Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Pills and 'Pills' That Make Me Smile

Howdy ho! And howdy to all of you who earn a legitimate living. I’m back home, counting my toes and dipping into my little Trick or Treat bag from what has to be the most enthusiastically pharmaceutical doctor visit since Michael Jackson’s “nutritionist” dropped by with her IV pole.

I’m pretty sure my doctor is a drug dealer. YESSSS!

The irony is, we go to this doctor because he treats all of the guys in my husband’s division, which if you’ve read my profile you will know is a branch of law enforcement. And if you haven’t read my profile you really should, because it’s a freaking work of art over there. Seriously, critics have called my profile essay the “Dogs Playing Poker” of the literary world.

Where was I? Oh, yes, going door-to-door begging for anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, and anti lard-butt cream. I go through truckloads of all of these during the summer, because, and I’m pretty sure I’ve made this clear in posts gone by, my family is insane.

As has been observed in other posts, like this brilliant and daring expose on the addictive properties of Phase 10, my kids don’t do non-school time very well. Goodness, during the school year we barely make it through weekends without lacing each other’s root beer with Nyquil. Major breaks like Columbus Day and Thanksgiving have me sucking my thumb behind the water heater. And summer vacation nearly unhinges me in a thoroughly homicidal and highly caloric way.

Hence the drugs.

But the groovy thing is, my doctor actually went Trick or Treating for me, and came back to the room with THIS bag o’ samples.

He is the most true and living doctor on the earth today, I so TOTALLY testify.

Anyway, this is a this n’ that post, mostly telling you that I had a great time at the bloggers’ dinner last Friday, where I got to hang with some of the HIPPEST bloggers in the galaxy. And they are a few of the other pills that have kept me smiling this summer!

Got to meet Melissa the Wonder Runner, her cute pal Marty, Val of the South who we love anyway even though she brought CRASH some bread and jam and completely dissed me and my posse, Wendy the Queen of the North, and Sarah who is new to our crew but slipped in completely seamlessly!

Non-blogging guests included my daughter Corinne, who now knows more about…um…big girl stuff than she ever needed to know at 16, my sister Kim who sat and soaked in all the talk for future blackmail purposes, and my darling former-student-turned-hysterically-funny-grown-up Christy Nuttall. (Note to Christy’s parents: No eye contact for a year.)

And of course my uber cool sister Amber was there, whose big news was the reason I was in town to begin with (but it’s her story, so keep your eyes and ears peeled), as were our adoptive sisters, Sherrie and ‘Motherboard,’ for whom I would gladly take a bullet or attend a welfare meeting. THAT’S how much I love those gals!

So while I was (hold your hands really far apart) THIS sad to have missed Crash’s lunch in Provo, I did get to spend some quality time with a bunch of truly wonderful women.

And even though Sherrie hit me, like, CRAZY hard and now I’m paralyzed and can’t play the piano or conduct an orchestra or even write or eat on account of her hitting the arm I do that with so now I’ll have to become a drain on society and start having public spats with Paris Hilton, I wasn't the least bit offended because I deserved it on account of having told the world she's got dysmorphia (because why else would someone voluntarily give up sugar, huh?), and I've completely forgotten the entire incident as well as the real ending I had prepared for this sentence.

Of course, now that I’m sufficiently medicated, I’m prepared for the rest of the summer, starting with my husband’s family reunion this weekend. We’re going to Sun Valley, Idaho to stay at a 4-H Camp for a couple of days with his roughly one-point-eight million cousins. Which means I should have a story or two to share upon our return.

(No, I don’t know what the Four Aitches stand for, but according to my experiences of the last 25 years, it’s “Heat”, “Hike”, “Hail”, and, if I get my way, “Hotel.”)

Oh, and don’t let me forget to tell you the story about the time my husband dived into the Colorado River. It’s a classic, and I was encouraged by my new and old pals at the blog dinner to write it down for the benefit of humanity and future generations of internet-based essay readers. All six of them.

Meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your July, and if you haven’t taken my extremely comprehensive Test of Trivial Nonsense Masquerading as History, click over here to do so.

You may find it even MORE exhilarating than a Trick or Treat visit to my dealer, er, I mean, doctor.

Stay cool, amigas!

...and p.s. Happy 22nd to my biggest boy!


Kristina P. said...

I can't believe you have a 22 year old! You don't look old enough. Maybe a 21 year-old, but surely not 22.

Is lard-butt considered a swear word? Let's ask the "Damn" police.

Melanie J said...

Hm. I used butt in my post today. Let me know what the damn police say.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Your pills make me smile too. That's how effective they are. Seriously, someone should sell them. Or something.

Jami said...

I like your doctor.

Also: greater love hath no woman than this, that she sits through a welfare meeting for them.

And also...I have tears of jealousy dripping down my nose that I didn't get to meet any of you because I live in the middle of the troubled state of California. But I'm glad you all had fun.

