Tonight, you introduced friends to “A Christmas Story”, quite possibly the finest holiday entertainment since the angels did their live concert for the shepherds.
However, when it was over, their assessment of this classic was, ‘We hated when that kid stuck his tongue to the flag pole’.
While you stood in stunned amazement at how such seemingly normal people could have such bad taste in movies, they went on to defend that wretched movie starring Arnold Schwarzenneger and Sinbad as ‘the most hysterical and brilliantly acted cinematic experience since Four Christmases’.
These people wouldn’t appreciate fudge anyway. You’ll be giving them a couple of stale carob bars and a copy of “Elf” on VHS for Christmas.
AND HERE IS MY HOLIDAY MOVIE TRIVIA QUIZ! I KNOW, YOU'RE SO EXCITED YOU CAN HARDLY KEEP THE FUDGE IN YOUR MOUTH!
Settle down, there's plenty of fun for everyone.
(Please forgive the formatting. Blogger is SO off my Christmas Card list.)
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
1: What price must the kids of Sombertown pay to receive a toy from Kris Kringle?
(And doesn’t that part kinda creep you out? I’m thinking the kids should have just faxed him)
a) $23.98 (batteries extra)
b) Five gold rings
c) Their mother’s recipe for penguin pate
d) A kiss / a toy
2: What gift does Kris Kringle give to the Burgermeister Meisterburger?
a) Lip gloss
b) A copy of “Goose Stepping for Dummies”, the official textbook of the ‘Heinrich Himmler School of Marching’, of which all of the Sombertown soldiers apparently are graduates.
c) A yo-yo
3: The floozy school teacher, who seems to fling herself wantonly at the first guy in a red suit to give her a doll, and who sings the most ludicrously 70’s-esque song in the movie (complete with psychedelic dream sequence), is named...
a) Liza Minnelli
b) Davy Jones
Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
1: Rudolph is the first-born child of which narrow-minded, social-climbing, fruitcake-headed reindeer?
a) Tom Cruise
b) Harry Reid
c) This guy we knew in Seattle who was certain that if he could just get his foot in some corporate bigwig’s door he would have Bill Gates begging him for a job as his pool guy in five years’ time, but who meanwhile lived primarily off what his wife made babysitting because he was “an entrepreneur, you know, an idea man” who shouldn’t be burdened with an actual job.
2: Santa Claus – according to this documentary – evidently suffers from which malady?
a) Reverse bulimia, where the patient remains pencil-thin until Christmas Eve and then packs on 90 pounds at dinner.
b) Misfit Toy Misogyny
c) Elf Music Tin Ear
d) All of the above
3: What are Yukon Cornelius’ “life sustainin’ supplies”?
a) Snow shoes and rock salt and Diet Coke and fudge
b) Cell phone and iPod and PSP and Rock Band
c) Pipers piping and drummers drumming and partridges partridging and cyanide capsules
d) Corn meal and gunpowder and ham hocks and guitar strings
A Christmas Story
1: Ralphie wants what for Christmas? (We’re going for the exact definition as blurted out to his mother over the morning oatmeal)
a) A Red Ranger Carbon Broiler With Dual Ovens and Warming Drawer
b) A Red Riding Hood Wolf-B-Gone Tear Gas Spritzer-on-a-Stick
d) An Official Red Rider Carbine Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle
2: “What is the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse?”
a) Tom Cruise (well, half a horse anyway)
d) Victor (‘Everybody knows that!’)
3: The lamp is broken. The Old Man is livid. What is the “real crusher” he tosses off to his wife on his way out to buy more glue because she “used up all the glue on purpose!!”?
a) “I shall return!”
b) “Don’t let the dogs eat the turkey!”
c) “Next time I see you you’d better have your tongue stuck to a flag pole, lady!”
4: The Old Man declares that, in his pink bunny suit, Ralphie looks like...
a) Richard Simmons
b) A deranged Easter Bunny
c) A pink nightmare
d) B and C (and A, if he’d had any idea...)
Some big names show up as narrators to some of our favorite Christmas movies. Match the movie to the narrator:
- Frosty, the Snowman
- The Grinch
- Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
- Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
- How the Grinch Stole Christmas
A: Anthony Hopkins
B: Fred Astaire
C: Jimmy Durante
D: Boris Karloff
E: Burl Ives
Often, our favorite characters are required to overcome great obstacles during the telling of their stories. Match the character to the trial from which they – presumably – emerge joyful and triumphant:
- “Lifebuoy”-induced blindness
- Death by greenhouse
- Chihuahua-sized heart in a green gorilla-sized chest
- Abandoned as an infant on the front porch of an apparent war criminal
- A magenta proboscis
A: The Grinch
D: Kris Kringle
And finally, no movie trivia quiz is complete without memorable quotes. Match the character and movie to the lines we’ve come to insert into our everyday conversations, often to the confusion (and eventual suggestions that we get a life) of the listeners.
- “Of course if I bump the loathing to nine, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness... But what would I wear??”
- “In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over
- “Never knew the Bumble Snowmonster yet who’d pass up a pork dinner for deer meat!”
- “Alas, I’ve been dis-enchanted. I have no magic left. I can’t even do card tricks!”
- “Airbag’s a little slow...But that’s what these tests are for!”
- “In our world, you were either a bully, a toadie, or one of nameless rabble of victims.”
A: Jean Shepherd, Author and Narrator of "A Christmas Story"
A: Jean Shepherd, Author and Narrator of "A Christmas Story"
B: The Grinch, in “The Grinch”
C: The Winter Warlock, in “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”
In the first three sections, all answers are D.
NARRATORS: 1-C; 2-A; 3-B; 4-E; 5-D
OBSTACLES: 1-C; 2-E; 3-A; 4-D; 5-B
QUOTES: 1-B; 2-A; 3-D; 4-C; 5-B; 6-A
24-26 correct: You clearly have your priorities in order. However, someone should be assigned to turn you over occasionally to avoid your butt fusing to the sofa.
20-23 correct: Let me guess: You try to ‘get some things done’ while watching Christmas movies with your family. Sorry, but folding the laundry and turning the sofa-fusers has obviously had a direct impact on your overall movie-trivia abilities. And now you’re paying the price for your slothfulness.
0-19 correct: Hey, you there! Yes, you, the one in the Amish hat and the poofy shirt! Care to join us in the 21st century?? Cryin’ out loud...