Thursday, January 27, 2011

Well, It's Not!

Hello my darling dear ones!  Kristina tells me I've been MIA in blogland, Facebookburg, & e-mailville.  BUT she also mentioned that she, as a winner of my highly competitive giveaway of aught-10, received her copy of "The Accidental Gringo," which, along with the complete works of William Shakespeare and the Twhy-oh-whylight series, now completes her library.  I hope all you other winners - and I use the term for the sheer hilarity of it - received your books, too!  Especially you, cute Shari, who received a copy of Jana Parkin's book "What Think Ye of Christmas" the week of January 24, the way god intended.  Around here, we celebrate the "31 Days of Procrastination".  It's a rather stupid holiday, now that I think about it.  The song takes, like, for EVER to sing.

Anyway, I've been busy writing my novel (so far, every single person in the town as well as a cat, a goat, and a taxidermied buffalo have been floated as the possible murderers.  It's probably time to settle on one.  At least one species.) and as such I've been rather occupied.

Add to that my new-found fitness and overall Latin sex appeal - that's right, boys and girls, there's a new Zumba queen in town - and well, you can see how I just haven't had the time for blogging.

And, to be honest, I've had a hard few weeks.  January sucks.  I don't care where you live or what you do, it's the crappiest month of the year.  We had a beautiful little reprieve over MLK weekend, when my cute mom came to visit and it was an astonishing 75 degrees in Vegas.  But by and large, I won't cry any big tears to see February round the corner, especially since Day One of that month is my baby sister's birthday.  But here are a few little notes I'd like to pass along to some of the folks who have crossed my path since the holidays.  They're just little reminders that sometimes you think one thing, and it's really something else.
  1. To my neighbor who thinks it's better to leave his dog barking outside all night long to 'teach him how to get used to it' - it's not.
  2. To the lady who thinks that giving my 18 year old daughter a hug after rear-ending her at a busy intersection is the same thing as making sure she's all right, calling the police, filing a report, exchanging insurance information, and generally being the GROWNUP in the situation - it's not.
  3. To all the 20-something nurses, secretaries, receptionists, etc., who think that calling me by my first name instead of Mrs. So and So is a gesture of courteous familiarity - it's not.
  4. To the blogger who, like so many of her arrogant contemporaries, claims that the true definition of a "feminist" is "a woman who chooses career, education, loathing of men, and abandonment of faith" - it's not.
  5. To my sister Jill, who keeps trying to convince me that low-fat cheese is as good as the real stuff - it's not.
  6. To the voice in my head that says it's all right to eat the real cheese anyway and still expect to be as hot as Jill - it's not.
  7. To my son's teacher, who believes that looking at the homework while it sits on the kid's desk, and ascertaining that there are indeed numbers and letters all over the page, and then asking, "Did anyone have any problems they'd like to review?" is the same thing as actually CHECKING their homework - it's not.
  8. To the very well-meaning instructors in church who keep suggesting that "service" is just "babysitting kids and taking meals to families" - it's not.
  9. To the creep in my son's gym class who thinks it's a riot to tease him about his 'man boobs' to the degree he's developing the kinds of body issues usually reserved for super-models and professional athletes - it's not.
  10. And to anyone still reading this who thinks that my little tirade is evidence that I'm not getting enough sleep...
  11. ...that perhaps I have too many irons in the fire...
  12. ...that I'm a teensy bit overwhelmed by one college kid who is 700 miles away and clinically depressed...
  13. ...and another college kid who is 500 miles away and planning a wedding and a future while we advise by text message... 
  14. ...and another college kid who is also a high school kid who is applying to colleges while worshipping at the Altar of Missed Deadlines...
  15. ...and a high school kid who reeeeally needs his algebra teacher to check his damned homework once in a while... 
  16. ...and running a non-profit foundation...
  17. ...and teaching 30 private students... 
  18. ...and working on three different essay projects...
  19. ...as well as a novel wherein livestock apparently have opposable thumbs and itchy trigger fingers... 
  20. ...and running our ward's youth speech festival...
  21. ...and prepping for at least four conferences of various ilks - about which I'm very excited but to which I always want to bring my A-game...
  22. ...and letters from the seminary teacher warning that if my kid doesn't start showing up on time he'll flunk...
  23. ...and the fact that we're up until midnight every night (see "Algebra" and "homework" and "damned" above) so the seminary teacher is probably right...
  24. ...well, you know what...?
  25. ...it is.
But not for long.  Give me the weekend to catch up on a few essentials - like sleep - and I promise I'll be back to my cheerful, snarky self come Monday.

