Monday, July 19, 2010

Summertime Muse

A few of the thoughts that keep me from throwing myself under an ice cream truck in the hopes that it's leaking hot fudge out of the radiator:

1)  I have unusual friends.  One who gives me "To Kill a Mockingbird" for my birthday, with the idea that after we both read it we can discuss its major themes and celebrate the 50th anniversary of its publication over lunch.  Lest you think her a prude, however, I'll tell you that while I was wandering Borders, deeply concerned that my crush on Orlando Bloom made me a lesbian, she snuck up behind me and grabbed my butt with both hands and gave it the squeezing of its life.  This did not help resolve the whole "lesbian" question as much as you might think. 

2)  And another friend who texts me at midnight and asks me if there is ever an appropriate time to use the word "got", and will I please text back immediately because she and her husband have a .. *cough, cough* .. grownup bet going, and it's getting to where she doesn't care who's right, seeing as how it's all win-win anyway.

3)  I am acquainted with the parents of a couple who decided that the way to pay for their fertility treatments was for the wife to go on "The Price is Right" and win a car, which they would then sell.  And that is exactly what happened. 

4)  This same couple just bought a new house, and needed money to put in a back yard.  So they figured they'd fund it by winning the cash on "Wheel of Fortune".  Which they did.  Last week.  I'm not even kidding.

5)  I am clearly taking the wrong approach to long-term financial planning.

6)  One of my children told me recently that she's pretty sure she's developing Stockholm Syndrome:  She loves the people holding her hostage and ruining her life.  For my money, you just can't have too many of those magical parenting moments.

7)  I have absolutely no doubt that the Spider Solitaire game on my computer is sentient.  And it cheats like a dog.

8)  I drove my son to cross country practice at six a.m. today, and it was already 98 degrees.  If you're ever in the "Cash Cab", and the question "What is the dumbest city on the face of the earth in which to live?" comes up, the answer is "Las Vegas".  You're welcome.

9)  Speaking of heat, the room in which I teach my adult Sunday School class had no air conditioning yesterday.  I could actually hear my hairspray take its own life.  Given that I could turn teaching a class in a meat locker into an aerobic event, it doesn't take much imagination to guess how attractive I was by the end of the lesson.  (They're now using my picture on 'Raid' cans.  I'm ambivalent.)

10)  Not for the first time have I given serious thought to temporarily converting to "The Church of the Bellagio Buffet" between the months of May and September.  The place is air conditioned, they provide their own music, and the last thing anyone ever asks you to do is fast.  My kinda religion.

11)  The other day both of my daughters were in a P-ositively M-erry S-tate, and my son was suffering from an acute case of being fourteen.  It occurred to me as I went to bed that the only approval I'd received that day was from the debit card reader at Albertson's.

12)  I have way too many sticky-note reminders on my computer monitor.  I'm thinking I could probably get rid of a few of them - like the ones that say "buy diapers" and "turn 30".

13)  Young moms, you may want to take note:  It turns out, when your oldest child is 23 and he sends a text message saying that the drill sergeants at the ROTC leadership camp he's attending "aren't a bit worried about hurting your feelings", you still have to fight the urge to call up those mean men and tell them to stop picking on your baby.

14)  Finally, if you made it all the way to number 14 and are still reading, it's obvious we're both too bored to think straight.  Tell you what:  I'll go flag down that ice cream truck and distract the driver, and you sneak over and loosen the radiator cap.

That's what I call "win-win".

34 comments:

Kristina P. said...

One of the problems with The Church of Bellagio is that they charge you 140% of your income, and that's just for dinner.

Becca said...

*Happy sigh*
These are the posts that make me love you most - your randomosity blurs the distinctions between you and me. Except that I won't even pull the car over for gas in the state of Nevada, and you've chosen (?) to live there.

MarieC said...

I laughed until I cried, Denae!Truly!!

I grew up in Las Vegas, and now I've lived in the Pacific Northwest way too long. Just this morning, I was thinking longingly of those wonderful Las Vegas mornings when it would be 98 degrees before the sun rose. 'Course, that is because I live in the Pacific NorthWET, where it was still only 60 degrees at NOON. Whatever happened to moderation in all things?

Baby Sister said...

Haha. I just followed your blog and am already loving it!! Those are awesome!
Especially about your hairspray dying. :)

plattbabysister.blogspot.com

Jessica said...

My mind is so mushy from lack of sleep and too many kids. I don't have any kind of a complete thought in my head, so that made complete sense to me. Your posting flowed like poetry.

Thanks.

Wonder Woman said...

Whoa! You changed stuff up in here. That's what I get for sticking to my reader and not venturing into the real world of blogs.

Seriously? They won on TWO shows? Are those shows filmed in Vegas? How do you get on them? Every time I see The Singing Bee I think, "I would totally rock that show!" But that show takes a lot more skill than Price is Right.

Holy crap. I'm still blown away by this. Also, you need Wheel of Fortune for your backyard? I need Wheel of Fortune for student loans and baby -birthing bills and BUYING a house!!!!!!

Garden of Egan said...

YOU are too weird!
Or maybe it's your friends that are weird. How well do you have to know someone before they can walk up behind you in a public place and grab your butt...with both hands? Seriously?
That's awesome.

Glad your debit card gave you approval today. I didn't even get that.

Thanks for the giggle today. My hubs is looking at me like I'm off my rocker. He keeps hoping that I'm giggling at the stupid TV show that filmed in Vegas that has the pawn shop and the old man and lazy grandson.
The only reason I don't leave the room is that I'm hoping that I might see you in the Pawn Shop.

AS Amber said...

