Thursday, March 5, 2009

You Eat Brownies With That Mouth?

Recently a subject has come up on this blogger's blog that merits thoughtful consideration and mature, reasonable discourse. Unfortunately, Steph hogs all of that good stuff on her blog, leaving the rest of us to squabble over the scraps of pettiness and nonsense.

The good news, of course, is that I have advanced degrees in both pettiness AND nonsense, having grown up in a house with six kids - four of whom were girls - and only two bathrooms. My doctoral dissertation, "Justifiable Wearing of Your Sweater on the Grounds of You Getting Mascara All Over my Toothrush and Then Lying to Mom About It" was nominated for the Nobel Prize in Drivel and later made into an ABC After School Special.

Good thing fame hasn't changed me.

But, as I am wont to do, I digress. The aforementioned hot topic currently has to do with the presence of cuss words on my blog. While it is true that I am a happy, faithful Latter-day Saint woman, it is sadly also true that I do occasionally drop a B-level cuss word in casual conversation. I write exactly the way I speak - anyone who knows me personally and reads my blog will attest to that - and I speak the language I know.

Let me be CRYSTAL clear, here: I have said the "F" word twice, back-to-back, in a very heated moment, approximately 20 years ago. Two of my sisters heard it, and no one else. I hated the sound and the feel and the ugliness of it, and have never said it again. Words starting with "B", "P", and "A" slip past the censors maybe twice a year. To my way of thinking, you use those words when you've run out of imagination. Hit a thesaurus. Study up.

I could write for Disney. Bart Simpson has a fouler mouth than mine. MARGE Simpson has a fouler mouth than mine.

Nevertheless, someone read a gratuitous cuss word on my last post and was disappointed. She was right; there was no need for that word in that sentence, and I traded it for its more acceptable cousin. Problem solved, and I hope that reader comes back, because I think we have a lot of fun together over here and I'd hate for her to miss out on the party.

But it did remind me of a post I did back in November, before most of you had met me. I don't know why I opted to write the cuss words the way I did, but that's nothing new. I rarely know what I'm going to write before I write it. Along with writing the way I speak, I write the way I think. I know, scary, huh?

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.

And those of you of a more sensitive disposition, well, this one's for you.

Music to My Ears

This post will be brief; I feel the Advil PM working its magic already. (Whoa, I can, like, smell colors! Awesommmmme...)

I mention in my bio that I direct a youth symphony and chorus. Great gig.

Anyway, at rehearsal today our one trumpet player (who has spent the last two months blowing his horn on football fields instead of at symphony rehearsals, so he's a little behind on the ol' practicing curve) played one particular passage so diabolical in its badness I swear I saw a mushroom cloud emerge from the end of his trumpet.

Not one to sport much of a poker face, and fearing for the safety of the innocent flute players sitting in front of the brass section, I shot him the unmistakable look that has menaced music students and DMV clients for centuries, the look that says, "You chose the wrong day to miss those notes (or register your car without proof of insurance, depending on which category of look-recipients you fall into) and now-----YOU. WILL. PAY."

Evidently, the look was so powerful it became airborne, and made its way clear over to the cellos. (It may have sprinkled on the violins along the way, but they had long since gone to that happy place where violinists hide when things get unpleasant, and were therefore blissfully unaware of the near-death experience they'd just had.)

Inspired by the intensity of the moment (and this is where the story really begins), the principle cellist began playing the theme from "Jaws". Not particularly original, I'll admit.

But...... in that moment, it was like the clouds parted and James Earl Jones hollered down from some celestial recording studio, "DENAE! WHAT YOUR LIFE REALLY NEEDS IS A KICK-(SMALL DOMESTICATED FARM ANIMAL) SOUND TRACK!"

Of course!! Why the (biblical reference to the place where murderers and people who giggle in the temple go) didn't I think of that sooner?? It would certainly make communicating with my teenagers easier, that's for (large concrete structure designed to block rivers or house beavers only theirs are small and made of wood) sure!

For example, my kids have always believed that when I said "No," I really meant, "Start whining and harping and griping until the very sound of your voice is like a cheese grater on the creamy havarti of my soul."