31 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Man, it sounds like you think you're busy or something!! :)

And what you're saying is that I should stop making fun of my clients man boobs? Weird.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I love your #4. Maybe that's what rubbed me wrong about the whole deal.

As for #10-25, oh my! I refer you back to your favorite conference talks (Uctdorf & Eyring if I remember right) and suggest you scratch off half that list. It will still be there later when you have time for it (and if it's still important). You are, indeed, very super DeNae, but no one expects you to be superhuman. And a note to all of us who think it's possible to take care of ourselves, our children, and the rest of the whole freakin' world and survive ... it's not. And that's okay.

Hel said...

Isabel and I are just sitting around getting sick every other week, so put us to work. I can go give your college student some hugs and drugs, or I could write your novel for you. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'll see you in Feb when we've all dragged our sorry butts out of my horrible month (it used to be my favourite month... you know when it was in the middle of Summer and all).

Cheeseboy said...

Oh boy. I've really got to revisit how I check homework.

Also, whenever I hit 18 year old girls in busy intersections, I ALWAYS hug them. This generally makes things worse though.

No, you don't sound busy at all.

Welcome back

Brandy Rose said...

I woke my roommate laughing out loud at this.

seashmore said...

Hope none of those irons in the fire leave you with burns.

I vote for using the teacher's lackadaisical attitude to your advantage. I mean, if she's not checking, anyway, why lose sleep over it? And you need sleep way more than you need algebra.

I hope my (future) children are blessed enough to have a mother like you someday.

AS Amber said...

Man I hate teenage boys! Well, not yours. Just the ones in his gym class.

I'm so proud of you for still doing Zumba! And I'm soooooo with you on Jill's glue-sniffing non-fat cheese thoughts.

Thanks got the shout out about my birthday! Wish you could come to dinner tonight!! Can't wait to see you next week. And finally meet your future DIL!

Becca said...

*sigh*
all those - what did you call them - irons in the fire? That could help with several of your issues, I'm thinking. Just keep it hot, and, well, use your imagination on how to solve some of the "not" parts. But I don't recommend using a hot iron to solve the fake cheese dilemma. Besides, Rule #6 around here is that if God intended us to eat lowfat dairy products, He would have made cows squirt skim milk.

Brooke said...

Oh boy, DeNae. You better watch out. It has been my experience that whenever a woman accrues a list THIS extensive, with so many stressful, pertinant elements that there really is nothing that she can eliminate, one of two things are pretty much bound to happen:

#1 - She gets called to be R.S. president.

or

#2 - She gets pregnant.

Maybe both. (!)

Qait said...

This makes me wish we were real-life friends instead of me just being a cyberfan of your wonderful blog, because I feel for you! I want to help!
I'm so glad you have great friends around you; their humor and advice are perfect.
God bless you-- and smite the creepy gym boy and slacking algebra teacher!

T said...

Oi...

yep, that's all I can say after that...

hope I spelled it right :)

However... I do have to tell you that The Accidental Gringo arrived at our house yesterday afternoon and has been well received. Don't be offended that ManOfTheHouse is enjoying it in "his office" - the back of the toilet is where his favorite books and magazines often are to be found.

Annette Lyon said...

I wouldn't wish either of Brooke's scenarios on you.

#8: A- to the men.

Andrea said...

Can I bring you dinner? Maybe babysit?
I do find comfort in knowing that January stinks even for people that live in warm places, and it's not just me in this freezing snow infested land.
February can't come soon enough.

Karen Tapahe said...

I am suddenly overwhelmed with the need to send you chocolate to ease your pain (assuming you like chocolate, of course). You are speaking for so many of us out there. We had to deal with the new choir teacher who destroyed what was once the top choir in the state and decided that my son, who had been in choir for 3.5 years and had to drop it in order to take classes required for him to graduate on time, didn't earn the right to sing with the choir at graduation - so wrong!

Keep showing us how it's done, sista!

Melanie Jacobson said...

In the fine tradition of hundreds of years of Southern women who have gone before, I will fall back on the phrase my ancestors have used since time immemorial when they don't know what else to say:

Bless your heart.

