Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Kanga Drove the Getaway Car

Oh, sometimes it's just too easy.

True story*, coming out of Canberra, Australia.

It seems that Mr. Beat Ettlin and his wife were awakened recently by an intruder who smashed their bedroom window and began bouncing on their bed. Well, you can imagine what Mr. Ettlin first thought was happening. It's the first thing that comes to anyone's mind when encountering bouncy things in Australia:

Deranged ninjas.

What, you were thinking something a little more marsupial, perhaps? Well, that just shows how much you know about Australia's ninja crisis. Apparently, swarms of nunchuck wielding martial artists have been blasting into the bedrooms of innocent Aussies and viciously test driving the Sertas.

I have no doubt that our own bloggy Australian friend Helen has started keeping throwing stars under her pillow in case the marauders decide to add 'normal people with an ounce of common sense' to their hit list.

Of course, this just means Helen pays too much attention to what I say because it was, in point of fact, a 90 pound kangaroo that bounded into poor Mr. Ettlin's bedroom and played its rather surprising game of "Ten Little Monkeys".

However, that didn't prevent old Beat from telling reporters that his "initial thought was, 'It's a lunatic ninja coming through the window.'"

Seriously, Beat? That was your initial thought? What was your second thought? Cage fighters?

And why would anyone admit such a thing? Surely Mr. Ettlin had at least a couple of hours to go over his story before the media and the Australian Kickboxing Commissioner arrived. Could he not have come up with a more grown-up explanation for events than ninjas? I mean, is the guy ten?

The answer is no, he's not.

The ten-year old in the family, an astute lad by the name of Leighton Beman (I guess because "Please Give Me a Wedgie Right Now Ettlin" didn't fit on the birth certificate) was next to be visited by the dark, mysterious and springy stranger.

And his first words were, "There's a 'ROO in my room!" which by Ettlin family standards was Pulitzer material.

(May I just add, dear Helen, that to American ears, that little line is dang near the funniest thing anyone could possibly say? From now on, whenever I meet someone new, I'm going to introduce myself, shake their hand, and holler "There's a 'ROO in my room!"

Talk about your sure-fire ice breaker!)

Upon realizing that his chances of being beaten sensible by his antagonist's bow staff were slim, Mr. Ettlin claims to have grabbed the kangaroo in a head lock and frog-marched it out the door.

Sure he did.

Too late, Beat, if that's even your name. (Admit it: Your real name is 'Hide'. 'Cry'?)

We know that you're just trying to make yourself sound all macho and Crocodile Dundee-y after your little ninja revelation. What did you do next, disembowel a wallaby and marry Nicole Kidman?

Unfortunately, Beat still missed the coolness semi-finals by announcing that he performed this 'roo-ectomy in nothing but his skivvies.

"I had just my Bonds undies on," he blathered to reporters, "I felt vulnerable."

Well, I should say. Kangaroos have a terrible reputation for being downright sarcastic when they catch a guy in his knickers.

Why, they're almost as mean as ninjas!

*(The bits I didn't make up came from The Associated Press, March 10, 2009)


SO said...

First question. What are Bonds undies? Are those like Underoo's from the James Bond movies? Or is that a Fruit of the Loom type brand?

And B..."There's a 'Roo in my room!" brilliant.

And I did not know that Amber was your little sis. Amber and I met at a school lock down. We live in the same town and have kids in the same grade. We bonded.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Wow. That 'ROO must have been hoppin' mad when he realized he was dragged out by Bond-brief Beat. I bet he gave him a wedgie.

Motherboard said...

I could say "Is that a ROO in your pocket?" But that would just be gross. So I wont.

DeNae said...

I am given to understand that "Bonds" is a popular brand of underwear in Australia. I was disappointed to learn that it is not, in fact, of the 007 ilk and that Pierce Brosnan's image is not on them dancing cheek-to-cheek, as it were.

I hope this further enhances your overall enjoyment of this post.

Lisa Loo said...

Thanx for the "enhancement". It really "adds" to the "roo in my room" imagery. Real life trumps fiction any day. Like when I posted about the ATM bandits here in Montana. They would steal a tractor, run over an ATM, take the cash. leave the tractor and go. The police here couldn't even put it together that the 3 robberies might be related. They still haven't caught them--hey--maybe its because they moved to Australia!

Lisa Loo said...

Oh--oh--oh--and I just wanted to ask--what was the kangaroo wearing??

DeNae said...

Lisa Loo, I am further given to understand that the kangaroo was wearing loose-fitting pajamas and a bandana, which may help to explain why Mr. Ettlin was so confused.

We now return you to the comments page, already in progress.

Hel said...

oh my dear aunt fanny!

1. This man lives too close to where I live - I think I may move countries

2. Upon further investigation, I find this tool is actually not Australian - he's Swedish living next to a 'Roo Park. Stands to reason why he thought it was a Ninja then.

3. This didn't even make the news over here. It seems that the stupidity of Swedes living in our nation's capital is only interesting to Americans - OR there is a major cover up because it really was a ninja roo that the government is creating for the protection of our country.

4. I seriously doubt it was "Bonds" undies - it was probably second hand undies.

Thanks for the laugh, DeNae - or should I thank Beat?

R Max said...

What's so strange? I thought everybody had a pet kangaroo that likes to jump on beds.


You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.

(P.S. Doesn't everyone wear Bonds undies??)

AS Amber said...

That's so freakin' awesome! I wonder what Mrs. Skivvie-Wearing-Roo-Headlocking-Ettlin thought was happening?
That's too funny it didn't even make the news in Australia. We're so easily entertained.

MommyJ said...

What?! THere is a ROO in YOUR room?!! Why, there's a ROO in MY room too!!

You're right. It is really fun.

I shall say it often.

Jessica said...

I grew up with my mom reading the weekly "News of the Weird" to me. It is amazing that people are really so "weird." I personally appreciate it, I enjoy the read better than the real news anyway.

Willow Tree said...

You're hilarious! I came over from Diapers & Divinity to thank you for your Lenten sacrifices. What would we do without Steph in the blogosphere??

Blessings, Carolynn

Willow Tree said...

PS, I tagged you on my blog!

Blessings, Carolynn

Mallory said...

Gosh, what a bummer. The only wildlife that ever gets in my room is the occasional spider or earwig. (And those make me shudder a bit, if I think of them jumping on my bed.)

The Yates Family said...

Where do you find these stories? I think the words you are looking for are "HA HA HA HA HA HA!"