A few of the thoughts that keep me from throwing myself under an ice cream truck in the hopes that it's leaking hot fudge out of the radiator:
1) I have unusual friends. One who gives me "To Kill a Mockingbird" for my birthday, with the idea that after we both read it we can discuss its major themes and celebrate the 50th anniversary of its publication over lunch. Lest you think her a prude, however, I'll tell you that while I was wandering Borders, deeply concerned that my crush on Orlando Bloom made me a lesbian, she snuck up behind me and grabbed my butt with both hands and gave it the squeezing of its life. This did not help resolve the whole "lesbian" question as much as you might think.
2) And another friend who texts me at midnight and asks me if there is ever an appropriate time to use the word "got", and will I please text back immediately because she and her husband have a .. *cough, cough* .. grownup bet going, and it's getting to where she doesn't care who's right, seeing as how it's all win-win anyway.
3) I am acquainted with the parents of a couple who decided that the way to pay for their fertility treatments was for the wife to go on "The Price is Right" and win a car, which they would then sell. And that is exactly what happened.
4) This same couple just bought a new house, and needed money to put in a back yard. So they figured they'd fund it by winning the cash on "Wheel of Fortune". Which they did. Last week. I'm not even kidding.
5) I am clearly taking the wrong approach to long-term financial planning.
6) One of my children told me recently that she's pretty sure she's developing Stockholm Syndrome: She loves the people holding her hostage and ruining her life. For my money, you just can't have too many of those magical parenting moments.
7) I have absolutely no doubt that the Spider Solitaire game on my computer is sentient. And it cheats like a dog.
8) I drove my son to cross country practice at six a.m. today, and it was already 98 degrees. If you're ever in the "Cash Cab", and the question "What is the dumbest city on the face of the earth in which to live?" comes up, the answer is "Las Vegas". You're welcome.
9) Speaking of heat, the room in which I teach my adult Sunday School class had no air conditioning yesterday. I could actually hear my hairspray take its own life. Given that I could turn teaching a class in a meat locker into an aerobic event, it doesn't take much imagination to guess how attractive I was by the end of the lesson. (They're now using my picture on 'Raid' cans. I'm ambivalent.)
10) Not for the first time have I given serious thought to temporarily converting to "The Church of the Bellagio Buffet" between the months of May and September. The place is air conditioned, they provide their own music, and the last thing anyone ever asks you to do is fast. My kinda religion.
11) The other day both of my daughters were in a P-ositively M-erry S-tate, and my son was suffering from an acute case of being fourteen. It occurred to me as I went to bed that the only approval I'd received that day was from the debit card reader at Albertson's.
12) I have way too many sticky-note reminders on my computer monitor. I'm thinking I could probably get rid of a few of them - like the ones that say "buy diapers" and "turn 30".
13) Young moms, you may want to take note: It turns out, when your oldest child is 23 and he sends a text message saying that the drill sergeants at the ROTC leadership camp he's attending "aren't a bit worried about hurting your feelings", you still have to fight the urge to call up those mean men and tell them to stop picking on your baby.
14) Finally, if you made it all the way to number 14 and are still reading, it's obvious we're both too bored to think straight. Tell you what: I'll go flag down that ice cream truck and distract the driver, and you sneak over and loosen the radiator cap.
That's what I call "win-win".