Wednesday, December 29, 2010

One M&M At a Time

This is my brand spankin' new husband and me, nearly 26 years ago. 
 I would like it noted that his arm fits snugly around my waist; you can even see fingers. 
This of course was before peanut butter M&Ms had been invented.

I mentioned recently that my oldest child is getting married in March. We love this boy. We love the girl he's marrying. 


But of course the real star of any wedding is, naturally, the mother of the groom.  You know perfectly well as you wend your way up the sidewalk softly illuminated by fake lanterns, past the 11-year old keeper-of-the-sign-in-book, through the Gauntlet of Gift-Nabbing Nephews, and finally into a hall which could not be more appropriately called "cultural" than it is tonight, on account of there actually being girls in fancy dresses and not a basketball or crab soccer game in sight, that the question on everyone's minds is, "Will the MOTG be so riveting, so eye-gripping, so jaw dropping in her visage that all other women - including the bride - will fold themselves into the accordion curtain separating the receiving line from the chapel, or will she not?"

I know I haven't attended a wedding in 30 years where that wasn't the third thing I looked for, after scoping out the chintziness of the refreshments and determining that my old boyfriend Ken wasn't in attendance.  That's the order:  Is Ken here?  Are they serving Costco mini-quiches?  How crushingly beautiful is the mother of the groom?

Thus, my family went out and took some pictures today, because it was that or go shopping for tires for Vanessa's Blazer, and really?  Was there any doubt?

As I perused the many shots, I concluded three things:
  • Vanessa's a fine photographress.  Yes. That's the way I'm going to spell it from now on.
  • I have fantastic legs.
  • For a Weeble, that is.
  • Brett's looking a bit concerned because he knows that between those heels, my bifocals,
    and the narrowness of the sidewalk,
    I'm just one totter away from tugging us both into a very chilly, very leafy pool.
    Okay, this one rings the bell on the coolness scale...
    ...and I admit.  We all look pretty damn hot in this one.
    We think Jacob is communing with cherubim in this shot.
    It's the only explanation for that beatific grin.
    And this one's not too bad if you don't bring your abacus along
    to count the chins on the MOTG
    But this one, which has so much potential, particularly if we were to decide to mount our horses and start robbing mail trains, would look much more like a Wanted Poster if that
    second bandito from the left
    didn't appear to be smuggling koalas under her blouse. 
    That whole koala thing really just has to go. 
    Which is why I've joined my family at the gym every day this week (and yes, I realize it's only Tuesday, so that's enough of your sass) in a full-scale assault on all those peanut butter M&Ms and that fudge and the other delicious atrocities which have been visited upon my person over the last many weeks.  My son David is attempting to either A) get me into top, hot tamale condition in time for his wedding in ten weeks or, B) kill me without leaving any visible marks.  He may look sweet and unassuming, but so do those cuddly little creatures on
    "Galaxy Quest" right before they bare their fangs and
    order that sick, crippled one to do 20 more minutes on the elliptical trainer.
    And then eat him.
    So if you can't find me here, check the "Zumba for Mental Patients" class at our local YMCA.  Since I'm pretty sure Mexican food helped get me into this mess,
    Salsa dancing can just help get me out of it.
    Oh, and speaking of finding me, I've bought my own domain called - wait for it, it's very creative - www.denaehandy.com  
    Click on the link et voila! it'll bring you...um...right back here. 
    I take careful notes at all these blog conferences I'm invited to speak at,
    cuz they all say the same thing: 
     If you don't own your own domain, you've probably got basic cable and iDumb phones and still think of lined paper and a pencil when you hear the word 'notepad',
    and seriously? that's just sad.
    Well I don't need your pity, people!  I don't!  I own my domain!  It's denae handy dot com!  Save your sympathetic looks and your prayers for my salvation
    and your offers to let me touch your Kindle.  I don't need them!
    I could, however, use a little support when I wrap up my first Zumba class next week.  I'm terribly concerned that poor little koala's gonna fall right out of my tank top.

