Thursday, May 20, 2010

I Do Already

I'm now marginally thinner, my hair is shorter and less damp, and I am currently not wearing an alpaca cape.
But otherwise, this is pretty much The Cute Boy Up The Street - who has hardly changed a lick - and me, 25 years into this marriage gig.

In case there was any doubt before, it is official:  My husband and I are thoroughly married.  All those years together, all those kids, those moves, those bills - mere hints.  On Tuesday, May 18, 2010, our union was consummated in what could only be described as an act of sublime intimacy.

It took place in a parking lot, at noon, with a fairly sizable matinee audience.  That's how we roll in Vegas, baby.

The Cute Boy Up The Street and I meet for lunch at least once a week.  Young moms, this is something you can look forward to when all the kids are in school.  It's beyond awesome.  We're both alert.  We're both dressed nicely.  And anyone in the vicinity under age 25 is only there to refill my Diet Coke.  I'm thinking of starting a religion where this is the definition of heaven.  Beats the whole "reincarnated as a dung beetle" model, hands down.

This particular Tuesday, after a delightful meal spent finishing sentences and planning family vacations without someone Facebooking the whole conversation on a status play-by-play --

"We're going to San Diego in August!" 
"Wait, now we're just going to Mesquite." 
"Never mind.  We're staying home and cleaning the garage." 
"I hate family vacations."

-- we were in the parking lot, saying our dewy farewells.

"What time do you think you'll be home tonight?"

"Depends. When does your last student leave?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing.  I just want to know if I need my white-noise headphones.  I left them in my gym bag."

"Have I mentioned lately that you suck?"

You know, that kind of flirting.

Then, in a gesture of tender familiarity, my husband reached his hand up to my cheek -- and took hold of a hair growing out of my 'beauty mark'. 

(Anyone caught translating that to 'mole' is asking for a good smack.)

"Ow!  Let go, dammit!  It's attached!"

"I know. It's long enough to be attached to your scalp." 


"Didja get it?"

"Nope. It's really anchored in there."

"Well, here," I said, reaching into my purse, "Use these tweezers."

I remind you we were in a restaurant parking lot. At lunchtime.

"Hang on, I can't see it clearly.  Turn more toward the sunlight." 

He took hold of my chin for traction, lined up the tweezers, and yanked.

"Eep!  Dang, I think I felt my gums separate."

"Yep.  You could tether the Queen Mary with that sucker.  Look at it!" 

We both examined the tweezers closely.

"Well, at least it's --"

"Hang on, there's another one on your neck." 

Traction, alignment, yank.

"OK, thank--"

"Wow. You've got a full-on grove here on your chin."  

yank, yank, yank

"All right, I can take it fro --"

"I don't think I can get them all.  They're like Ents.  Ha!  Look out, orks! DeNae's chin is gonna knock down your nasty old towers!"

"Yes, dear, you're terribly witty.  Give me the tweezers, please."

"We'll start calling you --"

"Watch it.  Any name ending in 'beard' earns you the privilege of sleeping in your car."

"Sorry.  At any rate, I don't have time to harvest all of those.  You'd better wax before we leave on our trip.  Don't want the other agents thinking I'm married to a guy."

"I know.  I'll take care of it tonight.  And honey?"


"I love you, too."


Garden of Egan said...

Oh. MY. HELK!!!!! You DID NOT just blog about the MOLE...I mean beauty mark hair!

You know that's true love when he's willing to pull them babys out for ya!

I think you should change the rating of this blog after all that marital intimacy!

I'm going to be checking the beauty mark out at the CBC.

Kristina P. said...

But did he give you a Hoff cake?

Kimberly said...

I once tweezed a hair out of my mole, yes MOLE - I ain't afraid of words! - that was nearly half an inch long. And I recently noticed my nostril hair needs pruning. I am way too young to be this old!

Wonder Woman said...

If that's what it takes to consummate a marriage, Superman and I have been there from the get go. He has a random hair that grows out of his forehead. I regularly tweeze it. And we've, uh, taken care of....."bacne."

Mallory said...

Hilarious, as always. (Does it get old when your readers always tell you how funny you are? No. Ok, I'll keep it up then!)

Oh, and Wonder Woman, loved the "bacne" comment!! That's a nightly ritual in my home! True love.

Karen said...

Wow. I've never even dated anyone long enough that they started acknowledging the possibility that there might be anything errant on my face beyond a kool-aid stain.

Kazzy said...

That's about the truest love I have ever heard of.

My husband comes at me with the tweezers, but only to ask me to pull foot long grey whiskers out of his eyebrows.

seashmore said...

I am completely jealous of both your talent and your master plucker.

Debbie said...

That is so romantic! I can't wait to see which one of you gives the other Milk of Magnesia first. True love like this is certainly inspirational (and oddly reminiscent of my own life).

Braden said...

Oh DeNae, I started reading this surreptitiously during our high council meeting. That was a bad idea besides being unrighteous. I now have a hole in my lip from biting it so hard. And I keep having to "sneeze" and "cough" to disguise my guffaws. Hilarious.

Brooke said...

