Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Price We Pay for Fame

Well, I declare! What a day I've had! My cankles are not yet deflated, but I couldn't wait them out, particularly since I've been told that the solution to canklification is to take a brisk walk. Sadly, it's June in Las Vegas, and brisk is simply no longer an option. And do not even get me started on the subject of exercise. My sister is recovering from an abdominal bleed resulting from too many crunches. That's right. Fitness kills, people. Fitness. Kills.

Oddly, that's kind of the opposite message from the one Mrs. Obama and Senator Reid were preaching today. I was invited to the kickoff of a national fitness program called "Let's Move Outside," and I felt that I needed to attend, if for no other reason than to be the lone voice of sanity in a sea of fanaticism. Honestly, do you know how often that is my role? "Hey, everyone's talking crazy! Where is DeNae? We must have a lone voice of sanity!"

First, this lady got up and spoke. 

I think her name was Suzy Snowflake or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention; we were sitting outside in a concrete amphitheater. You know, in Las Vegas  In June. So we were a little distracted by the sound of our brains liquefying. 

Anyway, Suzy said something so terrible, so hideous, so unspeakably wicked I began to suspect that the problems in this country run much deeper than economic collapse and Sarah Pallin's political aspirations. She said that Mrs. Obama has brainwashed children to the point that they now ask her for broccoli.

I don't even know where to start. My jaw hit the cheese danish I smuggled in under my blouse. Do you know where they make broccoli? OUTSIDE! It's true! I googled it and everything! And did you know that studies have shown that 87% of the world's dirt is produced outside? Also true!  

Do I have to paint you a picture? And this lovely, sinister First Lady has convinced children that it's a good thing to crave! What's next? Leeks? Moss? Gravel, for Pete's sake?

Broccoli, indeed.

Then Senator Reid got up to speak.


He was very concerned that he hadn't seen me in the audience yet. You can see the worry etched in his face. So I waved at him and hollered, "I'm here! This way! Third row, next to the lady who has passed out fr -- oof, ugh, hey you dumb Secret Service guy! Don't make me blog about you!"

He was visibly relieved to know that I had arrived, as were Ms. Snowflake and Mrs. Obama.

See? "DeNae's here," the senator is whispering. "The lone voice of sanity is on the third row. With cheese danish on her chin."

So then Mrs. Obama spoke. She said things like, "Look at those fat kids on the back row. We're going to run them out into the desert and make them live on Joshua trees and wild burros 'til they're good and skinny." Nefarious evil-doer. I had no choice: I stood up, turned to the fat kids on the back row, and shouted, "Don't listen to her! My kids are in great shape, and last night I fed them cake batter for dinner! Waddle with me if you want to liv -- oof, ugh, dangit you stupid Secret Service guy, that was my last danish!"

Finally, the speeches were over, my lawyer had me released on my own recognizance, and we wandered back into the building.

That's when the hostage situation unfolded.

Apparently, after they airlifted the fat kids to the wild burro preserve, all the politicos fled the scene in a commandeered BLM Range Rover. Of course, no one knew where they'd gone, so we weren't allowed to leave the Visitors' Center until someone tracked them down. (They were located at a Summerlin In n' Out Burger, scarfing down onion rings and eating mayonnaise straight out of the packets.)

Meanwhile, these four guys were creating a human barricade, defying us to rush the line and menacing us with their frothing, vicious, malevolent devil dog.

Isn't he terrifying?  Just look at him, lunging at the trainer's leash, snarling and slobbering and coming thisclose to ripping our throats clean out!

Eventually, I started singing revolutionary songs from "Les Miserables," and, as often happens when I use musical theater as a weapon, the security team ran screaming to their SUVs. We had been liberated.

Of course, we weren't out of the woods yet.  Once we all got to the parking lot, a new batch of security guys -- this time sporting gigantic ear plugs and therefore completely impervious to Show Tunes of Mass Destruction -- wouldn't let us drive away!

Fortunately, it was nice and cool.

