Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Bloomin' Idiots

I think I’m gay.

And I’m convinced some of you women out there are to blame. Thanks a lot. My husband is going to be totally frosted about this. He’s pretty sure I like guys.

What’s crazy is, until yesterday, I was pretty sure I liked guys, too.

But, while wandering through Borders looking for something my kid could read which is at his “lexile level” and at the same time not written for 30 year-olds, I started mentally composing this post.

And the next thing I knew, I was out of the closet.

Perhaps I should back up a little. Establish the mise en scene, as it were. (I think it means ‘set the stage,’ but since ‘ginormous’ became a real word, I haven’t been sure of anything.)

Our middle school uses a reading program called “Reading Counts.” Kids take a test to determine how well they read, as defined by a Lexile number. Then they are required to choose a book from the library that has been rated at their same level, read it, and take a computerized test about it.

The problem is, once you get past a certain level, the books which are difficult enough to challenge the readers are not necessarily appropriate for, say, 7th grade boys. And if the 7th grade boy in question has ADD to the degree that prescription medication and extreme maternal vigilance are required for him to read anything longer than the ingredients on a frozen pizza, well, the situation becomes even more difficult.

So I was stomping around Borders, grumbling about books my kid can read versus books he should read, and my thoughts drifted to the larger question of what ‘age-appropriate’ reading really is, whether it is limited to books or could be extended to other forms of entertainment, and if kids are the only ones who should be required to stay within certain boundaries.

Now, as every sentient being on the planet is by now undoubtedly aware, the “Twilight” video burst forth from the forehead of Zeus a couple of weeks ago, landing in a gooey, sparkly mess at Wal Marts, truck stops, doctor’s offices, mausoleums – pretty much anywhere that might have a counter and a cash register.

This, of course, led to a resurgence of slobbering, chest-heaving vapidity from that segment of the population which behaved in exactly the same pubescent way back when the movie first premiered:

Middle-aged women.

I gotta tell you, ladies. Hanging out with some of y’all is getting embarrassing. Seemingly sane and rational gals from all walks of life are inexplicably hosting parties, developing web sites, and writing articles dedicated to the hunky, romantic awesomeness of Edward, the forever-young but old-when-it-counts protagonist of what has to be the greatest monument to mediocre writing since the dark years of the “Harry Potter” dominion.

Recently, I read a couple of posts by the “Normal Mormon Husband”, wherein he attempts, among many things, to answer one question folks brave enough to risk a virtual lynching are asking, namely, “What proof is there that Edward the Vampire is capable of flatulence?”

I won’t go into detail regarding his insights. But, holy saddle-bags, Trigger! You want to see some rabid defenses of the “Twilight” books, the movie, and its stars? Perhaps even sign a petition supporting every 40 year-old’s constitutionally protected right to sleep with a picture of a 17 year-old boy tucked into her nightie? Read the comments on NMH’s posts.

The thing is, I thought to myself as I shopped, if the scenario were somehow reversed, if, instead of “Twilight,” we had “Sunrise,” a wildly popular book and movie series about an eternally youthful and perpetually sexy girl, and men in their 30’s, 40’s, even their 50’s were salivating all over themselves, fawning and drooling with every mention and image of the hot little number playing 17 year-old “Saffron,” how long do you think it would take us women to brand the guys a bunch of pervert creeps and call for their 'biblical farm animals' on a pike?

I’m thinking the answer to that absurdly long question is, “Not very.”

I’d write a poem about it, but I can’t find a word that rhymes with “hypocrite.”

However, just as I was about to drown in this sea of self-righteousness, that voice inside my head whose entire purpose, it seems, is to keep me from imploding under the crushing weight of my own sanctimony, piped up and said, “Um, DeNae? Does this mean we have to break up with Orlando Bloom?”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just hold the phone, little voice in my head. There is NO need for crazy talk. Our relationship with Orlando Bloom is a completely different matter. Completely. No comparison. Goodness, where do you come up with these things?

But the more I thought about it, I feared that sassy little voice might, just might, have a point. While it’s true that Mr. Bloom is significantly older than Robert Pattison, and he portrays characters that presumably have started to shave, there is no denying the fact that Orlando is more than a decade younger than my middle-earth self.

And when his movies cause my tongue to snap off its roller, I admit I should at least have the decency to look embarrassed.

