Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Jack Bauer's a Sissy

My husband is getting a Master's Degree. So what? You ask. Well, honestly, don't you think that's a little snarky? It's my blog; I can talk about whatever I want. And today we're talking about my husband's new-found life as an academic.

Besides, I'm pretty sure you're just jealous that YOUR husband isn't getting the Master's Degree MY husband is getting. And you should be, cuz it's really cool. It's a Master's of Criminology.

But it's his specialty that is the cool part: Weapons of Mass Destruction.

That's right, all you nuclear capability wannabees, there's a new sheriff in town. And anyone thinking about launching a WMD against Las Vegas had better know, if you don't file the proper paperwork and get the appropriate permits, my man will be all OVER your sorry, crazy-person grass. Don't think he won't.

The thing is, he wasn't always this, you know, this guy. When we were growing up, he was mostly "the cute boy up the street who didn't act like a complete spam-brain at the youth activities". As you might imagine, there weren't many of them; he kinda stood out. He was reserved and nice and normal.

I, on the other hand, came from a long line of spam-brains, which meant I stood out, too, in much the same way that a giant zit or Roseanne Barr 'stands out'. Not always your first choice for company, but difficult to miss.

To this day I couldn't tell you why he married me. He's had two CAT scans and has seen an exorcist, and no one can come up with an explanation. The guy is totally nuts for me. Go figure love.

Anyway, we both attended the University of Utah, where I obtained a BA in Hating College and he earned far more practical degrees in Accounting and Finance.

You read that right. He'll have a Bachelor's in Accounting, and a Master's in Weapons of Mass Destruction. Bin Laden, eat your heart out.

How many terrorists do you know who can wipe out a major city and then figure out how to write it off on their taxes, hmm? NONE, that's how many. Think Saddam had a Master's in WMD? Pfft. As if. Why do you think Osama Bin Loser is hiding out? He's freaking embarrassed to share the same planet as my highly credentialed husband!

"Um, sir, Mr. Bin Hasbin, sir? Why do you hang your head in shame?" his stinky minions ask. "Is it because none of us have washed our hair or brushed our teeth in nine years?" And he says, "Well, that does sometimes get me down. But the real problem is that the glorious jihad against the harlot nation of infidel swine-pigs was moving along nicely until Special Agent DeNae's Secret Husband got that ...sniff...got...gulp... that MWMD! ...sob, sob, blow nose on rocket launcher... Now, I think maybe I should just bag it all and sell Avon or something."

Well, too late, you swammy-headed fruitcake! He's OFFICIAL now! His textbooks arrived today via - who else? - Federal Express, and while I only glimpsed a couple of titles before the disappearing ink kicked in (and I'm wondering if perhaps they ought to re-think that particular feature), what I saw looked pretty darn MENACING!

"If You Give a Psychopath Enriched Uranium" and "Goodbye, Moon" were just the pre-reading materials, for crying out loud! I hate to think what his group projects will entail. It's never a good thing when the packing list from the college includes "giant lead ball gown and beekeeper's hat". We're definitely going to have to swing by Wal Mart on our way to the bus station.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you all how proud I am of The Husband Formerly Known as Accountant. Considering that this is a man who is so even-tempered and self-disciplined he once described his involvement in a drug raid as "opening a can of whoop-bummy on them" because his kids were in the room, I can pretty much guarantee: The world's loonies will never see him coming.

And you can bet, once he's rounded up those rustlers and tossed 'em in the big house, he'll find a way to claim every single one of them as a dependent on the ol' 1040A.

Sigh. My hero.

41 comments:

Happy Mom said...

Chortle! You make my day!

Becca said...

SuperHusbands = Awesome. I love to hear you sing his praises.

Braden said...

Awesome post--hilarious, as usual, and very sweet. It's really cool to see women who like their husbands and don't mind saying so publicly.

Whoop-bummy may now be my word at school when kids need a little discipline.

Kazzy said...

