Friday, November 27, 2009

DMoG, Day Twenty-seven

Well, it's back to business for our Plucky Girl Detective and her faithful sidekick, Muffin Cup the Alien Cat.

Now that the pesky nudist has been bumped off, it's anybody's guess as to who the killer could possibly be. Even more alarming, PGD has recently noticed that MC the AC has started wearing a little holster on his leg, complete with a tiny, kitty sized rocket launcher.

Will the PGD's worst fears be confirmed? Does Muffin Cup have plans for all of the inhabitants of the sleepy town of Nothingmuchhappeninghere, North Dakota? And of far more urgent concern is the unanswered question: Does that cat have a permit for carrying a concealed weapon of mass destruction? Because the paperwork alone, particularly for a sidekick with no opposable thumbs, could push his already fragile psyche right over the edge.

I'm telling you, I wouldn't want to be the vet who fixed Muffin Cup's little reproduction problems right about now.

27: I'm thankful for Black Friday. I'm not always up for the shopping melee the day after Thanksgiving, statistically that one day of the year where more unnecessary electronics are sold than every other day combined. But there is something daring and exciting when my three sisters and I venture out into the madding horde, credit cards and tongues sharpened to weaponized levels.

Jill, Amber, Kim, and me, prepping for battle.
(Jill is the rich one of the family; she won't miss a couple credit cards.)

Amber reminded me today of the time a few years ago when the four of us were in line at Sears (don't judge; at least we didn't spend last night camping outside Old Navy in a Winnebago like SOME bloggers whose pen names rhyme with Bothermoard), and this - what word should we use, Amber? Unpleasant female? Mentally disturbed lunatic? Hateful wench harboring a secret desire to have a fully loaded shopping cart stuffed down her throat? We'll go with that one. - began knocking down Kim's purchases as she placed them on the conveyor belt.

Why she felt the need to carry out this act of pissiness was anybody's guess. Maybe she was jealous because we four sisters were demonstrating our enjoyment of the party that is Black Friday by purchasing every single item Sears ever sold or ever thought about selling. Perhaps she felt that there was something wrong with loading a shopping cart so full of Barbie paraphernalia it had to be strapped down with a boat cover and yards of bungee cord.

Whatever the case, Kim was becoming a little perturbed by this woman's disrespect for the uprightness of her boxes o' Barbies, and she eventually turned to Jill for one of those 'private' conversations that you say loudly enough that folks in the next county can hear you whispering.

That this discussion involved Kim's annoyance with her fellow shopper was not lost on the Barbie knocker-overer. Nor was Jill's equally 'quiet' reply.

Now, you should know that Jill is the littlest one of all of us. She is also the only female in our family to have been engaged in not one but two altercations of an aggressively physical nature, which is shocking because people at drag races are usually so well mannered, particularly after having consumed seventeen or eighteen beers, an act which is noted for leading to rational and pleasant behavior.

Anyway, I was blithely unloading my sixteen thousand toy cars and army men, for the most part unaware of the situation that was developing behind me. Amber, however, was fully attuned to the elevation of estrogen-based emotionalism at the rear of our little train of carts, and said to me, "We may have to make a break for it soon. Jill and Kim are getting kinda fired up back there."

Well, as the eldest sister, I simply couldn't allow harm to come to these innocent youngsters for whom I feel uniquely responsible. However being a lover - of doughnuts and pastries, mostly, and therefore not what one might call a particularly fit fighter, I first turned to my husband who had been conned into chaperoning our outing, and asked him, "If this gets ugly, can I count on you to have my back?"

Remember, my husband is a federal agent. He was armed, locked, and loaded. And in the timeless tradition of husbands of women like my sisters and me everywhere, he lovingly and assuringly replied, "Hell, no. I'll be in the car. See ya." And he turned and calmly left the store.

Well, now that our bodyguard had fled the scene, there was really only one logical course of action.

Amber and I began a counter-attack of sarcasm along the lines of "Thank you SOOOO MUUUUUCH for teaching us the true meaning of Christmas, lady. It's wonnnderful people like you who make the stresses of holiday shopping worth while."

Naturally, this defused the situation - and by "defused" I mean "escalated to the degree that the pissy shopper was now backing waayy up into the aisle to get a running start before ramming her cart into our shins and ankles" - long enough for us to sign the mortgage papers allowing us to finalize our purchases, and we bolted out of the Sears store, tags and receipts flapping higgledy-piggledy out of our bags.

But before we made it to the parking lot, we felt it our civic duty to alert the security guard that we had personally witnessed that woman stuffing a Kenmore Side-by-Side Refrigerator / Freezer up her jumper, and that we were pretty sure we'd heard her say something unflattering about his weight.

The holidays have such a way of bringing families together, and I had never felt closer to my sisters than I did that day, dashing through the store, bells on checkstands ringing, generally making the season bright and laughing all the way...


Lara said...

Hope you're having a wonderful time out there this morning!

I love Black Friday...not having sisters I go only with my mom. This year I went alone. I can't wait until maybe I can take my own girls.

But whoah! Black Friday in a tiny town is such a different experience! I left at 4:20 and hit two stores and was home by 5:45. Amazing.

Annette Lyon said...

Black Friday with sisters might be survivable. (That picture is hilarious.)

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow! I wish I could have seen the security card at that store. Give a whole knew meaning to the word "peopleofwalmart"

Hope you enjoyed yourselves today!!!

Kristina P. said...

Holy crap!! That story is way better than the short version on Facebook.

I chatted with Amber for a while yesterday. She said that you guys are having the best time!

wendy said...

Is is safe --really --to let all of you out in public, together??

I never go to Black Friday as crowds of people in a shopping frenzy and lack of sleep and overdoses of turkey are too threatening.

But I KNOW you girls could take on any of them. You Make me Proud!!

enjoy each other

Motherboard said...

You're just jealous that I have a Winnebago and you don't.

(love the "long version" of this story!)

wonder woman said...

This is hilarious!!

I really wanted to go out this morning, but was too scared to do it alone. Luckily, I still scored all the deals I wanted AFTER the sun had risen and the blood had been shed.

Your post makes me long for a sister. Or three.

Jami said...

"Hell, no. I'll be in the car." That's a wise man you've got there.
Fantastic story!

AS Amber said...

Baaaaa ha ha ha ha!!! Oh my heck too funny!

All of your readers will be disappointed to know that our trip to Wal-Mart was uneventful this morning.

Productive. But uneventful.

Kazzy said...

Loved your husband's reply. What a guy! :)

I would totally do Black Friday of my sister lived nearby.