Monday, February 15, 2010

Get a Clue

This one's for you, Rebecca

Hoo, boy. Now you've done it. You're really in a pickle this time, Scarlet, and I'm afraid that not even your gorgeous legs or that perky little pillbox hat set rakishly over one dewy eye is going to get you out of it.

You have been publicly accused of having whacked that creep, Professor Plum, on the head with a candlestick, because once again he lured you into the conservatory with promises of intellectual discourse only to attempt a peek up your skirt. No one could blame you, dear. He really had it coming. Some men just shouldn't spend so much time in the cloistered halls of academia. It makes them batty.

What's that? You say you didn't do it? Well, that's what everyone says, isn't it? "I'm innocent!" Please. You'll need to try a little harder than that. We all saw Shawshank Redemption.

But, wait! This time it's different! You say you have witnesses? Five of them? All of whom can testify with absolute conviction that at the time the naughty old professor was taking his final exam, you were doing the Macarena in the Ballroom with the gardener?

Well bring them on! Let them testify!

Prosecutor: State your name, please.

Witness: Colonel Mustard, USAF, retired.

Prosecutor: Very good. Will you please tell us, sir, what you know about this case?

CM: Yes. (Ahem) BYU is God's university. Their football team is the only true and living football team on the earth today. They should be allowed to play in the Superbowl. Amen.

Prosecutor: ...and is that everything you know?

CM: I said, "Amen," didn't I?

Um, Scarlet, he didn't even mention your name. Are you sure he's a credible witness?

Prosecutor: Next witness. Your name, please.

Witness: Tee-hee. Tee-hee-hee-hee.

Witness's mother: I'm sorry, your honor. She's really too young to be up here. But she wanted to have her turn, and gosh, she's just so darn cute, how could I refuse? I'm Mrs. White, and this is my three-year-old, Lily. Go on, Lily dear. Tell the nice people what you know.

Lily White: (sticks finger in mouth, wipes finger all over microphone, looks at Mrs. White, says loudly enough for everyone to hear, "What should I say?")

Mrs. White: (whisper, whisper)

LW: I love my mom and dad!

MW: (whisper, whisper)

LW: And I love my baby brother!

MW: (whisper, whisper)

LW: And I love Jesus! Ay--MEN!!

(Scarlet, do you even KNOW that kid??)

Prosecutor: Next witness. Your name, please.

Witness: Mrs. Peacock. And I think all of this has been a lot of nonsense. I am personally acquainted with Miss Scarlet, and the accusations against her are completely preposterous.

(Whew! Now we're getting somewhere. You might beat the rap after all!)

Mrs. Peacock: Scarlet would never have met anyone in the conservatory. If a room doesn't have mirrors on at least three walls, she's not interested.

(audience chuckles)

MP: And as for picking up a candlestick? Really? Have you met Miss Scarlet? Laziest thing on legs, let me tell you.

(More chuckling. Scarlet, I don't know what you were expecting her to say, but I can't see how this is helping your case at all.)

MP: And finally, I didn't really see anything on the night in question. I mostly just came up here to get a few laughs.

Prosecutor: Thank you, Mrs. Peacock. That's what we all came here for today. Entertainment. Next witness, please.

Witness: I'm Mr. Green, and I just wanted to say, I really love my wife. She puts up with so much from me. Seriously. I'm a real dud. I never clean up after myself, and I am constantly making inappropriate comments about her mother, although have you seen that woman? Rear end sticks out so far you could use it as a TV tray, am I right?

Prosecutor: Continue with your testimony, Mr. Green.

MG: Well, I only know Miss Scarlet from around the neighborhood. But she's hard to miss! I mean, there's someone who knows what a rear end is for, and it ain't for serving Salisbury Steak on, that's for sure! I'm sorry, baby, you know I love you. But, hey, I ain't dead now, am I?

Prosecutor: Anything else?

MG: No. Just that my wife really has a heavy load, being married to me. And apparently I have no filter, no common sense, and very little in the way of actual intelligence.

(Scarlet, I hope you've packed your orange jumpsuit. I think you're headed up the river, honey...)

