Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Is That Asking Too Much?

I don't know how it happened, but evidently I've caught Kristina's cold.  These internet viruses are getting a lot more aggressive; this one gave me a sinus infection fer cryin' out loud.  Thanks a lot, KP.  What's next?  A craving for birthday cake with David Hasselhoff's face on it?  Sheesh.

And on top of it, I seem to have caught a bad case of the grumps.  If there were an emoticon for pushing down everyone in the whole wide world and taking their lunch money and then kicking their puppy on the way out, I'd insert it here.  It would be a very scary emoticon.

I think part of the problem is it's mid-October and 90 degrees outside.  I know, I know.  "DeNae, what did you expect when you moved to Las Vegas 9 years ago?"  Hey, little voice in my head?  Zip it already.  I've had enough of your sass.

Besides, I'll tell you what I expected:  I expected the planet to rotate several degrees in whatever direction necessary to give Seattle's weather to Las Vegas.  I'm sorry, Seattle.  I realize this would probably give you Nome's weather, but I can't solve all your problems for you.  The good news would be that Santa could live in the Space Needle.  Couldn't you be happy with what you'd have, instead of what I'd now have and you wouldn't have any more? 

Honestly, there is no pleasing some people.

For that matter, I have an entire list of as yet unfulfilled expectations about which the universe, frankly, has some explaining to do.  (I would like full points for not writing that last sentence with the Ricky Ricardo punctuation.  People with the grumps don't do Ricky Ricardo punctuation.  Ever.)

For example...
  • I expect that when I have four chocolate chip cookies for breakfast with a diet pill chaser, I should be down ten pounds by lunchtime.  What is the matter with the pharmaceutical companies, anyway?  If we can put a man on the moon or a rabid ferret on Donald Trump's head, I honestly think we could get a diet pill that has a little more muscle than what is currently available by prescription.  I want a diet pill that chews through my clothes. And my husband totally agrees, especially about the clothes thing.  (Sorry, kids.  Probably shoulda warned you not to read mommy's blog today.  You too, bishop.) 
  • I expect to be able to drink three gallons of Diet Coke every day and still get a good night's sleep.  Hel-LO, Universe?  I finish that last DC a good hour before bed time.  So what's the holdup?  Beauty like this doesn't grow on trees you know; it requires nine hours of unconsciousness.  And don't tell me to take a sleeping pill.  I try to avoid putting artificial substances in my system.
  • I expect my dog to do the vacuuming.  Her fur, her responsibility.
  • I expect publishers to just divine that I have a best-seller simmering in my thumb drive, and start lining up on my porch with big baskets of cash and writing contracts.  What are you waiting for, guys?  A query letter?  A finished product?  A whaddyacallit, manuscript submission?  Who has time for that nonsense?  I'm baking cookies over here!  And I hate to harp on the obvious, but this blog isn't going to write itself, you know.  I believe a little re-think on the old priorities is in order, I really do.
  • I expect to be allowed to nap while teaching piano lessons.  Hey, that's what all you moms are doing.  I think my furniture came from the Martha Stewart Narcolepsy Collection; five seconds after a student's mother sits down and opens her paperback, she's out like a light and drooling on my leather couch.  It reveals a shameful lack of discipline if you ask me, but if they get to sleep through their own offspring's assaults on 'Malaguena', then so do I.
  • I expect the debit card reader to always say "Approved", even if my previous purchase was, say, Japan.  I've never heard a credible explanation of why my having new stuff leads to the debit card reader mouthing off to me, embarrassing me in front of the Albertson's cashier and leaving me no choice but to ground it and take away its cell phone.  Listen up, you smart aleck debit card reader:  When I say, "Yes, I'd like cash back", you'd better say, "No problem.  Will a million get you through the weekend?" or I swear, you won't have Facebook privileges for a month.
  • And finally, I expect that once I turn the calendar to October, I'll be able to dig out my cozy sweaters and suede boots, drive to the mall in 50 degree weather, see my breath as I head through the parking lot, and drag my newest acquisition home through a huge pile of fall leaves.  That's not asking too much.
Do you think India would look good over the couch?


