Monday, March 8, 2010

Is That Bad?

Normally I'm not a fan of those blog posts where people can anonymously confess all their wicked ways, if for no other reason than the anonymity prevents me from starting a club. If folks'd just own up to cleaning the bathroom only after the scum around the tub begins shouting a cheery "Hello" in the morning, then we fellow travelers wouldn't feel so lonely.

So today I offer for your consideration my "Is That Bad?" list, signed, sealed, and completely attributed to me and me alone. These items come in no particular order or degree of debauchery. I don't talk about the "s" word that rhymes with "sex", so you don't need to worry about being embarrassed. Grossed out, disappointed, nauseated - possibly. Embarrassed? Naaaaa.

1: I had onion rings and Diet Coke for breakfast this morning. I can NOT for the life of me figure out why this lap band isn't working like it should.

2: I spent most of Saturday morning hating every single Mormon on the face of the earth who has ever felt the need to eat in the chapel. Seriously, people. You live 10 minutes from the building. Is it really necessary to bring lunch to Sacrament Meeting? And what's with the amnesia that overwhelms you the second your kids have polished off the fruit snacks? Unlike manna, gummy toads or whatever the hell kids are eating these days come in wrappers. WRAPPERS! Wrappers which do not evaporate or skulk off to another dimension or walk themselves to the nearest waste basket when they're empty.

If the church in your area has not yet begun the practice of having the building cleaned by members instead of full-time custodians, you should know that it's coming. Going a few rounds with that vacuum cleaner between all the pews will cure you of picnicking in the chapel.

3: Since I began blogging 14 months ago, I have never started a load of laundry or emptied the dishwasher before checking in with blogland. I do those things eventually. But they're never first.

4: I didn't see a single one of the movies nominated for Academy Awards. I'm actually very proud of this.

5: I once asked my Relief Society president how an active member of the church goes about being added to the Visiting Teaching "Do Not Contact" list. In case you're wondering what the answer was, I'll just tell you that the Relief Society president is now my Visiting Teacher.

6: I have been known to say that it's a sin to be boring. Look, if alcoholism is a disease, then cornering me at the library and droning on about how you're filing your taxes this year using form WGX-9000 because it allows you to deduct tapioca pudding as a business expense is a sin. Repent.

7: I also learned on Saturday morning that I feel bitter when a six-year old - who has come to the church to play basketball with her daddy - takes a drink out of a stainless steel fountain I've just spent 20 minutes polishing.

8: And another thing I discovered is that daddies waaay overreact when you hold their kid's head under the water until she promises to bring a paper towel next time. Sheesh.

9: I tell my son, every single day of his life, that he's a dork. I regret nothing.

10: I cheated on a Music History exam in Dr. Miller's class my Junior year of college. My karma being the sociopath that it is, I chose as my "resource" the only girl in the class who had attended fewer times that semester than I had. Dr. Miller caught us, of course. (You'd think that by age 20 I would have learned the perilous meaning of the word "verbatim".) He called us on it, and we both lied our butts clean off. He was a good and decent man, and gave us both Ds instead of the Cs we might have earned otherwise. She might have earned, I mean. I was just along for the ride. To this day I wonder why she didn't push me down the stairs of Kingsbury Hall on our way out of his office.

11: Three years ago, I took the Las Vegas Mormon Youth Symphony and Chorus to Salt Lake City, and while the kids toured Peter Prier's violin making school, I dropped in on Dr. Ed Thompson, who was working on a project at the U of U music library. It so happened he was working with -- of all people -- Dr. Miller. And I confessed my sins and begged his forgiveness and told him that if he wanted, I would retake every test from both years of Music History.

And here's the crazy thing: He remembered the incident, twenty years later, and told me he'd been very disappointed that I had first cheated and then lied. Can I tell you, that absolutely killed me. Dead. It would have been a thousand times better if he had just failed me when he had the chance. You know, maybe he knew that, too.

I think he's one of the best people on earth. And I bet he never eats in church.

12: I once faked a broken leg to get out of going to work. Yeah, that's thinking ahead. I couldn't say "sprained", right? At least then I could have wrapped it myself and hobbled around the bank for a few days. No, I said, "broken". Like my boss wouldn't notice the marked absence of a cast when I came in the next morning. I'm beginning to understand the difficulties my karma has in keeping up with me.

