Craig said...

P.S. By the way, you're not going to tell people about your surgery? Fine, I will. DeNae is now able to receive Diet Coke intravenously.

DeNae said...

Drat. Curse you "Chuck" Craig, with your indiscreet revelations about why I'm now toting around an IV pole shaped like a giant diet Coke bottle.

Karen Peterson said...

I'm glad you didn't die on the operating table. I hear the WiFi from the other side is pretty hit or miss.

TisforTonya said...

you mean I wasn't the only one on Lortab this week? (just a pulled neck muscle... nothing exciting that would have merited hovering above the table in a beam of light)

the Lortab did almost nothing for me though - it was the blogging (or the lack of blogging whilst I slept for 36 hours straight) while on Flexeril that really did me in.

I am a "titchy bit" jealous of the Seattle BBC thing... only because I miss my moldy homies there in the Pacific Northwest... but now that I've finally dried out we might have nothing to talk about anymore. said...

Oh lord. Here I was giggling along thinking everything was all lighthearted and funny and then you mention one daughter turning 21 and the other having senioritis, and I am immediately plunged back into my own life. Are you looking in my window, cause shit... Didn't I JUST GO THROUGH ALL THAT CRAP?
Too funny!

faye glendale said...

Hahaha! that was a good laugh right there! now I have to buy Lortab. I think my back hurts because of laughing too hard a while ago. haha!