He does sound like a hero. And behind every hero man is a funny, essayist woman.

You are a hoot.

Jessica said...

It is funny the things that make us so very proud. I am proud to say that my husband is expert qualified on the M-16. He is also a stud with the bayonet, but isn't everyone?

Karilyn said...

and I adore Jack Bauer!!!

*chuckle*

Your title is great, your writing is awesome (and I hate that word, it's SO over-used, but in this case, it truly fits!!),

your thoughts are wonderful, and thank you, thank you, thank you~

just explain one thing, if you can: what' a repunonc?? (that's the word verification I have to spell out in order to leave my 'Howdy!' for you here~)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Yep, you've got yourself a real American Hero. "Whoop-bummy" is the proof. Just a word of warning: I think that the big eye-in-the-sky guys get a little nervous when people order Fed-ex boxes full of WMD books. All your phone calls might be recorded. Just sayin'.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Ha ha ha! That was pretty sweet. Totally make my day.

Oh, would you mind sending Mr. Super-whoop-bummy my way to take care of the peeping tom around here? And it would be okay if he wanted to use some WMD on the guy's house.

I don't think anyone would mind.

Thanks.

Kristina P. said...

Did you just call Jack Bauer a sissy?

I can't get past my anger to read anything else.

Migillicutty said...

Mr. Bin Hasbin... teeheee...

Wonder Woman said...

There's a master's program for this?

Shock. Awe.

Garden of Egan said...

Wow! The supa-hero! I can see it now........Bin Laden by the short hairs in the grasp of DeNae's hero! Awesome!
Congrats on that by the way.
But.....
speaking of WMD......
have you seen me cook?
Seriously ..... he's got some competition.
HA Verification word:
bummalol

East of Eden said...

I about fell on the floor with this post today!

My husband does have a masters degree, and does work with nuclear weapons.

HAHAHAHA!! :)

Rebecca said...

Oh, my. How do you do it? You make me laugh every single time I read your posts!

This was both hysterically funny and romantic. Be careful, the government may swipe him as their Secret Weapon. Nothing like a nice, normal-looking guy who can open up a can on the bad dudes while saving taxpayer money at the same time.

You and your husband are the bomb. Well, at least until he learns how to diffuse them.

Uptown Girl said...

I aspire to find a man like yours. He would really need to stand out from the pack, know how to do my taxes, and kick Bin Ladin's bummy.
You are hilarious and I love you!

AS Amber said...

I love it when you post about Romeo! So exciting! Do you know what kind of fury you're going to bring out in people with this title? KP is mild, I'm sure. I'm gonna go google jack bauer is a sissy & see if your post comes up!

And I love watching Tavis run his equipment. Makes me all giddy inside. It's fun being proud of your man!

M-Cat said...

Laughing so hard that peanut butter is coming out of my nose!

Donna Tagliaferri said...

so funny...I loved it. Glad to see you are well!!

Beka said...

I feel so much safer now! Have you noticed the massive amounts of morons lately...I'm not even talking about Michael Jackson either! People are just wacky these days! Knowing that it's your husband on the job gives me comfort.

PS: WV: dusemud. Do you?
-so excited I finally got one I could figure out!

Sharon said...

Nobody talks about Jack Bauer like that and lives past 24 hours - just so you know.

Sher said...

You are totally married to the dude we watch in the movies. That's so awesome.
My hubby majored in criminology with the intent of going to law school before he decided he loved the company he worked for and saw a future there. He was right. I'm glad he made that choice.

Kimberly said...

And not the least of items on the long tally of his wonderfulness is giving you something so dang deliciously funny to blog about!

Marian said...

Whoop-bummy .... hahaha. Another fantastically funny post. Thanks.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Ha ha ha. Great story and hilarious post! Sounds like a pretty cool hubby! :-)

L.T. Elliot said...