But, dang, I argued with myself, he is just too swashbucklingly charming in those “Pirates” movies not to have the occasional non-sexual fantasy of working alongside him, maybe as a part time pillager or something. I realize the only way I could fill one of those “buxom wench” dresses would be to shop at NASA’s Gravity Defying Lingerie Emporium, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

And of course, I continued, there’s Legolas, the gorgeous warrior-elf in the “Lord of the Rings” historical documentary series. Who could resist that beautiful, flawless face? Those thick, dark eyelashes? That long flowing blond mane subtly braided in the Alice in Wonderland style? That adorable…um…mini skirt…and…and leggings combination? That….er…that…well…

And then it hit me. How could I have missed it the first eighty-six times I watched all 13 extended hours of the movies (the only true and living version of LOTR on the earth today I so testify)??

Throw in a flaming baton routine and a pair of stilettos, and Legolas could be Miss Universe! For cryin’ out loud the guy even wears a TIARA! He’s prettier than most of the women I know!!

Hell, in the right light, HE’S the buxom wench!

What the heck am I doing, finding him all attractive and stuff?

“Oh, he’s so cute! Oh, he’s so romantic! Oh, he’s such a freaking GIRL!!”

See? The facts speak for themselves. I’m a lesbian. And I am totally chagrined about the whole thing, let me tell you. Particularly since you ladies started it all. That’s right, I’m talking to YOU, you sparkly vampire loving cradle robbers.

Don’t you think it’s high time you joined us in the real world where women of our demographic are expected to swoon over thick-waisted CPAs who have a better chance of braiding the hair growing out of their ears than the stuff attempting to cover their heads?

Our own Hottie McHotsters may not know much about swashbuckling, but they could certainly fill volumes on un-buckling, particularly after a heavy meal.

My hero may never take down an Oliphant with a quiver full of magical elf-arrows, but he can sure make a t-bone wish it had never been born.

And he pretty much sparkles all over the place, especially when he comes in from mowing the lawn.

But more than anything, ladies, these fellas love and indulge and put up with us even when we develop unseemly crushes on young men far more lovely and fair than we, in all our middle-aged glory, could ever hope to be. That’s got to count for something.

If nothing else, it makes me wish I still liked guys.

37 comments:

Kristina P. said...

After this post, I realized I am gay too. And in love with you.

Will you be the Samantha Ronson to my Lindsay Lohan? Obviously, I have to be Lindsay. I can't be the one that looks like a dude.

Nichole said...

HA HA HA! That was ToO enTerTaINinG!

myimaginaryblog said...

Thanks for reminding me that I keep forgetting to buy my husband a nose-and-ear hair trimmer.

Melinda said...

Oh crap, I must be gay too. My poor children...
This post was seriously hysterical. Thanks for making me laugh!

Mallory said...

My husband is going to be pretty disappointed...and that's all I have to say!

InkMom said...

Not me, ladies. I firmly assert my attraction to manly men such as Aragorn and Captain Jack Sparrow . . . wait. Maybe not so manly. But Hugh Jackman is surely man enough to prove my sexuality is as I have always claimed it to be? Nope. He did that Broadway stint playing a gay song and dance man. Not exactly the epitome of masculinity. I'm beginning to think Hollywood has picked up on androgyny and its obvious pluses when you're looking to form significant, long-lasting, one-sided relationships with one dimensional characters.

Sigh. As least I can find some solace in the knowledge that I have my own personal Edward, because, lucky me, my CPod actually does sparkle in the sun, and it ain't 'cause he's been sweating, ladies. He is what they called in the Book of Mormon "fair and delightsome", so put those sunglasses on the next time you meet us at the beach, because he's pale and proud. And it's just going to have to be good enough for me!

Wait! I've got it! Is anyone attracted to Jack Palance? If so, you're definitely not a lesbian. And also, you just might be the only one.

(Can you at least give me Daniel Craig as bond? He's so masculine he's almost not cute anymore.)

Della Hill said...

Dang.
And I thought I was only fawning over Kiera Knightly because my husband was always pointing her out.
But Legolas....oh, Legolas.
Honestly, I didn't really think Orlando Bloom was near as hot as any other character he played.
And I wasn't all that into Edward either.
I liked Jacob better in the movie, but now I understand that was only because he had long hair!
Should I make an appointment with my bishop?
Thanks, you succeeded in making me laugh out loud and breaking down my closet door.
-Della

InkMom said...

I meant Daniel Craig as Bond, James Bond. Also known as 007. You can legitimately be attracted to Bond now that Pierce Brosnan has abdicated the part to someone much more suited to the role.

The Garden of Egan said...

Oh, DaNae, You are the MOST awesome! I must come out of the closet too! You are soooo stinking funny! I too love Legolas. Sorry, there's not too many movies better than LOTR, extended version.
(I also testify) Sorry about your recent gay discovery, but I say "embrace it" be your Authentic self about it (ya, I remember that post too)

Sarah said...