And keep up the Zumba. It's gotta help with endorphins or something.

Becky said...

My naturopathic doctor friend says that cheese turns to the same chemical compound as morphine in our bodies, which is, A: why it's addicting and B: why it causes constipation. Perhaps you should just sprinkle some morphine on your cauliflower and call it good. I hear it's calorie-free.

Oh, and I totally waved in your general direction as I passed through Vegas last weekend. (Since I don't know what direction that is, I waved at all of them.) Feel the love.

Garden of Egan said...

OK, well, turn off the damn TV and quit watching the soaps!

Oh, your not.

Ya, it does sound like you are on a little bit of overload, but huge thanks to Kristina for making you feel guilt enough about ignoring.

Uh, on the college kid, can I help. Wedding, not so much.
Other, I have a good shoulder. Haven't heard from V by the way. Did she get interviewed?

Well, I say grab some fudge, a little diet coke, kick the seminary teacher and the instructor insisting on babysitting and meals and take the phone off the hook.
And for heck sake quit being so dang talented.

That Girl said...

Monday? I think you need at least a month of sleep to catch up with all that.

I wish I could totally babysit your son and bring you a meal.

InkMom said...

You said "snot". Like seventeen times. However, since I am neither 7 years old nor male, I will refrain from laughing here.

My friend, what you need is a vacation to some place with no connection to the outside world. Or also, you could just come to North Carolina when the dry Vegas heat has pretty much mummified you, so our melt-your-make-up humidity can turn your hair into a frizzy mess (even if it's not curly) and you can sweat out straight Diet Coke. It's true. I've seen it happen.

Just hang in there, okay?

JBSquared said...

Crazy story: I went to book club last night and one of the girls had a book she wanted to loan me - YOUR book! Turns out my friend Melanie was the one who won your giveaway (I had no idea!) Now I get to enjoy "The Accidental Gringo." Your cute inscription already had me laughing. Can't wait! :)

wendy said...

Well for any of us who just thought you were strutting around in your Zumba tights.........and taking excessive naps.......YOUR NOT.

wow, slow down already.,
I have a headache just reading all the things you are doing.

Got to see you baby sis, Kristina and Annie last night for the epic birthday dinner.

JoeinVegas said...

Just think, in ten years all this will be behind you, school years over and you can worry about grandkids!

Marianne said...

Oh DeNae. I FEEL your pain. So much of it!! It sounds like you've definitely got a lot of irons in the fire, and the emotional ones seem like they're getting pretty hot! I would offer sage and foolproof advice if I had any, but I don't, so just hang in there! You are doing a marvelous work, just keep putting one foot in front of the other (even if you have to take frequent naps).

M-Cat said...

Teenage boys are just as mean as teenage girls. I will gladly punch them in the babymaker for you. I pack a powerful punch these days - just give me names!

M-Cat said...

Teenage boys are just as mean as teenage girls. I will gladly punch them in the babymaker for you. I pack a powerful punch these days - just give me names!

Lara said...

Goodness, DeNae! I feel for you. But speaking of things that aren't okay...I don't think it's okay to be so insanely busy. I'm only about 3/4 as busy as you are and am just about ready to shoot myself in the head.

(hugs)

L.T. Elliot said...

Hey, those are 25 things more than I posted for almost a year. And yours is funny! (Except for the murderous rage I feel when I think of someone being unkind to your son, a whacko hitting your daughter with her lexus, and the checked-out-ought-to-be-a-CHECKER algebra teacher.) But a dose of murderous rage is good for the heart, right? Gets all the blood furiously pumping.

Kazzy said...

I think women in their luscious 40's (like us) have a lot of things to do to get this world spinning right! Sheesh, what is with everyone else?

Melanie said...

Thank you thank you thank you for my personalized book! I've already read it and passed it on an our last book club. No snark, I'm being serious:) It was very informative.

Barbaloot said...

I agree one hundred times over with that whole Mrs. so-and-so vs. your first name. I have friends that are annoyed when I tell them to refer to my parents by Brother and Sister, or if they so choose, Dr. and Mrs., but never Lynn and Margaret. Not cool.

Lisa Loo said...

Holy crazy life Batman! Sorry to have missed your blog lately---I let that old bipolar/depression dragon out of its cage but am getting it stuffed back in.