"If You Give a Psychopath Enriched Uranium" and "Goodbye, Moon" were just the pre-reading materials

ROFLMAO! Seriously, DeNae. You want me to die of laughter, yes? Well, you shouldn't because I'm a big fan. ;)

There's no denying your hubby's uber-coolness. Ninja-like reflexes, the brain of Einstein on crack, and a check register that calculators can only envy. ;)

Lara said...

I was all prepared to come in here with guns (WMDs?) blazing and defend Jack to the death.

But, you're right.

He is nothing compared to your husband.

Just ME the MOM said...

Sounds like fodder for a great novel - have you considered writing your memoirs :) Ha! Something along the lines of Jason Bourne - meets Precious Ramotswe . . .

Kristin

MommyJ said...

You are so funny. My husband's degree has absolutely nothing to do with what his job actually is. Funny how that worked out. I had no idea that a masters degree in weapons of mass destruction even existed... but perhaps with all that disappearing ink it really doesn't.

Or does it...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! Your hub makes Jack Bauer look like a sissy? Is that what you're saying? Wow! My palms are getting all sweaty.

Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would LUB Twilight because being that your hub can't figure out why he loves you, he just does, YOU are the perfect Bella.

HA! Admit, I've got you there, girlfriend. You can't hold out for much longer.

So, do you ever get sick to death of revision. And it sucks the life out of what you thought was fresh prose and then you start second guessing yourself?

DeNae said...

Yes, Crash. I currently hate my novel's everlovin' guts.

Karen said...

DeNae, I love you.

And I absolutely LOVE living in a country where you can get a DEGREE in Weapons of Mass Destruction. God Bless America!

Wendy said...

I'd like to see how whoop-bummy answers the door when dates arrive for your daughters! I know mine has a shovel in one hand, a Remington in the other and a Glock in his waistband!

Lisa Loo said...

Seems like you single-handedly revolutionized the dictionary with your "whoop-bummy". How does it feel?

We should get our hubbies together sometime--see if your man has any skillz when faced with............

"The Ninja Fencer"

who has a degree in Electronics or some other such nonsense.

Did I ever mention that you LITERALLY revolutionized my life?!

I had ABSOLUTELY no idea that it wasn't a 27" computer screen that I needed--but the control scroll combo on my keyboard. Every single time I hit that I think of you and take a moment of silence on my knees for your great wisdom and complete unselfish sharing of it.

YOU.ARE.MY.HERO.
I will stalk you till I die.....

Shelley said...

It's hard to know what to say other than I just chuckle every time I read a post of yours!
I say WOOOO WOOOO for your honey!

(And can I just say I'll never enter another "word verification" without thinking of you)

lori said...

"Whoop-bummy" I love it! This made me laugh. And how sweet to give a shout out to hubby.

veronica said...

"Goodbye Moon", I've read that one. I think the subtitle is, "also Goodbye Jupiter, Goodbye Mars, but lucky you, you get to keep Uranus".

wendy said...

wow, that's quite a tax deduction.
A masters in criminology is impressive!!!!
I watch all the CSI shows, that should give me some "credits" towards said Master.
Does hubby wear black suits with dark navey blue shirt and white stripes like Horatio???
Is he incredibly sexy like Delco??

A Masters in W of MD is much more exciting then Accounting.
And whereas when you were in college and majored in Hate College
I majored in Sluff

HalfAsstic.com said...

I am laughing my ass off! You are too funny! Hey, whatever it takes to get a tax break!

Cheeseboy said...

Okay, after reading one post, your blog is officially a favorite of mine. I am a spam brain though... not sure if it would appeal to me otherwise.

Hilarious. I'll be back.

Gma Lores said...

This is amazing. I'm laughing while my husband is across the room not understanding what's so funny. He'd never get it if I tried to explain it to him. Toooo Funny! Can you move to my ward? We need WMD trained accountants in Kansas. We're by a military base and they're holding "live fire" practices. Could it be WMD tax forms being blown up just miles from us?

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

And you are my hero. How do you do it, write so effortlessly and funny and sincere all at the same time? How is the book coming?