30 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Rawr!! I love the scarf. It's like a Mormon boa. Kind of slutty, yet classy.

You look hot. Oh, and I am crashing the wedding. See you then!

Allyson & Jere said...

Well, aren't you the sass a frass in your scarf and your sexy boots. I like the pics, I think they're great.

I may or may not however have laughed right out loud at the "smuggling koalas" comment.

I feel your pain in the need to look hot in a short amount of time. I need to get back on my gym train RIGHT NOW before I head to Utah in April and see about a million people I haven't seen in a long time. Stupid weight, it blows!

Good luck with the workouts and especially that Zumba.

LA Adams said...

Great looking family and I love the photographer! I'll follow you where ever you write as I never stop laughing through anything you've written. Happy New Year!

Connie said...

Let us know how the koalas fare!

Good luck in being the hottest MOTG! You're not too far from that title right now! Throw in a little Zumba and watch out!

Hel said...

Hey, I don't know what your problem is. Koala's are cute, you are cute, your family is cute. It all matches. Forget Zumba and come and have some leftover Christmas with me. I am trying to find the extra 10 pounds that I lost before the holiday period.

Lara said...

I love these pictures! Koalas and all.

I want to try Zumba (I don't have koalas, but I do have a giganto-super-sized bagel under my shirt) but none of our gyms in my backwards town offer it. I have a DVD, but I don't know.

You will be the best MOTG ever. I'm sure of it. :)

MommyJ said...

Remind me, the next time we're having a private, intimate conversation to tell you about my wedding. It's a good story. And my mother in law? She's got a leading role.

I miss you madly. And I love all your pictures. I say, skip zumba and go to spin class. Nothing irritates koalas like spinning does, if you can handle the sore bum.

Annette Lyon said...

Love the pictures! (As others have said, koalas and all--LOL!)

One day, I will be brave enough to take a Zumba class.

Or probably not.

Kazzy said...

A few things:

Every time you pop up on my reader I get a little thrill, because i love ya.

Family photos before that first wedding are a real must!

You have a gorgeous family.

Your legs are smokin' in those boots.

Weddings make great deadlines for personal goals

Since the MOTG is all will ever be, I will use each of those deadlines to try and look decent.

OK, that was more that a few things. Sorry.

Warm New Year's wishes...

Kazzy said...

Oh, and ZUMBA is da bomb!

Becca said...

Love, love. love. Great family photos. Great everything. I'll take the koala when he emerges - I have kids over here just DYING for pets.

One Cluttered Brain said...

You look HAWT.
Definitely. And the captions are AWESOME. haha. I was chuckling all the way thru.
Congrats on the new daughter in law!

T said...

fine, I DO have an iDumb phone... my notepad is actually a legal pad... and my cable package is actually less than basic...

and shoot, maybe someday I'll take all of that wonderful advice from these conferences...

until then I'll just come and bask in your cool-booted, self-hosted awesomeness :)

T said...

oh, and Zumba... was invented by the devil himself. enjoy.

Melanie Jacobson said...

All right, DeNae, I'm not a superficial person, but I swear if you're good at Zumba, our friendship is on the line. You cannot be a talented writer, singer, pianist, composer, comedian, public speaker AND dancer. IT'S NOT FAIR.

Melanie Jacobson said...

P.S. MommyJ isn't a very good friend if she's telling you to do spin. That's just mean. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (in this case, my butt).

Cheeseboy said...

Holy crap. Just the mention of peanut butter M&Ms and I am craving them something fierce.

Those Costco mini-quiches are great too though. I think I could eat for four days on nothing but peanut butter M&M's and Costco quiche.

Damn hot indeed. Damn hot indeed.

DeNae said...

KP, my mom gave me that scarf for Christmas. I'll be sure to tell her the whole 'slutty' thing.

Everyone who mentioned Zumba, I can't wait to really dig in. My biggest fear is making everyone else feel bad about themselves in the glow of my awesome latin hip moves. Really. They're spectacular.

Jenny, when they make bicycle seats the size of church benches, I'll think about spinning. As it is, there is just too much "east/west" in my physique for the general "north/south"edness of stationary bike seats.

