Ay, caramba, Bart! I'm getting behind on my word count! I've decided to download dictionary-dot-com into my novel on the grounds that I'm fairly certain all the words I intend to use will be listed there. Then, I'll simply 'delete' everything that I don't really need during the revision stage in the coming months. Huh? Huh? I'm telling you, sometimes I'm so freaking brilliant it...um...hang on, I need to look up a good word to finish that sentence...
20: I'm thankful for my computer. If you are over 40, chances are you had to take "typing" in High School. I'm not particularly proud to admit this, but I am one of the few people in the world who managed to cheat in type class.
My friend Lisa, daughter of a Baptist minister and to the best of my knowledge a fairly honest and upstanding citizen until she met me, was such a fast typist that when she finished the assignment for her own class (Type 300: Tabbing Your Way to Success) she had enough time left over to do the assignment for my class (Type 90: Finding Your Butt With Both Hands) and pass it to me in the hall.
So to the teacher, I seemed to be one of those rare students who could type perfectly well on all of the daily assignments, but when given a pop quiz - which was usually just a repeat of one of the week's earlier pages - I approached the task with all the keyboarding skill of a poached egg.
I guess I just don't test well.
So as you might imagine, no one is more surprised than I that I can even make any of these keys do what I want them to. But when we finally got a computer in 1996, making us the next-to-last humans on earth to do so, the final holdouts being my in-laws who still use an abacus to balance their checkbook, my world was forever changed. Up was down, Michael was Diana, and pork was the other white meat.
And now, I am head over heels, stars in my eyes, how do you solve a problem like Maria in love with this machine.
I love the internet. I love my flash drive. I love my color printer and my two gazillion word documents and my digital pictures and my music composition files and running my entire life via e-mail.
And I love that even after I drove her to a life of crime and trafficking in black market typing assignments, my dear accomplice Lisa still used her computer to 'friend' me on Facebook.
I want you to know, Lis, it took nearly 30 years, but I'm finally up to twenty words a minute.