Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Fan Mail and Other Works of Fiction

As regular readers of this blog know, Facebook has started a club dedicated entirely to celebrating my acute narcissism. I use the word ‘acute’ because it sounds kind of like how I feel about myself, which of course adds credibility to Facebook’s observations. Oh, well. I’m totally over Facebook. I don’t want to hear another word about Facebook. As far as I’m concerned, Facebook is SO last Thursday.

But being as cool as I am -- and hey, drink in that profile pic, baby -- means I receive a TON of fan mail. Seriously. Every day the Mail Delivery Professional hauls a ginormous bag of letters up to my house, throws a brick through the window, curses me in Farsi, then hauls the bag back to the truck and drives down the block to put a couple of envelopes in our slot in the community box.

Why he does the first three things heaven only knows. It could have something to do with that time I sort of left a loaded mousetrap in my box because I was pretty sure the androgynous python breeder up the street was sneaking peaks at my “Piano Teachers Unleashed” magazine. You want to see me in that centerfold, Dale, you gotta subscribe like everyone else.

So now I’m pretty sure Haziz the Mail Delivery Professional farts on all the perfume card inserts. But I rub them on myself anyway. Otherwise, the Mail Delivery Professionals win.

Given that my secretary is largely a figment of my imagination (it’s my dog, Sadie, only as my imaginary secretary she has opposable thumbs and can tell callers, “I’m sorry. DeNae is dead. You’ll have to sue her estate to collect on that gym membership.”) I have fallen dreadfully behind on answering my mail.

And I would never want any of my twelve real followers to feel neglected, not to mention the -- hang on, gotta count-- 63 fake followers I conjured up back when Motherboard quit following me and sent me into a narcissistic tailspin where, for a good 24 hours, I actually thought about someone besides myself, a long dark day I don’t soon wish to repeat, thankyouverymuch.

So, in my typically efficient way, I’m going to answer my mail right here! I know! It’s like Arbor Day and Scoliosis Checkup Week all rolled into one! I can’t wait to see what I have to say to me, er, I mean, to YOU, my totally real and completely not made up letter writing pals!

Let’s start with this one from Mary of Limewash, Wyoming:

“Dear DeNae,
“I’ve been reading your blog for some time now (going on 20 minutes) and you’ve inspired me to become a blogger, too. I have already written several novels, have won the Nobel Prize in ‘Being Better At Everything Than Everyone in the Whole Wide World Especially DeNae’, and am currently dating a guy who looks a lot like that Hugh Jackman dude everybody was slobbering over in your last post. But I’m having a hard time breaking into the blogging industry. What advice would you give a beginning blogger like me? By the way, Facebook sucks.”

Well, Mary, while your observations regarding Facebook’s unusual gravitational field are tremendously insightful, you make no mention of your ability to upload videos of your cat dressed in a blue Snuggie and performing scenes from “Hairspray”, which, I’m sorry to inform you, means you don’t really have what it takes to make it as a blogger. Get used to rejection, Mary. These are the big leagues.

How about this one from Maximilliana, the Queen of the Maoris:

“Dear DeNae,
“Your blog mostly seems to be a bunch of stories about all the stupid things you do, or the stupid things other people do while you laugh at them, or the stupid things sheep do. Tell me, do you have an ounce of common sense? Because near as I can figure, if brains were party favors, yours would be the snot-filled kazoo.”

Oh, like you’re the first person to tell me THAT, Maximilliana.

Here’s one from Goldie of Grumpy Trees, Utah:

“Dear DeNae,
“You keep saying that Facebook is Satan’s Memo Pad. But all my little friends are pestering me to write on their walls and communicate with them and stuff. How should I respond to this diabolical peer pressure?”

Um, Goldie, do you not read the introductory paragraphs? Have I not made it clear that the mere mention of Facebook causes me to break out in B-level profanity, something for which I’ve taken no small amount of heat right here on this very blog? What the hell are you asking me Facebook questions for? Sheesh. Good thing you aren’t my sister or I’d give you such a wedgie.