Yes, that's me taking a picture of the thermometer on my rear view mirror. And yes, it says I'm facing west and it's ninety-seven breezy degrees.

So we all helped Kristina kill the earth by running our cars and air conditioners for half an hour or so, and all the while my cankles were inflating like crazy. 

You have to understand: I normally have fabulous legs. But there isn't nearly enough tapering happening here, and I was getting pretty darn close to filing a civil suit against the fundamental rules of physics. I did take comfort, however, in the fact that those are dang near the cutest ballet flats ever to grace a puffy, water-retaining foot.

Finally, a fat kid riding a wild burro mowed over the security guys, and we all made a run for it. I was so happy to be back on the open road, I decided to celebrate. It was then that I laid eyes on the final and most pitiable victim of the afternoon's crisis:

That's right.  The Snickers bar I always keep in my purse in case I'm taken hostage or a Secret Service guy smushes my cheese danish -- had melted.

That was the last straw!  So young, so fresh, so full of potential, that bar of peanutty goodness was snatched away from me in the prime of its gooey life.

I wept all the way home. Not only had I learned that the First Lady hates kids, my face was covered in cream cheese and chocolate. (What? Like I was supposed to just throw it away?)

And I've learned my lesson. The next time someone from a US Senator's office e-mails me and says, "Hey, DeNae, I've got an extra ticket to an exclusive event with the First Lady of the United States and a bunch of fat kids. Wanna come?", you know what I'm going to say?

I'll say, "Yes!  Yes!  Sign me up!  I'll be there! 

"Save me a burro!"


Kristina P. said...

I am still stuck on the broccoli part. I knew those Obamas were a nefarious bunch!

I am also a little saddened that they had this little shindig in what appears to be the Nevada desert. Why not in front of Vegas' true shining star, Glitter Gulch? Was there even ONE dispenser with fliers with naked chicks on them? That's the true Nevada essence, right there.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Seriously, DeNae? Now I know that your real life WAS backordered, because this life? can NOT be real. Pretty soon I won't bat an eye when I read your next post about the time you went backstage with Lady Gaga and had a 30 minute chat about ancient Israeli forms of birth control, or the one about your Gulf-port cruise where you accidentally dropped the largest mug of Diet Coke ever and it fell to the bottom of the sea and plugged the oil spill . . . I'm telling you, truth is stranger than fiction. :)

Krista said...

I thought you said churro. Burro. I always smuggle in things that don't have expiration dates too.

Cheeseboy said...

Did Harry bring up his overweight dog he owned as a child? He is always boring me with those stories. Is that dog a secret service dog? I swear I can see his earpiece. And finally, is it me or is there a war on broccoli in this country? Didn't the first Bush hate broccoli? George Sr.? I swear, there is something more to this. Something deeper.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Wait they have onion rings at In n Out? How am I the last to know.

One Cluttered Brain said...

Oh my!
i can't stop laughing.

You are truly so funny. i gotta read this one to my husband. Really.

so sad for your cheese danish AND the chocolate bar. And those fat kids in the back row, oh MY.

So did you speak or did you just melt?
Just curious.

Hel said...

Being really tired and reading your post was on a par with taking really strong mind altering drugs, I couldn't tell what part of my life was real and what wasn't.

All of that greatness and do you know what photo I couldn't get past? The one with the CAAAAUUUTE shoes!!! pffft to Michelle Obama and her fat kids - I gotta get me some flats like that. I'll eat 20 snickers bars for them.

Becca said...


Lara said...

My kids love broccoli. They would eat it before they'd eat cookies. I am totally serious, not even joking. I don't know how it happened, either. They just love it.

And, it was 95 degrees here last week. HERE! I thought I was back in Phoenix, only it was worse, because my blood is thick now and there was 99% humidity. I don't envy you your heat, m'dear, that's for darn sure.

Mallory said...

My cankles are probably 5 times bigger than yours...and it's only 87 degrees here. But, that might have something to do with me being pregnant! Next time you get invited to a high class political shindig, maybe you should ask them to host it in Canada.

gigi said...

