Monday, April 4, 2011

A Little This, A Little That, and Mermaid Anatomy

Kids Say the Darnedest things:

All you mommy bloggers with all your cute little stories about your cute little toddlers saying such cute little things, on behalf of the Mom (minus the 'my') bloggers whose kids are beyond potty training (and a big ol' fist bump to the entire Pantheon of Porcelain Gods for that), allow me to say, "Yes. We get it. They're adorable."

But it's not like they outgrow it. Cuz they don't.  At all. 

This is my son, David, and his cute new wife, Karyn. 
(He keeps the ugly old one chained to the water heater in the basement.  It's better that way.  It really is.)

Last week, two of my kids sent me text messages with the tag line "FML."  If you don't know what 'FML' stands for, let's just say Dora isn't going to be hollering it at Swiper any time soon.

Now, we've had numerous lively discussions over here about the use of b-level swears, but anyone who knows me will tell you I pretty much have the vocabulary of an elderly nun.

So when FML showed up in my text box from my two oldest children I sent the following message to all of them, including Karyn, who I'm sure was super-excited to be receiving counsel from her mother-in-law:
  • "To all my darling children: This week alone two of you have ended a text with the initials FML. We all know what that means.  There is no PG substitute for it.  Please remove this tag from your messages and from your minds.  This one?  Never gonna be OK.  LY, Mom."
There.  That shoulda been the end of it.  Right?


David is nearly 24.  His reason for texting me in the first place was to tell me that one of his new Home Teaching comps used to date Karyn.  I'm thinking that there was no reason for the naughty tag line, particularly since I'm pretty sure he's the one who got the girl.  TOTAL Alpha in that relationship.

Anyway, here is what my History major kid texted back:
  • "Mom, it stands for Foreign Minister of Lybia, who I accurately predicted would resign his post and defect to the United Kingdom.  I'm certain he did that so the West could install him as President as soon as Gaddafi has been removed."
Wasn't that just so unbelievably precious?  Bet your toddler hasn't said that in a while.  Ha!

Kids Do the Sweetest Things

This is Vanessa. She doesn't have anyone chained to the water heater yet. 
So, hey boys, give her a call!

This weekend, Vanessa drove from Rexburg to Salt Lake to spend time with her 80-year old grandparents.  She does things like that.  Her grandma taught her how to make bread (so now Ness can teach me)...

...and she built a 6 foot snowman with her grandpa...

No punchline.  I just thought that was incredibly sweet.

Kids Do the Creepiest Things

While I was at BBC in San Diego, my family was out entertaining themselves on the beach.  I received the following text from Cori:
  • "Did I bury Jake and give him mermaid boobs?"

"Yes.  Yes I did."

I have no idea what Jake is trying to do with his tongue in this picture. I only know he's grounded til his 37th birthday for doing it.

Grownups Do the Trickiest Things

On Saturday morning, Kazzy introduced me to the miracle that is Twitterfall.  We were all in our homes, watching a broadcast of a worldwide conference for our church, and I decided to tune into the Tweets that were being, you know, tweeted about it. 

Yeah, I'm uber-techie like that.

So I read all the Tweets as they Twitter-fell, certain that I was getting an entirely new understanding of what was being said by the conference speakers.

My daughter slept through the broadcast, however, and asked to watch it later. 

(We had foresightfully programmed the DVR to record it, on accounta I hadn't exactly planned on being awake for that first session myself, and wouldn't have been if my husband hadn't made it all the way to the airport before noticing he'd forgotten his wallet, which meant I was zipping to McCarran International instead of finishing my traditional 12 hours per night of weekend sleep.  Oh, and parents of small children who wake up every three hours?  Neener, neener.)

So we watched the session again, and you would NOT believe what happened!  Every one of those speakers had changed their talks on our DVR!  I didn't remember them saying any of that stuff the first time around, which was weird because I was paying such close attention to all those Tweets.

I don't know what to think about this, so for now I'm filing it under 'Mysteries of the Universe' and getting on with my life.

Social Media Shout Outs: Part One

I did the FUNNEST thing on Friday.  My pal - author, social media guru and all-around swell gal Lela Davidson interviewed me via Skype.  My stupid WiFi was acting up, but I think we still managed to get some good stuff in there.  I'll let you know when the Lela & DeNae show debuts. 

Watch out, Ellen.  This is gonna be big, big, BIG.

Social Media Shout Outs: Part Two

We Mormons got a Social Media Thumbs Up from one of our leaders, whose words on the subject I intend to cut out of vinyl letters and glue on a decorative plank which I will then hang over my computer.  Because it turns out, I'm both obedient and crafty.  Wait.  That doesn't sound like me at all...

Social Media Shout Outs: Part Three

My view of Seattle, back in the day.  Sigh.

Word on the street is there are still a few tickets left to the SITS Bloggy Boot Camp in Seattle.  I'm going to be there, doing my thing.  Come out and play, all you Nor'westers!  It will be a huge homecoming for me, and I can't wait.

Get there early enough, and we can hit the beach first.  Exactly how big did you want those mermaid boobs, anyway?


Scooby and Jon said...

bwa ha ha. Mermaid boobs. and also foreign minister of libya.
I can hardly wait to see what my twins say when they got all cute and old...

