Oh, sometimes it's just too easy.
True story*, coming out of Canberra, Australia.
It seems that Mr. Beat Ettlin and his wife were awakened recently by an intruder who smashed their bedroom window and began bouncing on their bed. Well, you can imagine what Mr. Ettlin first thought was happening. It's the first thing that comes to anyone's mind when encountering bouncy things in Australia:
What, you were thinking something a little more marsupial, perhaps? Well, that just shows how much you know about Australia's ninja crisis. Apparently, swarms of nunchuck wielding martial artists have been blasting into the bedrooms of innocent Aussies and viciously test driving the Sertas.
I have no doubt that our own bloggy Australian friend Helen has started keeping throwing stars under her pillow in case the marauders decide to add 'normal people with an ounce of common sense' to their hit list.
Of course, this just means Helen pays too much attention to what I say because it was, in point of fact, a 90 pound kangaroo that bounded into poor Mr. Ettlin's bedroom and played its rather surprising game of "Ten Little Monkeys".
However, that didn't prevent old Beat from telling reporters that his "initial thought was, 'It's a lunatic ninja coming through the window.'"
Seriously, Beat? That was your initial thought? What was your second thought? Cage fighters?
And why would anyone admit such a thing? Surely Mr. Ettlin had at least a couple of hours to go over his story before the media and the Australian Kickboxing Commissioner arrived. Could he not have come up with a more grown-up explanation for events than ninjas? I mean, is the guy ten?
The answer is no, he's not.
The ten-year old in the family, an astute lad by the name of Leighton Beman (I guess because "Please Give Me a Wedgie Right Now Ettlin" didn't fit on the birth certificate) was next to be visited by the dark, mysterious and springy stranger.
And his first words were, "There's a 'ROO in my room!" which by Ettlin family standards was Pulitzer material.
(May I just add, dear Helen, that to American ears, that little line is dang near the funniest thing anyone could possibly say? From now on, whenever I meet someone new, I'm going to introduce myself, shake their hand, and holler "There's a 'ROO in my room!"
Talk about your sure-fire ice breaker!)
Upon realizing that his chances of being beaten sensible by his antagonist's bow staff were slim, Mr. Ettlin claims to have grabbed the kangaroo in a head lock and frog-marched it out the door.
Sure he did.
Too late, Beat, if that's even your name. (Admit it: Your real name is 'Hide'. 'Cry'?)
We know that you're just trying to make yourself sound all macho and Crocodile Dundee-y after your little ninja revelation. What did you do next, disembowel a wallaby and marry Nicole Kidman?
Unfortunately, Beat still missed the coolness semi-finals by announcing that he performed this 'roo-ectomy in nothing but his skivvies.
"I had just my Bonds undies on," he blathered to reporters, "I felt vulnerable."
Well, I should say. Kangaroos have a terrible reputation for being downright sarcastic when they catch a guy in his knickers.
Why, they're almost as mean as ninjas!
*(The bits I didn't make up came from The Associated Press, March 10, 2009)