Monday, April 13, 2009

Stuff 'n' Nonsense

Depending on how you look at things, either I never do a random post, or randomness is all I write. Pretty sure my family thinks it's the latter.

This isn't one of those "I don't have any ideas" posts. It's more along the lines of a "things I've wanted to post about but which weren't complete stories in themselves" post.

And you know me: If it doesn't take 1,700 words to say it, don't even open your mouth.

Nevertheless, there are a few 'thisses and thats' buzzing around in my brain that I thought I'd let out for some fresh air and a quick trip to the potty.

Number 1:
Overheard while working on the computer.

"Hey, Cori. Did you know, if there was an orange as big as my arm, it would be worth 27 Weight Watchers points?"

(Apparently Vanessa had pulled out the ancient WW food scale, so old it belongs in the Smithsonian.)

Number 2:
The big boy said at the dinner table last night.

"Of course, this was before minorities were introduced into the Salt Lake City ecosystem."

Number 3:
I'm missing some bloggy friends. Inkmom, Wendy, Life in the Highlands, Deb -- where are you?? I see you commenting on everyone else's blogs, and here I am, the poor kid against the wall at the metaphorical stake dance, eating those nasty, shortening-intensive cookies and wondering why she never gets picked to boogie. Come on, you can tell me. It's because I'm fat, huh?

Number 4:
Have you ever wondered where people go for help when they're addicted to 12-step programs?

Number 5:
Will you think I'm a complete elitist if I gently point out that the words are "pastime" and "slackard", being defined as "That thing we call blogging so we aren't accused of being the other thing."?

Number 6:
And yet, once I spellchecked this post, I got nailed for "slackard", and the suggested replacement word was, in fact, "slacker"!! So, when I say "dullard" (and you never know; I'm like a loaded Civil War relic. If you aren't careful, I may go off and spout archaic words like that without regard for the safety of those around me) am I supposed to now modify it to "stupid head"? I'm telling you, our mother tongue is going to hell in a hand-basket.

Which may explain the recent announcement that the word "ginormous" has been declared legitimate. Yep. It's a real word, Geppetto. Now it can collect survivors' benefits and social security and everything. Welcome to the English language, ginormous. I'm confident you'll fit right in.

Number 7:
OK, so while the guys were at General Priesthood meeting the other night, I finally watched the "Twilight" movie with my girls and MIL. Am I the only one who thinks that kid playing Edward looks like someone sorta smushed in the middle of his face while the clay was still soft? Doesn't he kind of remind you of those dolls people used to make out of old panty hose? Where, exactly, was all the hottiness?

Number 8:
And I'm sorry. That is the dumbest movie I've seen besides everything starring Adam Sandler, Will Farrell, and any rapper except Queen Latifa and Will Smith. Oh, and sports stars.

If my girls hadn't told me ol' Eddy was "sparkling" when he went into the sun, I would have thought the reason he stayed in the shadows was his embarrassment over his pasty, Northwest US complexion. And goodness knows, when we lived up there, my skin was so white it was practically translucent. Heck, I 'sparkled' all the time. Humidity will do that to you, folks.

Number 9:
I'm thinking of writing a second book. Actually, that's what all this blogging business has been about. But on reading past essays, I've discovered that I'm extremely, well, Mormon. But I also use biblical terms in moments of extreme duress, or when I think it will get a laugh. Or when I feel like it. Or when it's, I don't know, Tuesday. So now I'm starting to wonder if I even have an audience out there. Uh oh, here come the doubts......I need Whopper eggs. Stat.

Number 10:
Speaking of.....did anyone else notice that the Whopper eggs were sub-standard this year? I'm afraid next Easter I may have to switch to regular, old-fashioned eggs. You know, the ones with caramel in them...

Number 11:
On the other hand, this is the second Easter in a row where I haven't had to rake up fake grass off my rugs. Yes, young moms, I used a rake. As I told Lara the Overstuffed Opera Diva (that's her blog and her life, not a commentary on her girth. She's actually gorgeous.), it's a very useful tool in the house. In fact, for those of you who, like me, allow so much time to pass between vacuuming sessions that you forget what color your vacuum even is, a carpet rake is an archeological necessity. I've raked up entire layers of my kids' childhoods, layed down like sedimentary deposits on the living room carpet. ("Why look what I've discovered! Artifacts from the early Jacobean era! Air soft pellets and Spongebob underoos." Harrison Ford, eat your heart out.)