And did I mention that I like your doctor?

Martha H. said...

Loved getting to meet you. Such a fun, fun night.

Enjoyed the testimony about your doctor. Amen.

The Garden of Egan said...

Well, while we're swearing....
I don't know what the 4 Aitches are, but as an awesome nurse, I know what the 3 Aitches are in reference to enemas.....high, hot and helluvalot.....uhm, can I say that on your blog?

So, I missed the girls dinner, my feelings are hurt that I didn't receive an engraved invite, but I'll try to get over it.

I do hope you make it through the rest of the summer in the drug induced state that you will find yourself in.
Enjoy the "trip"

KC Mom said...

Funny girl.

Melissa said...

Drug dealing "doctors" are the BEST.

Having dinner with you and the crew was the BESTEST!

And please offer my profuse apologies to your lovely daughter.... If she needs further explanation on anything, I would be happy to provide a shadow puppet presentation.


Homer and Queen said...

Welfare Meeting?! Seriously?! Wow...another blogging lunch that I was not invited to? Does EVERYONE hate me? And I LOVE Pristiq!!! My happy pills!!!

Sarah said...

Thanks, that makes me feel better about not being "the funny one in the room"!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

It's obvious to me that your pills make you clever and loveable, so tell your dealere, I mean doctor, to keep them coming.

R Max said...

How long have you had this drug addiction?

Sorry I missed the bloggers dinner. I so wanted you to hook me up with your dealer.

Lara said...

Going to a welfare meeting for someone? Now THAT is true love.

I'm glad you have pills to make you smile. That makes me smile.

Jessica said...

My drug of choice usually involves chocolate, a good book, and my walk-in closet with the door closed. :)

Yours might be a better option.

myimaginaryblog said...

I had not one but two nieces being baptized on Saturday and a different commitment on Friday night, but to honor the blog get-togethers I sent envy thought waves in your direction. I hope you sensed them an that they *almost* ruined your fun (but it sounds like that part of my scheme didn't work.)

myimaginaryblog said...

Oh and thanks to your profile I learned of one of my own malaprops--I'd always thought it was "malice of forethought" rather than "malice aforethought." So thanks for setting me straight on that one.

AS Amber said...

So funny you'd post about pills today. I ran out of mine and had a full-core meltdown. Not even kidding.

I'm getting the refill tomorrow.

And am I the only one who noticed the truly amazing thing that happened on this post???

YOU POSTED A PICTURE!!! I'm so proud of you. You're growing up so fast.

I'm working on my thingie about Saturday. For reals. It was so fun to see you and to laugh our butts off (I wish). Thanks again for coming up!

Have Cori's ears stopped melting yet?

Love, love, love your biggest boy!!!

charrette said...

I don't do school breaks well either. Totally understand the whole begging for pills thing. I have my own huge stash.

Hope you have a GREAT TIME in SunValley...and I also hope with all my heart you make it to a hotel. Preferably THE hotel. Ideally for Sunday Brunch. You will have earned it by then, my friend. :)

Sher said...

Seriously, are you ever going to forgive me for bitch slapping you in front of all those people? maybe I could pay for your welfare checks, or you nice little happy cocktails you love so much.

p.s. on a serious note: I recently quit taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depression medicine, and replaced it with diet and exercise, and I feel better than I have in years.

Just sayin....

Karen said...

That sounds like so much fun! I can't wait to get together with some of my bloggy buddies!

And I really think the makers of pharmaceuticals should be collectively nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

val of the south said...

I so LOVED meeting you last week!! What a great party! And seriously...the stories, the laughs, the education we all received about traveling in Brazil was truly amazing!!

So very sorry I shafted you with the bread and jam ~ next time I promise!!

I think they should use that photo and your testimony in an ad campaign for those drugs. I would totally buy some (or go trick or treating for some!)

I ♥ your blog!

Debbie said...

I wanted to come hang out at your party but I wasn't sure you'd know who I was. So if you ever come up again, maybe I'll have to just sneak in. Don't you love dr friends who supply the samples up the yazooo. It always makes me laugh when my hubby comes home with a bag of 20 samples.

Have fun in Iderhoe.

Debbie said...

You are a hoot with the sample bag. If that lard butt cream works, will you let me know. I fear I am coming down with a terrible case of it.

AS Amber said...

To the first Debbie that commented:
DeNae's out of town so I'll comment on her behalf. The whole point of these blog parties is to get to know each other! It would have been so great if you'd have come!! That way, next time, we'll know exactly who you are!

Kristina P. said...

So, are you back yet? I'm back so you should be back.

Lisa Loo said...

Did you change your profile--cuz I swear the first part is different and I LOVE it! I am SO one of your groupies!

And so funny that I just posted about dreams and Ambien and linked to your blog because I worship you.

I amd SO jealous of your atash--I had no idea thats what grown ups got when they trick or treated. See--you are an educator.