Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Questionable Sources

So, yesterday I put up this post as the latest installment of what has turned into the epic mini-series "DeNae Gripes So Much About Church, Complete Strangers Walk Up to Her in Albertson's and Smack Her Upside the Head".

Well, no more! Enough with the snarky grousing! That's right, I said 'snarky grousing'. And the really sad thing about THAT is, I speak the same way I write. Which, of course, means two things for you poor souls attempting to have a conversation with me: One, you will never get a word in edgewise, and two, I will say things like 'snarky grousing' right to your face.

It's time to bump the needle already, particularly since I'm eager to hop on board the caboose of the latest blogging train, namely answering questions about myself submitted by all nine of my loyal readers plus the three people living inside my head.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to actually invite my bloggy pals to ask questions, and for a good eleven seconds I was perplexed as to how I would go about answering them.

Then I remembered this post, where I responded to my fan mail. And it all came together! I'll take your questions via ESP! Brilliant! They all scoffed when I sent away for that Psychic Beanie. What? Like my She-Ra comic book can't be relied on to have quality merchandise for sale on the back cover??

OK, I'm wearing my hat, and I'm getting into the zone. I'd chant, but I don't know the words.

Hang on, I think I've got the hat on backwards. All I was getting was reminders to change the laundry. All right, now we're set....

.....YES! My first question, from loyal pal and fellow writer's group member, L.T.

LT: DeNae, before you met me, had you ever heard of the writing genre "Steampunk"? And what are your thoughts about such a word as "Steampunk"? And how cool am I that I can actually write in a genre with such a groovy name as "Steampunk"?

Goodness, LT, slow down! Let's answer your questions one at a time. First, no, I had never heard of "Steampunk" before I met you, but that doesn't mean anything. I only discovered the word "Fiction" last November. Second, I adore the word "Steampunk"; it sounds like the kid behind the counter at Starbucks. And third, you are significantly cool to be able to write in a genre that requires so much imagination it has to be special-ordered and arrives by cargo ship.

OK, who else has a question?..........There's one. From Motherboard.

MB: DeNae, were you recently chipped out of a glacier? I ask because I have noticed that, despite your having a degree in music and making your living as a musician, your knowledge of popular music is so woefully pathetic you actually think Billy Joel is "cutting edge".

You know, Motherboard, I'm glad you asked that question. As a matter of fact, I AM that sexy and mysterious character known as Australopithecus Woman. And it's absolutely true that when they found me in that ice berg, I was wearing a torn sweatshirt and leggings, my hair was permed and teased to within an inch of its life, and I was playing the "Piano Man" LP on the enormous turntable frozen next to me. Clearly I need help. For starters, does anyone know how to download wax recordings onto an iPod?

We're on a roll now! I hear a question coming in from Ken Craig...

KC: DeNae, did your daughter and your husband have the following conversation on Saturday?

Vanessa: Dad, can we go into the desert and practice shooting today?
Her Dad: No, we're spending the day together as a family.
Vanessa: Then can we shoot the family?

Yes, Ken, that's exactly how it went. We now sleep with our doors locked. And Vanessa strapped in a straight jacket and duct taped to a hand truck.

Another....yes! A question all the way from North Carolina, sent by those lovely southern belles and blogging sisters, InkMom and MommyJ!

IM & MJ: What? What are you talking about? We didn't have a question. We weren't even reading today's post.

Silly girls. Of course you were. Go ahead. Ask away.

IM & MJ: No, seriously. We're both pretty busy right now. We don't have time for this nonsense.

Anything at all. I'm an open book.

IM & MJ: DeNae, for cryin' --

Just one question, though. Everyone wants a turn.

IM & MJ: All right. Here's a question, you narcissistic fruitcake: Have you ever considered getting a life?

Ha, ha! There now, was that so hard? And believe it or not, that's something I'm asked ALL the TIME! The fact is, I rented a life back in college, and found I kind of liked it. So then I requested one from the Sears catalogue, and, as you may have heard me say from time to time, it's been on backorder for a while. I've heard ownership is the only way to go here, although when the Vegas real estate bubble burst my house became worth less than the two plastic trash bins we roll to the curb every Thursday. And I imagine the market for one-owner lives tanked as well. So perhaps it's all right to rent for a few more years, until the economy stabilizes.

Okee-dokee. Time for one more....this one from JennyMac.

JM: DeNae, are all Mormon women like you? Because, and I mean this as kindly as possible, it seems to me that when they were handing out brains and common sense, you were off in a corner trying to plug headphones into a player-piano.

Oh, my! No! Don't be ridiculous, Jenny! Other Mormon women are NOTHING like me! Some of them have a LOT more kids.

WHEW! I don't know about you, but I feel like we really had a breakthrough today, bloggy-relationship-wise. You may not feel closer to me, but I sure do!! In fact, I'm so convinced of my awesomeness and desirability as a friend and companion, I'm going down to the Five and Dime right now and buy myself a little present!

I wonder if Abba has anything new on 8-track....


Maureen said...

Blogging is a lonely life, and I fear it's getting to you! Those voices inside your head are talking too loud. At any rate, I find myself relating too much to what you write. But I'll keep my reasons to myself .....

Melanie J said...

Wow. I wonder what I'm going to ask. Is it possible you know me better than I know myself?

Christine Macdonald said...

God, I've missed you.

Love this!

You, me a bottle of wine and ABBA. I smell montage.

Marian said...