13: Speaking of Dr. Thompson, a couple of April conferences ago I saw him on T.V. conducting the Tabernacle Choir. And he looked so joyful to be back in his element that it just filled my heart to overflowing with happiness for him.

So I texted him. Right then and there. While he was waving that baton, I was texting, "You look great! If you smile any bigger I'm afraid your jaw will unhinge and the top of your head will snap off!"

And, I am not even kidding, three speakers later, Dallin H. Oaks got up and rebuked people who text in church. I hate my karma's freaking guts.

14: I haven't made my bed since the Reagan administration. Wait. That was in high school. Carter? Nope, Jr. High. Wasn't making my bed then, either. Ford? Nixon? Criminy, Johnson?

15: Apparently, I never make my bed.

16: I went four straight years doing the exact same thing every morning: Get up, use the potty, stand on the scale, mutter "sh*t", put on my robe, and start my day. Four years. That's gotta be some kind of record.

Things have improved significantly since I got rid of my scale. Now I don't say "sh*t" until I get downstairs and take in my kids' version of "doing the dishes".

17: On Saturday morning I gained a sure and everlasting witness that the single greatest invention in the history of forever and always is the self-flushing urinal.

Is that bad?


Lacy said...

I want to be added as an active member to the "do not visit" list, but I don't want the RS prez. visiting me either so I guess I will just keep dodging my visiting teachers and telling them to count me every month anyway.

Geesh, I'm first and that has to bed the longest run-on sentence this week :)

Kristina P. said...

I don't make the bed either. I barely make it when putting on clean sheets. I just throw them on!

And I like the broken leg shenanigans.

Kimberly said...

I hadn't seen half the Oscar nominated movies and hadn't even heard of the other half.

And I only make my bed when my mom comes to visit - which is all kinds of sick and wrong.

Happy Mom said...

My fav's from this post?

#1 That you never make your bed! Yippie!! I am NOT the only person on the planet!!! (you have validated me in very important ways)

#2. I haven't seen a single of this years oscar movies either (and I'm just as proud!)

#3 That you texted the person conducting in general conference just minutes before Elder Oaks rebuked members for texting in church! That's classic!

Brooke said...

#2. We've been cleaning our ward building for about 2 years now, and I totally agree with your assessment. However, I still can't seem to make it through an entire sacrament meeting without my Cheerios fix. Hey, I was born & raised in the church. Cheerios during sacrament meeting help me feel the spirit. (Don't even ask what I bring in the pockets of my temple dress . . .) :-)

#4. I don't even know what movies were nominated for the Academy Awards. If it isn't animated or created by Pixar, I probably haven't heard of it.

#5. Jessica & I first bonded over our feelings about the whole visiting teaching program - namely, it is for women who either (1) can't make friends on their own or (2) have way too much spare time on their hands. I always try to tell my visiting teachers that they if they just drop off an occassional plate of cookies on my front door, I'll swear before the bar of God that they fully magnified their calling. So far, no takers.

#13. As with most commandments, I think there is a certain level of gray area. For example, when your husband and son are sitting on the stand during the Youth Sacrament Meeting Program, and they think they are shielded behind the piano but in actuality the entire congregation can see them screwing around and making fun of the poor Deacon who is trying to give his talk, I think it is perfectly acceptable to send a scathing text to tell them to KNOCK IT OFF.

Garden of Egan said...

Shut up!!! You did not text him while he was leading!!!!! You rock! I hope you held the kids head under the water long enough to do some good. Uhm you dont have the market on the scale thing. A swear word is always a great way to invite the spirit.
As for makes you wonder if the church is true when you have to clean up after swine.

Karen said...

I have totally done something similar to the broken leg one. Involved crutches and everything. Sixth grade was an awkward year for me.

Cherie said...

LOL! I think we are soul sisters - seriously! I may have to do a post like this in the future - it seems so freeing - LOL!

#5 about Visiting Teaching...Most HILARIOUS thing ever!!! We would make great companions - we'd have lots of free time.

wendy said...