Number 12:
And on the subject of saying things on other people's blogs, do you ever leave a comment you think is so wise or so clever or so 'in the zone', you wish you'd kept it to yourself to blog about? No? Heh, heh, well, gosh, neither have I...

Number 13:
Random lines we use all the time but which kind of crack me up.

"We'd like to recognize President Whoziwhatsi on the stand."

("But since he retired, he's put on so much weight not even his wife recognizes him.")


"I'm visiting today with my three kids and my lovely wife, Muffy."

("I leave my ugly wife, Mutty, at home, chained to the radiator.")


"We pray that these two-thousand calorie brownies which are basically a culinary monument to lard and mint icing will give us health and strength or at least not be directly responsible when we keel over from obesity related everything."

("We already know they'll 'do us the good we need'.")


"I look at today's youth, and I can honestly say, I do not fear for the future."

("I keep one cyanide capsule in my pocket, and six in my food storage...")


"My heart is so full."

("But it's got nothing on my bladder.")


"I hate to see the time go to waste."

("And yet, here I sit, blogging complete drivel while the laundry pro-creates on the floor behind me.")


Dang. It's a good thing I didn't actually have a story to tell you all today. Otherwise, this post might have gone on FOREVER!

Have a lovely week! It's supposed to be 85 degrees here in Vegas.

That's right. Pool time.

Neener. Neener.


(I tried a larger font size this time. When you get as old and blind as I am, you appreciate not having to press your nose into the monitor to read someone's blog. What do you think?)

36 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Yeah, where has InkMom been!

And I love you. You understand my bewilderment of the casting of Edward.

The Garden of Egan said...

Too funny! I too, almost start laughing over prayers over the refreshments.
I really loved your post.

TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

re#6 My daughter says ginormous all the time. It bugs me. Mostly because she's referring to the size of my pants.

re#7,8 I agree, where is the Edward hotness in that guy? And, dumb movie. It bugs me that I care about this, though.

re85 degrees. I think I would like you better if you kept that to yourself. ;) Here, it's snow skiing weather. And that is only if you're stupid enough to go out in the below freezing windchill. I knew there was a reason I wanted to move to Vegas.

Shantel said...

Watching Twilight was the first experience I have had with ligitamilty (SO mispelled) feeling old. It was like finding the first gray hair. But in my soul. I completely could not relate to anything happening on the screen. It was empowering. I'm growing up!

Lara said...

Ahh, Twilight. I actually haven't seen it yet, but maybe I should. I hated the books, so I suppose I'll just hate it, which is why I've avoided so long. I liked the kid in Harry Potter...but he's made up so weird in the picturs I've seen of Twilight, that I don't think he's even remotely the same person.

Loved your crazy Mormonisms. I always laugh about prayers over the refreshments...not sure why we bless them. To be thankful for them, sure. That's cool. I'm always thankful for brownies.

And, I'm loving the rake idea. But which sort of rake should I use? We really only have a garden rake, and I think it might not really do the job when it comes to the @$%^* Easter grass. But, I can see that it would be excellent for raking out the underneaths of my children's beds.

And you made me blush. :)

And now my comment is at least as long as your post.

SO said...

My laundry is procreating as well. I think you should write a book. I love your writing style.

The showing of Twilight that I went to was a hoot! The audience was rolling around laughing. I loved it, even though I hated the movie. That stupid Spider Monkey comment was the nail that sealed the coffin. Oh and the sparkly Edward looking like a snow baby.

MommyJ said...

Um. I'm not inkmom. But I am her sister. She's pregant people. She spends a tremendous amount of time sleeping. And a little barfing. But mostly sleeping. Like I call her four times a day to make sure she's awake and her children are all alive, sleeping... she's good though. And I'm sure she'll be happy to know she is missed. :)

I like the big font. It made me feel like everything you had to say was REALLY important.

Melissa said...

Thank you for the BIG FONT! You see, being as almost old as you are, I can barely see half the time, and so when these young
whippersnapper bloggers get all decorative with their backgrounds and their teeny tiny fonts, I just sometimes have to give up! But you, you're different, you're thinking of the rest of old farts.
Thank.You.

Beka said...

I confess, I have not yet seen Twilight either. But there are women in my ward that are falling all over themselves about it. For the longest time, there hasn't been a Twilight-free Enrichment Night, Girls Night Out, or Ward Potluck that wasn't littered with, "WHAT! You haven't read/seen it yet!? We can't be friends anymore!"

(Okay, I made up that last line, but it does feel like you're being acosted right there in the gym.)

