Sunday, June 27, 2010

Vegas, Baby

Because they're still on the road, I get to be the first one to blog about my weekend with Kristina, Annie, and Amber.  One is my sister, one is pregnant, one is owed a billion dollars in advertising residuals from Snuggie.  I'll let you work out who is who.

This was really a terrible visit.  Wretched.  Goodness, how we suffered.  All weekend long.  It seemed so promising at first, but then one thing after another happened, until finally I just called my driver and said, "Home, Morgan.  I can NOT bear any more of this laughing and eating and lounging by the pool while someone else makes my bed." 

Can you blame me?

First, Kristina and I were rejected by the people who make and distribute those "Hot Tamales a Go-Go" cards they pass out down on the strip.  It was quite a disappointment.  When it comes to art, there is simply no accounting for taste. 

As to the pole we're posing with - and look at how Kristina is practically suspended from that baby, she's so limber - you'll have to look here.  I'm not talking about it any more because it's naughty and I like being able to look the people I go to church with in the eye, or at least in the chin-hairs.

After that, we went to brunch but since we didn't take any pictures of the meal it didn't really happen.  Although Annie has filed a lawsuit against that waitress on accounta she's still waiting for her cranberry juice.  Annie is kind of pregnant, so she doesn't take well to being inconvenienced, especially when it comes to eating.  She kept saying, "I've gotta feed the baby" and "The baby is starving" and "I'm pretty sure the baby ate those forty thousand shrimps, cuz it sure wasn't me, no matter how much cocktail sauce I've got on my eyebrows." 

Then we went shopping and we all bought groovy sunglasses.  (Dear Blogger:  Please insert a picture of groovy sunglasses here.  I'm bored with having to Google everything.)

Then we checked into the hotel, and Kristina took a "nap", which we all knew meant she polished off the mini-bar and lost her Hyundai at the craps tables.  It's probably still wandering around the casino, sniffling and calling her name in Korean.  Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have cars.

Anyway, while Kristina "slept", the other three of us went to the pool.  Amber just flopped herself onto the chaise lounge and landed in this pose.  The little hussy.  As her biggest sister, and I mean that in every sense of the word, I had no choice but to smack her.  Well, I guess I had some choices.  I could have head-butted her.  Or grounded her.  Or taken her picture and blogged about her, although honestly, no one deserves that.

Annie didn't flop onto her chaise lounge.  She just sat there, talking about how hungry the baby was, and asking passers-by if they were going to finish that ice cream sandwich.


Incidentally, she's wearing her groovy sunglasses.  Yeah, yeah, she's adorable.  Tell me something I don't know.  And the only thing about her that is pregnant is her tummy.  Sheesh, talk about a failure of imagination.  When I was procreating, I knew how to spread it around.  I've always said, if your hair isn't retaining water, you're just an amateur.  Really.  I've said that.

Finally, after Annie's baby mugged a little Chinese tourist for the last of her corn dog, we figured we'd better go to dinner.

So the suffering continued as we were compelled to dine at the Bellagio Buffet.  Seriously?  Do I have to eat Beef Wellington and prime rib and king crab and brownies and raspberry mousse?  Multiple times?

Sigh.  All right. 

There were three tragedies that night.  The first was, Kristina got wasted on Bananas Foster and made out with our waitress, who, and I mean this as kindly as possible, looked just like an extra from 'Planet of the Apes'.  So our tip, like, tripled after that.

Look at her.  You can tell she's completely plastered.  She never could hold her bananas.

In the second tragedy, Amber was cited for behavior unbecoming a patron of the Bellagio Buffet when she hauled a chair over to the dessert line and lapped up all the creme broulees without benefit of spoon or, for that matter, hands.

Finally, the third tragedy occurred when Annie discovered too late that, while she may be eating for two, the second mouth she's feeding doesn't necessarily belong to, as a ferinstance, Ruben Studdard.

Don't go feeling sorry for her. She knew the risks when she started fooling around seven months ago.  Choices and consequences, Annie.  Learn a lesson.

After we were forcibly ejected from the Bellagio Buffet, we returned to our own hotel to polish off a carton of Whoppers, two pounds of peanut butter M&Ms, a family sized bag of Doritos, and 11,000 Rolaids.  Hey, it had been a long drive from the middle of the strip to the end of the strip.  We were practically wan with hunger.  Besides, Annie's baby had located a shiv and was threatening us with grave bodily harm if we didn't send it some Cheetos, a million dollars in unmarked bills, and a helicopter.

So then we sat up talking and laughing and hearing the absolute BEST "how we met" story from one of our party who shall remain anonymous but who will now find herself and her husband featured prominently in my novel - because, seriously, when it involves a Samurai sword and "Ninja Night", how could they not? - and finally fell asleep after Annie's baby ordered pot roast and a three-tiered wedding cake from room service.

The next day, I woke up - believe it or not - feeling a bit unwell.  I know, crazy, right?  I think it was the heat.  So I declared myself funned out, and called my husband with a request that he rent a crane and a flatbed truck to come hoist me out of bed and take me home.

I assume the misery continued for the rest of the weekend, and I was relieved that I didn't have to join them at Serendipity for lunch or hang out by the pool that afternoon or go to the movie that night or sleep late this morning.

And now they're driving home, gabbing and laughing and doing all that other terrible stuff that marks your typical girls' weekend.  The poor things.

