Monday, May 2, 2011

All I Need is an Invisible Plane

Boy, have I been busy.  Busy, busy, busy.  Beavers and bees? Mere slugs compared to yours truly.  I'm like a super-hero these days.  So I haven't been around blogland lately.  But according to the comments I've been getting - namely, none - you all haven't been around, either.

What gives?  If I can get through another wedding...

...and turn right around and make the world safe for democracy...

(Dear Google:  Please insert a picture of a certain terrorist whose name rhymes with Shmosama Shmin Shmaden here in such a way that a) implies that I was the bad-donkey who took him out in a daring commando raid right after my nap, and b) does not encourage anyone to blow up my house or my computer or my town and stuff.  Thank you.  p.s. Don't use that icky one of him all dead.  Blech.)

...then I think you could have at least popped over and said, "Hey, you sharp shootin' wedding planner, how's it going?"

I mean, sheesh.  Think that kiss up there just happened?  No, you naive blog readers.  I was standing behind the lace curtain hollering, "Look, people, any country that can produce the likes of Russell Brand along with an incredibly casual philosophy regarding nudity in the mainstream media can certainly come up with a royal couple - particularly one that has been openly cohabitating for two years - capable of kissing in public. Plus, I'm taking out a terrorist later and I don't have time for all this 'will they, won't they' nonsense.  Kiss right now, dammit, or it's a live grenade under Granny's yellow sombrero."

So that kiss was good news for HRH Elizabeth. 

I don't know about you, but because I was so terribly busy, I was only able to dedicate 36 continuous hours to watching
  • the royal wedding pre-game show,
  • the royal wedding car pool,
  • the royal wedding van pool,
  • the royal wedding parade of hats ("Oh, isn't this lovely?  Princess Eugenie is wearing a spectacular design from the 'Dr. Seuss on Acid' collection."),
  • the royal wedding parade of quaint innkeepers from what has to be the totally made up village of Bucklebury (Bucklebury?  Really?  They probably paid to have the name changed when it looked like Katie was going to make it big on the regency circuit.  I bet it was called "Mudflap Shire" before they won the fifteen minutes of fame lottery), 
  • the royal wedding parade of folks who don't know the words to any Anglican hymns (I'm pretty sure Elton John was singing "Pinball Wizard" during that "Jerusalem" one),
  • the royal wedding 'vows by ventriloquism' in which both bride and groom attempted to declare their undying love and devotion to one another without actually moving their lips,
  • the royal wedding boredom on the faces of the happy couple any time one of the priests started in on all that religious talk,
  • the royal wedding stuck ring,
  • the royal wedding 'groom's not going to wear a ring because his dad says it just gets embarrassing when you lose it in your mistress's sofa cushions,' 
  • and the royal wedding 'go away now, we want to party and you're much too common to listen to Harry's toast in which he will have the audience in stitches by pointing out that - wait for it, this is really witty and observant - his brother William is losing his hair.'
That's how busy I've been.

And it doesn't look like I'll be any less busy this week.  I'm heading north to the LDS Storymakers writers conference on Thursday, and I'm a teensy bit fearful that I may be stoned during a breakout session.  I don't mean post-1960's stoned. I'm referring to something far more terrifying and biblical.  When I used the word 'damn' in my manuscript critique group last year, they all joined hands, closed their eyes, and began singing, "We Love Her, O Lord, But We Hope She Gets Cancer," to the tune of "Pinball Wizard."

It wasn't terribly encouraging.  I freaking hate that hymn.

So along with putting "not DeNae Handy, no matter what you've heard" on my "Hi, my name is..." sticky badge, I've opted out of the critique group sessions.

Still, I'd like to finish my manuscript and take it with me in case I run into any other subversives, and printing stuff on asbestos paper to prevent the fires of hell from consuming it takes Kinkos at least two business days.

So, you know, I'm going to stay pretty darn busy until next week.  But that doesn't let you off the hook, peeps.  You need to show your faces in the windows of my backordered life and let me know you're still out there.  And first chance I get, I'll come by your places, too.

Rocket launcher in one hand, bridal bouquet in the other.   Whatever you're blogging about, hey! I've gotcha covered.

In completely unrelated news, my bishop's kid barfed all over his mother and his grandfather during church last week, and I was the only one who saw it happen, so of course I had to come off the stand and clean it up.  Everyone else in the ward - all 400 of them - faked a sudden and laser-beam interest in the ward choir's musical number, so it was just me and a ziplock bag of baby wipes from the generous dad on the next row.  But guess what?  I got Peanut Butter M&Ms and $10 worth of Baskin Robbins bucks out of it on accounta I caught the Bishop's eye at one point and mouthed the words, "You owe me."  So maybe that selfless act of barf cleanage will produce a force field of karma, protecting me from the fiery darts of my fellow writers this weekend.  If not that, then the extra layer of fat from the 'reward' can't hurt.

I'm not going to lie to you; I lead a complicated spiritual life.


Garden of Egan said...

You're a barf cleaner and a Schmin Smaden cleaner.
You rock.
I like the finesse you threatened the bishop too.
I'm thinking legions will run from you and your complicated spiritual life.

Uh, by the way, it was me wearing the Dr. Seuss hat at the Royal Wedding thank you very much.

