Thursday, January 28, 2010

My Wrestling Cape's at the Cleaners

I had to do a new post, if for no other reason than the previous one had all of you in a complete tizz! Goodness, 43 comments, and I'm pretty sure Melissa is gonna punch me in the nose first chance she gets. I've dined with Melissa. Melissa's tough. She's wiry. And she doesn't eat cheese, so in a wrestling match she has the advantage of unclogged arteries.

And then Tammy totally tag-teamed her. And while I haven't met Tammy, so I don't know how her cholesterol would hold up in a brawl, I'm pretty sure they could both take me on accounta I'm more a lover (of pastries and stuff) than a fighter.

So, ha ha, ho ho! Didn't we all have a great, non-confrontational laugh about babies crying in church? Yes, indeedy. That post sure was a side-splitter and was in no way of the "when I see DeNae I'm rearranging her profile picture" ilk.

Glad we cleared THAT up!

And while we're clearing things up, I have a confession: I'm not really speaking on Isaiah, naughty limericks or otherwise, in my class at the CBC shindig. I know, I'm as disappointed as you are. That darned Motherboard. Talk about a fusspot. I even offered to do a mini-class on "Isaiah's Haikus of the Apocalypse". No dice.

So now I have to make up some new story about what I'm doing at the conference.

Hey! Maybe that's it! I'll teach a class on story-telling. My post-graduate studies as a pathological liar will finally pay off! ("Why, Yes, I Did a Little Modeling to Put Myself Through Brain Surgeon School. Why Do You Ask?" was the title of my Master's Thesis.)

It's gonna be SRO, people. Get those tickets while they're hot, hot, hot!

In other news, my novel is coming along nicely. Remember my NaNoWriMo adventure? How can you not remember that? There's a button on my sidebar and everything! I worked so hard my gall bladder fell out! Please try to keep up, for heaven's sake.

Anyway, I've spent the last month or so turning the original compost into...what do you turn compost into, anyway? Oh, that's right. Reality television. So not that. The other thing. A fiction novel.

I've almost reached the point where entire sentences are emerging. A few of them are even huddling together, frightened and alone in this unfamiliar place called "DeNae's manuscript", and without really meaning to, they're creating paragraphs! It's like "The Miracle of Life" meets "Escape From New York". We're talking masterpiece here. Mas. Ter. Piece.

Crash and Melanie and LT have all read chunks of it, and last time I checked, none of them had been admitted to the ER suffering from acute crappola poisoning. I'm taking that as a positive sign.

With the Pulitzer money, I'm going to buy myself an infinite number of monkeys. I'd like my next novel to have more of a Shakespearean feel to it, and besides, I've earned it.

My mom visited over MLK weekend. She is such a kick. I come from a long line of kicks, truth be told. She shared with me the story of how my great uncle LeGrand, whose nickname - I'm not even kidding about this - was PUZ, and his new bride, TILL (still not kidding) spent their wedding night on a mattress in the TRUNK OF THEIR CAR!

It hardly bears thinking about. (But "Till" is now a character in my book, because, really, how could she not?)

And that's all I have to say about that.

In fact, as you have no doubt noticed, I didn't have much to say from the get-go. I was just trying to stop all those moms and grandmas of naughty children from lighting the torches and passing out the farm implements. I never know what to wear when entertaining a lynch mob.

Stay warm, my darlings! And remember what Gandhi said: "The tantrum-throwing toddler you pour a cup of Benadryl into and then lock in a broom closet may be the tantrum-throwing toddler you save."

Gaaaah! Who let Melissa in here??


AS Amber said...

FIRST!!!! Booyah!

Puz and Till. Yes, I've heard of these people.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I guess I better go read the rest of your comments from the last post! I love me a good lynching!

I'm seeing Melissa tomorrow night at a birthday celebration dinner for yours truly. Want me to tell her you said hello? I'm with you, though. In a scrap I think she could take us. She seems like the type to fight dirty. Biting ankles and such.

Wish you lived closer!!! Wa!

Jami said...

No torches. It's far too far to storm your castle. Besides if we burn your castle down, you'll lose your internet. Then you won't be able to post any more. So really--no torches.

Hel said...

I really need to stop being among your first commenters and readers (STOP posting in the middle of your night - it means your posts show up in the afternoon for me.... prime time!). I missed out on all those wonderful comments from your struggling readers (just went back and read them all).

I keep imagining you in a wrestling cape and it's giving me the giggles.

Happy Mom said...

I hope to read your book someday. Keep us posted on it.

MommyJ said...

Me too, me too!! I want to read some...

I just drafted out my next two ideas last night. wait. That makes it sounds like i wrote rough drafts. I didn't, I just wrote down the ideas so I do not forget them. And because sometimes when you see it on paper you realize it's a really ridiculous idea. But I don't think these are. And neither does my husband. Or at least he didn't tell me they were bad ideas when I told him all about them last night at 12:30AM... come to think of it... he didn't say much of anything while his head rested comfortably on the pillow. Hmmm....

I too am going to read the comments in your other post... and I am so bringing you a cape to the CBC.

Becca said...

Did you have those people in your first family ward? The ones who wouldn't take anyone out for "happy noise?" I've been thinking about "happy noise" and how it doesn't make ANYBODY happy... yeah.

I want a cape.

Katherine said...

