Friday, November 13, 2009

DeNae's Month o' Gratitude, Day Thirteen

"I finally finished my report for the executive board. At first, it was just gibberish and incoherent ramblings. But on the third day I was visited by an Incan Monkey god, who told me exactly what to write. Now, if I can just find someone to translate his simple but beautiful language..."~Dilbert, to the best of my recollection, anyway"We have met the Incan Monkey god, and he is us."~DeNae, when asked how her novel is coming along

13: I'm thankful for my swimming pool. One day in church I quipped that "rain is something that happens in Utah so folks like us can fill our pools." There were a few visitors from Salt Lake City, who I noticed did NOT chuckle warmly along with the Las Vegans.

Wet blankets.

Which I suppose is the point, isn't it? I mean, they acted like somehow they had WORKED for all that rain, and we free-loaders were just slurping it up like we were entitled to it.

Well, what had they done to guarantee adequate rainfall? Danced for it? HA! If dancing were the criteria, Las Vegans would all be living in arks. High ceilinged arks, of course, to accommodate the poles.

When we lived in Seattle, we would gladly have let Las Vegas borrow a few thousand gallons of rain during their killer summer months. All they had to do was ask. And, you know, figure out a way for us to fax it to them.

Of course, in Seattle "killer summer months" meant "August 17", the 24 hours of the year when the temperature soared all the way to 90 degrees, and stricken residents had no choice but to head to one of the roughly forty thousand beaches in the city until the crisis had passed.

Now that I live in the last place you can stop for gas on the Highway to Hell, let me just tell those sniffy Utah rain hogs that they should be grateful we Las Vegas-ites have swimming pools.

If I didn't have someplace to catapult my children to every summer when we're on our 279th straight hour of 'Simpsons' reruns, I'm afraid I'd become so crazy with the heat and all that family togetherness I would, in my frenzy, begin hanging up on the food storage shelving salesmen and home security installers who call me eighty-six times a day.

Near as I can tell, those boys are singlehandedly keeping the Utah economy solvent, on account of you can't have too many wire racks loaded with number ten cans mounted all over your garage. And then you'd best rig the place with a state-of-the-art security system, because let's face it, three hundred pounds of red beans and potato pearls are just too much for weaker willed burglars to resist.

Around here, we send our returned missionaries to the Barbazon School of Blackjack Dealing. Or, if they can't get in, BYU.

But hey, that's just us.

Your water-sucking, pool-hugging neighbors to the south.


aunt dyanne said...

So thats why this Utah resident doesn't have a pool. You took all the water. Guess i'll just have to come and visit MY water!

Kristina P. said...

It's probably because no one had pools here.

wendy said...

Blackjack Dealing school or ---BYU. funny.
I lived (once upon a time) just north of Seattle, in British Columbia and understand about the rainfall. But I grew to love it (after I scraped the moss/mold from my skin)
then moved to Utah and prayed for rain. danced for rain. ran naked through the streets for some rain.

today is friday the 13th ----
lock up the monkey incase he decides to kill

L.T. Elliot said...

Hey! I danced HARD for that rain! Punk.

This Month of Gratitude is probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long, long time. =]

Lacy said...

Those Utahn's may have danced hard for the rain but I bet not with near as many polls and in Las Vegas :)

The Garden of Egan said...

I think you were bitten by the Incan monkey god..........and your brain has rabies or alzheimers or something.
Careful about the Utah may not be safe and you will find yourself preggers or something.

tammy said...

Just another reason why I left Utah.

Sarah said...

I'm from Utah and I would have laughed.

M-Cat said...

I totally would have laughed and then asked if I could come swim in your pool. I even promise I wouldn't pee.

It looks like I have a back up plan for Elder L if the whole "BYU so you can find a righteous wife" thing doesn't work out