Sunday, November 15, 2009

DMoG, Day Fifteen

If all is going according to plan, I should be rounding the 22,000 word bend on this 50,000 word race to the laughing academy. I have it on good authority that a number of people voluntarily write novels on a regular basis, which must explain the correlating data on drug abuse among laptop owners.

I'm having surgery on Friday, the 20th, and I fully expect my best work to come out that weekend. You can keep your odes to grecian urns and lovely trees.

Lortab is MY muse.

15: I'm thankful for my legs. If you were expecting a dewy-eyed tale starring crippled match girls or Tiny Tim, then you must be new here. I mean, yes, of course, I'm grateful to be ambulatory, but I never was very good with Victorian sensibilities, even under Matthew MacFadyan's spell.

No, I'm grateful that, from the quadriceps down, I am One. Hot. Mama.

My mother is 5' 9", but her ankles and wrists look like they came off a Lilliputian. Her bathroom mirror should have written on it "Caution: Bones are even tinier than they appear."

She's not alone. My grandmother, my Aunt Helen, several of my cousins - they all have limbs that look like Mother Nature ran out of arm and leg bones and just inserted fingers instead.

So despite my tendency to float toward my father's end of the gene pool - not to mention sharing in his regular celebration of all things chocolate and coated with a candy shell - my mother's genes fight back valiantly, allowing me to break even, at least at the extremities. I'm telling you, those genes may be small, but they're wiry.

Thus it is that, while most of the time I sport a physique that looks like it was designed by a three-year old ("Draw a snowman, sweetie. That's right, little circle, bigger circle, greeaaaat big lard filled circle.") it is balanced atop two beautifully proportioned legs that look freaking amazing in three inch heels.

Thanks, grandma. Thanks, mom. And thanks to whatever anonymous sparrow it was who generations ago fluttered into our family tree and started it all.

My suede boots and I won't let you down.

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

You do have amazing legs.

The Garden of Egan said...

Would you please post a picture of your scarecrow leg? I must have photo evidence WITHOUT Photoshop. I wish I had inherited some good DNA on body proportions.

Maureen said...

It seems it only takes a little interruption into our normal routines to make us grateful for what we have. Suddenly need glasses? Our eyes feel more precious. And walking is definately a blessing when it's painful or impossible to enjoy a walk around the block. And gee, I've even gotten so i'm grateful for my own large, lard hardened snowball! At least it's mine.....

Reading your month of gratitude is reminding me of the simple things that make life worth living. And my motto this month (it should be every month) is a grateful heart is a happy heart.

Good luck with your surgery. I know there's many who'll be pulling for you!

Kazzy said...

I like your confidence, Lady! I am just medium-sized all over. Blargh.

Brooke said...

I believe it. The only member of your gene pool that I know well has legs the size of enlongated pretzel sticks - even when she's 9 months pregnant.

brudcrew said...

I am so jealous! Even if I managed to lose the baby weight from all 4 of my children combined, I would never be able to wear a pair of those luscious boots! My DNA includes mu father's freaky enormous calves!

Homer and Queen said...

Well you do have a sweet spirit! I don't even have that!

Corinne said...

amen to that sista! you got pretty much the sexiest legs this side of the solar system! WHOOT for genes!! and oh my heck mom...i seriously just peed myself laughing...snowman...sparrows...baha! you so funnny!!! <3 leetle hog beeg kees XoxoxoxoXOXoxOxxOO xD

Lisa said...

I'm so jealous! I'd LOVE to have long thin legs. I put the D in Dumpy when it comes to my bottom half! Yuck! Maybe if we combine your hot bottom half and my pretty-okay top half, we could make one of us very happy.

L.T. Elliot said...

Aw, man. I'm positively green. I have chicken legs. And not the nice ones. The fat chickens that go straight to KFC.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I have great legs too, from the mid-thigh down, though admittedly the cut-off line between hot and not keeps getting lower and lower.

Jessica said...

Yep, got the same genes. I think I am part bird. Although, I don't eat that way.
And it sounds like you have awesome boots!!

AS Amber said...

So I'm guessing "Brooke" is "Jessica"'s friend. And yes, Jessica, you are part bird.

And Cori, you're darling. And I love your guts. Especially when you quote Nacho Libre.

And you, sister, really do have great legs! And they look amazing in your sassy heals!

Ya, that sparrow and snow man thing was freakin' hilarious!

Motherboard said...

Loratab is my muse too. If you would share, I bet I could convince her to come back and live me again.