Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Just Checking In!

Goodness, how the time does fly!  I've been busy with my usual activities - writing, teaching, offending people just by being little old insensitive, unfiltered, who-the-heck-do-I-think-I-am me.  Honestly, I despair that I will never learn the art of simply keeping my trap shut.  Until I do, I probably ought to start a file of boilerplate apology notes:

Dear [insert name, title, rank, or family relationship here]

I am so sorry that I [said, did, thought, interpretive danced] what I [said, did, thought, interpretive danced]. 

I was clearly [insane, hormonal, tired, possessed by Michael Ballam, coming off a bad acid trip] and as such was not in full possession of [the facts, my faculties, enough cash to silence me]

However, that was no reason to [pull my hair, call the police, steal my dog, lob a grenade at my yard gnome], but I am willing to [overlook the incident, drop the lawsuit, call off the contract hit, put down my flamethrower] if you will [do the same, stop writing limericks that end in "and then pit bulls ate DeNae's face", pull your stretchy pants over your head while singing "Mandy"]

[Sincerely, affectionately, yours truly, I know you are but what am I]
DeNae

And while we're on the subject of trying desperately not to offend anyone, I thought some of you would like to know that, so far in my novel, the hero has cut off a man's head, absconded with his personal affects, robbed his treasury, and kidnapped his servant.  But, to the relief of all, no one has, as yet, said any swear words.

I know, I know.  Here come the comments.  How about you go ahead and choose your favorite apology note from the above list right now, and I'll get those out this afternoon.

45 comments:

Kristina P. said...

This is like Mad Libs and Choose Your Own Adventure, rolled into [one, a bag of marijuana, a fruit roll up.]

Love your guts!

PMC said...

oh. what happens when you run out of hilarious? or do you ever run out? i imagine with so much material (emotionally constipated people) you probably don't run out. good on ya mate. love your blog!

Lisa said...

So, do we live in the same neighborhood? Or did they all just slide down the same log and end up with toothpicks lodged...well, anyway, I was called in to meet with my clergy, on account of having been deemed "inappropriate~ESPECIALLY since she's a youth leader." Cuz of words like APPENDAGE that I used, rather than the 200 other weiner references I could have. And yes, there is a fair amount of misspelled profanity~scattered here and there like seeds from a sower~but WHERE IS THE GUN TO YOUR HEAD MAKING YOU TYPE IN MY BLOG ADDRESS EVERY DAY IN ORDER TO READ SUCH OFFENSIVE MATERIAL? Huh? Huh? Where? Anyway, I feel I'm in good company, if you are experiencing similar experiences. My the Lord bless you and keep you. :)

InkMom said...

I'm serious, DeNae -- anonymity is totally the way to go.

rachel said...

Possessed by Michael Ballam bahahahahahaha! Oh my goodness I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Puhleeeeze don't ever stop being funny. Your blog is a highlight of my day.

Kazzy said...

Is the servant's name Zoram?? :)

I've said it before and I will say it again - you are a kind person with a huge heart. Anyone who would ever need that note from you is insecure and overly sensitive.

XO

Sharon said...

Sounds like you're writing the story of Laban.

Marianne said...

I can't stop laughing at [possessed by Michael Ballam]. You've made my day. Again.

Thank you.

Becca said...

i've missed you. know that? my life without denae is sort of full of "dednes" (which is my word-veri, natch)

NG said...

I could [not imagine what you're getting at, really use a boilerplate apology like this, just stole this whole post and am using it on my family]. I'm just sayin'.

Allyson & Jere said...

My personal favorite was the "possessed by michael Ballam" for obvious reasons of course!

Once you create said boilerplate apology notes, couldyou please send some over my husbands way. You and he would clearly get along. Well, unless you offended eachother.

T said...

I'm casting my vote that you never learn to keep your trap shut... that would just spoil all the fun!

Christine Macdonald said...

I love love love love love your humor.

:)

Braden said...

I second what T said. You not saying whatever you thought would be like Michael Ballam not singing. It just wouldn't be the same. Love your apology letter. You are a treasure.

Stacy said...

I'm not sure I can express how much I needed this belly laugh today. And the comments are just as funny! Like the rest, the Michael Ballam comment had me snorting, and I'm still laughing about Lisa's appendages and PMC's emotionally constipated!

LKP said...

LOVE this!

i used to have a notepad filled with these kind of letters. not madlibs, but better. you just circled your way through the letter and then dropped it in the mail. AWESOME!!!

have a great day denae. =)

Lara said...

Really DeNae, I'm pretty sure I can come over and exorcise Michael Ballam right out of you with some horrible singing technique or something.

You shouldn't have to go through such torture. Now that I know, I frankly forgive all. It's just I didn't know....

JBSquared said...

"Possessed by Michael Ballam" is now my go-to excuse for absolutely everything. Thank you for being awesome.

MarieC said...

We love you here in the Pacific Northwest. Don't go changin'!

Melanie J said...