Those were sinfully good.
maybe the onion rings are bad--BUT HEY, DIET COKE WON'T HURT ANYONE
I say Sheeezit when I step on the scales too. And it just answers back, get the hell off of me lard-0.

You don't?? make your bed. I can't sleep in an unmade bed. So lucky for you, you'll never find me in your bed.

isn't texting during church more REVERANT??

Sandi said...

haha you are just so dang funny :)

erin said...

I am a blurker...but had to let you know I just about peed my pants laughing while reading your post. Mostly because it is SOO true! Thanks for giving me a smile for the rest of my day!!

Kazzy said...

Where, oh where, to begin?

I had Girl Scout Cookies (Thin Mints) for lunch. About ten of 'em.

The eating in church thing has always bugged me too. Sheesh. Maybe a snack bar in the kitchen between classes? It could also serve as a fundraiser for the YW trying to earn camp money.

That Dr. Miller experience is rotten. After all of those years couldn't he have just said it was over and to not beat yourself up.

And scales of evil, evil things that make us swear. So I say getting rid of it was medicine for the soul.

MarieC said...

I just about died laughing reading this! My 13-year-old son actually got up and came into the room to see what was making me laugh so hard.

Totally agree--I would gladly go on the "do not visit" list. I hadn't seen any of the movies up for best picture, either. And, I never make my bed in the a.m. because my hubby is still in it when I leave for work. (It's good to be the King.)

NatureGirl said...

Today, I love you.

L.T. Elliot said...

I never make my bed either. Unless I'm having a house appraisal. And I've only had one of those. And my husband made the bed. ;) said...

No dear. You are pure genius to keep your karma struggling so hard to catch up with you. Eventually? It'll tire and give up! Or is that just wishful thinking?

Katherine said...

Once again, hilarious.

While I may have seen some of the movies nominated at the Oscars, I for one, have never watched the Oscars. And I'm proud of that.

Wonder Woman said...

Absolutely HILARIOUS that you texted your teacher then Elder Oaks talked about texting in church. I remember that talk.

I love your confessions.

Amber Lynae said...

I make my bed about 10 times a year on random days. but I'm with Kristina P it normally isn't even when I clean the sheets.

I was the visiting teaching coordinator for 18 months. For 18 months our ward's visiting didn't get reported. Is that bad?? (I did have two callings so it made it more difficult but had it been just the one I'm not sure the results would have been different).

I can't fake sick without karma smacking down on me with a sickness I curse myself for causing.

Great post DeNae. I think we should be blisters= blog sisters.

Shelley said...

I only stop by once in a while, but it never fails how much you entertain me.
By the way, this time around:

parma - too tired too define it, sorry.

InkMom said...

2. The fruit snacks are mine. (Don't judge, I'm breastfeeding and ALWAYS hungry!) But my scripture case is full of about 17 empty wrappers so that part's not my fault.

3. Sometimes I check-in with people I don't know before I feed my children breakfast. No worries, they'll fend for themselves by using adult-sized kitchen shears to open up and consume an entire bag of chocolate chips, so it's really no big deal.

4. You should see "Up" even though it's a cartoon. It made my husband cry, but don't tell him I told you.

5. Henceforth and forever, amen and AMEN.

9. Dork is now, has always been, and forever will be, a term of endearment in our family. In fact, dorkiness was one of the characteristics that first attracted me to my husband. And he never fails to disappoint. (But then, neither do I. Although I think I'm more on the nerdy end of the un-cool spectrum.)

12. My sister-in-law once enbellished a minor foot injury into a major, must-ride-in-a-wheelchair, big deal so that we could skip to the front of ALL of the lines at DisneyLand. This was before we had children. This was when we actually were the children. And you know what else? IT WORKED!

(I don't know why I felt so compelled to respond to so many of your confessions. I think the operative word is compelled, and there's a post of its own being formulated in my subconscious even as we speak . . .)

Melanie said...

A bishop in our stake had to chastise his ward because he saw, LITERALLY from the stand a family making PB sandwiches during the meeting, loaf of bread, jar of PB and jam, seriously people!! AND you all should feel horrible for not letting your VT do their jobs, sorry, I'm of that mindset, I've been needed before.

InkMom said...

eMbellished. I can spell. (Nerd, remember?)

Stacy said...

This might very well be the funniest thing I've ever read.

