Thursday, September 2, 2010

Don't Go Thinkin' I'm Over my Snit

So, speaking of my novel, I had lunch today with my dearest darlingest mentor from college, Dr. Ed Thompson.  And we talked a little bit about my book.

That's all.  Just segueing.

Ed comes to Vegas every fall for a Photoshop conference, and he is always great to meet me for dinner or lunch or a quick smoke - whatever we have time for.

ATTENTION ALL READERS WHO CAN'T TELL WHEN I'M KIDDING AND YET, INEXPLICABLY, READ MY BLOG ANYWAY ---

Neither Ed nor I smoke.  I made that part up.  Ed gave it up after the time he was conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on TV and the Marlboro dropped out of his mouth and burned the organ to the ground.  Boy, was his face red.

I don't smoke cuz it's against my religion.

So, back to our lunch.  I spent most of the morning scanning my manuscript for naughty words, and I wanted you all to be the first to know, it's as clean and worthy of discussion in your Young Women's classes, Relief Society meetings, and visiting teaching lessons as novels featuring 100-year old men masquerading as teenagers and stalking confused and clinically depressed girls.

I'm feeling pretty darn good about that.

ATTENTION RABID SPARKLY VAMPIRE FANS WHO ARE FED UP WITH ALL THE BASHING OF YOUR PERFECTLY HARMLESS FANTASY LIFE THAT INVOLVES YOU, A 40-YEAR OLD WOMAN, BEING SWEPT OFF YOUR FEET BY A 17-YEAR OLD BOY --

I'm sorry.  I meant no offense.  Also, please stay away from my son.

And speaking of Photoshop, there is this groovy bloggers conference coming up in November.  It's a one-day affair, held in St. George, UT.  I think if you live in Utah, or Arizona, or Nevada, or California, or Guatemala, you should come to this conference.  For one thing, I'm going to be speaking.  For another thing, I have it on good authority Kristina will be topless under her Snuggie.  For another thing, there are a whole buncha you who I am just itching to meet and greet and eat (with) and I'm thinking this would be an awesome way to make that happen.  (I'm looking at you, RW of Gilbert, Arizona)  And for another thing, I had this awesome salad at lunch today.

ATTENTION READERS WHO ARE NOW AFRAID TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS KRISTINA IN CASE I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT HER GIRLS FREE-LANCING AT THE CONFERENCE --

They're very well behaved.  It's been months since they bit anyone.

And speaking of my salad, I got the funniest e-mail from Helen Peterson - one of my first followers who has also become one of my dearest friends from blogland, and who is moving from Australia to Mesa this month, which I'm pretty sure means she's coming to the St. George conference - and she told me that if I said 'damn' or 'hell' in church in Australia no one would bat an eye.  She even said that when she was Primary Prez, she's pretty sure she once told the kids to 'shut the hell up', on accounta in Australia that actually means, 'everyone gets a free koala on their birthday'.

ATTENTION ALL THOSE WHO ONCE AGAIN MISSED THE PART WHERE I AM A HUMOR WRITER AND AS SUCH AM PRONE TO OCCASIONAL BOUTS OF EXAGGERATION OR, WHEN IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT, OUT-AND-OUT LYING --

'Shut the hell up' doesn't really mean 'everyone gets a free koala on their birthday' in Australianese.  It means 'Sister Peterson sure could use a smoke about now'.

And speaking of koalas, Ed and I ate lunch at the Rainforest Cafe.  He had a hamburger, and we laughed and talked so much he missed his afternoon classes and had to sit in the Etch-a-Sketch section for Photoshop Phlunkees.

It was a very good day.

AND THIS TIME, I'M NOT KIDDING.

So glad we could clear that up.

38 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Afraid?!? I think that little promise of me being topless just sold out the rest of the tickets.

Oh, and I'm really glad you aren't bitter or anything. I would hate to see that happen.

I also just named one of my ovaries after you. NO HYPERBOLE.

Momza said...

O my gosh. You're hilarious.
I'm thinking about St. George in November. Need more info.
Would a simpleton like me fit in with royalty the likes of you?
Would I be forced to smoke and cuss to fit in?
I mean, I would be away from home, so noone would be able to rat me out if I did, hypothetically smoke and cuss--and as long as we're doing that, could we get snockered too?

wv: gunnosh: the smoothe chocolatey frosting I lub so much.

Wonder Woman said...

If you, Kristina (and her girls) and RW are there, I really should make an effort.

Thanks for the giggles. Sorry some people can't take a joke. Got their garments in a twist.

T said...

My brain might still be on photoshop and snuggies - that was an action packed post.

and YES Momza, you need to come to St. George! It's going to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys (and if someone could find out where THAT saying originated I'd sure 'preciate ya... as monkeys in a barrel don't sound all that fun to me)

Stacy said...

Knowing, and having taken classes from Dr Thompson makes this post very funny.