Here are a couple of letters from Hek of Roosamok, Australia:

“Dear DeNae,
“Are you jealous that my abbreviated name, with which I identify myself on my blog and also when I comment on everyone else’s posts sounds kind of swear-wordy and biblical but really isn’t, so I get away with saying it, like, all the time, unlike you, who can’t even say it on your own personal blog without someone getting completely uptight and knicker-twisted?”

Yes. I am.

“Dear DeNae,
“Ha! I knew it! Anyway, here’s my other question: In a recent interview did New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd really ask Biz Stone, the unfortunately named 35 year-old founder of “Twitter”, whether there was anything in his childhood that led him to want to destroy civilization as we know it?”

As a matter of fact, she did. Which means as soon as I’m finished here, I’m nominating Maureen Dowd as Pope.

And, finally, this question from Svetlana of Freezeyerkiester, Minnesota:

“Dear DeNae,
“Did you really just use ‘ginormous’ in a sente --"

Well, looks like that’s all the mail we have time for –

“Because I thought you hated --"

Thank you all for writi—

“I mean, didn’t you say --"

Have a great—

“But --"

ALL RIGHT!! I confess! I like the word ‘ginormous’, OK? Satisfied, Svetlana? Our relationship is very complicated right now and I’d appreciate a little privacy while we work through some things.

I mostly liked that word because it was rebellious, edgy, sort of the Robert Downey, Jr. of words. When it came out of rehab and got all respectable and put in dictionaries and stuff, well, it just wasn’t as sexy to me any more.

As a serious writer like Sylvester Stallone I know I should be ashamed of my regular use of ‘ginormous’, but I promise it’s only recreational. It does NOT interfere with my work. I’ve never missed a deadline or lost a Pulitzer nomination because of ‘ginormous’. In fact, I believe it enhances my writing and makes me great fun at parties.

Criminy, this is exactly why I don’t answer my mail more regularly. Sassy-mouthed letter writers. I’m going to grab myself a ginormous diet Coke, fire up Facebook, and see if I can fine tune my swearing skills.

And you know what? The first wall I’m writing on is Hel’s!



Kristina P. said...

Oh my goodness! We get some of the same fan letters!

But mine has more word like "satanic", "slutty", and "should be banned from the Internet."

They are awesome.

Lara said...

What I want to know, is why I wasn't invited to join this Facebook group that is all about DeNae. Heck (hek?) I want to be the Vice President!

Melissa said...

I just peed a little. Thanks! I am going to have to make sure I empty my bladder from now before I read any of your posts!

Shantel said...

You really exsist somwhere? Seriously? You have real people around you that get to feed off your thought process? I am so Jealous. I have friend envy. You are so talented. You must bring Gospel Doctorine to a whole 'nother level. Nicker-twisted is giong to keep fuel in my giggle engine for months.

Karen said...

I'm doing something wrong! I never get letters like those. I'm not angering the right people...

That Girl in Brazil said...

All your creativity sucks my brain dry. So I'll be your treasurerer, obviously, since that's a position that doesn't require too much thinking.

2+2 is ....? What Hugh Jackman?

AS Amber said...

So can I count on you to bring the Kazoos to Harley's birthday party?
I, too, was surprised to see the use of ginormous in the post! I'm glad you two could make up.
I'm watching your bf right now in U-571...mmmmm.....
And thanks for the warning about bringing up Facebook...no wedgies for me!

Crissie said...

DeNae - I really think that you should come over and clean my computer monitor for me because EVERY TIME I read your blog, I do that very unattractive spurt of a laugh that sends spit flying and my monitor is covered with little spatters. Really - I hold you responsible for that.


Della Hill said...

"if brains were party favors, yours would be the snot-filled kazoo."
That's the funniest thing I've read in a week. Or at least since your last post.
My favorite word is fantabulous. Think you can fit that in?

SO said...

