Saturday, August 15, 2009

Giving It The Old College Try

Hey, all! (woops! Rubbermaid bin comin’ through!) Come on in, but watch your step!

Just wanted to take a minute and (no, your room is not clean. Try again) say a quick “Hello!” while we’re (because I distinctly remember it having a floor, that’s why) in the middle of packing my college kids and rearranging (oof, what do you have in this pillowcase?) living space.
David and I leave for Salt Lake on Wednesday, (yearbooks?? You filled a pillowcase with yearbooks??) and with his departure I’ll reclaim my (no, I don’t think your roommates will care about your weenie haircut from seventh grade) guest room. Woo-hoo!
He’s starting at the University of Utah (you’ll need hangers, son) on August 24, and he’s doing the major room overhaul (well, for starters, girls notice when a guy’s shirt looks like he stores it in a mason jar) he somehow managed to avoid (why are you putting your long-sleeved T’s in the D.I. pile?) when he left on his mission. (Have you googled SLC winters?)

Meanwhile, Vanessa is prepping for departure (that closet shelf needs to be empty. M. T.) to the BYU formerly known as Ricks (which means the Bratz dolls whose hair you cut to the scalp go in the ‘buh-bye’ pile) on September 5 (along with that EZ Bake oven. Your apartment will have a microwave.)

That promises to be a fun adventure (sorry, Cori, “kicking stuff down the hall” is not an acceptable moving method) for both of us. Unlike the U of U, whose “Welcome to College” theme seems to be (are your arms painted on?) based on Sparta’s military induction program, BYU-I treats the situation (just find a box. Or a laundry basket. Or a llama.) more like an adoption. “Parents can leave their children on the Student Services building steps, and we’ll place them in a loving, nurturing environment.” (What th- ?! Criminy, Jake, that almost hit me!)
Oddly, BYUI does this (well soccer trophies don’t fly under their own power) track system, so Vanessa will be (ask your dad where he keeps the spackle) home again in December. Then she’ll return (I don’t know, have you checked the garage?) to Rexburg in April and won’t come back to Vegas (sorry, son, you can explain to him why there’s a tiny cleat-shaped hole in the door frame) until late July.

It makes for kind of a strange (nice try, but toothpaste and magic marker aren’t going to fool anyone) school year, but at least she can do (you can look up ‘hari-kiri’ on Wikipedia, but I’m pretty sure you’ve got to be Japanese for it to take) all of that wonderful Christmas music stuff during her first semester.
Cori just got her (um…why are all my church books going into your suitcase?) driver’s license yesterday after a marathon, (yeah, well I’m teaching Book of Mormon in Seminary, Isaiah in Institute, and D & C in Gospel Doctrine) 11-hour stand-by session at the DMV.

This is a huge (that means I need my reference materials) relief, since she is doing a college / high school kind of thing for the next (you’ll be living in Church Reference Materials Xanadu, Dave. I think you’ll manage) two years and will be driving between (they’re called “libraries”, son) two different college campuses this first semester.
So Cori’s moving into the (holy crap! Where did you get the idea that dressers roll??) big bedroom, where we’ll be putting David’s bed and Vanessa’s (I swear, if those drawers are jammed again…) desk, all in the hopes that this will inspire her to new heights of (dammit, go find a crowbar) time management and hyper-studiousness.

Anyway, what this mostly means is (do you smell something?) I’m going to be pretty busy for the next (seriously, is someone burning plastic?) couple of weeks, and I’m not sure how much (K, that’s smoke! Why is there smoke coming out of your closet??) blogging I’m going to get done.

Getting my kids into (wait. Where are the Bratz dolls?) college is taking more work and effort (and the EZ Bake oven…?) than it ever did (are you freaking KIDDING me?) when they were little. (Don’t talk to me about “rites of passage” you nitwit!!)