Mel, bad news. After my workout today, I popped in to a Zumba class being taught by my pal Kim, and it turns out 4 years in Puerto Rico really paid off. See "awesome latin hip moves" above. If I tell you I have the home decorating skills of bat guano, will that even things out enough that we can still be friends?

LA, welcome to the team! Link over to all these wacky commenters; you'll love their blogs, too.

T - I have the iDumb phone and everything else I mentioned. But I do own my blog domain. That has to say something.

Admit it, Abe: You just love me cuz I'm a Mormon who says "Damn hot."

MommyJ said...

Oh come on... spinning isn't that bad.

Okay. Fine. It IS that bad. But it works. And it doesn't make you look near as ridiculous as Zumba...

And really, the sore bum only lasts a week or so. In my spin class, they have these gel cushion things that seriously look like they belong on a church bench. You can strap them on to your seat if you so desire. The rest of the class might laugh at you a little bit though...

Not convincing? No? Not even a little bit?

Well fine then. You and your latin hips can go do what you please.

(word verification: buttpi. Ha. Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha!!!)

MommyJ said...

Oh sheesh... has Annette been here yet? onto your seat. NOT ON TO. It's one word. onto. onto. onto. Though, when you type it this many times it really starts to look ridiculous. Maybe it just got back from zumba class.

Karen Peterson said...

Love the pictures. Those are so much fun.

And congrats on getting your own domain. That means you're, like, bona fide now. Or something.

wendy said...

I am still laughing over the whole Weebalo thing.
I didn't see one dang koala.
Just a hot MOTG........in boots that could kick anyones trash.

So fun to have a child getting married and all the photos I thought were great.

personally Zumba for me sucks.....I can't figure out the whole rythmn thing and pretty much fall flat on my face. I guess that could count for push ups...pulling myself back up again.
grrrrrrr

Patty Ann said...

Love it!! I am so with you on this one, and let me know how the Zumba thing goes. It looks kind of fun, in a crazy, sweaty way. I am back on my diet after this weekend, and sorry to see all the treats go to new homes.

Frosty said...

Love the scarf! Love the pics! I agree, you all do look hot!!

Good luck with the gym, especially Zumba. :)

Garden of Egan said...

You really do have hawt legs!
Great pictures. I'm sure your son would never think of doing such dastardly things to you.
Hot tamale for sure.
Are you taking oxygen with you to the gym? You might want to, just sayin'

And Kristina is right (as always) kinds skanky looking, boots and scarves. It's a great look for you.

InkMom said...

Or also you could just get cycling shorts (you have great legs, right?) that have a seat built in. Of course, then you look like you're walking with a diaper between your legs. Because you are. I got a fancy new heartrate monitor/GPS thingy that counts my calories for me and today during spin class I burned 800. That's a lot of fudge, my friend. Who cares if you need to athletic-tape your girl parts in place? It's all in the name of vanity!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

hey I think you need to change your profile description, because gosh darn it, you have mastered the art of uploading pictures. Way to go girl.

AS Amber said...

Oh my heck I LOVE those pictures! You're absolutely darling. You're going to be the cutest mother of the groom since...well since I got married!

I bet you're so good at Zumba. You've got mad dance skillz! (Sorry, Mel. It's true.)

I'm so excited for these two little kids! I still can't believe they're letting babies get married but...whatevs.

Again, LOVE LOVE LOVE the pix!!! And you and your darling family :)

Lisa Loo said...

I'm going to be completely unoriginal and agree with everyone else about how hotsy totsy you are in your boots and hanging koalas. Rocking it baby! Makes me almost want to come to Vegas just to watch......

L.T. Elliot said...

Those are KILLER pictures (and not just because you might topple hubby to his death in the leafy pond of doom). I think you look awesome, DeNae for all this talk of koala bears. I mean, wouldn't the leather spikes on those sexy boots have frightened them off? Seriously, you look BEAUTIFUL and your kids are pretty darn good lookin' too. ;)