Melanie said...

Those are some pretty reasonable expectations, I hear ya on the diet pill thing especially!

Christine Macdonald said...

"I expect that when I have four chocolate chip cookies for breakfast with a diet pill chaser, I should be down ten pounds by lunchtime."

I love your humor.

I feel for you honey. Been in bed sick since Saturday. I'm ready to be over it.

Kristina P. said...

I don't get it. Your expectations are completely reasonable. I expect to turn the calendar to November, and see you wearing a Sock Monkey onesie, with your come hither look.

Oh, and I've been in a grump mood too. Things are chaotic at work, and everyone is surprised! Oh, expect me, who brought this up as a concern 2 1/2 months ago.

Lisa Loo said...

Well, after reading your comments I guess I CNA'T WAIT for November.

Gorging on turkey AND DeNae in a "Sock Monkey onesie"--be still my heart.....

what was your post about again??

skipper said...

Amen. Can I add 3rd grade teachers who actually care about my child's success in spite of the 32 other wiggly little bodies in the room to your list of universe expectations?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee hee. It's always good to come back here. I haven't made my rounds in forever. This is all so stinkin' true. And reasonable requests of the universe. What does Jiminy Cricket say? When your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme?

I'm glad you have the grumps, frankly, but please don't kick MY puppy, okay. Kick someone else's puppy.

I loved the chew through your clothes reference. And you're right. That beauty doesn't grow on trees.

So how's it going? I'm plugging away at the ole' essays. I'm trying to get the whole 10,000 words to you by tomorrow when I go on a mini fall break vay cay. Does that sound reasonable. Am I overdue?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

BTW, I don't feel sorry for you about the 90. Seriously. I'd trade you any ole day.

Katherine said...

Completely reasonable. I'm pretty sure that this is exactly what my husband hears coming out of my mouth every day.

Kazzy said...

I think you are asking for things that any suburban dc-drinking, novel-writing, leaf-craving woman would want. I think you should get whatever you want.

ps I am going boot shopping with some girlfriends this week. What color do you like your suede?

MarieC said...

DeNae, I'm a Las Vegas native living in Seattle and would LOVE for it to not be so cold and dreary already. Maybe you and I could pool our weather and split it evenly? We'd both have about 70degrees every day! Sounds reasonable to me.

L.T. Elliot said...

I think I just want to copy and paste this post right onto my blog and then have someone else crochet it on on pillow for me. Seriously. I've got a case of the grumps right now, too. Maybe you and me should club a baby seal or something. ;)

Gina said...

Are you sure TOMORROW is a good day for me to come over to your house? Are you sure ANOTHER day wouldn't be better?
I'm a little scared!


Jillybean said...

My daughter's piano teacher almost fell asleep during her lesson last week.
I thought that if you ate enough chocolate chip cookies and drank enough Diet Coke, that not only would you lose ten punds by lunchtime, but the Grumps would go away. (at least until the DC wears off)

Melanie Jacobson said...

I was grumpy until I watched the mine rescues. Now I feel good. I think the miners coming to the surface temporarily cured my cold. It will probably come back when Grant pitches his first screaming fit tomorrow, but for right now, I'm all right.

Becca said...

Demand what you want. I mean it. The Universe is listening. (And laughing.)

AS Amber said...

Your dog is lazy! So is my 2 yr old. His dirty diaper, his responsibility.

Please pass your dirt pills. And your 90 degrees.

Actually it has been nice to wear a hoodie the last few days. I'm looking forward to warmer temps already though. Zion's! Yay!

And as Harley would say, "don't be drumpy!!!"

See ya in two days! Xo

AS Amber said...

Of course I meant to say dirt pills. What did you think I meant? Diet?? No, dirt pills. Please pass 'em.

Saimi said...