Kristina P. said...

So, are you saying your entire ward hates children? I feel such kismet with them.

You should join us on Friday at The Cheesecake Factory for my birthday extravaganza. I am going to eat my age in cheesecake. All 19 pounds of it.

I didn't watch a single Royal Wedding anything. I was too busy planning out my own Royal Wedding, to The Hoff, in my head.

Scooby and Jon said...

You are an amazing woman, you sharp shootin wedding planner!
But I do give you props for cleaning up another child's vomit. I'm pretty sure you get extra gold stars in heaven for that one. and even more extra cuz it was the bishop's wife.

Brandy Rose said...

I'm always here, I just don't always comment. Bad Brandy, Bad!

Dixie Mom said...

I'd like some of the same acid that you and the princess got...please.

Becca said...

1. So excited to see you this weekend.
2. Just realized that it's totally Mother's Day weekend (does this get me out of the Pre-game festivities?)
3. I saved up all my interest in the Royal Wedding for a 20-minute wrap up with Ann Curry.
4. He IS losing his hair. And remember when he looked like his Mama? So pretty, he was 15 years ago. Now? He's turning all Charlie on us. Ah, well.
5. Glad they gave Shmin Shmaden a proper Muslim water burial, so the God of his choice can find him and fast-track him into the hell of his choice. Just saying.

InkMom said...

Next time I've got barf to clean up, I'll send you a quick text and you can just hop in that invisible plane (your reward for cutting off the head of the snake, right?) and head on over this way. Unless, of course, it's the middle of the night. Then, I'll pretend to sleep through it and Craig will take care of the mess while pretending to not know that I'm pretending to be asleep.

Kristy said...

I think Kate is elegant and beautiful!

I have been so busy that I have been able to clean out my DVR list because I've watched everything already!

M said...

I openly mock the wedding and all that went along with it.

I realize that the LDS storymakers is sold out, and seeing as how I'm NOT one but my SIL is and will be there, can you just pop over and say hey, it's me DeNae?

She is sure to have diet coke if you have run low.

seashmore said...

I wonder what the cake looked like. That's all I care about.

I feel so privileged to be bloggily associated the world's greatest hero. Cleaning the world from the two greatest evils in one day half a world apart; unstoppable you are.

Happy Mom said...

Terrorism, weddings, and barf all in the same post.

I bow down to your greatness!

Karen Peterson said...

So many great moments from that royal wedding.

I think the best was when Kate was walking up the aisle and Harry turned around to see her, then whispered to William. I'm not a trained lip reader, but I'm fairly certain he said, "Last chance to bale. If you sneak out now, I'm sure no one will notice."

Migillicutty said...

Dr Seuss on acid!!! I wondered where they got those hats from... :)

Myrnie said...

Dense, I love coming here :). You give me hope for the rest of us spoil sports!

AS Amber said...

You know how I felt about the wedding. I couldn't possibly get enough!!! Oh the hats...they were incredible! It was so much fun to watch! And what was the deal with William not turning around to see her? I noticed Harry looked but not him. LAME!!

You're such a busy busy gal! You really should join us at Cheesecake Factory on Friday!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!

Either way, I'll see you on Sunday :)

(And I still can't believe you cleaned up someone else's kid's puke. Considering you don't even do that for your own kids. Haha!)

annie valentine said...

Seriously, you've practically got blog jams around here compared to what's going on over at Slowville aka my blog. I'm so excited to see you, BTW.

Patty Ann said...

How amazing are you??? I love the fact that you were willing to help with something so icky. I really wish that I could be at that conference with you. It sounds amazing.

Jenny P. said...

On vacation. On a smart phone. Typing with one finger on a virtual keyboard. But commenting anyway cause I love you. Don't visit my blog though cause nothing has happened over there for a week and won't for another week. Wish I was going to storymakers too. Have fun!

Wendys Hat said...

Yes I'm stalking you and rarely comment {I'm usually left speechless} after reading your great words of wisdom! Have fun at your Writers Conference, even if it is in Utah and not at a beachside resort!

Melanie Jacobson said...

Tell Bishop Craig he can still preside even if it's from the second row for a few seconds. Even if it's cleaning up barf. It's why he has counselors.

Also, Kenny and I play a game sometimes, because we are evil, where we check out other couples and decide who is being kind. I wish there were more discussion in the media of the fact that the whole prince thing aside, Kate Middleton is being totally kind. He USED to be hot. Not so much now.

wendy said...

I had to watch the Royal is a requirement of being Canadian. I didn't want to be deported.

It would have been bad for me to clean up the barf at church...I DRY HEAVE anywhere there is barf.
It might have sounded rather melodic as a choir background however.

L.T. Elliot said...

You had me at "Mudflap Shire." Seriously! How does one survive without you? I'm so bringing peanut butter m&m's to see you this weekend.

Motherboard said...

Wait a second. Who got married?

I really am out of it.

Laura said...

Wow. You are very funny! I just discovered your blog and I've never laughed so hard while reading off the internet before. Thankfully my family is asleep or they would be complaining about my sporadic bursts of laughter. I'll be back for more!

Susan said...

Thanks for making me laugh at Storymakers. All your swearing and diet coke drinking washed those stripes straight off my back.