I hate to judge a book by the cover, so to speak, but I'm pretty sure I'll hate it. It's good to know there is a support group right here in the "blogosphere" that confirms that I don't need Edward in my life!

Thanks for this post! I say ginormous all the time, too. Mostly when trying to make a point to my kids. And, you should write another book. Please don't sacrifice that for the laundry!

susette said...

Oh my goodness!! How does one girl have so many amazing and funny things to share with us bloggers? I'm sorry some of your blogging comment friends have ditched you. I'll make up for one of them if you'd like?

So, I'll just make some random comments seeing how you have so much for me to comment on.

♫ I love having big boys in the house at this time in my life. They provide such humor and fun!

♫ My counsin lives in Vegas and she said the weather has been so incredibly beautiful. JEALOUS!!

♫ I love the ginormous word. Yay that it's a real word now.

♫ I've read the entire Twilight series but have had no desire to see the movie yet. Am I the last female alive to not do so?

♫ No Easter grass issues at our house with only big people around. In fact those rascals refused to find eggs. Heck, we told them to hide them and let me and daddy find them but NOOOO.....

♫ Your this and that Number 13 totally cracked me up. Those things are all so true but I really like the way your brain sees those in a different way. So, so, funny :))-that's my double chin.

Well, thanks for letting me ramble on, and enjoy your beautiful day of sunshine. I know I will here to (finally) ☼

myimaginaryblog said...

#2 My kids already say precocious thing, but now you've got me frightened for when they're older. Frightened, yet sort of eager.

#5 Sorry to be such a dullard, but I'm *pretty* sure slackard's never been a word. The world is a sad, bleak place sometimes.

Also, I saw someone use the word as "gynormous" one time, and they happened to be talking about big hair, which I thought was quite fitting.

#5b I've got your post open in a different window from the comment window so I can easily go back and forth to check what else I wanted to respond to. If only I could be this efficient in more practical areas. (But at least I've got a pastime to use my talents.)

#6 -- BEST description of Edward ever. And now, if you haven't already seen them, you need to search YouTube for satirical Twilight trailers. (But I did enjoy the movie, because it was so much better than the book -- although I realize that's not saying much.)

#6b True quotes from my sister, who had not read the book, while she watched Twilight:

"I thought vampires can't be seen in mirrors," and, after we'd explained that to kill a vampire you have to tear it apart and burn it, "Is that true for all vampires, or just in Twilight?" The second quote actually shocked me, because it's one thing to be ignorant about the Twilight universe, and quite another not to be familiar with the *traditional* methods for killing vampires.

#8 The sparkly thing is actually kind of cool in the book, where she doesn't describe it as a person being coated with Elmer's glue and glitter.

#9 I've always thought I couldn't write a book since I really don't know anything about how the world functions outside Mormon spheres. I think I've worked through that concern, though -- so my new excuse is being lazy and/or having too many children. (Although I think you've now inspired me to write a book about domestic archeology. But don't worry, I'm far too lazy to really steal your concept.)

#10 Half my kids didn't really like most of their Easter candy. What is WRONG with them?

#12 I never bring up interesting topics on my own blog, and I have actually done posts where I culled and compiled my comments from other blogs. Lately, though, I've been too lazy to cull and compile but not too lazy to write long comments, so I could make yard-long blog post if I did one of those. (Do you sense a "lazy" theme? But "lazy" is really my shorthand for "mother of 5, and one of them is just a few weeks old.")

Also, you say very funny things sometimes on other people's blogs. I think that's how I got here; I finally wanted to know who the funny one was enough to bother clicking your name.

#13 My brother came up with my favorite satirical prayer line (which he's never actually said in a real prayer): "We ask that this food will fortify us against the coming day."

My 11-year-old son also came up with his own line for prayers: "We thank Thee for all Thou hast blessed us with, and all Thou may bless us with." He uses it with vain-repetition-like regularity, but I love that it's an *original* vain repetition.

----

Do you think maybe I should stop pursuing my "pastime" now so my kids can have lunch? Yeah, I know.

Have fun swimming. I think we're going to spend one night this week at a motel somewhere for Spring Break, just so my kids can swim in a pool.

Loralee and the gang... said...