97* and Harry Reid? Just shoot me!

MommyJ said...

I will never, ever, ever live somewhere where 97 degrees is even an option. I'm stating that for the record.

Garden of Egan said...

I didn't see any news that said that you had been arrested by the security people. You obviously didn't rush Mrs. O did ya?

Oh, well, I would have hated having to go to Leavenworth to visit you.

Are you going to be normal now? You know, normal life like the rest of us?

Ya, probably not.

Kazzy said...

You. kill. me. Seriously. I read this aloud and even my 21 year-old pulled out his laptop and looked you up.

The cheese danish smuggled in under your blouse?

Those poor fat kids. LOL :(

MarieC said...

Another classic, DeNae! And, living in the Pacific NorthWET where it's Junuary with a forecast high of 59 degrees today, I envy every single degree of that Snickers-killing heat. And, one more thing: You do NOT have cankles. Trust me. Were I brave enough to post a picture of mine, you would understand!

M-Cat said...

Sissy loves broccoli And PLAIN! Not even with butter or that disgusting crap people call cheese sauce.
I can see that I have more brainwashing of my own to do to her!

Please tell me Michelle spit when she talked. I just need to know that she is human since everyone else pretty much thinks shes the bombdiggity.

Thanks for the laughs today - I needed them!

Kimberly said...

Yeah...I really want a churro now. And your shoes. I may come visit you JUST to steal your shoes.

Sher said...

First of all I'm just amazed that you are so famous that you actually got to go to something with those like famous political people. That's like totally awesome.

As one, who may or may not have been brainwashed to actually crave broccoli, I might just have to put out this disclaimer:
Is broccoli still considered healthy if its swimming in a pound of melted butter and salt?

Noelle said...

What a fabulously delightful post! As soon as I finished reading I opened up the snickers bar that's been in the fridge for weeks. :)

Just SO said...

Do you think that they'd let me in with the group of fat kids that they took? I seriously need to lose some poundage.

And now for a moment of silence for that poor defenseless Snickers bar that gave it's life to hear about how great broccoli is.

(thanks for letting me hang with you and Amber at the CBC.)

Wendy Ramer said...

I would be damn curious to see a post about those Secret Service guys. I'm sure you could do wonders with that! Thanks for cracking me up ;-)

DeNae said...

KP, I was distributing cards with my naked pic on it, but it wasn't generating the traditional Las Vegas response. Go figure some people.

Steph, Lady GaGa is Kristina's future BFF. It's only a matter of time.

No, Kim and Krista, there were no churros. Seriously, this was a no-preservatives-allowed event. Even the wild burros were free-range.

Yes, CB, GHWB disliked broccoli. In fact, I think he called it the "evil empire of produce". Something like that.

Nutty Hamster Chick, they no longer have onion rings at In/Out cuz the First Lady stuffed all of them into her camera bag.

No, Alexis, I didn't speak at this gig. Except when I was leading the fat kid insurrection.

Helen, I got my shoes at DSW, the only true and living shoe store on the earth today, I so testify.

Becca, what the heck? How did I come all the way to UT and not see you?

Lara, between you and me (everyone else, this is a secret, so no peeking) my kids adore broccoli, too. For that matter (serious confession time) so do I. I just think we should be allowed to exercise our agency in the consumption thereof.

Mallory, 87 degrees + pregnant = major sympathy from yours truly. Put your feet up, sweetie!

Gigi, I think Senator Reid is a very nice man, and he certainly said nothing the least bit offensive or even politically hay-making at this event. Although I suspect he endorses the force-feeding kids broccoli initiative.

Jenny, you are wise beyond your years.

Tauna, yes, my life will now recede to that degree of normality often associated with coma patients. The party's over for the year.

Kaz, I've been telling the 'shooting yourself with your iphone' story to anyone who will listen. YOU kill ME, sister!