I will freaking KILL those ARMY guys if they're being mean to him! I bet they didn't even sing HB to him last week!

Number 12 made me laugh out loud. I can't believe that about the people winning all those game shows! What the crap?? Who does that!?!? Sounds like something Kim would do.

I'll join you in your new religion. Any church that gives me all the creme brulet I want is fine by me!

Stacy said...

Yeah, it's hot. I don't even live in Las Vegas, and it's hot. Although I am incubating a baby, so that gives me +20 degrees and makes me feel like a great big melted puddle of pregnant goo.

Somebody better get the spatula. And bring me some of that chocolate ice cream, would ya?

Melanie said...

Laughing so hard it hurts, seriously, I think I dislodged something! Thanks for the link to the Orlando Bloom write up, made me rethink my sexuality too:) What a deep night for icecream trucks everywhere!

seashmore said...

I approve of you and your blog. Any day, any Albertson's.

Kazzy said...

That ROTC gig must be hard for your boy, and almost as hard for you. Yipes. And hearing your hairspray take its own life? Sad business.

Love your guts.

InkMom said...

The air conditioner in the half of our building that houses a large gaggle of menopausal women has recently turned our Relief Society into a sweat lodge since it stopped working. I've seen more leg in RS lately than you probably do on the strip. Now that, my friend, is cruel and unusual.

M-Cat said...

Is the ice cream truck driver a perv? If so, I'm gonna refrain from entering in that win-win sitch - but if he's just a regular joe trying to make a buck, then I am all for holding him hostage and raiding the entire stock.

PS - love the new look of your page!

JoeinVegas said...

I'll see your Bellagio and raise you one Rio buffet. Even if they don't have wild grouse or boar.

Jennifer said...

Stopping by from SITS. You are hilarious! I love your blog! Have a great day!

Angelia Sims said...

Ahhh - GREAT STUFF!! I will definitely join in on taking down the ice cream truck! :-D

Wendy Ramer said...

Numbers 3-6 cracked me up. How come I never learned about this method of earning money? Last night on Lifetime Channel, I watched a Jennifer Love-Hewitt movie where she plays an everyday housewife struggling to make ends meet. So she gets a job at a "massage" parlor where prostitution is the end result. (aka Happy Ending or Full Release). She racks in the bucks, and if it weren't for the fact that her husband (clueless to her real work) was feeling inadequate for not being the bread winner, I would have been looking to get me one of those massage jobs. Yeah, that's where my summer's taking me.

Heidi Walker said...

Very funny. Orlando Bloom at least has some facial hair.

Smith Family said...

I laughed when I got to #14 because that is EXACTLY why I tuned into your blog tonight...bored out of my mind and I can always count on you for humor. It was fun catching up on your summer. Thanks for the laughs, as always.

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Hey, baby, we can TAKE ON that ice cream truck - I used to drive a school bus so I can put her in high gear and be gone with her. Park that truck in Las Vegas/eastern North Carolina for 5 freakin' minutes, and I guar-on-tee it'll be leaking hot fudge and everything else.

Our AC at church works and I still have to break out the funeral-home-fan every Sunday, in every room in the building (and yes, I would qualify for InkMom's RS group).

Melanie J said...

I want in on the Mockingbird action. Did you know that my son's middle name is Atticus and I'm angling for our next girl to be Harper? Just sayin'.

Theresa Rodriguez said...

I saw your hair after Sunday School. It actually looked great. Apparently you pull off the damp do rather well! :)Im sure if i was in there with no air conditioning i would have a lovely ring of back sweat and not the same luck with my hair. I envy you. Well done.

Kimberly said...

Dang I love you.

And I'm going to be giggling over the game show financial planning couple for at least the rest of the day.

wendy said...

Las Vegas in summer is HELL...and Alberta in winter is HELL.

I have investigated the Church of the Bellagio and I am kind of a believer.

YES, CALL THE DAMN DRILL SRGT. No one, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to talk rudley to our babies.
What happened to the "kinder, gentler, country?"

Christy said...

Has your son had a lobotomy? Cross-country in Vegas! WOW!!

Donna said...

Wow, I was going to leave a comment, but I like the desert. So I guess I won't...

bluecottonmemory said...

Yes - I got all the way to #14.
Yes, you can use got in non-professional settings when you do not need standard English and can resort to dialect.

I love #6! Still Laughing!

The ROTC - apparently, you do not have 5 sons. Apparently, this is not your rebellious son. I would be giving the ROTC leader a high five! LOL

Loved your list:)

iamwoman said...

Oh this is too funny! Love your take on life!

PS> I pre-read your MMB post on not serving a mission--and cannot wait until it is published. It is a fantastic post and I know you were inspired to do it.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL at Kristina's comment. Or should I be sad, because that is totally true.

I am only an hour and a half away from where you live, so I feel your pain with the heat and I swear our church's A/C was off while I was in nursery.

Literally it felt like H E Double Toothpicks!

Rebecca said...

I just signed up to be a wheel of fortune contestant. And to think that I thought selling baskets would get me some trees in this back yard.
Danae, thanks for the humor, as always....

Aunt LoLo said...

"11) The other day both of my daughters were in a P-ositively M-erry S-tate, and my son was suffering from an acute case of being fourteen. It occurred to me as I went to bed that the only approval I'd received that day was from the debit card reader at Albertson's."

*snort*

I noticed that my sister was "sharing" every! single! one! of your posts, so I thought I'd come check you out.

I think I'm in love.....

Lene said...

Stockholm Syndrome....bwahhahahaha

That means you are doing your job well!

Mikki said...

#3 and #4--I know who you're talking about--they're in my old ward. They have the cutest little girl in the world!!!