Yeah, I have these types of random thoughts that are never completely post-worthy.
And I would say to:
#3 - I know the feeling - I have commented on your blog quite a few times; have you come on by my blog? I would love it...
#4 - That's way too funny
#6 - You know a slang word like 'ginourmous' has become official when old farts like me AND my parents started using it on a regular basis
#7 - My youngest daughter is all swooney over ol' Ed. But her mom wishes she could have had a boyfriend in high school that looks like Jacob. Now he's the hottie, I think!
#8 - I liked Twilight only because I went to see it with my 3 girls - ages 22, 15, and 11. It was just a fun girl's bonding time.
And I was dissapointed in Ed's teeny tiny sparkles, too.
#9 & 10 - I LOVE Whopper's! But not the easter egg kind.
# 11 - I wish I would have thought of the rake 25 years ago. Now I just don't use it.
#12 - and you have, too? I thought I had to be the only one!

And I love your new font! But the old one was ok, too.

:~D

elesa said...

"We'd like to recognize President Whoziwhatsi on the stand."

Oh, your response to this was almost caused me to fall off my chair. And it is going to make me laugh every Sunday from now on. Thanks!

elesa said...

And I is good to writing.

InkMom said...

I'm here, I'm here!

And can I plead number twelve? I have actually been inspired to write several posts because of what I've read on your blog. Except I've had a problem lately. I come up with a great idea to blog about, and then I forget what it was, or where the idea even came from . . . and then I fall asleep.

You wanna hear a good one? I'll probably blog about this for real, but just to make you feel better, I'll put it here first:

Spoken out loud by 4-year-old G-Dog, in the car, late one night last week: "I don't want to grow hair on my ..... and I don't want to be too big for my little bathtub." Followed, of course, by stunned silence, then stifled giggles from the captain's chairs in the front of the mini-van, and then a brief assurance that he has lots of time before he has to even think about hair growing on his . . . ahem.

I was under the impression that minorities have still not been introduced to the SLC ecosystem. Am I wrong?

I've been saying ginormous for years. Who do I contact for credit and/or a royalty check? You can find that word LOTS of places on the blogosphere.

Write a book, write a book! Mormon-ness is good!

Half of the Whoppers in my bag looked more like Sixlets than the big, plump Robin Eggs I'm used to. Bummer.

Solution: paper grass. Easy to vacuum, doesn't get tangled around the roller thing. Voila!

Am I up to 1700 words yet? Oh, well. Youngest is climbing on the computer.

Before I forget -- I loved your post about sheep. I can hardly read the title without hearing that chorus from "The Messiah". I love how the music wanders symbolically as well. And the image of the sheep with red marks, struggling so hard to NOT be make whole . . . priceless. What an experience for your family.

Gotta go. Two kids are naked and the third is yakking. Ah, the joys.

(And I am sufficiently chastened!)

(Word Verification: oushatin. I share because it sounds biblical, kind of. I bet you could work it in somewhere.)

Jessica said...

I was at a scout pack meeting where someone (an adult) said the prayer thanking for the "not healthy what-so-ever treats that we will be eating." She said that she just couldn't bring herself to pray for anything else.

Sher said...

I relate to #11 on so many levels it's scary. Ok, well, not so much the raking part as much as the not vacuuming part.
And 85 degrees? I'm on my way!.....

InkMom said...

Here's what I forgot: better to not remember what color your vacuum cleaner is than to have not used it in so long you can't remember what color your carpet it underneath all the crap.

Vomit landed in toilet, thanks be to God.

Lacy said...

Denae, definitely agree with the Whopper eggs this year, they were terrible (good for my thighs I guess, but bad for the childhood memories :) And you should have had the opportunity to go to see Twilight with Travis, Bob Whitaker,and Scott Horlacher. They were the only men in the theatre and had comments for everything. It's actually a good thing we took them, they were much more entertaining than that terrible movie!
p.s. have you seen Travis's impression of Edward on my blog? It makes me giggle every time I look at it, you will have to give him a hard time about it next time you see him :)

Christy said...

DaNae, I'm with you Twilight was dumb and the guy wasn't hot. I wanted him to be, but he was not cute and too pale.

Shawn said...

Like the bigger font---I'm blind, also.


And while I've never seen Twilight---only person on the face of the earth that couldn't stomache the books OR the movie----I agree that the guy that is supposedly supposed to be hot playing the lead is SOOOOOO unattractive---he makes me sort of throw up a bit....

Karen said...

I LOVE you!

And I'm glad to know someone else shares my complete bewilderment at the popularity of that controlling and obsessive bloodsucker.

Those responses to questions and statements (#13)were hilarious!

Rachel said...