1- I had chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. A friend brought them to me yesterday because I was sick, so I was eating them to help me heal.

3- Doesn't everyone do this? I mean, really. You are much more interesting than laundry.

5- I've thought about asking that very question. I could write a whole post about my dislike of having visiting teachers. Quick story: once my visiting teachers found out I had just had a miscarraige. Their response? "At least you have nice couches." No joke. But I really don't want the RS president to come visit me either...

10&11: I took music history from Dr Miller too- it was a survey of 20th century music. My husband and I got married that year, and I remember nothing about it. Ditto for orchestration with Dr Wolking, and just about every class I ever took from Dr Rourke... And I can totally see him doing that.

16: Yesterday, my girls said s**t at the dinner table without even cracking a smile. My husband tried to reprimand them, then my oldest said, "But Dad, you say it all the time" (At least they didn't point their fingers at me!)

Oh, and my husband read your blog tonight, and when I told him how old your kids were, he looked at your picture and said "There's no way. She must have started really young!"

And now, this comment is longer than my last two blog posts put together.

AS Amber said...

I remember that part of conference when the Tab Choir hit that weird note! Musta been when their conductor was checking his text...

I thought you'd mended your bed-making ways after dad died! I don't judge, though. I never make mine either.

And I had fruit snacks in my purse on Sunday (for Harley, of course!) and I wanted to eat them so bad in RS but didn't dare 'cause it was Fast Sunday.

WV: phantin. You had a phantin broken leg and couldn't go to work.

Rebecca said...

I love #6. Bwaaahaaaa.

The only Oscar-nominated move I saw was "Up". Dumb movie. I love it, but Pixar always makes me cry at some point in their stupid movies.

(Stupid actually = awesome, beautiful, and heartfelt.)

The Damsel In DisDress said...

Thot of you today while teaching piano. I've got this student, see, that I need to ship off to you. I've been teaching for 30+ years (oh my GOSH I can't believe that) and thought I'd seen it all. I think parcel post would suit the situation nicely. He should be properly humble by the time he reaches you.

Beka said...

I am the RS secretary, and I make all the changes in our ward. When I graciously offered to give up my VTs because others needed them worse than I did, it was not without a little reverse psycology...

damn the karma though. After the pres looked at me with discontent, I got the most faithful by-the-15th-of-the-monthers ever!

genius as usual!

MommyJ said...

I had Oreo Cakesters for lunch. But more distressing is what I ate yesterday, throughout the entire day. Does pregnant really justify chasing three tacos and a large Pepsi with two glazed donuts, half a bag of robin eggs and three handfuls of jelly beans?

I normally do make my bed. Sometimes I make it right before I get in it. Because it makes me crazy to get in an unmade bed. But then, I'm in inkmom's family which means I am absolutely a dork.

I cheated in high school once... and felt so bad, I went and confessed three days later. It was in Spanish... my little tiny Senor of a professor looked at me and said, "Everyone cheats in my class. No matter." I STILL felt bad for cheating because I didn't want to be like everyone else. But I at least felt better for having told him.

You should see The Blindside. It was really good.

Annette Lyon said...

Feeling physically crappy right now--and was within an inch of just clearing out my Reader because it had so many dang unread posts--but I'm so glad I stopped by.

SO needed a good does of DeNae laughter.

(That texting story killed me!)

East of Eden said...

I apprecaited this post on many levels.

First, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who would like to get out of being visit taught. The program does nothing for me.

Second, I'm no fan of members cleaning the does not get clean. I'm fully willing to pay extra to hire someone. Look that's job creation right there!

Finally, I didn't see any of the oscar movies either. In fact, we forgot they were even on and went to sleep 15 mins into the program.

Jessica said...

I am the VT of a lady who said, "Don't want to offend, and I've done that in the past, but I am trying to tell you I don't want you to ever come over." SWEET! This is a lady who comes to church every week and teaches Sunbeams.

I have had my fair share of Karma Crashes! I once lied that I couldn't go to work (Lagoon) because I got in a car crash. I even went to a pay phone to call it in. Next thing I know, I am stung by a bee on my forehead and it swells terribly. I looked just like I'd banged my head in a crash. I thought that it was great, and added so much to my story. :) Karma is getting me and my boredom most right now.