So I can be secure in my sexuality because I have always thought that Orlando Bloom looked like a little too girly for me. So I can safely label myself not gay! Whew, that is a load off of my mind. As for every other remark made in this post... I agree with all of it from start to finish. I really do think that the Twilight series has screwed up an entire generation of women. Talk about unrealistic expectations!!!!!

Brooke said...

Did you work through this whole thing while in the aisles of Borders? Impressive. I can just picture you standing in the Young Adult Fiction section - a dazed look on your face - pondering the various appeals of todays leading men.

Frankly, I haven't found a guy worth swooning over since Rutger Hauer graced the scenes of Lady Hawke. Yum.

Lara said...

Now just hold on a pretty little minute...
...here I was wishing that you WOULD break up with Orlando just so I could have him all t omyself, and now I find out that this all means I am gay?

Sigh.

And regarding the whole book reading level thing. We have that. And it is impossible to find books for my 8 year old who reads on a much higher level that aren't inappropriate and that she will also enjoy. I feel for you in your task.

Melissa said...

I plead complete innocence in the making of you gay. Haven't read Twilight, haven't seen Twilight, barely know who Edward is, and the picture of him? Dry heave. I refuse to read or see, purely on principle.

That being said, I totally get the cougar crush. Not a thing wrong with it.
I don't want or need an affair with Derek Jeter, I just need him to come mow my lawn, pull some weeds, wash my cars, all the while shirtless. And the fact that Splenda indulges me this one little fantasy, just makes me love him more, thus making me completely non-gay. NOT that there's anything wrong with that.

Hel said...

InkMom and I are on the same page. I am all about Aragorn and Hugh Jackman (think wolverine NOT Oklahoma). I love my men with a bit of body hair (grr baby)... just ask Dal.

So sorry DeNae, you'll have to find someone else to have your lesbian affiar with. Although, all this talk about husband's being disappointed.... really? Is my husband the only one that would find it slightly exciting?

Janet said...

Reading this post was a great cap to my 41st birthday. Yeah, you might be gay, or you could just be wishing you looked like Legolas. Girl crushes always come down to a wistful jealousy.
I'm all about Clive Owen, so I think I'm okay. Though I wouldn't mind looking a bit like Legolas.

aunt dyanne said...

haven't read it - haven't seen it - have no desire too....sick of the flares

I'll stick with my danny devito "bouy with hair" and imagine working side by side with matthew Mc- you know who.

sigh....and since i'm pretty much asked daily if I'm gay... answer is still "not to my knowledge".

hehe

Beka said...

You make me chuckle! I was shocked to learn that I was not Orlando's girlfriend. It makes me a little sad.
Actually, I recently decided that what I really need is to save my pennies and go on a vacation to Ireland. Then I would hire some handsome man to just talk to me all night long. (Gerard Butler)
MMM HMMM!

MommyJ said...

I got so distracted by all the man talk I almost forgot to tell you that I am always frustrated with a lack of reading material for my oldest... he's about to turn eight and has been negotiating for book four of the Harry Potter series for months. I keep insisting one book per birthday... cause dude... those last few books are intense. And he IS only seven.

Oh twilight... loved with everything you said. I think the parties and the trips and the posters... it's all just weird.

I love Hugh Jackman. LOVE him. But I also love Clay Aiken. Which probably one hundred percent wipes out any advantage I gained by loving Hugh Jackman.

Lisa Loo said...

You had me at "gay".

I love that this is your conclusion to the fact that you think Orlando Bloom is hot. Its like that thing where they say everyone is only seperated by 6 people.

Yeah--finding literature for that age group is a toughie--

Motherboard said...

Lisa Loo's comment is funny.

Edward and the whole twilight gaga-gooeyness makes my eye twitch. Sometimes in double time.

Orlando? He's hot. But, I'll take Hugh Jackman anyday. Even if it means I'm gay... 'cause baby? That dude is HOT!

Love your guts (in a non-lesbian way...)

Jessica said...

OK, rhymes with hypocrite: bit, flit, get, grit, hit,kit,knit,mitt, quit, skit,spit,zit, acquit, admit, armpit, close-knit, cockpit, commit, mess kit, moonlit, nitwit, omit, outfit, permit,pinch-hit, tar pit, sunlit, toght fit, tool kit, unfit, advocate, baby-sit, counterfeit, graduate, perfect fit, banana split, conniption fit, deliberate... Now, I want to see the poem...lickety-split!

I really just want you to write more and see all the amazing things that you can come up with.

AS Amber said...

OK, so this Legoland person. Is he block-shaped with pegs on his head and holes underneath? I don't understand how that could be "hot".