I don't know what is more funny - this post, or the thought of some man trying to read this during a high council meeting. This is the only blog that I read BOTH for the fabulous posts and the equally fabulous comments.

M-Cat said...

I don't know what's funnier! Picturing your tweezing session in the parking lot or Braden reading this during high council meeting.

Only someone married as long as we have been can truly appreciate this!

Connie said...

Now THAT is true love!! I laughed out loud, realizing it hits awfully close to home. You know, it's hard to see those suckers!

Not June said...

Now that's true love!!

I can only hope to have as perfect a marriage as yours someday, but I do regularly tweeze my hubby's back hair.
He, on the other hand, had kindly chosen to ignore my pesky chin hairs.

Katherine said...

I thought that my husband and I had just reached a new level in our marriage. But this post has made me realize that we've only just begun. There is still so much closeness to be had.

Melanie said...

Wow, I can't believe you blogged about this. Not because it's shocking, it is intimate, and FREAKING HILARIOUS! We've only been married 12 years but I think we've got this part DOWN, love real love!

Corinne said...

So I tell you to write a post about me, and naturally, you write one about dad.



Lara said...

Laughing so hard I'm crying. This is hilarious!!!

I'm not afraid to admit that I have more than one "beauty mark" on my face that sprouts hair that is several inches long if I don't take care of it.

And my husband loves me regardless. Thank goodness, because I've lost my tweezers. (See how much smarter than me you are? You carry them in your purse!!!)

Cheeseboy said...

100% pure romance.

Having been a man that recently had his nose hair waxed... OUCH!

1,000,000 bonus points for referencing Lord of the Rings.

Noelle said...

I'm dying over here in my office...laughing out loud ... and with tears...

I stopped by from Cheeseboy's blog but I'll be back!!!

Melanie J said...

Wow. Then I'm HCM. Hard Core Married. And I'll never publicly confess who has a giant hair that grows out of her, er, they're neck.

Hel said...

We don't do it in the public carpark yet, but we do do it in the bedroom. ;D.

I know my husband truly loves me when he picks up the tweezers and goes for my chin.

Denae, you had me cracking up. love it.

Wendy Ramer said...

Thanks for cracking me up on this Friday morning. Ain't love grand!

becca said...

Exceptional awesomeness. Also, MY alpaca cape is black and red. Very chic.

InkMom said...

I laughed and had a comment about your post, but, honestly, you were slightly upstaged by Mr. High Council Blog Reader, and I laughed even harder about that.

(And also? My husband jokingly refers to partner grooming as foreplay. Jokingly, I said! Jokingly!)

Jennifer Hales said...

Just found your blog and spent the last hour reading. You are hillarious and so real (either that or you have a very creative psuedo-life)!

Rebecca said...

So funny!! Thanks for making my day better! I hope to one day trust my hubbie with tweezers! (I never thought to carry them in my!)
And I wish I had a laptop so I could read you during meetings...

tammy said...

And that, is true love.

Good idea on keeping tweezers in the purse. There is a hair on my husband's nose that I only notice when we're driving in the car and the sun hits it just right.

lori said...

That was hilarious - I laughed out loud! That's definitely true love!

Amber Lynae said...

I don't think my husband has groomed my beauty mark, or chin (although they are already sprouting offensive hairs). However, we are only seven years into our marriage. I guess we have a a couple more decades. On the other hand I have been grooming his unibrow since ab out 7 minutes or less into our marriage.

L.T. Elliot said...

Oh DeNae, only you can make mole-hair-tweezing romantic. ;) Thank God for you. Really. I need to spend way more time with you.

AS Amber said...

Oh my heck, too funny!! Tavis and I are still rookies. We just had our 4th anniversary, though. However I did have my girlfriend yank a hair outa my chin yesterday so what does that mean??

Such a cute picture of you two! Love it!!! Can't wait to see you this coming weekend! Be prepared to have an Amber-shaped growth on your back at CBC!!

Love you!

AS Amber said...

Now I'd like to have a post about Cori, please.

Soozcat said...

At least it's your hubby.

In this household, my teenage niece is the one chasing after me with tweezers. She regards the "fuzzies" as her own personal property, to harvest as the whim dictates.

Hmph. It's high time I made an appointment for some electrolysis.

Charlotte said...

I now know what is missing in my life. Why am I not carrying tweezers in my purse? Um, not that I need them or anything.

Not to mention the need for white noise ear phones. You guys have thought of all the essentials for lasing into eternity.

Nothing says true love like trying to convince your spouse to let you pluck hair or pop zits (especially in public).

Braden said...

Apparently I mistyped. I meant to say, I was reading this blog at home on my own time. In a strange coincidence, it came across as "high council meeting." Not sure how that happened but I've asked Blogger to fix their software. Really, the thought of anyone doing such a thing as reading a blog during high council meeting.

shari said...

I found your blog through another blogger. I can see you have quite the following from all the comments left but just want to say thanks for the laugh. I was at work and totally laughing out LOUD. You made my day :)

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

Sigh, one day I hope to find such a deep love, that I'll have a husband willing to pull the hairs out of my beauty mark.