Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I See a Theme Emerging

I don't want to freak any of you out, but according to the calendar on my wall Christmas is in just over two weeks.  This is impossible of course, because the calendar in my head says it's October.  And it's not like I can get my bearings at the mall or Wal Mart, since they've had animatronic sales clerks robotting to "Grandma Got Run Over by her Oxygen Tank" since Labor Day.  (Honestly, if I ever turn to a life of crime, I'm starting with knocking over a Wal Mart, on accounta I'm pretty sure I could outrun those greeters, even carrying a flat screen television and three cases of Diet Coke.)

And now that "broke" is the new black, I'm actually having to re-prioritize things this year and - brace yourselves - focus more on my family.

I know!  When does the suffering end??

Ha.  I kid.   I love my family.  A, you know, lot.  Signed up for the extended warranty and everything.  But I've always felt that Christmas was a time to reflect on the important things, the things that are often overlooked in the busyness of the rest of the year - namely, how many batches of fudge can I make for 'others' and then spirit them away to the tub for personal consumption before my kids start asking why we're delivering empty paper plates to the neighbors.  ("They're not empty, children.  They're filled with Good Will Toward Men, and that can only be seen with the eyes of the heart.  Gotta scoot; bathwater's running.")

So now that I'm all family oriented and stuff, I wanted to share a couple of things with you.  First, I hijacked this video from Ken Craig's blog, although I think I've got it somewhere too.  The Craigs are great friends of ours, and Ken is an awesome blogger even though he never turns on his comments which I've told him means he's totally elitist and pretty darn nervy being all "I don't need that feedcrack addiction, DeNae" and stuff.  The Craigs are also one of those unusual families that almost never have to fake liking each other.  We're all pretty sure they smoke dope, but we're much too polite to tell them to their faces.

So, here's Ken and Katie and five of their kids (plus three rentals) at our Stake play three years ago.  That's a live fetus under Katie's apron; Katie delivered that baby onstage as the encore on closing night.  Really.  That totally happened.  Would I make something like that up?

Ha ha ho ho!  Isn't that a gas?  And she's telling the truth.  They're expecting kid number seven in April.

Now, here's why I mention the Craigs.  They are exceptions to the concern I've had for some time about the religious education of our children, particularly when it comes to Jesus and heaven and why "Groundhog Day Flip-Flops" has never been a very popular song but its Christmasy cousin is.  And it all came to a head when my mom sent me this video.  I haven't had a chance to talk with her since she e-mailed it, so I don't know if she was being ironic or she's mad at me or was just trying to induce vomiting before all that fudge went to my keister.  But I invite you to ask yourself:  How many misconceptions about baby Jesus and the mall and what passes for 'cherubic innocence' can there be in one video before someone fires all the Primary teachers in the whole wide world?

See what I mean?  And isn't that kid, like, eleven?  Who's been responsible for his spiritual upbringing, Lady Gaga?  Paris Hilton?  What exactly does he expect to do when he gets to that Manger in the Mall?  Climb inside?  Ask baby Jesus for a Wii?  Cryin' out loud. 

(And do NOT get me started on lyricists who think saying "for me" and "for me" is the same thing as rhyming.  Cuz it is just not.)

Anyway, that actually brings me to random link numero tres, and the point of this entire post.  I recently heard of this cool project sponsored by Liz Lemon Swindle called "A Return to the Family."  There's a link to her site on my sidebar, but the idea is that we need to make our families more of a priority.  And since we're no longer distracted by making house payments or going to work or buying groceries ("Thanks, Economy Claus!") we have more time to invest in things like eating dinner together and having meaningful, informationally accurate conversations about important subjects, starting with who ate all the fudge and why you have to wear shoes to get into heaven.

Anyway, pop on over there and see what else they're cooking up.  And speaking of cooking, I've got to get to work on those Peace on Earth cinnamon rolls for the neighbors. 

My tub is nearly full.


Kristina P. said...

That Line to See Jesus song is a joke, right? I spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out if it's supposed to be ironic or not. I do think it would be awesome to have mall Jesuses.

T said...

I have about 250 plates of Good Will Toward Men and I didn't even know it! turn off the oven!

and how have I missed out on Groundhog's Day Flip Flops? my life just isn't complete yet.

Hel said...