I just hope they get enough to eat. 


Migillicutty said...

FIRST!!!! :) :) :)

Cluttered Brain said...

Kristina visited YOU??
That is AWESOME.
Oh, and I just LOVE the way you tell a story.
DEar Blogger, insert fabulous sunglasses here, I'm tired of googling EVERYTHING.

Love it.
You are AWESOME Denae.

And Kristina had better watch herself around bananas foster....

Tsk tsk tsk....
Thanks for updating us!!

tammy said...

I have no doubt everything happened exactly as you said.

Garden of Egan said...

Once again, I'm thinking the song
"One Hot MaMas"

Ya, you are certainly a great pole dancer and I think that you have learned well from bein' a Ve-Gaser!

Kristina P. said...

So, Splinter just asked me what I was reading, as I'm sitting her laughing, and I told him it was your blog post. I, I mean, Anonymous, told him about sharing Ninja night with everyone, and he basically said that he was going to take nunchucks to you all. He's super thrilled.

Annie hardly mentioned the baby or being pregnant at all, yesterday and today. And by "at all", I mean 57 times an hour.

We really did have a miserable time when you left yesterday. We wallowed in our giant tub of popcorn, while only laughing mildly during the movie. I could barely even muster the energy to say "Pap smear skirt", once you left us. It really was tragic.

Thanks for the amazing time. I literally only took 2 pictures, so we'll see when I can blog about this debauchery.

Oh, and we only stopped about every 17 miles on the way home, to eat. I was practically starving and now look like an Olsen twin.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I'm sorry you woke up sick during all that fine, quality bonding. I'm so glad that Annie's baby didn't eat you when you were so vulnerable and disabled by a mysterious and totally uninvited illness.

I almost wrote something presumptious like "you'd better invite me next time," but then I remembered I'm already having trouble fitting into the pants I've got, and there's no Ruben Studdard in my uterus to blame it on. I'd better keep my distance.

AS Amber said...

Oh my heck I'm laughing just as hard at KP's comment as I did the post itself!

This was literally (stupid Annie has me saying that word, litterally all the time) in the top 3 funnest times I've ever had! We HATED having you leave!!! We mentioned several times the rest of the day how much we wished you were with us!

I love how there was not one moment of irritation or even slightly bugged with each other the whole time. Seriously, not a second. Who does that? Soul sisters, that's who. And literal sisters.

And yes, we really did stop 9 million times on the way home. The girls got to meet Kim, though!

Love you! Thanks for such a good time! (And for bossing me out of the sun.)

Cheeseboy said...

Oh my goodness, this sounds almost exactly like the premise of a movie I recently saw. Don't tell me you all stole Mike Tyson's tiger!

Actually, now that I think of it, I am sure any weekend with Kristina would end up making a great movie.

My dream is that someday someone blogs a picture of me in a bathing suit.

annie valentine said...

I just want you to know that after dropping the girls off last night, I drove back to Vegas, bought myself a buffet pass, and am currently on the bus headed to my third all-you-can-eat and ready to kill the bus driver if he doesn't step on it.

Gina said...

You felt a "bit unwell"? Terrible. And unforeseeable.

Saimi said...

I am so glad I hopped over. Kristina may be doing a 'giveaway' but she certainly wasn't giving away any weekend details.

You girls obviously now how to have a good time!!

Annette Lyon said...

That's my kind of miserable weekend!

And I do think my hair retained water with that last pregnancy. I'm such a pro.

Allyson & Jere said...

I came over from Kristinas blog, and I'm so glad I did. You are seriously hysterical! You think like i do, therefore you MUST be awesome.

Your description of your trip was so fun. Glad you had a good time, well for at least a minute.

All I can say is, if the other two are anything like you and Kristina, then there was probably illegal amounts of fun going on. Or at least lethal levels of laughter. (oh stop with the alliterations already). Can I come next time? haha

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Looks like you guys were having fun!!!

Connie said...

What a weekend update! However, I thought that "what's done in Vegas stays in Vegas!" Glad it's not true!

Kimberly said...

I am SO going to push for Neil to go to Vision Expo West this year and take me with him. Must get in on the Vegas action, baby.

M-Cat said...

How fun! I laughed out loud the entire post!

Braden said...

Looked like someone out of Planet of the Apes. Awesome.

InkMom said...



seashmore said...

That poor Chinese tourist, losing her corn dog like that. At least it went to a good cause.

And I LOVE "How We Met" stories!!

Mikki said...

I don't visit your blog often enough. I'm a wee bit bitter that Kristina was here and didn't visit me too. sigh.
Great post!!! Looks like a FUN, FUN, FUN weekend.

Christy said...

DANG! It's time for me to invite myself to another of DeNae's festivities. I need a good laugh!!

JennyMac said...

Hilarious! I am so glad you got to visit. AND I too noticed KP seems quite comfy on that pole. lol

lori said...

That's just hilarious- I just love your story telling!

Kazzy said...

Funny there wasn't a fourth tragedy and the writer got off scott free... hmmmmm.

I am so jealous. Food, sun, laughing. I could use a little of that. You gals are awesome!

Amber said...

I hope that baby of Annie's is now satisfied seeing how he(she?) ate all of LV's food.

peewee said...

I am crying laughing!! I've never heard Vegas sound SO FUN...sober. said...

OMG! I read that and burped! I hope you can feel the relief from it!