But as hard as it may be to accept, (get the fire extinguisher already!) our kids are growing up.
And they’d better make a success (are those my good salad tongs??) of this college thing. Because by the time (hang on, where are you taking that mess?) we get them packed and moved, (it’s still flaming for crying out loud!!) there will be nothing left (not the pool! Not the pool!! GAAAAH!) of our house, and we'll be forced to live in their basements.
Ah, great. Stupid neighbors called Hazmat again. I guess I’d better get the door.

Enjoy the rest of your summer, chiquitas! Catch you on the flip side!

(I’m coming, I’m coming…sheesh, they act like they’ve never seen a chemical fire before…)

35 comments:

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Have a great time and get lots of rest, parenthetically speaking.

And I know this was totally not the point of your post, but are you really teaching seminary this year? You're an animal!

AS Amber said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That's seriously the funniest thing I've read since you peed Annette's pants and left tent doors flapping in the wind!!!

Bra-vo, sister. One of your best.

I can't believe what an over-achiever Cori is! I'm so proud of her. I'm going to have to text her, though, and get the deets on this 11-hr DMV nightmare.

I'm really excited to have Dave so close! I promise to be a good and kind aunt and have him to dinner at least ONCE during his college career.

And if Ness has any Bratz Dolls with hair left I'm sure Avery would take 'em off her hands. EZ Bake Oven...microwave...crowbar...still laughing my butt off. Seriously. I read it four times.

AS Amber said...

OH!!!! And since you'll already be hip-deep in college stuff...maybe you could take me to UVU and hold my hand and help me out with that whole thing??? Please.

KC Mom said...

You just had me cracking up. I'm currently in Utah dropping off my daughter for college in Provo and it was such a circus getting ready. Of course, I had no words such as these to describe it but it was very similar.
Exept...it was polly pockets...

Chief said...

Thank you for the laugh. Usually Sunday mornings are a bit grumpy as we all try to find belts, scriptures, socks, deoderant....and I tend to scream alot.

This post saved our Sunday morning.

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow DaNae! What a mess, I can smell it from here! Now about the daughter coming to BYUI...are ya freakin' kidding me????? We must chat...in real life! And she has guaranteed cookies at my house anytime, seriously!!!!! I mean it! And by the way, she's on the best track system there is. It's highly sought after. Fall in Rexburg is beautiful....Summer is unbelievable...winter is hell...o...Unless she thinks 20 below zero is a time to wear strappy high heels to class ( I seriouly see this) and since I work in the only Emergency Room in the county, I see them all....frost bitten toes, twisted ankles, with frost bite and cute pedicures.

Email me, I would love you meet you and her and tell her where to eat and places to avoid (the ER) professors to take and those ....not to take (is that judgy?)

Karen said...

Sounds like fun times around your house. I can only imagine the chaos!

Good luck getting everywhere where they need to be!

Kristina P. said...

I told Amber to tell you that my Two Headed Snuggie has been rather lonely, just waiting for you.

I always wanted an EZ Bake oven. Maybe I'll buy one just because.

Annette Lyon said...

I don't know when the last time was I laughed so hard.

I've dreaded the day I send my oldest to college as a sad, horrible day. I'll have to bookmark this for that day and reread it so it'll be easier on me.

Jessica said...

Just think how clam and quiet your house will seem in about 2 weeks. You will have space you didn't even know you had.
I am having issues over sending my kids to school this year in general, I can't imagine how it will be when they are going to college.
Good Luck. Just think of the time when you will get to reap your rewards.

Also, thanks for the info. on how to link my stuff.

Mallory said...

You are the Queen of Hilarity...is that even spelled right? Well, you get the point, and you are!

Jami said...

Oddly, a similar set of paranthetical comments occurred as I read this. My attention span hurts.

veronica said...

I don't even know what to say. You are BRILLIANT!
That could easily be a transcript of any given Saturday cleaning session at our house. Only my kids are younger and now I'm scared for what's ahead of me!

Jami said...

And my funnybone aches.

Sarah said...

I laughed so hard I snorted!

TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

Oh my. I'm tired just reading it! And, somehow, craving a minuscule brownie baked with a light bulb.