But with the right soundtrack, conversations could go more like this:

KID: "Mom, can I go to the midnight showing of "Cedric Diggory Plays a Vampire" next Thursday even though doing so will mean I'll get exactly 17 minutes of sleep on a school night?"

ME: "No."

KID: "Cheese grate, cheese grate, cheese grate..."

(SOUNDTRACK: Theme from "Psycho")

KID: "Suddenly I feel like cleaning my room and kissing my brother and going to bed at 8:30."

Is that not the most beautiful thing you could ever imagine hearing?? Listen to it; it practically SINGS! "I'll go to bed at 8:30, dear mother, just as soon as I locate my floor..."

And neutralizing your offspring is just one of the benefits of having a Life-Track!

Neighbor letting his dog (fictional teddy bear, stuffed with fluff) on your lawn? Soundtrack plays, "Mamaaa...just killed a man..."

Get pulled over for doing 60 in a 15 mph school zone while the bus is unloading the handicapped children? Soundtrack plays, "Mercy, mercy me..."

Daughter tosses her new jeans into the washer with your white lingerie? Elton John croons, "I guess that's why they call it the blues..."

Yes, this is definitely a plan with potential, the creating of a musical backdrop to add crescendo and harmony to my every waking moment.

Which, come to think of it, isn't right now, as I've been asleep for the last tweny minutes. That Advil PM is really singing its own hypnotic lullaby...

Get to bed, dumb blogger-head...hmmm, music to my ears.


Travis and Amber said...

I bet him playing that song eased the tension in the room though! It does sound like a great idea-now how to impliment it.

Kristina P. said...

Like you, I tend to use a smattering of mild swear words in my real life and on my blog, and people who know me in real life say that my blog also sounds just like me.

I don't think you should apologize. I don't think that using mild swear words means you are a bad Mormon or a bad representative of the church. In fact, I debated for a long time about being listed on MMB because I'm not exactly the most Molly Mormon, but Motherboard said that I was absolutely welcome and it's not a blogroll for perfect Mormon women.

And in fact, I find it sort or refreshing. I'm always taken aback by people who present themselves as one way on their blog, but are completely a different way in real life.

AS Amber said...

Yes! I agree with Kristina! And being your sister I can bear testimony to the truth that you really do speak just how you write. Your book is another example of this. And while we're on the subject, let me just say that DeNae is one of the people I have to clean up my talk for. She's a fa-ha-ha-ha-ar cry of vulgar or a potty mouth.
OK, now that that's outa the way, I LOVED this post the first time and I LOVED it again today! My favorite was your description of the "d" word. So dang funny! And way to go on the Queen Mother of Dirty Words! I've probably thought that word a dozen times today. But only bc my stupid dog potties on my floor!

PS I think Travis and Amber is our cousin...Travis. Aunt Karen spelld his name wrong! Lol

Becca said...

Okay, besides laughing at the edited post, which was brilliant, I just have to say that I find the occasional "B" swear word downright refreshing, if not hilarious. Maybe it's because of the squeagy clean world that I inhabit. Maybe it's because my FAVORITE PEOPLE add a little color to their vocabularies. But, for what my meager opinion is worth, don't ever change.

Devon said...

Hey! Once you figure that out,I need one for Dakin's nurses. I would like to request the Psycho music, and then also the Halloween theme for when they say stupid stuff to me.

Heck, I have to say I need a swear jar. I have really gotten bad about it...

Hel said...

I am struggling to find ANY words for my blog at the moment, so I may be reverting to a post entirely made of cuss words and toddler drivel. It's all I know at the moment.

I think one of your first posts had a cuss word in it, and I may have silently cheered for you (MAY have).

R Max said...

I am laughing right now because in New Zealand we don't even use the word "cuss"! People know what it means, you'd just get a funny look if you used it. I'd tell you what we say in place of that but it'd probably be cussing...

bkroppin said...

To be perfectly honest, I love (and gravitate toward) people who are actually real. You can tell that you write the way you talk. I can hear it. It's part of your charm and for many of us the reason we follow you! Please keep being real, DeNae. And if reality sweeps over you in a variety of obscenities, I for one want you to write it out because it makes me laugh and brightens my day.