And a blogger conference in St George? Will they let me come if I'm 13 months pregnant and promise not to give birth during your lecture?

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I cannot believe you used that s-word in the title of your post that rhymes with another you-know-what kind of word. And I was almost going to sign up for that blog conference, but then I saw that there is a one-hour coffee break, and my lands, my CTR ring almost self-destructed just thinking about it. (How am I doing here? I'm trying to be exactly the kind of reader you wrote this post for.)

Back to the real me: Even if I don't actually attend the conference (read: spend $100), could I still come down to St. George and meet you and Kristina and RW. I'd even buy you dinner, but don't think I'd put a penny toward your Diet Coke or smokes. (sorry, I reverted back into character again.)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

That one sentence I wrote that was a question; it needs one of these at the end: ?

Don't tell that professor/editor guy.

Brooke said...

Drat! I'll have a brand spankin' new baby right when the St. George conference is scheduled (either that, or I'll be so freakishly overdue that I'll be chugging castor oil and begging everyone I know for some nipple stimulation. I hear it works.)

But I'm going to try to send my mom to the conference, since she lives down there. So if some strange woman charges up to you flashing pictures of "the cutest grandbaby in the whole world" and gushes that she is "Brooke's mom, and, by the way, look at the baby!" well, sorry.

kam said...

Give it time, those who don't "get your humor" will either come around and finally "get it" or you will drop off their radar. Either way, it's a "win-win" right? In the mean time you may want to keep supplying those handy dandy "Cliffs Notes" to your blog for those with no comedic "compass" to guide them in "all things funny". It's obvious people have a misguided sense of your importance in their spiritual journey here in life and cannot take your incredible wit in the way it's intended, plain and simply to entertain. When you achieve the status of General Relief Society President, then I will look to you as a role model in religiousity (word or not...you decide). Until then, can you just be my go to gal for deliciously drippy sarcasm? I love your writing. It's obvious you are a good person with a good heart and a love of family and God. Someone who is willing to go into the black hole of anonymity that is the very definition of "primary pianist" is worth their weight in gold.

Apparently, I am attempting the world record "longest blog comment in the history of ALL BLOGS EVERYWHERE" so since I clearly have a goal here I will add a proper "good luck" to you at your conference- the audience is in for a good treat! And IF they happen to be handing out free cute and cuddly, self drugged koala bears and ridiculously marketed but surprisingly useful products like Snuggies at this conference. I SO wanna come next year.....I promise I don't talk as much as I type....(I'm also a compulsive liar ;)

Jillybean said...

I thought that Kristina was always topless under her snuggie.

Allyson & Jere said...

Ok, whos is this RW person? I'm from AZ, I should know who they are and follow along.

Next....I think it's TRAGIC that you EVER have to explain yourself in any way. Tragic that people are so uptight that they just DON'T GET sarcasm at its finest! You are a genius at it, and so freaking hysterical I can barely take it!

I want to come to St. George so freaking bad, just to meet you and Kristina. But alas, I just don't think it's in the cards for me. BOO!

Finally, so glad you and your professor friend were able to smoke it up, I mean talk and have a great time.

Beka said...

Jeez-O-Pete! I am sorry I missed the drama! :) I appreciate that you really do write the way you speak (or vise-versa). It's an art, and you are very talented...just not appreciated in your own time!

Glad you had a great day!

Zach said...

My word verification is "honsh".

Like I had a "honsh" that I would be in for a real treat when I came to visit your blog tonight! I love it!

Becca said...

Yes, yes! Denae's speaking at a conference! (And you can get the AV peeps to run a line of text under your face on the screen - like closed-captioning - to translate your comedy into UNMISTAKEABLE STRAIGHT TALK. You know, if you feel it's needed.)

Hel said...

I am so tired, my laugh manifested itself by blowing snot out my nose when I read the translation for Shut the hell up.

Do you think RW would like to ride in the same car as me? We could totally carpool it all the way up to St George. I could give her a few lessons on how to translate Australian.

Kristina P's girls sound as unruly as mine... maybe they could all have their own conference.

I REALLY like the word Snit. And I LOVE that you called me an old blogland friend. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Jessica said...

Fantastic posting. It makes me a bit homesick for the family right now. I think it must be genetic, because they all have that same serious side that you do. :)

Mikki said...

It's crazy. About the time I moved your blog to the top of my reader you decide to stop blogging. That's about par for the course for me. LOL
So, I was seriously glad to see a post there today.
Great post.
I really, really want to come to that conference in October. I'll have to see if I can swing it.

One Cluttered Brain said...

I hope I can GO!!
Just waiting for the money to get here...*sigh*
I think I need a sponsor to pay for me to go. lol.
Wouldn't that be nice?
And Kristina TOPLESS under her snuggie?
If I wasn't already going that'd be SURE to seal the deal for me...lol.