Also, I'm feeling even worse than I did before for my friend in my ward who just sent off a missionary, has two going to college, AND a wedding this weekend . Phew. I really should have been over there every day this week helping stop chemical fires or something.

Charlotte said...

I was hoping carrying on dual concurrent conversations ended when my kids got older. At least I know what to expect.

MommyJ said...

Oh dear. I have nothing funny or witty to say. But you are funny. That's for sure.

M-Cat said...

Oh, this was good, you have outdone yourself!!

And it's so dang good to get those kids outta the house!!!

xoxoxox

PS - wouldn't hurt ya to call when your in SLC......

Cindy said...

DeNae, you hit this nail on the HEAD. This is EXACTLY how it was when my first (and only so far) moved out. Only you know how to put it into words that just make us LAUGH TO DEATH! Thanks for this and enjoy the time while they're gone. HAHA...I ENJOY them here, but I love them gone!!
thanks for such an awesome friendship over the years, even if it's been ages since we've seen each other, but when we talk it's like we've never been apart.
You are AWESOME WOMEN! HEUSOME!!! LOL

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Yup, you win the funnybone award. I'll be sending it right out. You'll have room for it now.

okierivermama said...

my conversations like that with the kids have a lot more bad words thrown in and i have a standing threat that all legos and army men in my living room tomorrow are going in the trash
Steff

The B's said...

Been there done that...that was too funny...well minus the Bratz doll thing...firecrackers is the term that fits most in my family. PLUS the boxes and boxes of unopened prized barbie dolls...that we are still storing for this child! (They need an apartment of their own someday!)

charrette said...

Hahahahahaha! This is SO my life! I love the ongoing conversations with your kids that keeps interrupting the blog post. LOVE it!

Hahahaha! You are hilarious! Thank you for cracking me up! Swapping out hte EZBake for the microwave...The shirt that looks like it's been stored in a mason jar...you so just made my day!

Melanie J said...

I thought we would outgrow the hazmat calls when the kids get older. Are you saying it gets worse?

Sher said...

What an amazing multitasker you are!
I can't believe you can write such an amazing post, while helping your kids pack for college.
You are so amaxing!

Sher said...

And wow, Amber's comment is almost as long as your essay, I mean, post.

It must run in the family.

wonder woman said...

I went to BYU-I and it was fantastically wonderful. Adoption is a good analogy.

Good luck with the craziness! I loved that this post felt like we were talking on the phone. Except my asides are more like, "Remember to flush! You've already had a cup of chocolate milk today! Don't hit your brother!"

Cherie said...

I just found your blog kind of by accident and I love it!
This post was hilarious - We sound like we are going through pretty much the same stuff!
As of this year we have all 3 "Y's" covered with our college kids and we are moving bedrooms around too. Crazy stuff...kids moving in, moving out, moving around - enough to keep a mom hopping!

Good luck getting your kids all settled and I'll be back to check out your blog again!

InkMom said...

Hope you're hangin' in there. Just imagine if it was a three day drive. Without sleeping.

I didn't mean to not comment before. I really did think it was hilarious, but I must have been (ahem) interrupted by my children.

L.T. Elliot said...

You're seriously the most hilarious person ever. I'm so glad I found your blog. Ha ha ha!

Kazzy said...

I am with ya. Just moved my son out yesterday to BYU..It makes for a lot of chaos around the old homestead. I loved your back and forth in this post. Do you smell something? LOL

Debbie said...

You do have a lot going on. Took my second one yesterday and today I will start trying to plow through this mess of a house. I'll trade prayers with you, OK?

Anonymous said...

Well its been a while since i have visited your blog, needless to say your still funnayyyy!! I took a break from my personal readings..."I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell"... crazy you guys write alomost EXACTLY the same way! Love you sis, enjoy 1/2 kids time!!

myimaginaryblog said...

You need to find a publisher. I promise to be first in line to buy your book.

(Sounds like I missed you while you were here in Utah. I was pretty swamped getting my young'uns off to school, though. And now you've persuaded me not to send them to college.)