Great concept and excellent use of limited resources (aka: actual questions.

Kristina P. said...

Between this and Ask The Hoff, we could have a real winner.

And if I have to share my lover, Susan, with anyone, I would want it to be you.

InkMom said...

Oh, DeNae. I giggled through this so much that my children actually thought I was laughing at their latest cartoon discovery: Yogi Bear. Perhaps it was chipped out of your iceberg next door, a decidedly older vintage, but ancient nonetheless, yes?

And here I was trying to write a post about post-partum depression. Well, thanks a lot for lifting my mood right out of the space I need to inhabit to write that one, my friend. Now what will I write about?

Kazzy said...

What great questions your friends had for you. Did you have any ideas on what I wanted to ask?

becca said...

That was lovely. I am thrilled to know that your player piano takes headphones, so nobody in your house will be thrust into a murderous rage by your renditions of Piano Man.

(ABBA's newest 8-track rocks.)

DeNae said...

Kazzy, I'm pretty sure you asked me, "Why the aitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks don't you follow my blog??"

Of course, I couldn't post it, cuz I don't allow naughty spelling on my blog. It's a righteousness thing. But I am following you now, so I hope that cleans up your language a bit.

Mel, your question didn't get through. I think it was coming from your baby, who I'm pretty sure really does want to be named "Ur of the Chaldees Jacobson", but it was blocked by amniotic fluid and stuff.

And Christine, where the (Kazzy, insert your word here, please) have you been, anyway?? I've got "Dancing Queen" warming up on the Victrola, and I'll match your wine with a couple liters of Diet Coke, shaken, not stirred. Is it a date??

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I think it wise that you left my questions for another time, because heaven knows you'll have a LOT of explaining to do.

Motherboard said...

Yes. It's totally true. She is the cave-woman of music. Even though she has a degree in it. I was happily chatting with her while she was driving through MEXICO (which is a story unto it's own, I'M SURE!) when I referenced a very popular, current musician. Nope. Nothing. Nada from my good pal DeNae.

However, her love affair with ABBA can only challenged by mine. See? This is why we're soul sisters. xoxo

Jami said...

That Psychic Beanie was worth every penny! I am so impressed.

Snarky grousing is a lovely phrase. I've been known to grouse snarkishly too. But I'm trying to cut back.

So am I to gather from your post and the comments that Billy Joel is not cutting edge? Sorry, does not compute.

M-Cat said...

So funny!

I read your post earlier today, and for some reason I couldn't comment, but did you attend my ward a couple of weeks ago?

And yes, the whole question post..... I'm seeing it everywhere. Maybe I should play along.

Kimberly said...

Mwahahahah! Your attempt to pluck a question out of my brain has been thwarted! I knew my aluminum foil hat would come in handy some day!

Rebecca said...

Too funny! (Actually, is there such a thing?)

I loved your trapped-in-an-iceberg description.

Oh, and I had never heard "steampunk" before L.T. either.

Sher said...

Ooo, how fun!
ABBA...sigh..my one true love....
I got distracted....

Amber said...

Your bravery is commendable. To forgo actual question asking and use ESP???? WOW!!!

I am afraid of what I would find in the crazy world of ESP to ever try it out.

The Garden of Egan said...

Well, I feel very satisfied that I know so much more about you.

I am disappointed however that you didn't answer my burning question.

Oh, well.

Amber Lynae said...

Denae, will you please come and pick up my color tv???? I know it hard to believe you can watch shows in color now, but I will start you off slow..... it is big and bulky and the antenna is useless. However, you can watch you favorite video cassettes all day long.

Did you know that ABBA has a musical with all their songs?

(I am always reading even if I don't comment. You should be very afraid. I'm scary.)

Jess said...

You are too funny.... I too read all the time.... have you in my reader... so I get all the updates.... I just lurk more than I comment.. sorry... =)

I really enjoyed this post and have come away feeling like I know you a little bit better... thank you for sharing it!! lol...

AS Amber said...

Hey! What's with all these other Ambers?? I think we Ambers should get together and form a "Ambers who love DeNae" club. I would be the president, of course.

I love it when your inner voices hijack your blog.

And of course my fave was Vanessa and her wanting to shoot the family. Ba ha ha ha!!!

(PS Wish you were coming up this weekend!!!)

aunt dyanne said...

I sent away for one of those ESP hats....so excited... I think the employee that packaged the order was slightly dislexic however - seems all I get from MY hat is PSA(s)

sigh... will have to rely on you DeNae to keep me up on all the inside burning questions...

L.T. Elliot said...

Hey, don't knock the ABBA. That's good music there. ;)

And if I ever get frozen in an iceberg, I hope I come out HALF so cool as you!

(I had no idea I asked you that question but it does sound like something I'd say. Because let's face it, I'm so cool like that.) ;)

Debbie said...

One of these days, I'm going to make a list of the people I've met blogging that I absolutely, positively must meet in real life no matter what. You, my dear, are at the top of that list. I just adore your sense of humor.

wendy said...

Dang, and I so wanted to know if you exfoliate or not??
maybe next time.

Abba --Chiqatita tell me whats wrong.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Laughing so hard I can barely type! I have questions and will be emailing them! Answers to include passwords and confessions.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee I lub your snarky grousing. And I lub it when you put on your psychic hat. On backwards. My psychic hat always tells me to change the laundry too. Maybe I've been putting it on backwards too.

Your verifier says hyball


You're not pulling one over on us are you?