Prosecutor: We have just one witness left. Will you please state your name, and for heaven's sake, tell us something we can actually use in these proceedings?

Witness: I'm Mr. Mower. I'm the gardener at the estate. And I can testify as a sworn witness, Miss Scarlet did not kill Professor Plum.

Prosecutor: And how do you know this?

MM: Scarlet and I were doing the Macarena in the Ballroom all evening, as she said. She was having difficulty remembering when you put your hands on your head and when you do the "I Dream of Jeannie" arm crossy- thing. So I set up a video camera. I have the recording right here, and it is time-stamped. Your technicians are welcome to see for themselves that it has not been tampered with.

(Well, Scarlet, this looks promising!)

MM: Furthermore, at one point in the evening, Miss Scarlet received a telephone call on her cell. She talked for some time, and I've watched enough Law and Order to know that this is something that can be verified. While she spoke, I stood in the doorway to offer her some privacy and to catch my breath. That Macarena is quite a workout.

However, I never took my eyes off the ballroom, and Scarlet never left. What's more, we passed Professor Plum on our way to download the music onto our iPods. He was alive and leering at that time. And we did not leave the ballroom until we were summoned to the conservatory by the shrieking of the maid.

I do not know who killed Professor Plum. I don't claim to know anything about the goings-on anywhere else on the estate. I realize that my knowledge is limited, and I wish I knew more. I like Scarlet, and I am confident that my belief in her is well-founded. I look forward to confirming what I already trust and feel about her.

But I will not testify as to things I hope some day to know but currently do not. Nevertheless, what I do know, I willingly share with you, in the hopes that a positive outcome may result for all involved.

Thank you. Amen.

Well, I don't know about you, Scarlet, but I sure am glad Mr. Mower showed up at the end. Evidently he is the only witness who understands the meaning of the word "Testimony".

Maybe things will go better, next time we play this game.

(If you're looking for even more snark, I'm over here today.)


Kristina P. said...

This is the best testimony meeting ever. I totally just got Bingo with my Testimony Bingo card.

Life in the Highlands said...

Hey, wait! This was all about the game Clue, right? You don't have some deeper meaning hidden in your post, do you? Because that might be enlightening and educational, and we just can't have that, now, can we?

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I think I get it. (nervous laughter)

... and for the record, you wouldn't be surprised to know what a stickler I am about these "Clue"-related guidelines and how squeamish it makes me when people play the game wrong.

Migillicutty said...

I'm totally lost.

But it was still funny! :)

Jami said...

I was just having this conversation with my 12 year old because she was wanting to take the 3 year old on a walk up to the witness stand. In the middle of the proceedings!

Also I want a Testimony Bingo card--where can I get one?

Hel said...

I feel lucky if Mr Mower shows up at all.

I especially enjoyed the testimony about football teams. We've had a few of those recently and it makes me want to be sick.

veronica said...

Maybe next month we can get a full report of the recent travels of Mrs. Peacock and an update on the many health conditions plaguing old Mrs. White.

A gal can hope, right?

Kimberly said...

Your Monday posts always seem to have an undertone to them. Nah...probably just my imagination.

Too. Much. Giggling. My face hurts.

On another note, have you seen the movie Clue? SO hilarious.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Wait? What about the witness talking all about their, "vacation trip"? There's ALWAYS one of those when we play clue. *wink*

Becca said...

Thank goodness for the gardener when he shows up.

tammy said...


Thankimonies really drive me bonkers.

Wonder Woman said...

Clever, you are.

Absotively, posilutely hilarious.

wendy said...

I wish some of MY court hearings while I was a court clerk in Utah had been that interesting/entertaining.

"do you swear the testimony you are about to give is the whole truth and nothing but the truth ---no matter what a rotten husband you are, and that your neighbor is a skank, and you love your baby ya"

gotta love testimony meetings

Melanie J said...

My ward is very ordinary except in one way in which it is truly extraordinary: the testimony meetings are 85% en pointe or better. It was really confusing at first. It took me almost a whole year to realize that I didn't immediately have to do a whole body cringe for the forty minutes after the conducting bishopric member sat down on the first Sunday.