Hi DeNae! Sorry you're sick, man that's the pits!

I want to thank you for your comment on MMB about T or T on Sunday. We've always celebrated Halloween and even though my boys are all grown, I still love to decorate the house and have a big bowl of candy for the kids that come around.

I love how you tied in Christmas with your comment as well! Sometimes people have a tendency to over think things instead of keeping it simple and enjoying the moment.

Halloween has always been that for our family and my boys didn't grow up traumatized because we celebrated Halloween.

Anyway, I'm gonna have to follow you now because I like the way you think! Hope you feel better!

JoLynne Lyon said...

DaNae, I hope the sinuses get better. Cheer up, cold fall weather might make them worse. You always make me laugh, which is why I've nominated you for a blog award. Drop by my site to pick it up.

peewee said...

I'm SO with you on the heat. I wanted a pumpkin latte so badly yesterday that I drove around in my car to drink it with the AC blasting at 65. I wasn't even GOING anywhere. Just driving. Drinking my hot pumpkin drink.

All I need to do is go to michael's and pick up a cornucopia and some fake fall leaves for the dashboard and I'm all set. hey. actually I should just start charging $5 for fall rides around LA.

Mary Anne Gruen said...

LOL I can agree with most of your points. Especially the one about the dog vacuuming. We've got three. If they got together and did a little teamwork the whole job could be over before I finished writing this. What is it with those lazy dogs?

JoeinVegas said...

Some jobs belong to the diet pill, some to your husband

Cheeseboy said...

You should tech your dog to drink Diet Coke or at least to get if for you.

I enjoyed this post.

Garden of Egan said...

Honey, you don't need a pill for sleep.
I'll leave it to you to decide that you are a little grouchy.
I'm not gonna feel sorry for you and your heatwave....are you sure it isn't menopause? We were scraping ice off the windshield of the car this morning.
You are getting NO pity from me.

OH, I did the ...............thing cuz I know you love it so much and you are SO in the mood for it.

Mikki said...

Great list of expectations! I whole-heartedly agree with every single one of them, but most especially the debit card reader one. Oh, and I love the earth tilting on it's axis idea. I totally want to see my breath in the mornings.

Amber said...

Excellent laugh. I needed it!

wendy said...

I soooo agree and ditto everything you say.

I don't believe in the whole "trial and tribulation" thing.
I believe in "getting what I want when I want it"...makes more sense.
That way I won't be grumpy either.

and mother nature blows most of the time. We had snow this morning sista, I want some of you 90 degree weather.

Why can't we go into our computer and google how our day should be
-wake up at 9:00 to fresh strawberries and flowers in bed.
- followed by a vicarious work out by watching it on tv
- and come downstairs to see the good fairies were busy during the night doing what they should do, clean up the house
-and seriously
Is it too much to ask that the dog and the hubs don't trash the house with straw, horse poop, and turn my life into all things country

where's the rock and roll

Valinda said...

I moved to Vegas 11 years ago and I too expect those same things of October, including the Seattle weather, well actually Tacoma weather but usually they aren't that different.

Annette Lyon said...

Just as soon as you invent that emoticon, I'm totally using it.

charrette said...

Hahahaha! I'm putting you in charge of the universe first chance I get!

1. I actually read that 'splaining line with a Ricky Ricardo accent before I got to your part about not doing the Ricky Ricardo accent....hahaha.

2. Once I went on a chocolate chip cookie dough diet...and it actually worked! Of course, I was hugely postpartumly depressed at the time...but I still like to remind myself that it IS possible to lose weight while binging on cookie dough.

3. And I'm now somewhat mortified to tell you how many of my kids' piano lessons I've slept through...

But one GREAT thing about my life is that it's 60 degrees outside, total sweater weather right now. LOVE!

p.s. The word verification below looks like it WANTS to spell bellyache! Too perfect!

annie valentine said...

I actually enjoy reading every word you write. Please come up for a lunch date because I could use your humor and friendship today.