So yesterday - Sunday - was a day. Yep, it was a day all right. You know, one of those days. The kind of day where you go to bed thinking, "OK, my first mistake was..." and the list is so long it dates back to your mother's first trimester.
(Of course, JFK was shot during my mother's first trimester, so it's Oswald's fault I had such a headache last night. Jerk.)
Anyway, in the name of sorting some things out, I'd like to present you with a few ... um ... hypothetical scenarios about things that never really happened at all, they're totally made up, seriously, we're just ruminating here.
I really need some honest - I mean, hypothetical - feedback from you, though. You know, the kind that starts with, "Oh, DeNae, you poor, poor girl..." and ends with "Who should I smack first?"
Hypothetical Scenario Number One: Suppose a member of the bishopric
(def: church congregational leadership team member and unpaid carrier-outer of one thankless duty after another)
comes to your house and invites you to accept a responsibility in your ward
(def: church congregation defined by geographical boundaries and a shared conviction that the BYU football team is the only true and living football team on the earth today, and furthermore, that fellow congregants who happened to graduate from the University of Utah instead and / or think there is nothing more mind-numbingly dull than BYU football should be burned at the stake or at least left off the social e-mail list - either option being preferable to said fellow congregants than having to sit through a BYU football game)
that really requires a complete overhaul of your attitude, not to mention the way you'll be spending Sundays for the at least semi-foreseeable future.
Is it wrong to say, "Ah, man! That totally sucks!", and then burst into tears?
Hypothetical Scenario Number Two: Suppose it, you know, already happened. Hypothetically. Is it then also wrong to say, "Fine. I'll do it. But I don't want to be put on any damned committees. I mean it. None of this 'Hey, DeNae isn't busy any more, let's make her the ward Jell-o specialist!' crap."
And you really said 'damned'. And also, maybe, 'crap'. And worst of all, if I'm hypothesizing correctly, 'committees'.
Still wrong, huh?
Hypothetical Scenario Number Three: Well, suppose you then Facebook e-mailed your new friend Gideon Burton, with whom you have at least three things in common, namely a) You love his wife, b) You now have the same calling, and c) You've spent at least a few years of your life believing you were the boss of the ward, even though only one of you was, technically, correct.
And you asked him to cheer you up because he's been on both sides of the table on this one.
And suppose his Facebook e-mail response included the following line:
"...none of this whining self-pity crap or I'll come snatch the diet Coke from your ungrateful paws."
Would you -
A) thank your lucky stars that even your new friends know when to kick your butt up around your ears for being such a fathead,
B) unFacebookFriend Gideon Burton because, even though he sort of validated your use of the word 'crap', he maintains an irrational hostility toward diet Coke, an innocent bystander in all of this who has done nothing but support you, not judge you, and dissolve most but not all of your esophagus, or
C) use that line as the beginning of another sonnet, which you've discovered you have an almost genius-level talent for, as was recently demonstrated on this very blog?
What? "A", you say? But what about defending diet Coke's honor? What about your new career as a sonnetist?
Hypothetical Scenario Number Four: Suppose you decided that the best way to resolve all of these hypothetical dilemmas was to put them out there to your bloggy buddies, and instead of them telling you that you handled yesterday just right and that the rest of the universe really needs to get its act together, they told you, y'know, the truth. Would it be wrong to flip a psychic bird at everyone living inside your computer, stomp up the stairs in a huff, and spend the rest of the day in the tub reading trashy novels, eating peanut butter M&Ms, and yes, dammit, drinking gallons of diet Coke?
You could do that? It would be ok? Totally understandable?
Finally. Something we all can agree on.