I read your guest blog at MMB and loved it, so I thought I would pop over here and see what was going on. So glad I did. Because I was forced to start laughing and comment because:
1. If you wrote a book, I would totally read it.
2. Do you really say those things when someone says that at church? Because if you did, I could never sit by you. I would laugh too hard and they would ask me to leave the meeting.
3. I haven't watched Twilight yet, but I read it and it drove me nuts. There is a spoff floating around on you tube that is hilarious, though.

Melanie J said...

1. My husband loathes the word ginormous with every fiber of his being.

2. In high school, I pointed out the contradiction of blessing the donuts every Friday morning to "make us strong and healthy." The kid that gave the prayer that morning paused in the middle and then said, "Bless the donuts they won't kill us." And that's what stuck. Everybody said it every Friday for the rest of the year.

Melanie J said...

I meant every Friday morning in seminary. Because I was THAT kid.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Loved the larger font but I still held down Ctrl and swiveled the little wheel deelie on the mouse to make it larger. My eyes are not what they once were.

I want to see the Muffy that is chained to the radiator. Do you think it will make the Salt Lake City news?

Too bad you didn't have anything to say, today.

AS Amber said...

You're a freakin' spaz!

Rachel: You wouldn't want to sit by her in church for other reasons: she's a church texter. That's right. I outed you!

Avery starts every one of her prayers with, "please bless this day"...this is her BEDTIME prayer. Oh and she says, "please bless our blessings", too.

K, you KNOW I love, LOVE, love Twilight. But that movie is one of the lamest things I've ever seen. Cedric Diggory is soooooo not cute.

Did you notice the trend again? In your "random" post, people left "random" comments.

I'll tell Wendy you miss her.

Patty said...

Chuckle chuckle, snort snort....too busy laughing, trying to catch my breath. Complete agreement on the whole Twilight thing and Edward. The werewolf is much cuter!!!

Devon said...

LOLOL heart is full....ah...(wipe a giggle tear out of my eye...)

At the risk of a public lynching, I would like to confess that I hate the Twilight series (though I have read ALL of them). I refuse to see the movie, and I too fail to see the drop-dead gorgeousness of Edward. I thought he looked better as Cedric Diggory...

Cindy said...

I loved this post and #12 is my fave. you always post such great things on my blog and this week touched my heart! How my voice was along side your voice in your personal background music! I love you to death!

Music, writing, reading, church, good husbands, great kids: boy we should be sisters!!
Love you Nae!

R Max said...

Just when I thought you couldn't get any funnier...


FYI - I have not seen, nor do I ever intend seeing Twilight, the movie. As if reading the book wasn't bad enuff...

Seriously, how did you get so funny? I actually want to know. Can it be bottled?

Qait said...

Oh I laughed SO hard my baby even decided he should laugh, too! I'm saving this one for my husband, he's got to read it. HAhahhah I love it, I'm still laughing!
And yeah, I know how you feel about those "archaiac" words. I have a plethora up my sleeve. I've begun to wonder if the life of literature is being forced to its end because "ppl" insist on speaking like cavemen. ttyl, lol. (barfle)
ps: yeah, sometimes my comments are so thought-provoking and humorous and intelligent that I sit for a few minutes revelling in my genius before I consent to posting and letting everyone else see it (what if they copied my ideas and made a blog all based on my wonderfulness??!)

Qait said...

I HAD to say-- perfect Edward description.
In the theatre we were surrounded by all these teenyboppers (and not-so-teenyboppers)who even brought their books with them. Whenever it showed a close up of Edward or had him saying such sweetful things as "I love to watch you when you sleep" the girls all giggled and sighed. Oh disgustipating.
But it was a bonding experience for my husband and me because once again, like from the moment of our first date, we were united in our ostracization from the world's stupidity. Thank goodness.
Perhaps someday all my wordsmithing will reach the dictionary, too. I can do better than GINORMOUS. Heck, that WAS a word when I was growing up.

Stacy Smith said...

My husband and I are laughing so hard that he's crying and I just started a major coughing fit! If I wake the sleeping baby because of your blog, you're responsible for nursing him back to sleep!

Melanie J said...

Ha, ha! I just realized I told my blog post title today from you and I didn't even know it. It's because I'm on your crazy train for sure!

Launi said...

I remember those old words--but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm older than they are. HOWEVER--this doesn't make me opposed to inventing my own words. I think I made up magnamonious a long time ago. It was so good that my daughter--a linguistics major at BYU used it in an oral presentation and totally got away with it. She came in the house yelling, "Mom, you made that word UP, didn't you?" She was hysterical. It was so great!

You make me laugh so hard my mascara runs off my chin. Nice going.