But I digress.
The "Promises" I intend to keep include getting back to the regularly scheduled inanity you've come to love and, on occasion, fear from my blog. Heaven knows there isn't a soul on earth more dedicated to thoroughly wasting 10 minutes of your life every couple of days than I, but against all odds I've temporarily become a grownup who - don't panic - has begun considering the suffering of others, and has decided that it's just a bummer when your Avon lady and dear friend, also known as DeNae's Crazy Catholic Neighbor, is in a near-constant state of morosity and downcastedness. (Take that, dictionary-dot-com.)
The Matthew Blanchard Foundation is a foundation I have founded along with my new-found friend Gina, who first found me as a blogger and then found that we have a lot in common, including the desire to found a Foundation for this cute little boy whose immune system found it prefers attacking his heart to attacking the infection that founded itself in his heart.
So, to encourage you, my darling blog and real life friends, to visit our web site and learn more about this family, I'm doing something I vowed I would never, ever, ever, never do: I'm having a giveaway. Right here on my blog. I know! Who am I anyway??
The first thing I'm offering is this beautiful book illustrated by my even more beautiful friend, Jana Winters Parkin.
You know how sometimes people will say, "Oh, you should see so-and-so's art work, it's totally awesome and completely professional", and then you go over to their web site and everything looks like a chimpanzee got into the fingerpaints?
Well, whatever the opposite of that is, that's Jana Winters Parkin. I talked a bit more about this on another post, and I'll say it again: Jana is the real deal. A true artist. Her studio is astonishing, particularly to someone like me, who wouldn't even be allowed in the chimpanzee class. You want this book. And you can win one from me!
I am also giving away FIVE copies of the first book I ever wrote (if you don't count "The Adventures of Sea-Wee Sailor," which Stephanie Jones and I co-authored as 3rd graders at Robert Frost Elementary in honor of our teacher whose name - and again, I am one-hundred-percent not kidding - was Miss Seaman), namely "The Accidental Gringo: A Guide to Puerto Rico for the Hopelessly Culture Shocked Newcomer."
I wrote this in 2001 after speaking at several orientations for FBI agents and their families who had just landed in Puerto Rico and were baffled by the fact that although PR was a part of the United States, folks still insisted on speaking Spanish no matter how loudly the newly-arrived gringos hollered at them in English. Even if you don't intend to move to Puerto Rico, I have it on good authority that this early attempt at humor writing makes great bathroom reading.
Finally, I'm offering to do something new, and despite my Las Vegas address, it has almost nothing to do with poles.
I will write your family Christmas letter. Whoa, hey, steady out there. We don't want a stampede for heaven's sake.
I've had, over the years, a number of people ask me if they could join my family, because we're profoundly cool, or, in lieu of outright adoption, they've requested that I write their family Christmas letter for them. I've always said IX-NAY to both requests, for the obvious reason that I really didn't feel like it, but I was nonetheless flattered that they would entrust the half-truths, quarter-truths, and outright blasphemies that make up your standard family Christmas letter to my humble talents.
Here's one I did for my own family in 2005. It's abusively based on Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven." One year I used the plot for "Independence Day" as the family update, because we'd had an exceptionally dull year, even by our standards, and I really needed to spice things up for the relatives.
So two winners will just have to send whatever misinformation they'd like for their letter, and some idea of what setting they'd like (plagiarized poetry, plagiarized movie plots, plagiarized Christmas songs, etc.) and I'll write it for them.
NOW, here's how to enter. It's crazy easy:
- Pop over to the Matthew Blanchard Foundation web site and leave a comment. Even a word of encouragement for Matthew and his family will be very much appreciated. They need all the good mojo they can get.
- Let me know here at my place that you were there, and which giveaway prize you'd like to win.
- THAT'S ALL!
I'll do the drawing on Wednesday, November 24, and you'll have until Tuesday, November 30 to claim your prize.
A big, virtual hug and even bigger thanks to all you kooks who hang with me over here at my Backordered Life! We may have miles to go before we sleep - starting with the three-point-something that make up a 5K - but with you in the game, it'll be great every step of the way!