Marie, the first year I lived in Seattle, we didn't see the sun in any incarnation until my birthday, June 17. But oh, how the Pacific Northwest does August!

Melissa, Mrs. Obama is beautiful and kinda spunky and cute, with the sort of sense of humor you and I would totally relate to. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. And enough with the campaign against cheese! What are you, a commie??

Sher, I'm not an amazing person. I just play one on the internet.

Noelle, I considered having my Snickers cryogenically frozen. Then I ate it. Just like we did with grandpa.

Shanna, I love you. You can hang with Amber and me any time you want! You're an honorary sister!

And Wendy, my husband is a federal agent, and he says the Secret Service is the most mind-numbingly dull job in the world, right up to the moment when it's terribly, terribly exciting.

AS Amber said...

Well great. I'm commenting after you which means I won't get a shout out. Poo.

That's what I get for coming late to the party. Sorry about your Snickers. And the 97 degrees in June. We won't see that for about 5 more weeks.

I wonder what would happen if you stuck a needle in your ankle. Would you go flying around the room as it deflated??

So proud of you for all these pictures!!

Braden said...

Ok, I am with you on this. We need to stop all these skinny people with well-toned arms. First they came for my danish....etc.

Those of us who are a little more full-figured need to stand up and run to the barricades. Liberte, Egalite, Fried Foods, etc.

And you are right about injuries--everyone I know who has a serious injury gets it while exercising! Never fails. Ever, ever.

Donna said...

I was upset to find out these two had been to my favorite place, I guess I will have to go to Redrock and perform an exorcism.
Brocoli indeed....

DeNae said...

Amber, sorry you won't be getting a shout-out here. Sorry I can't tell everyone to go over to Crash's blog and see the best picture taken of you EVER!

Braden, I was thinking of you when I was singing the show tunes of mass destruction.

Donna, you know I love you. Senator Reid's office has given me some neat opportunities despite my political neutrality, and I've appreciated it.

InkMom said...

It took me a full thirty seconds to figure out where Senator Reid's head was in that picture where he's hugging the first lady. His is completely camouflaged by the rock behind them and I was really disturbed for a spell.

AS Amber said...

Aw rats!!! No shout out.

That picture of me is pretty dang funny!

NatureGirl said...

All I have to say is....


LKP said...

i'm here thanks to all the race denae reviews i've gotten since the cbc. also i've seen your comments all over the place. and since tauna & the girls have pix floating around from last weekend, i figured i'd give ya a read.
you. are. hilarious.
sorry to hear about the fatalities of the day, both the cheese danish AND the snickers bar.
hope the cankles have recovered & that thursday is better than wednesday! =)

LKP said...

i meant RAVE denae reviews!

AJ said...

hahaha, that's funny! I think I found you at One Cluttered brain... maybe... or I found you on my sidebar... :) Great story!

Qait said...

I LOVE your imagination!
Oh, woops, I mean...um, your wonderful skills at narrating what is OBVIOUSLY your real life....
Truly, I love it. And my husband will love it--I'll make him read it.
We both love your blog!

wendy said...

I always knew you were cool ---hanging out with Ms. Obama and Lady Snowflake.
and I couldn't see the cankles really as I was coveting those cute shoes.
and I'd kill for 97 degrees about now as we are Urging the thermometer into the 60's.
and I KNEW , totally Knew there was a good reason to NOT do cunches. internal bleeding?????

seashmore said...

I feel like a terrible person. I had a bag of frozen broccoli as my lunch. In my defense: it was because I was too lazy to do anything except grab the bag out of the freezer on my way out the door.

And I haven't done crunches since I was forced to in elementary school gym class as part of, you guessed it, the President's Something or Other of Fitness.

Momza said...

you oughta print this out and send it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC.
I have a feeling you'd get a personal invite next time.

Mikki said...

They held this event outdoors? Here in Vegas? In June?
Gotta' say, I'm with Gigi on this one.

Eowyn said...

This was just what I needed tonight! You're awesome!