With the kids back in school, I’ve had a chance to do a little thinking. And, frankly, that’s got to stop. It just leads to musing. Followed by reflecting. Which of course segues right into contemplating.
And before you know it, I’ve missed “Royal Pains” again, which wouldn’t be a bad thing if I had DVRd it, but because I'm still ambivalent as to whether the lead character’s beautiful eyes can compensate for the fact that at some point in every scene he walks in that sort of swingless shuffle so reminiscent of 7th grade boys I find myself wanting to give him a swirly, I haven’t programmed the TiVo to record it.
(Ha! You thought I’d forgotten where that sentence was headed, didn’t you?)
Not only that, long-term reflection often bumps up against life’s little conundrums, which can be real cranium crackers for SAHMs like me whose kids don’t SAH any more. A few uninterrupted hours wrestling thoughts like the following can have you screeching “it’s ‘Richard the Third’ you illiterate hillbilly!” at Jeopardy contestants and drinking sweetened condensed milk straight out of the can.
So read this list of unanswerable questions with caution. Not everyone has trained for it as long as I have:
1: Why is it, when my planner says, “Finish daily Sudoku before noon” my hair is flawless, but when the schedule calls for something like “Brunch with the Pope” I wind up at the Vatican looking like my head was savaged by an electric mixer?
2: Does anyone really take the surveys at the bottom of their sales receipts? How does that guy at Taco Bell keep a straight face when he’s telling me to go home, log onto “Aychihuahua-dot-com” and answer 20 questions about how well he handed me my bag, all so I might win a free churro? Is there ANYONE besides Paris Hilton who has this kind of time?
3: What possible reason could there be for a grocery store manager to keep a feather duster in his back pocket? If the food has been sitting there so long it requires dusting…
4: Have you noticed that smart people never say, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”? Honestly, could you imagine Steven Hawking saying that? I don’t mean to be unkind, but folks who really believe such a thing probably don’t have much of either going for them.
5: Isn’t it about time we all admitted that any electronic accessory requiring a stylus is just stupid? And this goes double for those virtual signature dealios that are turning up everywhere. They’re so careful about asking for 296 forms of ID before accepting your credit card, only to have you sign a plastic screen using a plastic pen attached with a plastic cord, leaving your signature looking like you sneezed it onto the line.
6: When I’m finally in charge of the universe, there will be one planet for early risers, and one planet for night owls. And the Night Owls planet will eventually conquer the Early Risers planet, and so help me, we will make you our slaves.
7: Why do we name Middle Schools after people? I think the name should give some indication as to what will be going on inside. Of course, this means they would all be called “Lord of the Flies Academy”, but at least then you couldn’t say you weren’t warned.
8: A few significant people in my life have begun saying “anywho,” and I’m really not sure how long I can go without smacking them. Seriously, I am very concerned about this.
9: Could someone please explain to me why it’s all right for a teenager to stand on the stairs and shriek that you are the most hateful, wretched parent ever to be dredged from the U-bend of Satan’s sewer, but when you say, “No, you can’t have a sleepover on a school night,” the same teenager wails, “Why are you TALKING to me like that??”
10: If there is a more sublime junk food combination than McDonald’s fries and Diet Coke, please don’t tell me about it. I don’t think I could take that much happiness.
11: Why is it that the warning on DVDs has the letters “FBI” written so huge and menacingly that your eyes are transfixed too long to read the actual warning? And while we’re on the subject, does anyone really think the FBI will show up at your house and haul you off for duplicating “Baby Einstein”? Because I have a number of FBI agent friends, and I’ve never heard any of them sharing war stories about their DVD arrests. Never.
12: What would possess an otherwise intelligent and rational couple with whom I am personally acquainted to name their ninth child “Superman”? As Doug is my witness, that’s exactly what they did.
13: And finally, are the rest of you as completely UN-surprised as I that Hollywood’s ex-Madam Heidi Fleiss recently opened a dog grooming business here in Las Vegas?
Because, honestly, that’s the one thing in all of this that makes perfect cosmic sense.
“Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
God's in his Heaven -
All's right with the world.”
Thanks, Bobby B. Couldn’t have said it better myself.