Kristina P. said...

I loved Elder Uctdorf's shout out to social media.

I also think he mentioned mermaid boobs.

Jules from A Little Bite of Life said...

I don't think I have read anyone as funny since Erma Bombeck, and unlike those young whipper snappers with toddlers, I KNOW you know who she is! FWIW, I really do not know what FML stands for, and I thought I knew all of them!

Short little bit of trivia for you...I grew up in Palmyra, NY!

Becca said...

You know that feeling, when you read a blog post, and you feel all cuddly and snorty inside, and you wish the writer would move into your living room with all her adorable unmarried offspring and her secret agent husband, and just be in your life all the time?

I feel like that. Always.

Hel said...

Yep... still need to google FML. I have a feeling my husband may like it if I use it in every day conversation.

Kazzy said...

Wow, I actually taught you something! Cool!

It was a great weekend filled with terrific reminders about what really matters. I loved it!

Have fun in Seattle. Sigh. Jealous.

And I can't wait to see your skype debut.


AS Amber said...

Hey I need to learn how to Skype for when our darling Annie moves across the pond!

Your kids are naughty. I love that you sent that text to Karyn. Haha that's awesome.

And I get it. You're sick of hearing about how darling and UN-potty trained Harley is. Point taken. Ha! But guess what? He sleeps 12 hours a night so no neeners here!!

I wish I could go to Seattle with you. You're going to have so much fun!!

Cori :) said...

Those shoes in that PTA book picture...are so...freaking...CUTE!!! omg fml lmfao milf etc


Garden of Egan said...

I have NO idea what FML is. I think in my world it's Family Medical Leave or something like that.

I didn't watch Conference. (gasp) I worked in the ER all weekend. The only thing I learned from the weekend is that you can't cure stupid.
I intend on watching it on the internet this week instead of going to church. Do you think that is ok? I really feel that I deserve some pajama time.

I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for you to post the craft project.

Mermaid boobs? Your kids are really talented. It warms my heart to see that you've raised them so well.

Vanessa totally rocks. It's nice that there is someone in the family that will be able to pass down grandma's bread making secrets.

Rebecca said...

DeNae, sometimes I despair because I will never, ever, be as funny as you.

Then I think about the burden you carry of sharing your gift with the world, and realize I couldn't hack the pressure of knowing I needed to write books that will entertain the masses until my fingers fall off.

(Subtle hint, no?)

So, when's the first book coming out? I will buy it, then take it on vacation to the beach where I will craft mermaid boobs in your family's honor and read until the sun sets.

Alison Moore Smith said...

Wanted to let you know that there is a write up of your blog winning runner-up for best blogger here:


seashmore said...

Is David's middle name Rochester, by any chance?

You're almost as tech-savvy as those General Authorities, what with your texting your kids that you know what you-know-what stands for.

I bet if Jacob and Cori had gone to visit the grandparental units, that snowman would have snowmaid boobs.

Lisa Loo said...

I am in the no clue as to what FML means category. I HATE it when that happens.
Does it mean Fiiiiiine Mama Legs maybe--you know, like your kids are giving you a compliment??

Mermaid boobs--bwahahahahA...

Melanie said...

Googled it, that is dirty! How on earth could your adoring children think their lives were FML??
Who knows, my 4 year old (potty trained and all) said we should get a puppy instead of a new baby, kids. . .

Debbie said...

An elderly nun, huh? Let me just say as a Catholic, that acting like an elderly nun could be quite interesting. They just wear those habits to distract you from all their bad habits.

Patty Ann said...

Totally love this post, I am still laughing. My boys have done similar things to the mermaid boobs. They too were grounded forever!! I still don't know any of the texting acronyms. I figure what I don't know won't hurt me.

InkMom said...

My children are pre-grounded from cell phones for time and all eternity. What?!? I did just fine without one when I was their age.

annie valentine said...

Only you can combine church and state, manage to inspire and offend (the mermaid boob picture? Classic DeNae) without batting an eye, and still have people coming back for more.

And I was thinking how lame I am for not tweeting, then when I read the last bit of that, I felt super righteous.

Kristy said...

Thank goodness I know what FML stands for now. I've always wondered.

T said...

crap... I still don't know what FML stands for... none of my kids have phones (but yes, they are all WAY past the potty-training stage)

I gave ManOfTheHouse a quick "see, even the apostles want me to blog" look during that talk... too bad he was pointedly ignoring me about then...

Cheeseboy said...

I bet Elder Uctdorf has a secret blog on aviation that no one knows is his.

I had to google FML. I KINDA knew what the F was going to stand for. People think they can be so tricky around their moms, but they don't realize moms know how to Google now.

wendy said...

Oh DeNae......that was a lot of fun stuff (and since I have never texted iin my whole life, I have no idea what FML means....I kept waiting for you to tell me.)
you just make me smile.

I wonder if it is time for me to untie my husband from the water heater yet.

AS Amber said...

Bahahahaha!!! Cori's such a BRAT!!! Oh man, I love that girl.

Josh Hoyt said...

My wife recommended your blog (on first appraisal I don't know... mermaid boobs and all, lol). Look forward to reading your posts.