Of course, that was nearly undone by yesterday's mission report from the grumpiest senior woman ever to serve a mission. She specifically stated that she didn't have any spiritual experiences so she shared someone else's about two spirits in uniform in the temple at which point I left because ghost stories creep me out.

The stake president, who was presiding, had to stand and rehabilitate the meeting in the last five minutes and I felt like I had finally had the missing three years of cringe-worthy testimonies restored and the world was in balance again.

Kara Herron said...

Hi -
I'm a new follower. I found your blog through your post on Mormon Mommy Blogs. Funny - your blog background is the one I use on my personal blog. Haha! I think we are supposed to be best friends. Really. :-)

Glad I found the blog.

JennyMac said...

You are crazy fun...I need a cocktail and time to reread that...

Homer and Queen said...

That was funny. Except for the BYU part. That was true.

Amber said...

I personally like to talk about my cat. Except that I don't have one. Shoot. Maybe I like to talk about the cat I wish I didn't have. And don't have. And now I am just confused.

InkMom said...

Witness! Testify! Testimony! I get it!


(I read this post yesterday. Really, I did. And I've been thinking about it ever since, because, usually, I like to give you some props even if I'm a little late in the game. But I can't if I'm lost. One-handed typing while nursing, and all that. I guess motherbrain really is getting to me, because when I just reread this, I totally got it and thought it a brilliant piece of satire worthy of my man, Jeeves.)

(Can you tell I've been reading Wodehouse lately? Good stuff.)

(I am a smart person. Really, I am.)

Qait said...

Ah, this had me laughing so hard! Yet another post to share with my husband!
What if instead of comments you just had little recordings of everyone's laughs? heh...that could be kind of creepy!
Oh, and speaking of creepy...
(to you maybe)
You were in one of my dreams, very prominently. I came to visit you and sleep in your house, which was one huge room with a wall-less bathroom (GREAT, what hospitality). The next morning, we were talking about how Provo just isn't as cool as L.A. (my dream brain was a little retarded in the geology department, confusing Los Angeles with Las Vegas, but I forgive it since it was only a dream). We went to some ceremony-fair thing, and suddenly they were awarding you for this amazing book, and the award was even named after you...
and you were wearing this hideous Egyptian-shaped gold wig. Wow. It was so ugly.
And then a supposed daughter of yours came up and budged me out of my seat; she was wearing a feathery pink wig in the shape of a mullet.

Do you hate it when people share their dreams? I couldn't resist!

Rebecca said...

I'm going to pretend that this post was written for me, although I suspect that there's another Rebecca here more deserving of it than I am.

I'm going to show this post to my hubby.

We've had admonitions from the bishop in our ward about what's appropriate when playing the game of Clue.

Molly Doe said...

I'm glad Kristina P. posted first, because this reminded me of her testimony bingo.
My husband loves when testimony meeting turns into story hour.
Amen sister.

Qait said...

By the way, I LOVE that parrot on the witness stand.

And that laugh thing I was talking about, I meant that my response is always lots of laughing, so my effort to say something as a comment often turns into: hahahhaha!

My husband loved this!

Amber Lynae said...

So are you saying that the jury does not want to hear about my new weightloss goals, and the number of times I forgot to say prayer before eating, and the time I got stuck in the dryer, or .......
darn I will have to just stay in my seat.

Oh wait I always do that anyways because everyone else is busy talking about their new high score on x-box and how it has made them a better person.

Rebecca said...

Thanks for clearing up that testimony meetings here are patterened after the Clue game. No wonder I didn't have a clue on Sunday. Now I will bring a scorecard and try to assign the right names to the right players. This will probably make the 1st Sunday more interesting. (Although, it was pretty interesting, what with the various players taking pot shots at each other on the witness stand.)

Karen said...

Were you in my ward last week? I swear you must have been. Or, really, ANY month.

I'm totally tweeting this, btw.

(Um...yeah, can you TELL I'm from California?)

AS Amber said...

Oh my heck so funny and SO TRUE!!! There are so many times I'm playing Clue where I'm thinking, "oh I hope there are no first time Clue players here today."

L.T. Elliot said...

I'm so glad Scarlet got out of that one! Although I think the Mower may have some 'splainin' to do. ;)