Saturday, April 16, 2011

For Sale: One Soul

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that ten years ago I self-published my first collection of essays, "The Accidental Gringo."

This is an actual composite photograph of 97% of the gringos I knew in Puerto Rico. 

And in a rare moment of self-confidence, I took a copy over to Borders at Plaza las Americas, this breathtaking mall in San Juan that had the two qualities I value most in retail merchandising:  Air conditioning and a thousand shoe stores.

By "took a copy" I mean "put my book and a note to the store manager in a manila envelope, dropped it off at the cash register, and bolted from the place before anyone accused me of shameless self-promotion."

And wouldn't you know it?  The Borders people loved it, and sent an emissary to Hot Tamale Heels with a distribution contract for me to sign.

The thing is, I really, really hate promoting things I'm doing.  I wish I could just, you know, do those things, and then have people drop by and say, "Hey!  I had a feeling someone in this house was doing things!  And whoa!  Is that stuff?  Are you doing stuff, too?  Incredible!!" 

If I were being psychological about it, I'd say it's because I'm an oldest child.  You know how it is:  That oldest child is the one you give all that praise to for doing.  "She's such a good helper."  "He's getting straight A's."  "She launched her first Fortune 500 corporation in the womb."  And so forth.

This is opposed to the youngest child, who gets praised for being.  Everyone tells them, "Oh, you're so cute!" and "Oh, you're cancer-free!" and crap like that, like being cute and cancer-free gets you into Harvard Law.  ("What?  Like it's hard?") 

Before you lynch me, you should know that my youngest sister is, in fact, both cute and cancer-free.  And everyone is all "Wow, that's just so darn adorable!" about the whole thing.  Really.  It's ridiculous.

Anyway, I tell you this because I want to let you know about some stuff, and I just want you to understand I'm not reveling in the whole, "Hey, look at me!" aspect of it.  But these things are meant to be beneficial to YOU, and that's why I'm doing this.

First, I've started a newsletter.  It's so I can tell you about opportunities that come my way that you might want to be a part of.  Or so we can get to know some of you awesome people who follow this blog.  You know.  Stuff.

The newsletter will be published on the very rigid schedule of "whenever I remember," so think of it as winning the newsletter lottery every few weeks.  I know!  You're welcome!  Anyway, go sign up where it says, "Sign up for our newsletter."  I don't know why it says "our" newsletter.  Maybe I'm Queen Victoria.

That brings me to the second thing:  I've had a kind of unusual opportunity presented to me, and I want to tell you all about it because it's open to anyone. 

It's for bloggers who are interested in 'monetizing,' which means 'using their blogs to make money.' 

I never have monetized, but I know a lot of bloggers who got into this biz for the express purpose of making some extra money.  With the economy swirling down the plomería, more and more folks are looking for these kinds of opportunities.

So, if this is you, drop me an e-mail at and I'll give you more details.

And I want you to know, if I didn't think you could really make a go of it and be happy you did this, I wouldn't be telling you about it. 

We'd just get back to important issues like mermaid boobs and why it's a good idea to take a change of underwear to a CT scan.

See you in the funny papers - make that newsletter.


Kristina P. said...

Wow, isn't this a PG-13ish blog? I can't believe you would post a picture of your slutty tank-top wearing sister! Next thing you know she'll be wearing a pap smear skirt.

And look at you go! I love your book! It's no wonder Borders loves it. We both have excellent taste.

Cori :) said...

Mom, words cannot describe how much I love you for quoting Legally Blonde. You're, like, my favorite mom. N stuff. Leetle hog, beeg kees.

Josh Hoyt said...

Great fun. I really liked the newsletter thanks for putting my face in it :) I look forward to seeing your newsletter whenever you get around to it. Thanks for the good information and support.

AS Amber said...

Oh my heck, KP!!! She KILLS me!! I love that picture of us. We're so cute and TAN!

I love the Legally Blonde reference, too! So funny. This post made me laugh a ton of times. The whole "and whoa, is that stuff? Are you doing stuff, too?" Ha ha ha!!

I know I already said it but, it is not easy being this adorable! I could do cancer standing on my head, but this adorable thing is tough!

I'm excited for the newsletter! I keep forgetting about your other blog. I gotta sign up to get it in my email. I love the write words, thing!

Dixie Mom said...

Promote go girl.

Kazzy said...

I wish you all the best with your biz. You are meant to do this stuff...

Garden of Egan said...

You really are the most famous person in the world!

I can't believe that you just dropped and ran though. You should have stayed and signed books!

TisforTonya said...

that book is funny! I thoroughly enjoyed it even though I've never been to Puerto Rico :)

and if YOU are monetizing, maybe just maybe it's not a complete sell-out thing to do? (ManOfTheHouse would love if I ever made more than $6.34 per month)

Becca said...

You (and Cori) have to hurry up and watch the Legally Blonde musical on Google Video. It's being taken down next week. It is a constant source of delight to me and my kids. Please? Try it?
("What is that smell?"
"Subtext, by Calvin Klein.")
(Also, "This is the kind of girl Warner wants. Someone smart. Someone lawyerly. Someone who wears black when nobody's dead!")
(Okay, one more: "The East coast is foreign. There's no film studios. It's cold and dark, no valet parking, all the girls have different noses. Cripes, Button, it's like the damned froniter! Tell me, what's out theer that you can't get right here?")

That Girl said...

That is the best non-self-promotion self-promotion I've ever read.

You are vastly talented.

And awesome. And attractive!