I can't believe ANYONE would send that song to ANYONE... I particularly enjoyed the Youtube comments underneath.

Somehow the religious nuts always manage to spoil the Christmassy feeling of finding baby Jesus.

I totally want to have more religious art in my house.... baby steps.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I love you DeNae! Have a great Christmas with your family. (And I throw up a little bit everytime I hear Christmas shoes on the Radio. I used to just dislike it, now I actually get rabid; I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person that means I am.)

seashmore said...

Steph: it's nice to know I'm not alone in turning Grinchy and Scroogy when it comes to Christmas music. One word: Priest.craft.

I like the idea of bathing in fudge. I've got a new holiday tradition!

Becca said...

My Christmas gets better and better when I show up around here.

"Groundhog Day Flip-Flops" is actually the revised title, but "Labor Day Thongs" was taken. You know. By Gaga.

Kazzy said...

I love your "wearing shoes to get into Heaven" reference. Man, that song is just so dad-gum manipulative.

Sometimes my soul cries out for cinnamon rolls, but it never really craves peace on earth.

Go figure!

Qait said...

Finally! Finally someone who feels the same about those poopy Christmas songs!
At first, I hadn't read ahead when I started watching that. And man, I was SO disappointed thinking "She likes this kind of music? Seriously? I was so convinced she had class...and intelligence."
Phewf, thank goodness.
(And the shoes song? My upstairs neighbors had it playing on repeat, and I very nearly broke through the ceiling with a hatchet and murderous intentions.)
(But they are nice people. So I didn't.)

wendy said...

YOU always make me giggle with the things you put on your blog.
I haven't baked, bought or taken ove a single Christmas goodie this year.
I'd kill for some fudge about now though

thanks DeNae for your very kind thoughts on my blog regarding the loss of my son. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that.
and your very dear sister Amber even came to the viewing.
talk about a little gift from heaven to see those girls there..for ME
THIS has been the most awful, soul emptying thing I have ever had to go through.
It makes me rethink everything.

Patty Ann said...

Love the post. You made all good points!

Mikki said...

HaHa! Your tub overfloweth!!!

I really like the Christmas shoes song (sorry),it makes me cry every time. But, yeah that new line to see Jesus one I'm not too crazy about. Maybe I should go listen to it some more, maybe it grows on you? On second thought....nah.

Molly Doe said...

Mmm...fudge. which reminds that I need to make toffee...for the neighbors, of course. I may even go really butter crazy and make fudge too.

Jenny said...

What kinda videos are you posting on here? My "safe-eyes" filter told me "the video you requested contains inappropriate content." Sheesh! I thought this was a family friendly site! :) Now on to disabling safe-eyes so I can have some fun!

AS Amber said...

Our poor, cute mom. I seriously had to turn down the volume on my phone as I watched that. Those words were making me have destructive thoughts about my little hand-held lifeline.

The other two videos were great though! How about our cute Motherboard? Look at her!

I think I'm gonna give out Plates o' Good Will this year, too. Since I can't keep the rice crispy treats out of my mouth.

Rebecca said...

Loved the comment about getting the extended warranty plan on the family! So funny! Thanks for the funny post!

charrette said...

You. Are. The. Queen.

(That is all.)

Plus-I love you!

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha ha! LOL! I am still laughing. I didn't think anything could beat that Christmas Shoes! But that song beats it hands down.

I hope you don't mind if I sing it for next year's video Christmas card.

annie valentine said...

First, you're a great writer, I don't know how I misse this. Second, when I asked the kids what I do for a living, they told me I clean and bake and go to "the market". They didn't mention the computer! I win!!! I'm not a bad mother!!!!!

ps - I'm publishing your quote on my marriage article in the paper this coming week. Thought you should know...(I was going to take credit for it, but I can't pull it off. Too smart.)

AS Amber said...

I'm back to tell you that Mon went to an art show on Friday that was featuring some of Liz Lemon's art. Ans she saw like four apostles. Cool huh? She said the art was beautiful and the people watching wasn't bad either!

AS Amber said...

Can you tell I'm on my phone? Yaaaaa...clearly I meant MOM and AND.

Kimberly said...

This is totally one of those don't know whether to laugh or cry moments.

I'm sure a dozen or so cinnamon buns would be GREAT damage control here...