Melanie J said...

"Don't change a thing for me, not if you care for me..."

May I suggest this as a double duty solution for both your colorful language and your life track?

Although, to be honest, my ex MIL told me not to say "Crap" on my blog and now I'm scared to.

R Max said...

Yes indeedy, it was Prostnic Jeltz, in the flesh, complete with microphone to render audiences comatose with appropriate poetic readings.

I just nominated you for an award on my latest post. Don't feel like you have to acknowledge it by perpetuating the whole thing... it does get tedious and turns a fun blogging hobby into "work". That's my opinion anyway.

Lisa Loo said...

You kill me AGAIN!!! Can I be in your symphony?/!!
Swearing is a tricky thing. Mine is most often associated with road rage--but sometimes--nothing says it like the real thing.

Karen said...

Hello! I found your blog through Good Things Come to Those Who Blog and just wanted to stop by. I really love what you've done with the place!

MS Anita said...

You are so funny Denae. In my crazy little world, it is always a break to come into your world for a moment, and realize I am not the only crazy one!!!lol You just have a much better way of saying it all.

Cousin Julie said...

O.K. DeNae, being your cousin we were both exposed to Gr. Christensen's "farm speak". I remember getting my mouth smacked by Mom because I didn't know that "cute little sh#$" wasn't a form of endearment. Oh, and Son of a "B" wasn't a drone. My son added a post script to my January resolutions. I can only say "Shipping and Handling". wow not much oomph there. Do you remember when my Dad (was just made Bishop) and had to quit swearing so instead of He%$ he'd say my Mom's name, Helen. Kind of funny

aunt dyanne said...

Been thinkin' bout this for a few hours (days) as I painted my blankety blank shoe cubbies that I built over 2 blankety blank years ago and the blankety blank paint was givin' me blankety blank fits.

Isn't any word a swear word if spoken in vain?

I didn't read any swear words in your original post or otherwise.... all I remember the commandments telling me is not take THE LORDS NAME in vain.

The rest.... just vocabulary. at least when using terms of "our brother's residence" or the "command to stop something abruptly" or "sweet docile animal that carried mary to bethlehem"....or that "processed food stuff bi-product that comes from the rectal portal of most mammals" (have any of you read the childrens book "everybody poops" great book. proves that "poop happens".)

So, I'm not worried about the post. I personally find great solace in reading this blog. I'm sorry the commentor was offended - or questioned mormonism - NO mormon is perfect. Only some think they are...and they mostly are from BYU.

I would just like to say. I believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ to be true. The people in the Gospel are not. Our main goal in the gospel, as we are taught - is to become more Christlike...when I get mad, and feel like "cussin" I just go after those money know... like Jesus did.

Casey said...

I'm ashamed to show my face over here since I'm the queen of potty mouthedness!

Shawn said...

Just thought you should know---you are NOT the oldest blogger out there---I am!

I found your blog on MMB's.

Delightful. And love the writing like you speak---I do the same thing.

Check out my blog if you get five:

Lara said...

Truly loved this post. I especially enjoyed your parenthetical explanations of the naughty words.

Except, it took me a really long time to figure out where you going with the teddy bear one. Mostly because that word is basically dinner conversation in my house. I had no idea it was so taboo.

Trina said...

I'm one of those people that don't say bad words and grab the Tobasco sauce when the kids do. About a month ago my kids heard me say (the place where the devil lives) for the first time. Two of them started crying another wouldn't talk to me for an hour. You'd think I'd made my bed in the same place as the word I'd said. Maybe if I used cuss words more often they wouldn't assume I'm Hell bound if I say it- like I just Let me add that just because I've rarely sworn, this doesn't put me in any category some of your commenters have suggested. Trust me I have a ton of sins, they just aren't swearing. I'm a closet sinner.

Melinda said...

Darn, I really did try to post on this last night but blogger was being #*@(&! Hahaha I love the farm animal sound one, and well, I liked all of them really! You're hilarious!