Heck yeah....

hee-hee.If she is TOPLESS though she better keep her snuggie on...;)

Love ya Denae!

Molly Doe said...

Well golly, I don't know if I want to be in the Mo Tab anymore, now that I know that Ed Thompson used to smoke...
(Am I channeling the brilliant people who don't get sarcasm yet?)
Ooooh, I want to come to St. George & meet you and hang out with Kristina P. And her girls.
I'm sure I can find another piece of furniture to sell to make it.
But in case I can't, I will totally be there in spirit.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha You are so cute.

I lubbed this post. I am going to look into the St. George dealio. I want to meet Helen, who I ironically used to call Hell's Bells.

Your verifier say undodint. It was so thoughtful of you to undo all the damage you done. And oh, no you dint!

I hope Momza comes. I want to meet her too.

AS Amber said...

I would LOVE to see you speak and to see KP's girlies. I bet they're both going to be AWESOME!!

Thanks for all the clarifications. I was THISCLOSE to calling an intervention.

So glad you got to have fun with your friend! Has he forgiven you for that one thing you did in his class that ONE time?

Cheeseboy said...

Sounds like things are progressing well. I am slightly disappointed that my wife could teach your manuscript in her YM class.

For the record, I don't smoke not because of my religion, but because I like my teeth a light shade of yellow... not a dark shade.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Woman, you are hysterical!
By the way if I have to smoke and talk like a sailor hang with you, well, I guess I'll have to take up smoking... ;-)

Braden said...

LOL harmless crush on 17 year old boy. This is hilarious and the 100 year old man stalking the clinicly depressed girl. You are awesome. I'm glad you started putting the translations in.

Braden said...

PS Please stay in the snit for a little longer at least.

Garden of Egan said...

You didn't mention Idaho.
Hmmmmm, maybe that's why the invite got lost in the mail.

How awesome to be able to have lunch with someone who might have offended the MoTab by dropping a cig in front of them.
I bet he rocks with Etchasketch!

PMC said...

quite literally the funniest post i have read in a while. i need to check in here more dang often. i NEEDED THAT LAUGH. whew. i gotta go relax my stomach muscles back to where they are used to being. around my knees somewhere.

oh my HECK. ;)

Rebecca said...

So glad you put up another post! Funny stuff!! And you can thank me for getting PMC turned onto your blog...that's my ultra funny SIL who lives south of me and who I am hoping I can talk into abandoning her kids the same weekend I abandon mine so we can have lots of fun in St George. I am such a newbie with this blogging thing that I am sure the conference will be over my head, but sounds like fun anyway! Hope to stalk ya there!

Hilary said...

I am fairly sure I could center an entire relief society around your book, and then bare witness of the truth of The Work and the Glory.

Get out your kleenex ladies.

annie valentine said...

I would go anywhere to see Kristina topless, but we both know which one of us is more likely to flash her girls in public come November. We also know which funny little blogger will spend the conference shushing the squeaky baby. Do you think she'll sick security on me? Do you think being around a nursing mom will make her milk come in?

Also, this was a damn funny post.

Twinmomwv said...

So glad you're back with us DeNae. I was seriously afraid you had gone totally AWOL on us.

bon said...

When I first moved into my current Ward I was nervous that I was not gonna fit in. My tattoos, and previous life as a junkie just kinda sets me apart a bit even though I live a very different life now. So when a lady who didn't often come to church dropped the eff-bomb twice as part of her comment during RS, and yet not one woman batted an eyelash and instead opened their arms to her.... I knew I was home.

Karen Peterson said...

OOOOOOHHHHHHHH! You're a HUMOR writer!

I'll be right back. I have to go call the temple and tell them to cancel that prayer request for your soul...

Sher said...

What?! You took out the swear words? I'm slightly disappointed. But, I guess that's cuz I'm a little more irreverent than your average Utah Mormon, I guess.

I didn't sign up for the BBC because my husband tends to have little patience and an even smaller wallet when it comes to blogging. But if I told him I were going on a girls' trip to SG because I need a time out, he'd be all over it.

Maybe I'll sneak away for a night and at least get dinner with all you cool people who actually still kinda sorta blog.

(Can you believe I'm actually commenting on a blog?)

Smith Family said...

Funny post. Made me laugh - thanks. :)

cheekymama said...

Boy am I glad you swung by mine on SITS day. So funny and your profile is nothing short of brilliant.

Adding you to my list of Hot Blog Titles and thanking you for the sweet SITS love!

from Babes about Town
http://babesabouttown.com

Seymour Chase said...

just found your blog - so very funny!

Anna said...

Ah, thanks for the giggle. How do I get into this conference without forking over 99$? I'm not far, it would be fun to hear and see you in person. Of course since that would make the impending daughter about 3 weeks old or so, and I'm flat broke, I should be realistic. Sounds very entertaining though