Now, Edward on the other hand. So hot. Well, the Edward in my brain is hot. NOT the dufass on the movie. So. Not. Hot.

So did you find anything for your son to read???

Shawn said...

Well---I can't stand that actor that plays Edward in Twilight---didn't like the book---and think that that lead actor is butt ugly!

So, what does that make me? I too, am enamored of Hugh Jackman's physique---but the fact that he dances and sings doesn't make him a girl, sooooo....

Hmmmmm. I'm definitely confused.

Launi said...

Wow---I must be old--because I hardly know what is going on here. What I think I get is that if I like Aragorn and Captain Jack and Wolverine--I'm not gay. But if I like Legolas and possibly Harry Potter, I'm a lesbian. Oh, and if I like Edward Cullen, I'm just stupid. Am I getting this straight? Maybe you guys are making this planet way too complicated. It's much more entertaining to just let yourself enjoy things--even if they are a bit goofy, or the guy is not your type.
Along with all the guys in the paragraph above---I actually think Gerard Butler in "P.S. I love you," is a lovely piece of work...and he has an accent--which shamelessly always works on me.

PetalsYoga said...

Fantastic post that made me realize that:

a. I am not the last 39 year old woman who has not read or watched anything Twilight... and let's keep it that way.

b. I was feeling all superior about a. until I realized that I used to have a crush on one of The Wiggles (the blue one) when my daughter was addicted to their videos many moons ago. I went to the Wiggles concert and barely refrained from throwing my panties at him...hanging head in shame.

c. I'm pretty sure that being a lesbian would be way cooler than a former Wiggles addict.

Thanks for the laughs... great blog!

Debi (Dubs2007) said...

My first "love" was Cary Grant. SOO sexy in "singing in the rain".

LOVE orlando bloom, and the Edward in the movie totally didn't fit my image of edward from the book. But then in my mind i saw a man who looked just like my husband. and i figure I'm ok cuz I'm only in my 20's. right?

I know that gay would definatly be easier. but then who wants easy?

Beka said...

Wait!!

Have you heard? There's going to be a 3 day convention, called TwiCon this summer in Texas or Arizona (can't remember which).
Many of the stars are scheduled to appear and there'll be costumes and book discussions and movie discussions, and... the best part..a BALL!!

When I heard the ad for it on the radio yesterday, my thoughts went immediately to you and how I'd love to go and sit on the front lawn of this place if only to be audience to your sparkly thoughts about it!

DeNae said...

Oh, Beka, it is the end of civilization as we know it. Never will so much middle-aged, um, 'life experience' have been stuffed into so little taffeta.

Bring on the locusts; there's nothing more to see here.

Sher said...

I was going to say...Really? Orlando Bloom? cuz he's kindof a fruitcake.

But, I get it now.

Andrea said...

I found your post from Ink mom and holy cow I almost died laughing.
Love it!
And love the comments. You have some witty commenters.
Thanks for the laugh!
I now love you. Hope that's ok.

cellista said...

I think I may have laughed harder over this post than over the wedding bagpiper post.

Yes, it's hard finding appropriate reading material, and mine's only 8.
I love the only true and living version of LOTR, but for me personally--Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. That's all.

myimaginaryblog said...

DeNae, I'm so glad you came by and thanked me for the afro ninja video because that's the only way I would have realized I totally accidentally gave you the wrong link. This is the right one. Pshew! Glad we could clear that up; now I can sleep at night!

SO said...

Did you ever find a book for your son? Maybe a book for yourself on how to let your hubby know you are now out of the closet?

You know I have never really had a "crush" on a star since jr. high. Something about the unattainable-ness of them all. That doesn't mean I don't find them attractive I just don't crush on them...does that make sense?

I don't get the whole crush on Robert Pattison. The Edward from the book on the other hand?? That I can kind of understand.

That Girl in Brazil said...

I am GINORMOUSLY in love with you.

And you don't even have to wear a tiara, baby.

Brittany Ann said...

Ha ha! Stumbled on your post while traveling through the blogosphere. You are a crack-up my friend. I love it. I will be back. (Does that make me gay, too?)

Debbie said...

Gay, straight, or bisexual - I would be all over Orlando given any chance at all.

Cindy said...

I don't know if we can be friends DeNae...I'm not gay! I just found out by this post! I'm in love with the likes of Liam Neeson and Val Kilmer..hmmmmm Orlando is too squirrely....oh but then after my picture on my blog i guess i'm squirrley too..BUT that aside, I love the OLD guys...hmmm..can we still be friends!!!
LOVE YOU!!!