JennyMac said...

You can call your son dork all you want. Just don't call me dork, Ok?

And the s word that rhymes with sex? HAHA..I decoded your puzzle. I knew it was Shlex the whole time.

Shantel said...

If that is your worse. Then I am in trouble.
However, my husbands family were janitors for the church while he was growing up - and even with five smallish children - we never eat in church. He has threaten violence over that. Seriously. o.k. maybe not. But he might.

Lara said...

I've only seen UP. And I've only seen part of it because I simply don't watch movies.

Making beds is overrated. And texting in church is a necessary evil sometimes. Even though I don't really know how to text.

And if you ever find out how to be on the do not contact list, I'd like to know. (Actually, I really like my visiting teachers right now...but in the past I'd have done anything to be on the list.)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

We picnic at church (baggies of golfish crackers or something like that), but I always go get the little sweeper and clean up if we made a mess... or if I need an excuse to miss part of gospel doctrine. Which of COURSE I have repented of since your post about that.

Becca said...

You make me laugh. And also, I'd love to steal this for my blog, but it would pale, seeing as I'm less than 10% as funny as you. *sigh*

BUT: I make my bed Every Single Day. Does that put me on the list of Women of Character? (Oh, I hope so. It's the only thing that could possibly get me there.) Except for the part about WHY I make it - so it will be crisp when I slink back in there after lunch...

Braden said...

I am also proud that I saw none of those movies! Want to start a club?

I love the stories you told about your teachers. It gives me hope, being a teacher.

By the way, your game with the WV is analogous to hearing a song that gets in your head and you can't get it out. EVERY post I make on EVERY blog now has me thinking about what the WV might mean.

Sarah said...

I used to be in charge of finding people to clean our ward building... worse calling EVER! That meant that I was there cleaning almost every week, yep thats right... it sucks!

Smith Family said...

Just move to the "mission field" and 90% sure you won't have a VT problem anymore...

Rebecca said...

Funny and true as always, DaNae. I always thought dork was a term of endearment and I am always proud to not watch the Oscars, but you really have to watch The Blindside, it was the best!

charrette said...

#4 - You totally need to see The Blind Side and Up.

#6 - DITTO. My pettest of all pet peeves! (I once read a book that said being insensitive to other people's time is a form of STEALING.)

#15 - Me neither.

#16 - You are far more righteous than I. I usually mutter some form of sh*t right when the alarm clock goes off!

I also love your music school crimes and confessions.

Missing you -- xo!

AS Amber said...

I just really need to give a shout-out to my visiting teachers! I love them! And I love it when they come. (I do not, however love it when I puke on my front porch while they're there.)

That being said...I freaking HATE going VTing. Hate it! Loathe it! I don't particularly care for two of the three gals I visit. Is THAT bad? I don't like 'em. I don't like their kids or their dogs.

And I loved watching the Oscar's! I rented Precious tonight but didn't watch it bc it's R and my cute niece is in town :)

And not only do I text in church (where'd I get that from????) but I also fabebooked in church this past week.

Ok I'm done.

tammy said...

I want onion rings and d.c.

Food has been banned from our chapel. I think that's a good thing. Especially after seeing someone bring peanut butter sandwiches.

#5 made me laugh. Actually they all made me laugh. But the bed thing? My bed HAS to be made before I will sleep in it. I'll even make it just to climb into it. Everything has to be properly fluffed. Yes, I am high maintenance when it comes to some things.

That Girl said...

Diagnosis: NO.

You're making people feel all kinds of good for being all kinds of normal.

I like you and stuff.

M-Cat said...

Totally got on the RS list of people to visit and I didn't even ask to be put on the do not contact list. I just never answered the phone and dodged the poor biddy who was supposed to visit me.

A urinal is the only way to go.

My shotgun seat on the bus to hell is secure since I sneak in snacks for Sissy. Crap, I didn't think about the whole "eating in the chapel" thing, I was just trying to shut her up. Might rethink that one.

Donna Tagliaferri said...

my favorite swear word is b****stard...I love it, I say it waaaaay too much. This morning during a visit with a new sister I actually said it...I am the relief society president...
I would visit you...and find a way to force you to like it.