Sunday, November 22, 2009

DMoG, Day Twenty-two

Well, the Plucky Girl Detective is hot on the trail now. This is a very exciting time in my novel. So far in her investigation, she has ruled out the drag queen with the heart of gold, the vet who only works on three legged animals, the hobo who was run over by the Heber Creeper in the prologue and is never mentioned again, and the suspicious looking eggplant growing in her neighbor's flower box.

I'm beginning to think she isn't a very bright Plucky Girl Detective, since the murderer just walked up to her, revved up a chainsaw, and said, "I guess you caught me fair and square," and she replied, "Hey, I didn't know you could juggle!"

22: I'm thankful for Isaiah. And Jeremiah. And Moses, Ezekiel, Amos, and that sexy-talking Hosea, who I believe uses the word "whoredoms" more times than a Las Vegas census taker.

I really love the scriptures, and I have a special place in my heart for the Old Testament. Where else can you hope to find passages like, "And when they awoke, they were all corpses"? I mean, is that not the best line ever? I don't know about you, but I freaking hate it when I wake up and discover that sometime during the night I'd become a corpse.

Or how about those sons of Jacob, who decided that the best way to wipe out a city was to first convert everyone to their faith, talk all the men into getting circumcised just to show willing, and then attack while the poor shmoes were sitting in their La-Z-Boys, watching Jay Leno with ice packs in their laps?

This year I'm teaching an Institute class on Isaiah, and it has only taken us three months to get through the first five chapters. At this rate, we'll finish Isaiah in roughly the same time it took King James' monks to insert all the dirty limericks into the book of Numbers.

(Oh, they're in there. You obviously haven't read it enough.)

The Old Testament is fast and furious, and a great way to see God in the extremes of His power and love. When things are going well, He's right there, in Person, pouring out miracle upon miracle to keep His people happy.

And when they rebel, as they do approximately every seventeen seconds, He is all about the fire and brimstone and letting folks know just Who is running this here Universe.

From fiery flying serpents to rivers of blood, infestations of frogs to 185,000 very surprised, very dead Assyrians, there is something in the Old Testament for everyone.

And you gotta hand it to Isaiah. He chose the most fabulous name for a son of anyone in any testament, Old, New, or Another:

"Maher-shalal-hash-baz", which if I'm not mistaken, is ancient Hebrew for "My Dad Really Wanted a Girl."


Corinne said...

And I'm grateful that I can sit in on your gospel doctrine lessons and seminary lessons and hopefully, ecome as smart as you some day. I already told you that I wish I could just stick a flash drive into your brain and put it into mine and suddenly know all the stuff you do about the scriptures. I'm so lucky to have a mom like you!! for real, pleeeeeease don't stop teaching seminary =) please please please please please. please. please. seriously. xD xoxo <3 love you!!

Corinne said...

*become. gah. you knew what I meant...

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Matt totally wanted to name one of our kids Maher-shalal-hash-baz. He loves to say it. I forbade it, and maybe Isaiah will be mad at me and I'll wake up tomorrow as a corpse (payback.).

I love the scriptures, too, and someday when I grow up, I want to know them as well as you do. Our stake patriarch spoke last week and scriptures just rolled out of his memory and I totally want to be that way. What an awesome feeling to have the word of God IN you.

MommyJ said...

Julie Beck is one of those that knows scriptures like nobody's business. She's awesome in that way. And many other ways too.

I love it in the book of Mormon when the Lamanites, having seen Ammon start cutting their arms off, began to be astonished. Heh. Just how do you begin to be astonished? And wouldn't it actually happen when the sword started swinging, rather than, when the arms started hitting the ground?

The Garden of Egan said...

I wish I could sit in on your class, I'm sure you are one that could really make the Old Testament come alive!
Ya, waking up as a corpse...bummer

wendy said...

OK - this was just so funny I don't even know what to say

can't wait to read you book, all your little snippits are intriging for sure.

and I can't spell worth crap

wonder woman said...

I'm kind of excited to study the Old Testament next year. I always feel like there's lots to learn, but you MUST have a good teacher if you're going to learn anything.

I really really really hope we have a good teacher. Wanna move to Spanish Fork for a year?!

InkMom said...

I am commenting vicariously for my mom right now, because I just had to read this post to her. She, too, is a scriptorian of the highest order and also has the teaching gene, a truly rare and spectacular combination.

Bravo, she says! Bravo!

I have always loved the OT -- ever since my freshman year in seminary when we read the scriptures about "he who pisseth on the wall" and we designated one of the chalkboards as our very own wee-wee wall. Our bishop was our seminary teacher (all girls -- for some reason that year, we had two gender-segregated seminary classes, except for Rowdy who refused to cut his hair so he could count as a girl. Am I rambling?) and he was such a fantastic teacher that OT ties with BofM as far as favorite books of scripture for me.

Also, tell Corinne to watch the Matrix. (Oops, maybe not, rated R.) Because sticking a flash drive into your brain is pretty much exactly what they do.

Hope your surgery went well, and you're up and at 'em again soon. Love to you!

InkMom said...

And it was the girls' class, so no, we didn't actually use the wee-wee wall. In case I needed to explain.

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Oh, yes, oh, yes. I love, love, love the Old Testament. Know why? Sarcasm. It's loaded with it.

As in:

The Israelites: "Manna, manna. Always manna. We're tired of manna. We want some meat. Whine, whine, whine"

The Lord: "You want meat? Okay, I'll give you meat. I'll give you meat until it comes outta ya nose."

(Okay, so maybe I paraphrased)

And Elijah is my hero. He SO let the 450 priests of Baal have it. And with such style. It was great.

I have dropped so many hints to the Bishop about how I'd love to teach the teenage Sunday School class, but it just ain't happening. Sigh.

I home-taught Seminary to my girls and that's where I really fell in love with the scriptures. I'm thankful for them too.

tammy said...

I want you teaching my class.

Qait said...

LOVED IT! You are kin to my family. We're big in the seminary stuff, and it comes out like your stuff quite often. ;) Did that make sense?

Migillicutty said...

Mommy J, this is for you:

John Bytheway on Ammon Cutting Those Dudes Arms Off.

(ok, so I changed the name a little)

"And he smote off their arms, yea, insomuch that they began to be astonished"

Robber Dude #1: Hey, this guy just cut my arms off. ::gasp:: I'm astonished! Are you astonished?

Robber Dude #2: Yea, I am astonished too!

Robber Dude #1: Let's be astonished together!

Maher-shalal-hash-baz..... Wow.

The Garden of Egan said...

O great scriptorian.......will you please make sense of Alma 11? I don't know why I need to study their currency me have a testimony of currency exchange....

L.T. Elliot said...

I think I need to read the book of Numbers better. ;)
I'm glad plucky detective is detecting, although not the inherent danger she's in. =] That's the best kind. (p.s. Novel is coming along but slower than I'd like thanks to life interuptions.)

Marianne said...

I'm a new reader of your blog, and I love it! This post was hilarious!

AS Amber said...

Well I don't know SQUAT about the OT. Or the NT for that matter. However, I did have a sensus taker come over the other day so the "whoredoms" line totally made me laugh right out loud.

I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have you as a sunday school or institute teacher. Lucky, lucky Cori.

I can't tell but it seems like she's trying to tell you something about teaching seminary....

See you in TWO days!! More like a day and a half since it's like 1:00 on Monday morning!