In the truck of their car? That may win all the extremely bad wedding night stories I've heard.

Jessica said...

Yep, I also grew up with stories of Puz and Till (Wasn't Puzey the last name? Who could have married into that name?). I didn't hear the one about the wedding night, gotta hear that one. Glad you are putting her in your book, only real life is funnier than fiction.

Kristina P. said...

I think Amber and I could take Melissa. We'll try tonight.

I will read your story is there is nudity involved. If not, I'm not really interested. That's how I run my life.

wonder woman said...

Puz and Till?

I'm so glad I didn't live back then.

Kazzy said...

That is a lot of comments! I too am excited to read your book someday! Love the mattress-in-the-trunk story. That is true love!

Melanie J said...

I think I'm about three weeks away from finishing my NaNoWriMo manuscript. That's assuming I come in at my original word count and not 20,000 over like I did on my last one. I had to cut it all back out anyway, so I'm aiming to just not write crap in the first place. It's so much harder than it sounds...

Lara said...

Go you.

Can't wait to read your book when it is sitting on the shelves at my local bookstore! :)

M-Cat said...

I love you. Really. Have I told you lately?

And Amber? I am laughing out loud at your comment.

My toughness? All smoke and mirrors my friends, in a fight, I would run crying like a baby. Except of course if it involved my kids, then I would kick some serious ass. no lie.

I'm now officially a fan of Puz and Till.

PS - I love you.

tammy said...

Glad we cleared that up. However, the next time I'm in Vegas, I'm going to have to hunt you down... not to rearrange your profile pic, but to go out for pastries and stuff. I promise to leave my 13-year old (who goes from 0-60 in church) at home.

Homer and Queen said...

I have missed you. Went back and read THE post. We sit on the handicap row (we own it) so I get to see people to nothing to their screaming kids. Are we in the same ward and just not know it?

Motherboard said...

People in the olden days had WAY cooler names.

You always come up with the BEST post titles.


L.T. Elliot said...

The only thing I went to the ER for after reading your stuff was to have my funny bone removed. If I laughed one more time there would have been an abominable mess on the carpet and they can't just stuff those innards back in, willy nilly. Split sides are a nasty business and that's not the kind of nasty my hubby signed up for. ;)

(seriously, you're awesome!)

The Garden of Egan said...

I'm going to have to take a second job so I can save up to attend the Blogger Conference....just to see you!
I'm sure I would come away more spiritual and my hometown would be better for it.

Momza said...

Hope to meet up with you at the CBC...maybe I'll even be able to get close enough to touch the hem of your hopes that I too, may become a profound writer with throngs of followers. Or just smile and say "hi."
That'd be nice too. ;-)

That Girl said...

You rob me of my ability to speak English.

In a good way.

Sher said...

Darn it! I was hoping to learn how to write some naughty limericks from you.
But, I know I could take a lesson or two from you in pathological lying techniques.

And I've run a race with Melissa before. She could totally kick my trash, and 40 other people's trash with her hands tied behind her back. She's tough.

wendy said...


sounds like you have some interesting relatives for sure --could explain alot of questions I was asking myself.

I wish I could be to the blogger conference ---would you like to spear head a charity project where bloggers donate a couple of dollars for my plane fair down there.
come on now ---NOTHING SPELLS LOVE AND CHARITY AND GOOD WILL then sending me a plane ticket

isn't that the kind of thing that sparks good blog --GIVING

Kimberly said...

Alright, I'll stop sharpening my pitchfork...but only because you made me laugh.

And also because I'm one of the smug faced self-righteous mums with the well behaved kids (admittedly, this is entirely accidental and I worry about repeating this success with future offspring...maybe I'll just stop procreating while things are still going well...).

JennyMac said...

Seriously, you kill me. Off to read your tizzy commotion causing post next.

Farnsworth Fam said...

I'm new to your blog. I was advised it would be a good laugh, and I needed it. Thanks! I plan to check back often!

Debbie said...

I am thrilled to hear your sentences are gathering together in formation and we may all be able to purchase them one day if books are still being printed. Fun times! said...

Hi! JennyMac set us up on a blind date to meet each other, but turns out I am the only one with credible directions.
I loved your post and think I should probably meet Melissa, too! ;-)
Not to mention, I want a monkey as well. A smart one. That can be taught to do housework.
I hope the lynching turns out to be everything you always wanted in one. Go have fun, dear! I'll be back!

Stepper the Mighty said...

Okay, am I the only one who actually felt really sorry for the poor scared little words in the manuscript? And felt a joy and warmness when they found each other and accidentally created paragraphs? anyone?

DeNae - I actually just came by to congratulate you on your phrase: "Great Honk". Left innocently on That Girls' blog. I loved it so much, I had to come say so.

Then this post floored me.

I would definitely read any book you wrote. Probably more than once! And especially especially if it involved biblical haiku's.

Get on that, would you?

Karen said...

Puz and Till! They remind me of this couple I knew in Montreal named Kitchener and Eufemia. I think they need an appearance in my next NaNo!

I don't know, though. I was all set to go to this conference, but if you're not speaking about Isaiah's Olympic dream, then I might have to reconsider.

Annette Lyon said...

I'll read my chunk soon--I SWEAR!

The Whitneys are done, and just as soon as I get this freelance proof out of my hair, you're #1 on my list.

I haven't forgotten!