So, yesterday I put up this post as the latest installment of what has turned into the epic mini-series "DeNae Gripes So Much About Church, Complete Strangers Walk Up to Her in Albertson's and Smack Her Upside the Head".
Well, no more! Enough with the snarky grousing! That's right, I said 'snarky grousing'. And the really sad thing about THAT is, I speak the same way I write. Which, of course, means two things for you poor souls attempting to have a conversation with me: One, you will never get a word in edgewise, and two, I will say things like 'snarky grousing' right to your face.
It's time to bump the needle already, particularly since I'm eager to hop on board the caboose of the latest blogging train, namely answering questions about myself submitted by all nine of my loyal readers plus the three people living inside my head.
Unfortunately, I didn't have time to actually invite my bloggy pals to ask questions, and for a good eleven seconds I was perplexed as to how I would go about answering them.
Then I remembered this post, where I responded to my fan mail. And it all came together! I'll take your questions via ESP! Brilliant! They all scoffed when I sent away for that Psychic Beanie. What? Like my She-Ra comic book can't be relied on to have quality merchandise for sale on the back cover??
OK, I'm wearing my hat, and I'm getting into the zone. I'd chant, but I don't know the words.
Hang on, I think I've got the hat on backwards. All I was getting was reminders to change the laundry. All right, now we're set....
.....YES! My first question, from loyal pal and fellow writer's group member, L.T.
LT: DeNae, before you met me, had you ever heard of the writing genre "Steampunk"? And what are your thoughts about such a word as "Steampunk"? And how cool am I that I can actually write in a genre with such a groovy name as "Steampunk"?
Goodness, LT, slow down! Let's answer your questions one at a time. First, no, I had never heard of "Steampunk" before I met you, but that doesn't mean anything. I only discovered the word "Fiction" last November. Second, I adore the word "Steampunk"; it sounds like the kid behind the counter at Starbucks. And third, you are significantly cool to be able to write in a genre that requires so much imagination it has to be special-ordered and arrives by cargo ship.
OK, who else has a question?..........There's one. From Motherboard.
MB: DeNae, were you recently chipped out of a glacier? I ask because I have noticed that, despite your having a degree in music and making your living as a musician, your knowledge of popular music is so woefully pathetic you actually think Billy Joel is "cutting edge".
You know, Motherboard, I'm glad you asked that question. As a matter of fact, I AM that sexy and mysterious character known as Australopithecus Woman. And it's absolutely true that when they found me in that ice berg, I was wearing a torn sweatshirt and leggings, my hair was permed and teased to within an inch of its life, and I was playing the "Piano Man" LP on the enormous turntable frozen next to me. Clearly I need help. For starters, does anyone know how to download wax recordings onto an iPod?
We're on a roll now! I hear a question coming in from Ken Craig...
KC: DeNae, did your daughter and your husband have the following conversation on Saturday?
Vanessa: Dad, can we go into the desert and practice shooting today?
Her Dad: No, we're spending the day together as a family.
Vanessa: Then can we shoot the family?
Yes, Ken, that's exactly how it went. We now sleep with our doors locked. And Vanessa strapped in a straight jacket and duct taped to a hand truck.
Another....yes! A question all the way from North Carolina, sent by those lovely southern belles and blogging sisters, InkMom and MommyJ!
IM & MJ: What? What are you talking about? We didn't have a question. We weren't even reading today's post.
Silly girls. Of course you were. Go ahead. Ask away.
IM & MJ: No, seriously. We're both pretty busy right now. We don't have time for this nonsense.
Anything at all. I'm an open book.
IM & MJ: DeNae, for cryin' --
Just one question, though. Everyone wants a turn.
IM & MJ: All right. Here's a question, you narcissistic fruitcake: Have you ever considered getting a life?
Ha, ha! There now, was that so hard? And believe it or not, that's something I'm asked ALL the TIME! The fact is, I rented a life back in college, and found I kind of liked it. So then I requested one from the Sears catalogue, and, as you may have heard me say from time to time, it's been on backorder for a while. I've heard ownership is the only way to go here, although when the Vegas real estate bubble burst my house became worth less than the two plastic trash bins we roll to the curb every Thursday. And I imagine the market for one-owner lives tanked as well. So perhaps it's all right to rent for a few more years, until the economy stabilizes.
Okee-dokee. Time for one more....this one from JennyMac.
JM: DeNae, are all Mormon women like you? Because, and I mean this as kindly as possible, it seems to me that when they were handing out brains and common sense, you were off in a corner trying to plug headphones into a player-piano.
Oh, my! No! Don't be ridiculous, Jenny! Other Mormon women are NOTHING like me! Some of them have a LOT more kids.
WHEW! I don't know about you, but I feel like we really had a breakthrough today, bloggy-relationship-wise. You may not feel closer to me, but I sure do!! In fact, I'm so convinced of my awesomeness and desirability as a friend and companion, I'm going down to the Five and Dime right now and buy myself a little present!
I wonder if Abba has anything new on 8-track....