It's a mission of honor, loyalty, and petty vengeance.
I'm confident I can count on you, my honorable, loyal, ... um ... did I say honorable already? ... readers to aid me in my quest. Like a whole buncha Sancho Panzas, riding your little computer donkeys in my wake as I slay a dragon wearing a bedpan on my head.
If you didn't understand that simile, you may either rent "Man of La Mancha" or congratulate yourself for having a life.
Here's the story: We have these awesome friends, Ken and Katie Craig. I've blogged about them multiple times, most recently here, wherein I very lovingly bash Katie's refusal to humiliate her children in public, a parenting choice I find highly questionable. Oh, and they don't eat any sugar for the entire month of January.
I know, right? Who ARE these monsters??
So, for the last, like, 63 years at least, I've been telling Ken that he needs to open up comments on his blog. Every chance I get, it's "Hi, Ken, how are the kids, humiliated any of them in public lately, when are you going to open comments on your blog?"
I even practice saying that in the mirror, in case I happen to run into Ken somewhere like a funeral or a nuclear accident, you know, places where there's loads of opportunity for small talk.
[ Hey, Ken, remember that one funeral where you were conducting on accounta you'd been a bishop for nine minutes, and that lady fainted while she was giving her talk and you had to scoop her up and sorta drag her to a seat? And I just sat there at the organ, able-bodied and only five feet away from you, and I didn't move a lick, not even to pick up her feet or hold the seat open for you or dash to the mic and distract the congregation with my always popular "Haikus on Old Testament Prophets" or anything? Well, until yesterday, I felt kinda bad about that. ]
Let's talk about yesterday.
Yesterday, I casually clicked over to Ken's blog, and guess what I found? Ken had opened up his comments! Huzzah!
What's more, he dedicated an entire post to the one person who had inspired him to take such a bold step, to reach beyond the walls of privacy and anonymity he had constructed around his blog, to embrace - nay, totally make out with! - the community of adoring fans just itching to tell him what a brilliant writer and humorist he is; that individual voice in the sea of thousands that had offered so much encouragement, so much support, so much enthusiasm for his talent ...
... some dude named Pete.
Pete, who evidently has the unique distinction of being over 40 and wearing braces. Hel-LO?? I got braces when I was 40! Think that was a coincidence, Ken? Think ol' Pete just happened to wait until he was my age before he sought out a qualified orthodontist?? Think it's an accident that the word "Pete" rhymes with "Usurper?"
Do NOT make me laugh.
So, as my mother and her mother before used to say, this has totally frosted my gizzard.
Which brings me to your mission, my dear Sanch-ettes. I want you all to go over to Ken's blog, and leave a comment on his post titled "End of a Web Site" or something like that. And this is the comment* I want you to leave:
- Hi, Ken! I just popped over here from DeNae's place. You're a funny guy! I really like your blog! I may even sign up to be a follower! Oh, and by the way, if you love Pete so much why don't you marry him??
But that'll show him, huh? Hee hee! He'll have so many followers and commenters people will start calling him "Comment-Bob Follower-Pants!" In public! To his face!
And you know what? I hope his kids are with him when they do.
*You don't need to go pester Ken about Pete any more. We've worked it all out. He promised to give credit where credit is due, and I promised to stop paint-balling his house. Oh, and Pete promised to not know anything about any of this, which I thought was very generous of him.