Dear Melanie,

I'm sorry that I commented on your manuscript with such an astute eye. I was clearly possessed by the spirit of Michael Ballam or else friendship when I made an effort to help your struggling manuscript improve. However, that was no reason to threaten a hail of peanut butter M&Ms in gratitude as I am TRYING to wean off of them and also off of Law and Order: SVU as that show is way too psycho for a sheltered Mormon housewife. I didn't mean to be so right and as such, make you spend two hours tweaking 20 pages of manuscript today due to my suggestions. So sorry you still have 130 pages to go. In the future, I will tell you you're brilliant and you can turn in your crappy little story as is.

Sincerely,

DeNae

Melanie J said...

P.S. Working through more changes, in case you couldn't tell. Seriously, they are SOOOO helpful. (Which punctuation do I use to indicate that I am NOT being sarcastic?)

Garden of Egan said...

That felt so warm and fuzzy! Thanks for that, I even felt a sniffle.
I'll return your Gnome to you with all parts intact.

Ditto to Kristina...love yer guts.

Margie said...

Bahahaha
I've never commented here before but I sure needed the laugh today. And Michael Ballam... hahaha.
Can you come up north and sit in on my next RS lesson. We need a little irreverance. Some of us take ourselves and each other way too seriously. Michael Ba....hahaha

Cheeseboy said...

Quite honestly, I am offended by this post. I'm offended that I have never been offended by anything you have done. It's about time...

Leeann Ward said...

How insanely hillarious! Especially loved "possessed by Michael Ballam" and assuring us that there are no swear words in your novel.:) I'm a constantly amused lurker. I love your blog hand that you're not dull and cerebral. You're my kind of Mormon--one with a deep faith and knowledge of the gospel, but with a sharp sense of humor. I think Heavenly Father has one of those.

Andrea said...

You are truly hilarious. As are the comments. Thanks for checking in and making me laugh.

Jillybean said...

OK, FINE! I'll stop writing those limericks about you being eaten by pit bulls.

Christy said...

Is it sacrilege to mock Michael Ballam? If so I'll meet you in the fiery underbelly! LOVE IT

Mikki said...

Is it pathetic that I had to google Michael Ballam to know who you were talking about?

Love everything you have to say DeNae, please keep it coming!

And yeah, the hero sounds a wee bit(just a wee bit, tells you how often I read that book right?) familiar. Sure you're not plagiarizing something?

Anna said...

I like your novel already. :)

Beka said...

So, the other day coaches sister happened to be standing near me to overhear me bad-mouthing... can I borrow this??

AS Amber said...

I, too, am off to Google Michael Bellam.

Love and miss you! Wish you could have come up this weekend. It wasn't the same without you.

xo

AS Amber said...

Luckily Google knows how to spell it better than I do....

The first thing on his web page is "60% off all tapes!" TAPES??? A ha ha ha!!!

I love the Michael Ballam part, too, now!

veronica said...

I think you pretty much covered every situation with that letter. Well done!
Here's hoping you can stay well away from Michael Ballam in the future. I hear there are some pretty dire consequences for choosing his evil plan.

Hilary said...

You know, I used to swear like a sailor... so I can feel for people that do it.
I did, however, work at a nursing home so there were certain words that we saw quite often... hard not to say it.
Luckily, I quit after not too long. :)

Melanie J said...

Oh, my gosh. Just got the joke about the plot line of your novel. And we just READ THAT YESTERDAY. My brain is so fried.

Lisa Loo said...

Oh blah, blah. This place sounds like a bow down and worship DeNae fest.

I kid. I kid.

And for the record--Montana outlawed Gnomes so don't even think about flying by my yard.

Besides that, my garage door on my ceiling doubles as a blast shield so an air strike is futile.

Which brings me to my parting comment--if people keep picking on you like this--you need to come hang out with me under the old blast shield. I promise to worship you daily....

DeNae said...

Um. Lisa, that won't be necessary. Really. But thank you for the offer.

L.T. Elliot said...

Dude, you and I are twinners. Can I steal that form because I have a feeling I'm in desperate need of it. ;)

p.s. Sorry I've been gone so long. Miss you.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, too funny. I'v had the idea for something similar for thank you notes. Dear {Mom}, Sorry I've never thanked you before. So, here goes: Thank you for wiping my ______, driving me _____________, listenting to me whine _____ times, and letting me live _________ years. You're the _______ Mom ever. Love,________
Whatdya think?

Annette Lyon said...

My new goal in life: to be so offended by DeNae that I get to see an interpretive dance.

Holly said...

It seems I may need to print out a bunch of these and keep them handy, as I seem to offend,disturb, confuse people on a regular basis.

annie valentine said...

42 comments? Who are you, Kristina?

Pearl said...

Very funny!

Over from Blog O' Cheese...

Pearl

Rebecca said...

How do you do it? I wish I was only a tenth as funny as you!

I'm sure you've had a million offers already, but if you need any readers to help with your manuscript, my email address is on my blog!