Monday, December 20, 2010

Minutes Before Zero Hour


It's been a long time since we lived in Puerto Rico, but I'm pretty sure "Felicidades" means, "Go Fish". 


"Do you have this sweater in my mother's size, pleaseohplease say 'yes' because I have exactly one hour to buy it, wrap it, and stand in a post office line that extends halfway to Cuba in hopes of delivering it to her before Christmas?"


So much is happening here it borders on the criminal.  Criminally Jolly, that is!

(Oh, my. I've seriously had way too many festive cookies this week.  Criminally jolly indeed.  Please ignore that one.)

So, a quick update on just how cool it is to be DeNae:
  • Item one:  Our oldest son, David, has gone and found himself an eternal companion, and managed it all without ever stepping foot on a BYU campus.  We couldn't be prouder.  He and Karyn are getting married the first week in March at an LDS temple the name of which must remain undisclosed for security purposes.  All we can say is, it rhymes with "Croaker Fountain."  If you think you've guessed, please report to the nearest federal lockup for a good smacking.
  • Item two:  Isn't she cute?  And guess what?  She's a music geek, just like me!  Although evidently they're letting five-year olds into college now, because she is actually a student of people I was an undergrad with.  And I couldn't possibly be old enough to have friends that old.  So she's five.  Stands to reason.
  • Item three:  This of course means I have ten weeks to lose 478 pounds and learn how to do the splits.  Otherwise, my special Mother of the Groom Trapeze Extravaganza is just going to look stupid.
  • Item four:  I accidentally sang in the ward choir program last Sunday and played the organ.  No one was harmed, but nine people experienced light-headedness and vomiting, and one had a serious crisis of faith when a meteor didn't hurtle through the roof and fry me crispy before I could launch another assault on "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing." 
  • Item five:  What psycho nut job freak invents a keyboard instrument you have to play with your feet?  I was wearing my black hot-tamale-a-go-go boots, which, it turns out, can't read music.  So you see?  Totally not my fault.
  • THIS is the psycho nut job freak responsible for so much heartache in my ward.  It's J.S. Bach, 
    He also had eleventy billion kids, so he was grumpy a lot of the time. 
  • Item six:  My big kids are home for the holidays, which keeps a smile on my face and Valium in my purse.  Being around my daughter Vanessa is like living inside a calliope.  Music and laughter and occasional attempts to leap from a moving vehicle - all part of the package with that girl.
  • Item seven:  I haven't mailed any of the prizes from my giveaway yet.  And what's more, I'm not going to until after Christmas.  If you were a winner, try to look on the bright side.  A lot of people lost.
  • Item eight:  Kristina, I don't have your address, so I'm donating your prize to the David Hasselhoff Home for Ill-Treated Sharpeis.  Because no dog should have to tolerate this:
  • Item nine:  Ick.
  • Item ten:  I have written two annual Christmas letters this season, and neither was for my own personal family.  So for those of you who are hoping to hear about our ups and downs of 2010 via snail-mail, I have just one thing to say...
  • ...Felicidades!


Kristina P. said...

Oh, nothing but The Hoff wearing Sharpeis to make my day. I think that his next venture should be The Hoff wearing nothing by Sharpies.

And Amber was telling us all about David. He's such a cutie! Yay for getting married in such secret destination! Maybe the 3 Nephites can make an appearance at the reception.

Marry Christmas! (See how I did that?)

Jessica said...

The Hoff and dogs..yucky.

Congrats to you and your family. Let the wedding planning begin and the fudge eating end (so sad).

Kazzy said...

Great news about your son! As the mother of the groom all you will need to do is stand back and let the whirlwind happen. Oh, and you might need to pay many pesos for a luncheon.

My son's wedding was a good deadline for me to lean up, and I am still on the kick, having last 27 lbs now.

Your boots rocked the party, I am sure. And, to me, there are never too many singers in a ward choir.

Big holiday hugs. XO

Lisa Loo said...

I can't get past criminally me......

Congrats to those about to embark upon some wedded bliss and I thought those poor dogs were a snuggie at first....someone should report him to the humane society...

can I just say how much I have missed you??

Rebecca said...

Ick is right. I don't think I ever found him cute. Congrats on the wedding bells for your fun!

AS Amber said...

Not only are they letting five year olds go to college but apparently they're letting them marry my five year old nephew, too. How did this happen? For some reason I'm feeling older having him get married than when Dyllan got married!

Mom played the organ in church on Sunday, too. She was sooooo nervous but she did great. As, I'm sure, did you. I wish I could've heard you sing. I've missed your singing voice!

Please pack up your family and come HOME for Christmas. Please?????

Becca said...

Once upon a time, there was DeNae.
And life was good.
The end.

L.T. Elliot said...

There's so many bouts of hilarity in here that I can't choose just one to love best. Glad to hear about the happiness filling up your life (and jealous of the Valium).

Merry Christmas, DeNae! Love ya!

Melanie Jacobson said...

Hooray for good happenings and jolliness! Congratulations. (You're going to be a grandma soon. Please, oh, please do a post describing this future you!)

Karen Peterson said...

Video of that trapeze extravaganza better be the headlining presentation at the next Casual Bloggers Conference, is all I'm sayin.

Lara said...


And, Croaker Mountain is such a good name for that particular temple, since Sophia dove into the fountain and nearly croaked (had I not saved her) while we were at the open house.

But really, your DIL to be IS adorable! How very exciting for you! :)

Annette Lyon said...

Not stepping on BYU campus. A feat indeed.

Also, I think my eyeballs have been scarred for life after that Hoff picture.

Cheeseboy said...

The fact that she didn't come off the BYU campus is a big plus in my book. Congrats. Looks like a good couple.

I offered to sing a bunch of Neil Diamond Christmas songs at our Ward Christmas party and was denied. I'll recommend your services next year.

tammy said...

Item 5 - amen!! My feet and hands were not meant to work together that way. It's one or the other baby.

Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

Kimberly said...

Accidentally sang? crack me up, chick.

Okay, so get this. I purposely never learned to play organ because I didn't want to play in sacrament meeting (I USED to be shy, you see). So where do we move? To a congregation without an organ.

Guess what my first calling was?


charrette said...

Just stopped by to wish you a merry Christmas. Should have known I'd be laughing out loud too.

Love you!

Christine Macdonald said...

Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOODNESS! Congratulations and Happy EVERYTHING!

I love your new page -- and you always make me smile.




Qait said...

OH, GAG! Wow, that is tres nasty!

You're always so funny-- wish I could meet you in person! :)

(and yeah, that wasn't creepy at all, was it...)

Melanie said...

Double ick!
We'll be in Vegas next week, wanna drop off my "prize" at my friends? OR we can meet at a public place, casino, Walmart, whatever. Congrats on the whole mother of the groom thing, a word of advice, don't wear pantyhose during the splits number.

InkMom said...

DeNae, we have a little church up in these parts called Ochre Mtn Baptist (that's said like the vegetable used to make gumbo, for those of you uninitiated in the ways of southern pronunciation) and I am sure they will not balk at all when you show up to put on your Mormon wedding. The splits thing might not go over so well. But you can totally have the reception in my back yard and we will make sure that we get a real band and not some toothless bunch of bluegrass players. (Although it's my personal opinion that the toothless ones play better.)

Congratulations! Yay! And I'm with Melanie -- please, oh, please, talk about being a grandmother. I'm begging.

Already made four batches of fudge. Probably not done.

Merry Christmas, and good morning!