Monday, April 25, 2011

"Warming Up For 'O Wise One Wednesday' Monday"

One of the ways I stay so Wise.
It's a bag o' Pristiq. 
I totally love my drug dealer doctor.

Wow.  It's even tougher to be wise than I thought!  I may have to start a "Too Dumb to Own Anything Starting With a Lowercase 'i' Thursday," just to keep balance in the universe. 

That will be a place where folks like me go to heal and receive validation, despite the fact that we text like we have olives on our fingers.

We'll have discussions on things like "Why the [insert preferred place of eternal burnings here; I'm going with Las Vegas] do they put the [insert preferred route to preferred place of eternal burnings here; it's I-15 for me] 'SEND' button so close to the [insert secondary route to preferred place of eternal burnings here; I choose I-95 because it's closer to my house] 'P'?  Every time I go to write "Pumpernickel Pound Cake" it takes me four messages to get it all in!"

P - send.  Crap.
Ump - send.  Drat.
Ernickel P - send.  I hate Steve Jobs' everlovin' guts.
Ound Cake - send.  Send.  Send.  Oh, really? NOW you've decided to be fussy?  Won't 'send' unless I touch you just so?  Buy you dinner?  A nice ring, maybe?  Send, already!  Sendsendsendsend


We'll also have online chats about how much Gorilla Glue it takes to reassemble your iPhone when you accidentally and not on purpose screech, "I'll teach you to send!  You want a send?  Here's a send for you!  See that wall?  SEND!!"

They say 90% of all accidents happen in the home to your iPhone.  They do.  They totally say that.

Anyway, back to being wise.

I had two readers reach out to me, the Wise One, looking for some relief from their pain and suffering, which is code for 'children.'

People, how many times do I have to tell you:  Sex leads to relatives.  And I don't think anyone wants that.

However, since it's too late for these women, I'm going to post their questions here, and I'll answer them on Wednesday.

The first comes from Beka, who gets bonus points for referencing another post of mine, because, as we already know, "Ridiculously Stuck Up Friday" has been a popular feature of this blog from the very beginning:

"Remember the "Dream Killer" post?! Could you now help me explain to my 15 year old son why he cannot climb Mt. Everest for his senior project? Never mind the obvious facts: funding, experience, mission (see funding), college (see funding), death, blah, blah, blah. None of that works. I've tried.

"Hope you can help!! Thanks."

She's talking, of course, about my post "The Dream Squasher," but we'll forgive her for missing a word or two because she's clearly under duress, what with her kid interviewing Sherpas and all.  I find it interesting that this mountain climbing son of hers is the same age as my son, whose primary goal in life is to master every form of martial art so he can go all American Ninja on the guys in his gym class.

(I tried to say "David Carradine" in place of "American Ninja," but there was just no good way to spin that one.)

The second plea for help and, if necessary, hallucinogens, comes from Rebecca.  (memo to me: be nice to anyone whose name rhymes with 'Shmenecca' because they think you're wise.)

"I am so happy that spring break is over. Can you address how to break out of the mommy guilt cycle, O wise one?"

I assume Rebecca feels guilty that she's happy about the end of spring break.  So, yes.  I do believe I can help her with this one.  I just need to scrounge up a thesaurus and a prescription pad.

By the way, if you go to Rebecca's blog, you'll see that she has EIGHT children, no doubt leading you to holler "What the Las Vegas was she thinking??" at your computer monitor. 

Well, let me tell you, missy / mister.  Rebecca can have as many I-15 kids as she I-95 well wants.  We do not judge here on this blog.  That's what Kristina's blog is for.

So, there you go!  Some things to ponder for this week's installment of O-WOW.

I'd answer their questions now, but I tried to send a text to all my Powers cousins, so I'm off to buy glue.


Karen E. said...

So I-15 funny!

InkMom said...

All I can say is O-WOW. And not in an acronym kind of way. You are I-15 funny, DeNae Handy. Can you help me figure out how to get one of my twins to stop spending 20 minutes tightening his shoes so they're JUST RIGHT? I'm about to lose my I-95 mind. Oh, wait. I don't use that swear word. Make that my I-15 mind. At least summer is coming soon. You can't tighten flip flops, right?

Kristina P. said...

Can I still judge in the comments?

Also, with your comment about sex leading to relatives, can you define exactly what "sex" is? I've had some interesting discussions lately, with the delinquents I work with, about what constitutes The Sex. Some of them I let them believe and then laugh at them, because I know no babies will come from that.

Dixie Mom said...

I lost you at 'Wow!'
But I won't judge you.

Melanie Jacobson said...

Sex leads to relatives.

I have some ancestors I am really angry with now. But like, ones in my indirect line.

Beka said...

Well, my prayers are answered! Yay! I can't wait for Wednesday!

You're just the best. I mean it.

Caroline said...

I'm a professional dream squasher. And people that tell their kids they "can be anything they want to be" are clearly inferior mothers. Clearly. I have 4 kids and they haven't killed anyone yet, so I'm an expert at this.

Becca said...

Hey, I'm a Rebecca derivative, too. Will you answer my question? How do I make the Skunk climb out of the nest long enough to eat the (well researched) food I've left in the skunk-trap WHEN IT SNOWED FIVE INCHES LAST NIGHT?

Stupid skunk knows when to cut her losses and stay inside.

Piana Mama said...

DeNae, I have decided that you are the popular, high school, cheerleading type of the blogging world that everyone wants to be like. You know, those girls that always had every hair in place and perfectly tanned skin on their skinny little legs? Well, that's you in the blogging world. Every word and sentence is always just the right amount of wit and sarcasm. Just like I never knew how they did it, I don't know how you do it and I so want to be in the "in" crowd too!

AS Amber said...

"Sex leads to relatives". Best sentence, ever. Seriously, ever and ever.

This one goes into my "top ten all time favorite posts". I had to change it from top five because you just keep out-doing yourself!

Love you!