I want fan mail. But I guess I'll have to leave it all to you and Kristina.

Lisa Loo said...

Arbor Day and Scholiosis Week all rolled into one---Alaska here we come...

Mona said...

DeNae - you're hysterical.


Melanie J said...

I don't really care for Arbor Day, but Scoliosis Week is my favorite! I'm in favor of any holiday that requires at least partial nudity, even if it is for a medical screening where you have to bend over and touch your toes while your deformed spine arches and peaks in strange and unexpected S-formations. (Well, mine makes a "C" but much like Anne with her "e", I've always felt the S-curve was much cooler.)

Anyway, please let me know if I've overlooked any other partial nudity holidays. My husband periodically shouting a hopeful, "Spring Break!" a couple of times a night for the last two years because he thinks I'll pull my shirt up doesn't count.

Sher said...

Dear Denae-

I just wanted to tell you...facebook, facebook, facebook facebook.....Mwahahahahah!

(p.s., If you want to talk to me, I'll be on facebook)

Love you!!!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I've decided to create a Facebook group called "Don't send DeNae fan mail." Hope it helps. And maybe it's just me, but I think Svetlana is a genius. Maybe if you want to limit your popularity you could do a pre-rubbed perfume card giveaway? Just a thought.

Hel said...

Next time you want to use the biblical term, why not take my name in vain instead - just as long as you link up every time, I wont get as uptight about it as some deity's do.

Poor Svetlana couldn't even get one question out while Hek got two.

I like that Melissa just peed a little. That has got to be TRUE mommy blogging right there. I'm sure we all do it at some point Melissa... get so involved with our writing that we just let ourselves go. It happens to me on a daily basis.

Shawn said...

Ok, I have a lot to say---but I am still stuck on the visual of Hugh Jackman...

Ok--------Oh, my "fan" letters are mean---you are so lucky that you have so many who worship you and the computer that you write on.

You are a funny gal---gotta say it!

And am I one of the real followers or do you not appreciate me?

The Garden of Egan said...

DaNae, I do appreciate you changing my name and using a psuedoname to keep me from being identified in one of your letters!

You are so stinkin' funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I should have saved you for bedtime. Now all my laughing genes are saggy and by bedtime they will be perky again and everyone knows saggy laughing genes make for better sleep. Hek.

Debbie said...

Just found your blog today and spent 20 minutes reading through a bunch of it. Hilarious.

The Garden of Egan said...

Hey....what ward are you in? I think it might be worth a drive to attend your GD class!

verification word:

Debbie said...

Hey, I prefer blogging over facebook, too. Besides, in the blogging world I can go on and on about nothing and no one can stop me. BTW! I really enjoy reading your random thoughts and ponderings.

Heidi said...

DeNae- You're awesome and hilarious. The. End.

Except, not really. :) Thanks for making me laugh over and over and over. I shared your blog with my family (they particularly loved the Epistle to the Roamin's) and they're sharing it, now, too. If you suddenly get a huge jump in readership... well, we have a big family. :)b

R Max said...

I just want you to know that I wore my mask over here since you are obviously paranoid as well as snot-filled.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Dear DeNae,

I hate facebook too. It's creepy. I always bring a big fly swatter whenever I go to my wall.

I also love the word ginormous!

We have so much in common. I think we should be Facebook friends.

LY, DeNae. You crack me up!


P.S. What the what? Motherboard stopped following you? Ouch. Maybe she stopped following me too. I don't check anymore. DeNae you have to get thick skin when you hit the big leagues.

Lucy said...

Great post. And funny. I always enjoy reading your posts. Thanks.

Debbie said...

Where have I been that I haven't found you before now. I read your comment on another blog and I was laughing so hard, I had to come over. You are a hoot.

Helene said...

I came over from Karen's blog and I'm so glad I did! You're a riot!!!!!

Lisa Loo said...

hey you--its been 5 whole days since you posted and I for one am missing you--just sayin...